Answering my Young Women's Questions in the best way possible.


WandererO
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My favorite part of Young Women's is open discussion. I love it when the girls feel comfortable enough to ask questions. Recently I have made a jar in YW for the Laurels to anonymously place their questions in. I was blown away by the numerous insightful questions I received. I think that it was worth it to have that invitation for them to freely ask. I already have a lot of answers to many of the questions so far, but felt that having more people answer them with maybe more experience and different points of views would be good.

Here are the questions asked by the Laurels:

 

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Did we all know each other before the veil?

Why does it matter what I wear?

How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

 

I wasn't sure if I should ask the questions all together or individually on the forum but decided that together was better because then I could give the context for all of the questions. Sorry for all the questions at once. Maybe in order to have this make sense re-state the question or number to the question so then people can follow which one/ones is/are being answered.

Thanks so much for the additional insights!

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I'll start with one...more later if I have time. 

Why does it matter what I wear? 

Like it or not, people make judgments about you based on what you wear. For example, a nun or a missionary are readily recognizable because of what they wear.  Or imagine you need a lawyer, you go to an attorney's office and he receptionist has a punk look, when he comes in he looks like he slept in his clothes...would you feel comfortable hiring him?  

But you are probably referring to modesty. Again your clothes can send messages you did not intend. Take the movie Grease for example...think about Sandy at the beginning of the movie and Sandy at the end.  Which version comes closer to having the image of God in her countenance?  (Alma 5)  If Christ were to return today, which outfit would you prefer to be wearing?  

What do your clothes say about you? Is that message consistent with your values? 

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10 hours ago, WandererO said:

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

I've been reading a book titled Untangled. (Damour, https://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/dp/0553393073). It is a self-help book of sorts for parents of teenage girls.  Dr. Damour talks about how the adolescent mind goes through a massive restructuring between the ages of about 12-16 (give or take a couple years). There is some evidence that habits and patterns established during this restructuring become ingrained in the personality, and can be extremely difficult to counteract.

Exposure to drugs and alcohol during that time can result in life-long dependency issues, because the teenage brain more-or-less "decides" that the external chemical is a normal part of its function. One time may not be enough to create that addiction for many, but there's no way to know if any one person is prone to go from one time to dependency. This is a place to trust the stuffy-old-boring-adults.  One time isn't worth the risk.

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12 hours ago, WandererO said:

My favorite part of Young Women's is open discussion. I love it when the girls feel comfortable enough to ask questions. Recently I have made a jar in YW for the Laurels to anonymously place their questions in. I was blown away by the numerous insightful questions I received. I think that it was worth it to have that invitation for them to freely ask. I already have a lot of answers to many of the questions so far, but felt that having more people answer them with maybe more experience and different points of views would be good.

Here are the questions asked by the Laurels:

 

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Did we all know each other before the veil?

Why does it matter what I wear?

How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

 

I wasn't sure if I should ask the questions all together or individually on the forum but decided that together was better because then I could give the context for all of the questions. Sorry for all the questions at once. Maybe in order to have this make sense re-state the question or number to the question so then people can follow which one/ones is/are being answered.

Thanks so much for the additional insights!

I don't have daughters, I'm a Boys Mama.  I've never been called to any service related to Young Women.  But if these questions were asked to me, this is how I'll answer:

1.)  What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

There are 2 commandments - 1. Love God, 2. Love others as ourselves.  All our decisions can be measured on those 2 commandments for our entire lifetime.  How does it bring me and others closer to God?  It doesn't matter if it's one inch closer, or one millimeter closer, or even not closer just yet.  But one should strive not to step one inch backwards because the slide farther from God is a lot easier and faster.  So, when one is feeling weak, just stand still and gather strength - no matter how long it takes - before taking one millimeter step forward.

2.)  Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Yes.  A woman's life calling is being a Mother.  And remember, one does not have to have their own children - biological or adopted - to answer the calling of Motherhood.  Motherhood is a virtue that one develops within one's self that manifests itself in service to the rising generation.  How much money one makes has zero relevance to the calling of Motherhood in the same token that how much money one makes has zero relevance to the calling of Fatherhood.  Money is simply a tool to either fulfill or detract from one's calling.  Just like a bird does not need money to survive, a mother does not need money to care for a child.  Money simply makes things a whole lot easier.  But if the pursuit of money detracts from Motherhood, then that money did not make things easier to care for the mother nor the child, that money made you fail in your calling as a Mother and left a child either without one, or with less of one.  A Father cannot replace a Mother.

3.)  Did we all know each other before the veil?

Speculative.  Maybe we did, maybe we didn't.

4.)  Why does it matter what I wear?

What you wear sends a message - whether intended or not.  The easiest demonstration of this is going to a Football game between the old rivals Steelers and Ravens.  You may not know anything about football and just happened to get invited to the game by your die-hard Steelers fan friend, so you simply grabbed the first thing out of your closet to wear to the game - which just happnes to be a Purple shirt.  You meet your friend at the stands on the Steeler's home side and get boo'd by everybody around you because... Purple is the Ravens color.  As you can see, what you wear matters.  We are reminded every Sacrament Meeting that we may be willing to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ - what we wear can give the opposite message of that.  There are many things we wear that may give cultural messages that are opposite of Christ's teachings.  For example, wearing a hijab would indicate you are a follower of Islam and non-Christian.  Wearing jewelry with Satanic symbolism could send a message that you are follower of Satan.  Sporting the latest teen-age rebellion look (back in the 80's it was punk rock) would give the message that you are a teen-aged rebel - whatever that means at the time in your culture - which may, or may not, align with the message of Christ.  There are many ways to express one's self in one's attire that doesn't detract from one's taking on of Christ's name - for example, my son's favorite color is green.  It is a very very rare occasion that you will catch him awake wearing an attire that doesn't have any green on it - even if it's just his shoelaces.  And now's a good time to quote lyrics from some song - "If you choose not to decide, you still made a choice."

5.)  How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Language is thoughts put into words.  You want to break the habit of using bad language, have better control of your thoughts.  Thoughts is influenced by culture.  This is evident in my experience as a multi-lingual.  When I'm speaking to a Bisaya, my thought patterns adjust to the Bisaya culture as I speak Bisaya such that when an American catches my attention I have to blank out my brain to switch it to American culture so I can speak English in American fashion instead of speak English translations of Bisaya words which results in heavily accented broken English.  So, you will notice, that you tend to use bad language when you are with that culture of people who speak in that manner.  To break that habit, you either have to take steps to change that culture within that group, or control your thoughts so you don't adopt the culture of that group, or avoid that group altogether.

6.)  Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

Temples are not more luxurious than they need to be.  And yes, they are expensive but not more expensive than they need to be.  This is the House of the Lord.  Just like the question about what to wear, the House of the Lord reflects the work of the Lord and contains specific instructions from God on how the Temple should be built to perform the work within.  The House of Lord is doing the great work of salvation, especially for those who have died and cannot do the work for themselves.  The Church spends a lot of money in service for the living.  They also spend a lot of money in service for the dead.  Both work are important in the mission entrusted by God to Man - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

7.)  What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

See my answer to the first question - one millimeter forward or stand still.  One millimeter backward makes it easier to slide all the way farther from Christ.  We stay away from drugs and alcohol because we made a covenant to do so.   In any case, you don't need to try anything to see what they are like.  A modified quote from one of my favorite movies, "I’ve never had rectal bleeding before, but I’m pretty sure it's bad."

 

Edited by anatess2
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12 hours ago, WandererO said:

My favorite part of Young Women's is open discussion. I love it when the girls feel comfortable enough to ask questions. Recently I have made a jar in YW for the Laurels to anonymously place their questions in. I was blown away by the numerous insightful questions I received. I think that it was worth it to have that invitation for them to freely ask. I already have a lot of answers to many of the questions so far, but felt that having more people answer them with maybe more experience and different points of views would be good.

Here are the questions asked by the Laurels:

 

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Did we all know each other before the veil?

Why does it matter what I wear?

How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

 

I wasn't sure if I should ask the questions all together or individually on the forum but decided that together was better because then I could give the context for all of the questions. Sorry for all the questions at once. Maybe in order to have this make sense re-state the question or number to the question so then people can follow which one/ones is/are being answered.

Thanks so much for the additional insights!

Clothing - 

Regardless of how "fair" it is or isn't, the truth of the matter is that people *will* judge one another on the basis of what they wear. 

For example, when I went to a job fair back in college, a recruiter offered me a position, pending graduation, for the simple fact that I was the only applicant that day who came in wearing a suit. This would be an office job with an insurance company, and as ill-fitting as my suit was it was still a suit and still the most presentable thing anyone wore that day. (The recession hit right as I was going to graduate, and so the company cancelled plans to expand into my area. Oy.)

That's right. At the various job fairs I was attending, one could readily find people who were wearing anything *but* professional clothing. This included one person who showed up wearing a track suit and a young woman who showed up wearing hip-huggers and no belt; long story short, when she squatted down to fill out some paperwork, she ended up accidentally mooning an entire row of recruiters.

Believe it or not.

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12 hours ago, WandererO said:

Here are the questions asked by the Laurels:

All these questions, as I assume you already know, will have greater impact if they themselves know or have some witness that they are a daughter of God. That is the most important question we need to discover for ourselves. If we don't know we are sons or daughters of God then these questions and answers are simply questions and answers. Also, I think it important to ask them first what the Lord has answered when they have prayed to find out.

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

When we are feeling week the verse of scripture I love to point people to is Ether 12:27.  I also like to teach about grace (Bible Dictionary first) and then 2 Nephi 25:23. Elder Bednar's talk regarding the "enabling power" of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is also an excellent read. Our emphasis on how the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers sins doesn't always compute to our younger selves that the Atonement of Jesus Christ was to enable us to overcome, especially in times when we are weak.

Here are other scriptures: Romans 5:1-5, 2 Corinthians 12:9, 2 Corinthians 13:4, Jacob 4:7

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Yes. The primary responsibility of caregiver is that of Eve's daughters. Sadly, our world (even young men who should know better) downplay the most important role -- that of mother.

As to making more money than your husband, well, that depends on who you choose to marry -- choose wisely. ;)

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

Did we all know each other before the veil?

The same social construct that exists now exists pre-mortally and will exist once again after the resurrection. There are people who we knew and who knew us in the pre-mortal realm. There are people who probably did not know us, or who were aware of us. Remember, there are billions of sons and daughter of God.

I received a blessing from a man who was close to the spirit and an individual I would say who knew God's voice through his spirit. After he gave me a blessing, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I knew you in the pre-existence." I responded with, "Ya, we probably did." Then he followed up with, "No, no, I knew you, otherwise I would not have had the spirit of prophecy and revelation regarding your life if I had not known you."

The construct is probably similar to our wards and stakes. There are people we were more acquainted with and there are people we may have heard of. There are people we all knew of. I am pretty positive I knew my wife in the pre-mortal life. I am positive I knew other of my friends in the pre-mortal life. Why the Spirit would witness such, if we all knew each other, seems counter-productive.

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

Why does it matter what I wear?

It doesn't unless you know you are a daughter/son of God. I think @anatess2 and @LiterateParakeet succinctly said what I would say.

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

How can I break the habit of using bad language?

What I find intriguing in the Church, is how often our leaders have specified the use of our language and how many people in the Church disregard this counsel. My experience with language I share the truth with the young men I am in contact with when asked this question.

In my youth, up until I was 15, I would say I had a potty mouth. My freshman year in high school as I was walking out of the library the Lord's spirit spoke to me and asked me if the language I was using was in line with that of a member of the Church. I knew it wasn't. That day I committed to watch my "words" so much so in high school (California) my friends with playfully banter and poke fun at me because the worst thing I would say was "crap."

The Lord is pleased when we use language that is congruent with who we are as sons and daughters of God.

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

Scriptural history appears to show us that the temples are important. I assume they are luxurious and expensive as to our temporal world. Anything worth building nicely is going to be expensive. The Church builds things to last.

12 hours ago, WandererO said:

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

It only takes once for people to become addicted or die. It only takes once for a young person to become addicted and then begin stealing their parents money, siblings money, because of their addiction.

Alcohol. What would it profit to try it once? That question is what I would be more interested in to know their hearts.

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On 3/17/2019 at 11:22 PM, WandererO said:

Here are the questions asked by the Laurels:

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

Fasting, prayer and resolve to remain disciplined.  Nothing of value has ever been accomplished without discipline.

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Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Your first role as a mother and caregiver is to love your husband and in every way complete his life as a husband and father.  Likewise his first role is to love you and complete your life as a wife and mother.

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Did we all know each other before the veil?

Yes - for much longer and much better than we think we know each other now.

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Why does it matter what I wear?

It is an outward manifestation of your intelligence and spiritual awareness.

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How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Spend more time with those that are offended by it.

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Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

Because it is a matter of love and sacrifice - not just towards G-d but toward those that covenant and attend the temple.

Quote

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

It is the kind of harm that trying out murder would be to see how fun it might be.  Except it is harm you do mostly to yourself.

 

The Traveler

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Not that I disagree with anything that has been said, but there is a natural tendency for adults to automatically answer questions of children rather than modeling how they can  think for themselves---a skill-set that becomes increasingly more vital the older the child gets, though increasingly absent in today's world.

Granted, some questions and circumstances lend themselves better to teaching how to think rather than what to think, though we don't always avail ourselves of the opportunities to teach the how when age appropriate..

For example, in response to the first question (What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?) One may socratically ask questions like: What ideas have ideas they have already come up with and tried? What has worked and what hasn't, and why? Do some strategies work better than others? Are you strong in some areas of your life? Where does your strength come from in those areas? What makes us weak? Do you involve others in your strengthening strategies--Particularly the Lord?  What happens if you give in to the weakness? Etc.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

 

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1 hour ago, wenglund said:

Not that I disagree with anything that has been said, but there is a natural tendency for adults to automatically answer questions of children rather than modeling how they can  think for themselves---a skill-set that becomes increasingly more vital the older the child gets, though increasingly absent in today's world.

Granted, some questions and circumstances lend themselves better to teaching how to think rather than what to think, though we don't always avail ourselves of the opportunities to teach the how when age appropriate..

For example, in response to the first question (What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?) One may socratically ask questions like: What ideas have ideas they have already come up with and tried? What has worked and what hasn't, and why? Do some strategies work better than others? Are you strong in some areas of your life? Where does your strength come from in those areas? What makes us weak? Do you involve others in your strengthening strategies--Particularly the Lord?  What happens if you give in to the weakness? Etc.

Thanks, -Wade Englund-

 

Excellent post, Wade!

 

So, my kids... when they were littler they would ask me questions and I would tell them, "this is what I think... what do you think?" - so basically, I set a boundary then they look into how that worked for them.  Sometimes they would say, "But my teacher said..." and I would say, "Well, that's not what I think.".  So they'll set their teacher's answer outside of the boundary I set.  As they got older, they would ask me something and I would say something to the effect of, "you know what I'm gonna say... so, what do you think?"

Anyway, now that my kid is a few months from missionary age, I've noticed him advising his peers in the exact manner I would have advised.  So I asked him about it because I was worried I made the grand mistake of creating a mini-me instead of a unique son of God with his own testimonies.  And he told me... I didn't realize I sounded like you.  I thought I sounded like me.

So, anyway... I was reminded by some meme saying - the greatest challenge of parenting is how to discipline the you out of your child.  Hah hah.  But yeah, it's truly giving me some angst.  The problem with being a parent is - there really is zero way to know if you succeeded as a parent until your child is an adult and it's too late to change your parenting style.

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On 3/19/2019 at 10:24 AM, Traveler said:

It is the kind of harm that trying out murder would be to see how fun it might be.  Except it is harm you do mostly to yourself.

One might ask, can't I try to eat feces just once to see what it's like?  To me, the thought of drug use is equally repugnant.  So much so that I find it hard to take over the counter or prescription meds -- even when I am really sick and in need of something.  I hate the fact that such things are entering my body.

But I understand that there may be some young women who have not been raised or born with such an aversion.  And I don't know how to tell them to avoid it.  I just can't relate.

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On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

What are good ways to help me feel strong when I really feel weak/tempted?

These have worked for me, approximately in order of effectiveness:

  • Scriptures and hymns (memorizing scriptures and hymns can be a lifesaver)
  • Stalwart, faithful relatives and friends
  • Prayer
On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

Is my first role and responsibility being a mother and caregiver? What if I make more money than my husband?

Yes. Being a mother and caregiver is a woman's divine calling. (This is true, even if she cannot bear children for whatever reason.)

What if you make more money than your husband? Bully for you. Great stuff. Remember what's important and act accordingly. Do whatever you need to do to fulfill your responsibilities. If that means working, then work. If it means staying home, stay home.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

Did we all know each other before the veil?

Probably. I know of no direct revelation on this topic. But if God can intimately know a trillion souls, and we are children of God, I suspect we might have known and had many close relationships premortally.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

Why does it matter what I wear?

Because how you clothe yourself is a way of communicating with others. A detailed, careful conversation on what "modesty" means and how we should apply it in our lives would probably be appropriate.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

How can I break the habit of using bad language?

Better to avoid them in the first place.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

Why are temples so luxurious and expensive? Why all the time, effort and funding? Wouldn't it be easier and more efficient to spend less on temples?

The question itself is not really true, at least not in the sense most think of. Temples are not "so luxurious and expensive". They are nicely appointed, and high-quality wall-to-wall carpeting of an entire large building is going to cost. The temple includes nice fixtures, pretty chandeliers, and so forth. But we don't have mahogany paneling inlaid with chalcedony and intricate gold work. And since everyone who uses the temple wears clean slippers or special shoes, those carpets last a very long time.

The temple is a representation of God's dwelling, and is literally a house of God. It is designed and appointed to fulfill that representation. The idea of "easier and more efficient" misses the point.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:22 PM, WandererO said:

What's the harm in trying drugs and alcohol just once to see what they are like?

I've been meditating on a related subject, and have considered writing an essay about how we set our own expectations based on our early experiences. Sort of a "Why is 'comfort food' comforting?" thread. Maybe I'll do that.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Thank you all so much all of your comments have been so helpful. And thank you for reminding me to follow up discussion with an invite for the girls to pray and seek their own witnesses and understanding for their questions. These have really helped the girls develop and discuss openly with each other. Thank you! ❤️ 

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