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without_you

I'm feeling hopeless, romance, love, it doesn't exist for me...

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I'm sorry if I have wrong grammars and marks on my post...I am really trying to go to sleep tonight as fast as I can....It's already 1:28 A.M.

I know this is a forum for spiritual discussions and such...but I really want to type this because I have no other place to go to for advice. It's been a long journey to finding the love of my life. I'm 26, Male, college graduate (BYU)...I never ever had a real girlfriend...like a real relationship that's focused on love, understanding and all the good things that the LDS church talks about....eternal companion. When I was in high school, I was pretty much the most introverted kid. I didn't have much friends...I was the only boy in the family...I have 3 younger sisters...It was really hard. I really wished I had a brother. Growing up...we never really got along as teenagers in the family. My sisters are not that far apart in age. I was the most wayward/awkward kid. My family is all LDS, we were raised in an LDS upbringing. However, I had my rebellious days...because my father and mother were too strict that it really drove me crazy into revolt. It was almost obsessive of them to always demand things on us...like A+ grades, they expected too much of me, and never really gave me Affection for my achievements. I never heard "son, I'm really proud of you". I know it's really BETA for someone to want some affection....but we all need affection from our parents and others...we all need love...I never got that from them....they were basically "providers". They put food on the table, clothing, shelter, bought me a guitar, etc...etc... whatever I needed, wanted...I got it. The only thing missing was..affection...like my mom and dad would come home from work...and basically bail out on me and go to sleep after work or they'd go on a date...etc...like something was really missing....MAYBE a hug...:( I know it's really stupid to say that but that's really how I felt. I got bullied in school...so many times.  I'd come home angry and wanting revenge from these bullies...I couldn't do anything. I really felt abandoned EMOTIONALLY when I was a kid. I was molested (at 11 yrs old) by my own cousin...I didn't know what it was till I realized and learned about sexual abuse in elementary school....I never reported it. I didn't know what to feel about it....until one day....I realized that it was really wrong what He had done to me!..............

 My parents had a busy busy busy life of WORK...and never really got the time to give affection towards me.....I've read about this in Psychology...and it is true in my case...it causes a lot of self-esteem in most normal kids today...I stayed home (didn't have much friends), played my guitar, drew, played computer/videogames.... most of my days spent were inside....my parents barely allowed me to go outside. :( I attended swimming school and competed for the sake of it just to get away from the house...and I guess I seeked/sought approval by winning swimming matches...that was the only way I felt loved....winning.

Now, when I was in BYU (college), I had the chance to be around people, classmates, away from parents...etc...this was really different in high school...because we had  school dances every Tuesday and Thursday and sometimes Saturday...in which I religiously almost attended...I built my dancing skills through these classes and events. While dancing, I also had many chances in talking to women....There were so many awkward conversations...but I built my social skills through that...but when I'm not dancing....It's still hard for me to talk to people. I really tried my best to be "out there". Sometimes, after classes, I would wander around the cafeteria just to strike up a conversation. I didn't hold a job while in college because I took my parent's advice to just focus on school instead of having a job. I should've because I know that would have increased my social skills (if I worked as a cashier or anything that involved social interaction). I deeply regret not having a job while in college. It took me shorter to get my Bachelor's degree, only 3 years instead of 4 because I took more classes since not having a job has perks. 

So, this habit of mine, dancing, talking to women in events, striking up a random conversation, built up my social skills to the point that I thought I was really good at talking. I worked out and kept a routine, I worked hard on my grades!  I practiced approaching women that I thought were attractive while in college. Most of the time, I would get rejected :( I know I can carry a conversation gracefully....Most of the time, they would have a boyfriend, married, refused me, and even GHOST me...that means they'd give me their numbers and never text me or call me back :( This really affected me because I would feel so hopeful to come home with a number from a girl..only to find out that she wouldn't even text me back!!!

Now, I know I sound desperate but my approach count was about 212 women...in the campus...and I only got about 7 dates...and none of them turned to a relationship. I never had a girlfriend :( All I really want is this...Love, someone to love....Why is that so much to ask? I asked Heavenly Father for it and never really got anything...  :( I would see couples, boyfriend and girlfriends in the hallway and I'd feel soooo bad about myself...wishing I had someone. Even on facebook, my BYU friends...news and updates would keep spreading from posts...that someone got married, have a boyfriend and girlfriend..and it makes me feel un-worthy, not good enough. I have a forearm tattoo...because I was being stupid and rebellious against my parents...I also got it because I had self harm scars from depression.

Now that I have graduated from BYU, looking back at these memories..., It makes me really sad. I never really got I what I wanted and needed! Is it so hard to find a girlfriend? PEOPLE always say the right time will come...but I don't believe it anymore!

I am really asking Him for this...

It's affecting my self-esteem...

Am I too ugly? Did God make me ugly? Did God give me a curse?

Am I not attractive?

Am I too short (I'm only 5"5, 5"6 with shoes on)

I have abs, big muscles, big arms, ripped legs, good skin, etc etc...(humble brag)

I have so much going on for me:(

I really don't know why...

Am I not good enough?

but I just wanna feel loved, because my parents couldn't give it to me (emotionally)

I try to stay close to Heavenly Father

I kept asking Him for the same things over and over again...I'm pretty sure he's annoyed.

I self-loath when I wake up every morning...hating myself...

Wishing I had somebody else's face (a more handsome one?)

Am I unlovable?

Sometimes I think of not being born with this face, because I have such low self-esteem...

I really don't know what to do...

I keep thinking about plastic surgery..

maybe that will help:(

Could someone help me through this? I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending spiral! I don't know where else to go to...I've seen many counselors....I don't know anymore...

Edited by without_you

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@without_you,

First of all I need to let you know that I'm not the best person to be giving people personal advice about... well... anything.  But I will share with you an observation.

You've described yourself in great detail.  I have seen NOTHING here to make me believe that you are not a good catch.  Many men could just as easily be described as you've described yourself.  And they are very happy and prosperous men.

The only thing you lack is confidence.  And that is the thing you should focus on.  Work on that.  Unfortunately, I'm not one to give good advice on that.

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Bro, your post breaks my heart. I'm praying for you, big time. 
 

Remember that a lot of women are attracted to confident men. If you aren't confident, fake it. Also remember that you are very young and there is a lot of time left for you. The last thing you want to do is rush into a bad relationship and suffer the outcome of that. 

Stay strong my friend. I know it's hard. 

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Are you in a YSA Ward? Do you go to church sponsored activities?  Are you Temple worthy? If you don't already have a recommend, then go get one just to go do baptisms & confirmations with. Read your scriptures, read the Come Follow Me for Individuals & Families AND the Sunday School one. Ponder the lessons and the accompanying scriptures. Then when you are in class, don't hesitate to participate.

As a teen, I never felt pretty or even good looking. I was the 4th of 7 children, the 3rd girl out of 5. None of my older siblings dated. We were too busy helping Mom & Grandma with the housework, cooking, and tending to the younger (still in diapers) siblings. We were, however, encouraged to Go Outside And Play - just take the little ones with you and keep them out of trouble/danger. 

My oldest brother was 16 when he was introduced to the LDS Church. I was 8. What brother did, I demanded to do. Thus I went to church, to all of the activities and I went to all the dances. Absolutely loved the practice at church on Wednesday nights. My parents were not members. But the way they lived their lives, the moral compass they taught all of their children was exactly the same as the LDS doctrine. We danced at home. Moved all the furniture to the sides of the room, and waltzed, polka and then as a Junior in High School I taught them how to swing. The rock-n-roll dances were not allowed - but I (we) did them outside in the street. I also went to the "Gold and Green' Balls at church from the time I was 14 until I moved away at age18.

At school, the guys that I most preferred were the Not Knock You Over Handsome. I was a senior when I went on my first date. The guy was a classmate, of the Muslim faith. His father was my hairstylist and his Mom taught me how to prepare meals with no bowls and very few utensils. We went to dinner then the movies. Saw The Godfather. We read the book before. My parents were not pleased that I saw the movie, but then Mom read the book and decided I was old enough to see the movie.

At church, I danced with all the guys. I really enjoyed myself, and I had some really good, adult conversations with most of them. The Pretty Boys not so much. Their heads were so far up their arses they couldn't carry even the simplest conversation. Add to that I lived in the poor part of town, and I wasn't even Middle Class. I was Lower Middle Class. ALL of my clothes were re-sewn hand me downs. Clothes Mom got from the neighbors and her new Sis-In-Law (upper crust clothes of the finest materials). The neighbor lady was close to 400 pounds so her skirts and dresses could be re-made into a skirt and bolero for me and sometimes a skirt and trousers for the two little ones. Mom was an excellent seamstress, so unless I exposed the inside back of the tops or the inside seam where labels would be, there is no way anyone would know my clothes were actually homemade. 

My sewing home economics teacher in high school was flabbergasted at the skill my Mom had. 

So, no matter what you look like, it is How you act, how you treat others.

Stop being so needy. If you are in your mid to late 60's and still single, then you have cause to be needy, but even then don't It is such a turn-off. Actually, it is disgusting.

Live your life like you want your wife to live. Be the person you want your wife to be.

My second husband (we married 15 years ago! I was 52 and he was 62) tells me often how pretty I am, he bolsters me up and encourages me to be me. When he saw pictures of me as a teen - in my ball gowns, graduation outfit, even some of the Halloween costumes I made for church events - he told me that had he known me as a 20 something, he would have beaten down doors to court me and eventually take me to the Temple. Hubby #2 is not Knock You Down Gorgeous/Handsome.  BUT his good moral compass, standards, gentlemanly good manners, and being a righteous priesthood holder MAKES him Knock You Down Handsome. Every time I see him looking at me, my heart skips a beat and I find myself catching my breath. LordyMoses I love him so. He is a keeper. He better be as we are sealed for time and all eternity!

Be a good, righteous priesthood holder. Live a temple worthy life. Stop being so needy and self-deprecating. Look for a woman with these same attributes: Good, righteous LDS woman. Lives a temple worthy life. One who is humble yet confident in her own skin. One who knows she is a righteous daughter of God!

Remember, remember You are a child of God!

 

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It sound to me as if you are too needy.  You are too desperate.  Unfortunately this is a turn off for many people.

Of course, if you could find someone who is just as needy as you are, it might work out. 

In this you probably would need to look at those who may not be the most attractive girl out there, or she may not be the girl that is the cutest one you know.  Instead, you'd probably have to start looking at if the girl has a great attitude, or is a nice person before you consider their looks or attractiveness.  You start to look at the girl for who she is first, rather then the exterior appearance.

My thought is that you should stop worrying about it as strongly as you are.  Instead, focus on being a complete and whole person first.  To me, it sounds as if you suffer from depression or depressive moods.  Because you suffer from this it could be that you feel that finding someone will solve this (and this may be unconscious or in your subconscious even rather than a conscious thought).  You are in love with the idea of being in love.  You feel that if you just could have this issue you can have so much resolved in your life and things would become so much greater.

In truth, it solves nothing.  If you are NOT already happy with yourself, you will NOT be happy with someone else.  You will have a brief period of Euphoria and then you will be just as unhappy as before, except now you will be making someone else unhappy as well.  Instead, focus on being happy with your life and what you have currently.  This does not mean you should stop going to Young Single Adult dances or activities.  You should continue to do so and continue to ask girls out on dates.  You should not obsess about it.

Resolve to do something great with your life or pick up an awesome hobby.  Find something that can make you content with your life.

I am probably an introvert to a degree.  I LOVE books. I LOVE history.  I focused on that.  I was blessed to find the most beautiful girl and get married to her.  Not all are that blessed.  Even when I am not around her I still have things that I enjoy.  I still love history and I love working in history.  When I travel for research, I LOVE doing that.  That does not mean I love her any less, or that I do not miss her, but that I am happy with what I am doing and my life.  If she were gone tomorrow (I expect I will die first, so only hypothetical) I do not think I would have difficulties as I would still have my library of books to read and a LOT of history to still explore.

You need to be a complete person and be satisfied with  yourself.  You still need to strive for marriage, but don't make it such an obsession that it makes you depressed or unhappy.  Do the things necessary to try to find a spouse, but also focus on the good things in life.  Be happy with yourself so that you can make someone else happy, rather than expecting someone else to be the one to make you happy.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down, unfortunately, the only one that can bring you up at this point is probably you.

Edited by JohnsonJones

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@without_you - First, welcome! I'm sorry you're struggling. I haven't read all the responses but what comes to my mind is 'what you feed, grows' so I suggest focusing on your strengths and what you do have/did get. Focus on the positives and choose to be optimistic and trust that things happen when they're supposed to (even if we don't see/understand it). Wishing you all the best! 

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@without_you

Am I wrong in assuming you skipped serving a mission?

I strongly believe that if you just drop all this girl and love stuff and serve a mission, a lot of people our issues would drop away when you come home.

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Another thing 

I have a good friend that was 3 kids and is raising them alone.  She struggles to provide for them and is consistently needing assistance. The three kids are also very rambunctious and raising them is difficult. On top of all that the ex-husband is absolutely no help (and honestly is more harmful than anything else). She has it so hard right now. 

She had also been dating for a LONG time now and has gotten close to marriage on a few occasions but nothing ever worked out. I once offered her advice, I told her “One thing that is probably driving a lot of these guys away is the fact that you are always yelling at your kids.” She immediately got defensive and accused me of “not knowing what it’s like”. She felt justified in the way she acted.

Well here is the thing. It doesn’t matter how justified she is in her actions. It doesn’t matter if she was beaten and abused her whole life, or if there are 10 rowdy kids that are always fighting...Guys with kids of their own don’t want to combine families with a woman that is always yelling at her kids.

I would share the same thing to you... and I try to say this in the most kind way possible.

no one wants to marry someone with low self esteem, someone that holds resentment to family or others, someone that is disobedient to commandments, or someone they can’t relate to socially.

To me it appears you are doing great in changing these things, but the biggest thing is that you need to get over this “woe is me”. That is the a big relationship killer. And you definitely can!

I’m ganna give you some links to sources I have used to grow and De-root negative habits I developed. These along with the basics like daily Book of Mormon study and regular temple attendance will be the most important thing (and of course... serve a mission if you haven’t)

 

BOOKS

Compound Effect:https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Compound-Effect-Audiobook/

7 Habits If highly effective people: https://www.audible.com/ep/title/7 habits of highly effective people

Extreme Ownership Audio Book: https://www.audible.com/ep/title/audible extreme ownership

His Needs Her Needs: https://www.audible.com/pd/His-Needs-Her-Needs-Audiobook/

YOUTUBE CHANNELS

Charisma on a command: https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand

Improvement Pill: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBIt1VN5j37PVM8LLSuTTlw

Practical psychology: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCir93b_ftqInEaDpsWYbo_g

Edited by Fether

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On 3/21/2019 at 12:29 PM, MormonGator said:

Bro, your post breaks my heart. I'm praying for you, big time. 
 

Remember that a lot of women are attracted to confident men. If you aren't confident, fake it. Also remember that you are very young and there is a lot of time left for you. The last thing you want to do is rush into a bad relationship and suffer the outcome of that. 

Stay strong my friend. I know it's hard. 

Thank you

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Thanks for all the advice here people. I'll continue working on myself, read those recommended books, stop being so needy, be grateful, be an active member...etc. I am thinking about going in the Navy or Airforce. As soon as I get my diploma from this internship, I'll go in the military. 

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49 minutes ago, without_you said:

Thanks for all the advice here people. I'll continue working on myself, read those recommended books, stop being so needy, be grateful, be an active member...etc. I am thinking about going in the Navy or Airforce. As soon as I get my diploma from this internship, I'll go in the military. 

What about a mission?

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6 hours ago, Fether said:

The Subtle Art if not Giving a [redacted]https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Subtle-Art-of-Not-Giving-a-[redacted]

Pretty sure this violates some site rules. If people (and here I'm speaking not of Fether, but of the book's author) can't get their point across without filthy language, their point is not worth getting across.

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3 minutes ago, Vort said:

Pretty sure this violates some site rules. If people (and here I'm speaking not of Fether, but of the book's author) can't get their point across without filthy language, their point is not worth getting across.

I edited it out of the list. I felt the Book was fairly insightful. Sure he could have done it without vulgarity, but I still enjoyed it and think of the lessons he teaches almost daily.

Edited by Fether

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On 3/21/2019 at 12:32 PM, Iggy said:

At church, I danced with all the guys.

Dude's just having a dry spell. Granted, it's a lifelong dry spell so far, but still, there's no need to push him into a coming out party.

Edited by NightSG

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23 hours ago, NightSG said:

Dude's just having a dry spell. Granted, it's a lifelong dry spell so far, but still, there's no need to push him into a coming out party.

I meant girls. not guys. I typed so fast...that I missed that part. 

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@without_you Wow, you laid it all out there. I commend you for giving it your all. I am going to offer up some thoughts I had and if you want further clarity be sure to ask.

  • You're short for a man. Studies have shown shorter men (men under 5'8") need to make at least $100,000 additional each year to make up for being short. Women do not prefer short men, and obviously there is nothing you can do to control that. You simply have to approach girls that are as tall or shorter than you. Don't approach girls taller than you as it's a 99% likelihood they won't be interested.
  • One of the problems is you're at BYU. I know it might make sense that the sheer number of girls there means you have a greater probability of finding someone, but not so. You see, these girls have many options too. Most women are hypergamist. (look it up) and  they are constantly look to "trade up". If you lived in the Midwest like I did where there are not as many YSA members, many girls would have scarcity in mind about men, because there are much less, and be more willingly to give you a shot via dating. You have abs? Trust me bro, you're in the 99% top of guys then because most guys don't even at have abs. Keep being fit.
  • You said nothing about a mission. If you didn't go on a mission that's 75% of the girls out of your pool at BYU. They want a RM. Sorry that's just the way it is.
  • Also, you may be ugly. Perhaps no one would tell you that because you have to have close friendship to get honest feedback. Studies show that biologically we are draw to symmetry and ratios in the human body. For example, men are draw to women with a 3 to 1 hip to waist ratio. A woman waist show be smaller than her hips. If the woman looks like a Pringles can, it's no bueno. Plastic surgery isn't a bad option but I would leave that as a last resort once you have left BYU. There are website where random people can rate your attractiveness, but it can be brutal, so be careful. Have hope though brother. There are tons of facially unfortunate looking men that have landed wives, and you can too! 
  • Get involved in intramural sports. Most women are vain, but women that play sports are typically better emotionally mature and more likely to be fit. Sports have a way of spending time together and having a mutually shared interest.

The single biggest issue is your ability to make connection with other humans. Your parents were clearly neglectful in their rearing of you based on what you shared. I have 3 daughters and the single biggest goal for me in regards to them is to make sure they always know that I love them. Make sure you have a solid therapist and talk about this with a friend or bishop. Also tell your parents your feelings. Don't worry about how it will make them feel, but how it will make you feel. Don't white knight. Women are emotional experts and they can not connect with someone who can't articulate their feelings. This too, however, can be overcome. Dating is the hunger games, no doubt about it. It's brutal! That's why I'm so glad to be out of the game (married going on 9 years). But once you find her it will be all worth it.

Look bro, don't lose hope. Hope is the single biggest asset you have. You have depression, get the help you need. Practice gratitude to overcome discouragement. You live in the greatest country in the world with tons of opportunities. You will pull through but work through those constraints that I mentioned. And hopefully you can leave BYU and find more success outside the bubble. 

Edited by faithful_father

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On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:
  • You're short for a man. Studies have shown shorter men (men under 5'8") need to make at least $100,000 additional each year to make up for being short. Women do not prefer short men, and obviously there is nothing you can do to control that. You simply have to approach girls that are as tall or shorter than you. Don't approach girls taller than you as it's a 99% likelihood they won't be interested.

As an Asian whose family members - the very rare ones - that reach beyond 5'8" are called giants... this is silly.  There are tons of women who literally look up to 5'8" guys and women who don't need to literally look up to guys to want to marry them.

If you like a girl taller than you, of course approach them.  How else are you going to find out if they like you back?  The trick to getting noticed by a woman is to have the confidence to approach the woman you like and not be bothered by rejection.  Being bothered by rejection is fooling yourself into thinking every woman has to like you.

 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:
  • One of the problems is you're at BYU. I know it might make sense that the sheer number of girls there means you have a greater probability of finding someone, but not so. You see, these girls have many options too. Most women are hypergamist. (look it up) and  they are constantly look to "trade up". If you lived in the Midwest like I did where there are not as many YSA members, many girls would have scarcity in mind about men, because there are much less, and be more willingly to give you a shot via dating. You have ads? Trust me bro, you're in the 99% top of guys then because most guys don't even at your ad. Keep being fit.

If your worldview is such that you think most women are hypergamist, you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. 

You mean ABS?  If you think the way to a woman's heart is through your abs... you're hanging out with the wrong crowd.  But of course, be fit.  Optimum health is something one should pursue for one's self... not just to "score women".

 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:
  • You said nothing about a mission. If you didn't go on a mission that's 75% of the girls out of your pool at BYU. They want a RM. Sorry that's just the way it is.

Now this I agree with.  But, of course, there are a lot of women outside of BYU.

 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:
  • Also, you may be ugly. Perhaps no one would tell you that because you have to have close friendship to get honest feedback. Studies show that biologically we are draw to symmetry and ratios in the human body. For example, men are draw to women with a 3 to 1 hip to waist ratio. A woman waist show be smaller than her hips. If the woman looks like a Pringles can, it's no bueno. Plastic surgery isn't a bad option but I would leave that as a last resort once you have left BYU. There are website where random people can rate your attractiveness, but it can be brutal, so be careful. Have hope though brother. There are tons of facially unfortunate looking men that have landed wives, and you can too! 

Yes, physical good looks is an asset.  But that's just ONE ASSET.  Everything of you - that is, your talents (talents as talked about in the parable of the talents), that includes your looks, your attitude, your habits, your character, your skillset, your spirituality, every single one of those are your ASSETS.  Magnify the talents that God gave you.  Physical good looks is only advantageous when trying to get the attention of somebody you've never met before.  After that, your other assets rise to the surface of attention.  There are tons of people who think they're all that because they look good... then they open their mouths - ugh!

 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:
  • Get involved in intramural sports. Most women are vain, but women that play sports are typically better emotionally mature and more likely to be fit. Sports have a way of spending time together and having a mutually shared interest.

@without_you, please don't take advice from this misguided person whose social sphere is limited to stupid women.  The world is a big place and stupid women only occupy a small part of it.

But yes, play sports.  It's a good way to maintain energy level, stay healthy, and discipline your competitive drive.  But remember, women who play sports can be as great or as stupid as women who don't.

 

On 6/4/2019 at 9:39 AM, faithful_father said:

The single biggest issue is your ability to make connection with other humans. Your parents were clearly neglectful in their rearing of you based on what you shared. I have 3 daughters

Oy!  Not sure how I feel about that!

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@anatess2 you pointing out an exception to a rule doesn't nullify a study or rule. Most Asians are shorter, but you may know a tall one doesn't negate the arguement. Also my social sphere is no limited to "stupid women". What a judgmental thing to say. I'm welcome to defend any statement and give you the reason as to why I said it. Instead of jumping to judgement why don't you try asking more questions. First seek to understand then to be understood type of thing.

 

Edited by faithful_father

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18 minutes ago, faithful_father said:

@anatess2 you pointing out an exception to a rule doesn't nullify a study or rule. Most Asians are shorter, but you may know a tall one doesn't negate the arguement. Also my social sphere is no limited to "stupid women". What a judgmental thing to say. I'm welcome to defend any statement and give you the reason as to why I said it. Instead of jumping to judgement why don't you try asking more questions. First seek to understand then to be understood type of thing.

 

What?  Asians are EXCEPTIONS to the 5'8" rule???  Do you know that there are billions of Asians?  Yes, it DOES negate your argument.  5'8" does not make you vertically challenged in the relationship market.  So, unless you can provide a credible source for your stated statistics of $100,000 more if you're below 5'8", I call BS on that... maybe in Scandinavia that statistic exists.

"Most women are hypergamist", "Most women are vain" - that is a testament to your social sphere of women.  I don't need to ask more questions from you.  You sound like you get your info from the MGTOW crowd and so I fear for what you are teaching your daughters.

By the way, in case it isn't apparent... you're talking to a woman. 

Edited by anatess2

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@anatess2 short men in fact make less money than men, and need to earn more than taller men to compete for women. See Dan Ariely professor at Duke's article on The Upside Down Irrationality.

I was making the argument to the young man that MOST women in the country that he lives (the United States) do not prefer short men. That's a fact. My point to you is that by pointing out one women that is fine with a shorter man doesn't negate the body of research that show that most women prefer taller men. Therefore, based on the discouragement of the OP I recommended not approaching women taller than him. 

Again, the word is, MOST, not all women are hypergamist and vain. Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous women? for her prices is far above rubies." Ever since Old Testament times men have been aware of the potential women have for untapped vanity. Utah rates of plastic surgery surge, because why? In General Conference one of the sister said "One of the ways [sisters] we can show love to our husbands is my living with a budget [our means]." I don't have vain women in my life, FYI. And I not MGTOW because I'm married to a woman, and using labels on people you don't know is generally considered rude.

I tell my daughters to follow after the virtue and teaching of Jesus Christ. Women in general who try to live by Christ's teachings are not vain, nor are they hypergamist. But they are a minority. We can disagree about what the word "most" means, but to me I look around at both LDS and non-LDS women and I see women that care about status, appearance, and class. Men have their own problems no doubt. But women have vanity on lock down sister, and to say so otherwise isn't in keeping with the facts. 

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58 minutes ago, faithful_father said:

@anatess2 short men in fact make less money than men, and need to earn more than taller men to compete for women. See Dan Ariely professor at Duke's article on The Upside Down Irrationality.

I was making the argument to the young man that MOST women in the country that he lives (the United States) do not prefer short men. That's a fact. My point to you is that by pointing out one women that is fine with a shorter man doesn't negate the body of research that show that most women prefer taller men. Therefore, based on the discouragement of the OP I recommended not approaching women taller than him. 

Again, the word is, MOST, not all women are hypergamist and vain. Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous women? for her prices is far above rubies." Ever since Old Testament times men have been aware of the potential women have for untapped vanity. Utah rates of plastic surgery surge, because why? In General Conference one of the sister said "One of the ways [sisters] we can show love to our husbands is my living with a budget [our means]." I don't have vain women in my life, FYI. And I not MGTOW because I'm married to a woman, and using labels on people you don't know is generally considered rude.

I tell my daughters to follow after the virtue and teaching of Jesus Christ. Women in general who try to live by Christ's teachings are not vain, nor are they hypergamist. But they are a minority. We can disagree about what the word "most" means, but to me I look around at both LDS and non-LDS women and I see women that care about status, appearance, and class. Men have their own problems no doubt. But women have vanity on lock down sister, and to say so otherwise isn't in keeping with the facts. 

I have one sentence for you and that's all I'm going to say about that.  You need to get out more.

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I know this is a forum for spiritual discussions..." Our spiritual, physical, mental well being are all important to our Heavenly Father. Thank you for reaching out !

Firstly, I have no doubt you are lovable, attractive, enough, and worthy of love. 5'5", healthy, educated those are wonderful stats. Someone earlier in the responses said, "Dating is the hunger games, no doubt about it. It's brutal!" Don't I know it ! Amen ! I find it impressive that you continue to put yourself out there. You are so brave and so appreciated keep spending time with nice girls, dating and as friends. I'd like to point out that while most of the time when a guy friend zones a girl they stay in that zone but the reverse is not nearly as true. If she develops a trust/confidant/common interests to enjoy together she may see your potential. 

Your sexual abuse and parents who didn't share and/or were not aware of your love languages seem a horrible source of anguish. I feel for you in a very real way. Feelings of being enough, being lovable, self-loathing I have experienced and sometimes still revisit and work through. I was abused at 7 and separate from that my relationship with my father's been a trial at times. I came to understand a few things forgiveness and communication of love languages and my needs. 

I need to ask for hugs, share with people what makes me feel loved and what doesn't. For example my two main love languages are Touch and Service. From what you have said I would imagine yours to be touch and words of affirmation. There's a TED talk I watched recently that toted that humans need about 8 hugs lasting 8 seconds each day to have the proper balance of chemicals on average. That's not to say if you don't get that full 8 and count each second that it's hopeless. Just remember that sometimes we just need to ask for a hug, or maybe extended handshake, and be vulnerable enough to admit that to a friend or trusted ward member. Next time you see your parents, if it's an option, I challenge you to ask for a hug that lasts 8 seconds say you are testing a theory you heard/read about, ask them for a compliment, ask them to mention something they are proud of you for. Let them know how much you would appreciate that from them. Return the favor and express your gratitude for what they did give you. Ask them what makes them feel loved, how they show love. As you said yourself they did provide for you. Some parents can't or don't do that well at all, but will praise and cuddle their kids.  

I found a process for handing over to God and clearing away some of the hardest parts of my life through a specific guided kind of meditation, it requires an open mind/heart and maybe a fairly visual mind. It's a tool I think I will use my whole life but it would be large enough to be its own post. If you care to know more send me a message and I can point you in that direction. 

"PEOPLE always say the right time will come...but I don't believe it anymore!" My "right time" didn't come till I was 35. I was done caring about dating. I wasn't apposed to it; I just cared less, just decided que sera sera, and decided to love people and enjoy life. If you don't believe you don't have a "right time", then focus on the things that interest you. Maybe community league sports, LTUE, ComicCon aka FanX events, magic the gathering tournaments, dancing, being bang-a-rang at your career, pick a mountain to summit, there are conferences for almost anything a person can be interested in. 

Someone earlier mentioned practicing gratitude. That is never a bad idea. I at my lower times I have a little book that everyday I try to  right 5 new things I'm grateful for. Take all this with a grain of salt, and be wise. Good Luck ! Huggles !

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