Craziest situation ever


Sunday21
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Dear Netters,

I have a serious illness. I am currently working. I belong to a union so I negotiated a limited time reduction in hours. I have research responsibilities that must be kept. I am ill much of the time. My condition is exacerbated by stress. My mother lives in town. She has also been ill. She has a numbe of appointments coming up. I have a sister a nurse who also lives in town.

I have arranged with two friends to take my mother to doctor’s appointments for a modest fee. My brother who is in charge of the finances has agreed to this.

Both of my sisters have declared that my mother can only be taken to doctors appointments by myself. Nothing else is acceptable. They give no reasons for this decision. Furthermore although my mother lives in the most expensive and elaborate residence in the city. My sisters feel that I must take my mother to more activities across town. Furthermore I must attend education workshops.

un the past as I was a member if the church, I did my best to accommodate my family’s requests. I walked dogs, drove children to activities, and helped out generally. In return, my sister who lives in town has treated me with barely disguised contempt. She asked that I walk her dog one summer. I did so. My sister did not like walking her dog. I drove to her house almost daily and did so. A few times my sister was in and did not answer the door. I asked my niece who was in the house at the time and my niece replied that my mother told her not to bother answering the door. ‘It’s just her’

i help pay for my older sisters flights to my town at Xmas. My mother who is wealthy has refused to help. My sister who lives in town and can afford to help refuses to help. I am not sure about my brothers cash flow so I have not asked.

i qpcan barely manage my own life at the moment but my condition is aggravated by stress so I do not wish to get into an arguments.

So ...what to do. I have been sent a list of doctors appointments but I can barely keep up with my own appointments, let alone the therapy hours, work and my illness.

My family is generally cruel and uncaring towards me. My sister once gave my work phone number to a man who was stalking me.

i am not sure what to do. 

 

 

 

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Sister Sunday21, based on your report, your sisters are using you (and so is your mother). The solution? You must learn to say "no". You need not be nasty or even unCanadian to say "no"; you need only be firmly unequivocal. "Sorry, I can't do that." "But WHY NOT? I'm only asking you to blah blah blah!" "Sorry, I can't do that."

Will you get criticism for this? Yes. Will you be called selfish, and other nastier names? Probably. Will that make you cry? I guess that's up to you and your personality. But you can say "no" and mean it without being unkind. So do that. There's my advice.

11 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

I have a serious illness. I am currently working. I belong to a union so I negotiated a limited time reduction in hours. I have research responsibilities that must be kept. I am ill much of the time. My condition is exacerbated by stress.

You may want to consider a change in employment, as well. A bit of further advice, unasked for, that you're free to take or leave.

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38 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

My family is generally cruel and uncaring towards me. My sister once gave my work phone number to a man who was stalking me.

i am not sure what to do.

You tell your family "No."

I recommend some research into healthy personal boundaries, and start implementing them.  What you are describing here is NOT healthy at all.  

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@Vort Thank you. I will have to say ‘No’ . Driving while impaired is unwise to say the least. I am going to change my door to one with a key pad. My sisters are entirlely capable of trashing my home and stealing. These people have no morals. 

I am still hoping  to get better. My union has told me that I can negotiate a longer reduced hour deal. We will see. But the stress of dealing with my family is not helpful. 

On the other hand, I would be so happy for a solid reason not to spend time with these people at Christmas. If they do trash my house, this might be worth it just to have a reason to say goodbye to these people. I could legitimately report the damage to the police and that would be the end of Christmas with these people.  

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55 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

Telling my sister’s ‘No’ is dangerous. I will have to get a locksmith. I would almost be tempted to let them trash my house but for the identity theft risk.

Get a locksmith.  The fact that you NEED to do demonstrates just how bad the situation is.

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36 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

Move to Australia :) Escape the cold and the snow and re-learn what the Sun looks like. And where the church is truer than it is in Ontario. 

Sounds great! Also I hear that the net worth of the average Australian is approx twice the net worth of a Canadian. Intriguing! 

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11 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

@Vort Thank you. I will have to say ‘No’ . Driving while impaired is unwise to say the least. I am going to change my door to one with a key pad. My sisters are entirlely capable of trashing my home and stealing. These people have no morals. 

I am still hoping  to get better. My union has told me that I can negotiate a longer reduced hour deal. We will see. But the stress of dealing with my family is not helpful. 

On the other hand, I would be so happy for a solid reason not to spend time with these people at Christmas. If they do trash my house, this might be worth it just to have a reason to say goodbye to these people. I could legitimately report the damage to the police and that would be the end of Christmas with these people.  

 

11 hours ago, Vort said:

You may want to consider a change in employment, as well. A bit of further advice, unasked for, that you're free to take or leave.

I also suggest going minimalist, pack up a bag and move far far away where Canadian healthcare can still reach you but your family will have to learn to speak french to talk to you.  ;)

(This from a Filipino who have a ginormous clan, some of whom are nutjobs).

Edited by anatess2
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11 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Get a locksmith.  The fact that you NEED to do demonstrates just how bad the situation is.

My thoughts compeltely  

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6 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

Sounds great! Also I hear that the net worth of the average Australian is approx twice the net worth of a Canadian. Intriguing! 

It doesn't matter how much money a Canadian might have, or how little money an Australian might have, the Australian will always be at least double the worth of the Canadian - or anyone else. :)

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Just now, askandanswer said:

It doesn't matter how much money a Canadian might have, or how little money an Australian might have, the Australian will always be at least double the worth of the Canadian - or anyone else. :)

Including another Australian? The math is grim:

VAustralian >= 2VAustralian

2VAustralian <= VAustralian

2VAustralian - VAustralian <= 0

VAustralian <= 0

Ouch.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Sunday, I'm so sorry about your situation.  I second the suggestion to get a locksmith for your physical boundary maintenance, and then for emotional/spiritual boundaries, I strongly suggest you read the book, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  They are Christians, and they explain how being Christian is NOT synonymous with being a doormat.  They teach how to be a Christian and have good emotional and spiritual boundaries.  


https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=boundaries&amp;qid=1552600209&amp;s=gateway&amp;sr=8-3
 

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I'm sorry to hear all of this Sunday21. I hope you can find the steps needed to resolve this situation satisfactorily.

21 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

as I was a member if the church

Are you no longer a member of the church or simply speaking in past tense because you are talking about the past, while you are in fact still a member in the present? I'll still wish you the best either way, I just feel a little sad at the prospect of your membership potentially being considered a thing of the past and would like to clarify.

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1 hour ago, SpiritDragon said:

 

I'm sorry to hear all of this Sunday21. I hope you can find the steps needed to resolve this situation satisfactorily.

Are you no longer a member of the church or simply speaking in past tense because you are talking about the past, while you are in fact still a member in the present? I'll still wish you the best either way, I just feel a little sad at the prospect of your membership potentially being considered a thing of the past and would like to clarify.

I am not sure about my status. Here is my story. For a decade, I was a super dedicated member. Ask the sisters that I ministered to. They are still my friends. I started getting sicker and sicker. I have a genetic autoimmune disorder. For the whole 10 years, I have had false promptings. I made a lot of very bad decisions based on these promptings. So now I have a serious illness and I can’t believe anything that God says to me. My chapel has had a lot of flooding. I and a number of others can’t enter the building. The next nearest church building is too far to drive given my disability.

i think that I am done. I have nothing against church people. Yes some people have behaved badly but in any organization this is to be expected. My stake president is a habitual liar (but hard working and dedicated. He targets converts with no family in the church. He needs counselling.)

I was sexuality assaulted at church twice. Same person. Two months apart.  Reported it. Nothing done. Other sisters not warned.

My friends in the church are wonderful people. They are still my friends.

i find it hard to believe that Jesus Christ is the head of the Church. I think Jesus would have put in a reporting system. My stake Pres did some bad stuff but I cannot report him. 

It became clear to me that Nephi’s promise of there always being a way to live the commandments was not true for me. I tried though. I am very conscientious and I really did my best.

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@Sunday21, sometimes for health (mental and/or physical) we need to take a break from people and/or put up healthy boundaries.  I myself had to stop attending Church for a while due to mental health issues.  There's nothing wrong with this, and we can still keep nursing our love testimony and love of God.  

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21 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I am not sure about my status. Here is my story. For a decade, I was a super dedicated member. Ask the sisters that I ministered to. They are still my friends. I started getting sicker and sicker. I have a genetic autoimmune disorder. For the whole 10 years, I have had false promptings. I made a lot of very bad decisions based on these promptings. So now I have a serious illness and I can’t believe anything that God says to me. My chapel has had a lot of flooding. I and a number of others can’t enter the building. The next nearest church building is too far to drive given my disability.

i think that I am done. I have nothing against church people. Yes some people have behaved badly but in any organization this is to be expected. My stake president is a habitual liar (but hard working and dedicated. He targets converts with no family in the church. He needs counselling.)

I was sexuality assaulted at church twice. Same person. Two months apart.  Reported it. Nothing done. Other sisters not warned.

My friends in the church are wonderful people. They are still my friends.

i find it hard to believe that Jesus Christ is the head of the Church. I think Jesus would have put in a reporting system. My stake Pres did some bad stuff but I cannot report him. 

It became clear to me that Nephi’s promise of there always being a way to live the commandments was not true for me. I tried though. I am very conscientious and I really did my best.

I am not sure of all what happened at the church, but I think you have a testimony.  It sounds to me that you may be experiencing what some call "burn out."  This can happen to the best people, especially if they spend a LOT of time doing something.  I know you did a LOT of things and when you get super involved in things, sometimes one can experience a great degree of burn out.  This can be exacerbated if one is ill or has disabilities. 

I can understand anger at those who abuse you (or others).  They are NOT the church, and the church is not them.  Also, the gospel is not the church and the church is not the gospel per se.  The church is the vehicle or vessel in which the gospel is taken to others and how the ordinances are administered.

It sounds as if terrible things have happened to you.  I would hope that in regards to the church, you would take a step back and relax.  Read the Book of Mormon as time warrants and do not stress over whether you are doing your callings or succeeding in specific tasks.  Focus on yourself and your health and your difficulties.  Continue to read the Book of Mormon and pray for help and aid.

I hope that you can separate the specific Church buildings and leaders from the gospel itself and love the gospel for itself.  The gospel is not the callings or leaders or others such items, but the teachings of salvation.  You don't have to be super involved in the church.  Instead, just work on you.  If you are keeping the commandments and being faithful to your covenants, you should be good with the Lord.  That's all that doing your best really needs.  It's not doing what a leader tells you to do, or letting a local leader get away with things, or anything else to that degree. 

Jesus created the World.  He apparently believes in a great deal of freedom.  With this freedom he allows all sorts of evil to occur without punishing many of those who do evil.  That is because this Earth is not necessarily made for him specifically, but for us.  It is the vehicle where we prove whether we choose good or evil. 

In many ways the Church is similar.  It is a thing made for and led by men.  Jesus Christ is at it's head, but he is not there as you would view other leaders at the head of their organizations.  It would be more similar to George Washington is the Father of our Country (USA, not Canada) or the Constitution (USA) leads our government.  There are other leaders that may not follow that example or do not agree with what the Constitution states or has a different interpretation.  It doesn't dictate every thing and many times they (constitution or the example of George Washington) are there covering the more broad categories than the more intricate items.  Even as we say the Constitution is the basis of our government we have other leaders that many would say lead the USA (such as a President, a Speaker over the House, a Supreme Court Justice, the Leader of the Senate, and many others).  Not all of them will necessarily do what is right or follow what the US Constitution says.

The same could be applied to ANY organization which is led by men.  Thus, even as we hope that leaders feel the spirit and are led by it in the Church, this does not always happen.  There may even be bad leaders and those who are quite evil at times.  We may be on the receiving end of these people and they may do terrible things to us.  At those times, even if they are leaders in the church, I would hope that one would recognize they do not necessarily represent the gospel and can separate that they and the gospel of Jesus Christ are different things.  We should have faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I am sorry for the difficulties you have had with your local unit and the leaders there.  I hope that you can separate them from your testimony of the gospel and even if you disengage from them, engage in the gospel itself with the Scriptures and prayer.

In your personal life it sounds difficult and once again I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing.  If you have to change the locks to keep them from trashing your house or experiencing Identity theft, it sounds as if you are in a very bad situation. 

I would probably change my locks as quickly as possible and have a deadbolt (or two or three along with a latch from the inside they cannot open from the outside when you are in the house) or two as well that they do not have keys to.  If they try to still enter, I may get a restraining order (if that exists in Canada) or otherwise to prevent such assault.

Family can be difficult to deal with at times, especially when they are as seemingly aggressive as you paint your family.  I wouldn't say that you need to get them out of your life (though you say some rather scary things in relation to them that is very concerning and might warrant police protection) but I'd say there definitely needs to be boundaries set between you and them that all can agree upon.  The first thing you need to do is to worry about you, your health, and your own well being.  It is hard to care for others when you are not taken care of yourself already.

 

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