Please can I ask your advice on finding a church to attend with my girlfriend.


AbramM
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Hello, I am having a problem with my girlfriend that I would like to ask for your help. I am a christian and I am a member of a baptist church, I met my girlfriend on a dating App for christians. After she became my girlfriend I asked her to come to church with me, she didn’t like it and I understand a loud band for worship and people calling out aren’t for everyone. Then I said I will go with her to church and I went with her to your church the Latter-Day-Saint church and I didn’t like it there for a few reasons. We just went back to going to our own churches until January and I asked her to marry me and she said yes, but I told her before we get married we have to find a church we both like to worship in and somewhere we can grow our faith together, raise our family in etc. She agreed to look with me and we went to a methodist church because I thought that is quite a similar service to the Latter-Day-Saint church service, she said she preferred it to the baptist church but she felt it wasn’t right for her. Then I thought we can try an Episcopal church but she didn’t like it there because it felt too ceremonial. Since then she hasn’t come with me to try new churches I have been going and making notes then sharing with her my thoughts and asking her to come next week if it is a church I think she will like but she still doesn’t come. She keeps asking me can we set a date for our wedding, but I can’t set a date until we find a church. Please can you suggest to me a church which has a similar service to the Latter-Day-Saint church, but I prefer more of a sermon than someone from the congregation giving a talk? I am open to any Protestant denomination as long as they are a bible-believing church. There are lots of denominations around where we live so whichever you suggest I am sure there will be a church nearby. I know you probably don’t attend other churches often, but perhaps on holiday when there is no Latter-Day-Saint church around you go to a slightly different church, or maybe you have been once with a friend and thought it was similar. Thank you very much for helping us.   

Abram

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Abram, I think you will find that the majority of us here are partial to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  

The important thing though is that you figure out where Christ wants you to be. When He was one the earth, He established His church with 12 apostles...I don't think you can find that anywhere accept the Church of Jesus Christ.  

We also have a living prophet, the Priesthood, and temples where families can be sealed for eternity. There is so much more to consider than what the Sunday service is like. 

Ultimately, the most important question is where Christ wants you to be. I could not recommend to you anywhere but the church He established.

Good luck in your search and congratulations on your engagement. 

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Hi @AbramM !  I'm an LDS Christian extremely happily married to a Baptist/evangelical dude.   I also very regularly attend non-LDS-Christian churches (cause I'm a nerd that way).  

When it comes to being married and raising a family, most important question to ask here is not about "which pew shall our butts warm Sunday morning", but rather it is "what Truths shall we teach our children and practice in our homes?"

LDS Christians and Protestant Christians are both Christians and agree on the most important things (Christ, His atonement), but have different beliefs on other things (such as LDS believing in eternal marriage, priesthood power, and continuing revelation).   For example, LDS Christians believe that a marriage covenant (when sealed by priesthood power and both parties embrace Christ) is for eternity-- you shall be husband & wife forever and your children sealed to you.  Protestant denominations declare that all marriages & other bonds are dissolved upon death.  Your marriage would not yet be sealed with that eternal priesthood power.  Shall you teach your children the eternal or temporary importance of these bonds?

Another example:  shall you teach your children that the Heavens are open (mommy's view), that they are closed (daddy's view), or that mommy & daddy have different beliefs on this?  Shall a child be baptized right when they are born (as is the practice for some Protestants) or shall they have to accept the Gospel & be of age first (LDS Christians and some Protestant views)?  Which books of scripture shall you teach your family out of (LDS cannon includes more that 66 book Protestant Bible)?

Focus on the most important things first (what Truths shall we teach our children) and reach a common ground.  Don't worry about all the stuff that totally does not matter (like music and sermon style).  

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Hi Abram, if you want a sermon, we have tons of them in the LDS Church.  Just go to lds.org and pull up any of the General Conference videos.  We have another General Conference coming up on April 6 weekend where you will hear sermon after sermon for 2 days straight.

Ok, that said... Church for Latter-day Saints is not about sermons - although that's a part of it.  Church for us is about Covenants.  Church service on Sunday is for Worship and a weekly renewal of our covenants of baptism.  Church is also about Priesthood Authority.  We claim to be the only church with the Priesthood Authority to administer Christ's sacraments.  And also, Church is about fellowship and service.  The talks given is a service each member gives to others as they impart teachings of the Prophets and Apostles as applied to their own lives or as applied to their ward.  Our Church do not have paid clergy.  Every member is called to service.

So, if your fiancee is serious about her faith in the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter-day Saints, other churches would be okay for those occasions when one is put in a situation for fellowship and service to those in other churches.  In the case of your fiancee, she would be doing it as a service to you.  But it is not going to fulfill the renewal of covenants and the administration of the sacrament by Priesthood Authority integral to Sunday worship.

As I see it - not knowing anything about your fiancee - you have a fork in the road... if your fiancee is serious about membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you will just have to accept that that is where she's going to go on Sundays.  But that is not the end of Church for an LDS.  The Church is a lifestyle - it involves callings (teaching, ministering, fellowship, etc.) that happens throughout the week, it involves Covenants that may be expressed through avoidance of certain drinks, the choice of clothes we wear, the activities we engage in, etc.  And one that would affect you directly - the desire for a Temple Sealing.  You will have to be supportive of all of these things even as you don't desire to be involved with these things.

If your fiancee doesn't have a faithful desire to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, then what you need to do is sit down and really ponder with your fiancee what exactly it is you are looking for in Christian living and how Church attendance contributes to that.  The best way is for you both to find out what Christ wants you to do through sincere, humble prayer.  Just trying out Churches like a pair of shoes sounds to me like a futile activity that doesn't have lasting power especially for something that greatly impacts your future children.

But yeah.  That's just my 2 cents.

Edited by anatess2
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5 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Speaking as a person in an LDS-Protestant marriage, your great words are worth much more than that.

I should have added a P.S. - I was devout Catholic who got married to an inactive LDS... fully expected him to become Catholic as he was attending Catholic Church service with me... I got baptized LDS 4 years later, sealed to my husband in the temple a year after that.

 

Edited by anatess2
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I think you are right to want to get this resolved before marriage. Just based on what you’ve written here, I think the bigger issue (over finding a church you are both comfortable with) is that you are so committed to this and she, seemingly, is not. You need to sit down together and really communicate about this issue. Find out why she doesn’t seem to think this is important to figure out before marriage.

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

LDS Christians and Protestant Christians are both Christians and agree on the most important things (Christ, His atonement), but have different beliefs on other things (such as LDS believing in eternal marriage, priesthood power, and continuing revelation).   For example, LDS Christians believe that a marriage covenant (when sealed by priesthood power and both parties embrace Christ) is for eternity-- you shall be husband & wife forever and your children sealed to you.  Protestant denominations declare that all marriages & other bonds are dissolved upon death.  Your marriage would not yet be sealed with that eternal priesthood power.  Shall you teach your children the eternal or temporary importance of these bonds?

 

Aren't Latter-day-Saints Protestant Christians who decide to attend church at a Latter-day-Saint church? It's just a denomination right? Like Assemblies of God or Methodist church?

Edited by AbramM
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22 minutes ago, AbramM said:

Aren't Latter-day-Saints Protestant Christians who decide to attend church at a Latter-day-Saint church? It's just a denomination right? Like Assemblies of God or Methodist church?

LDS Christians are Christians, but they are not Protestants.  Just like Orthodox and Catholics are Christians but not Protestants.  

Assemblies of God and Methodist (both Protestant) beliefs also are very different in some areas.  

Edited by Jane_Doe
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4 hours ago, AbramM said:

Hello, I am having a problem with my girlfriend that I would like to ask for your help. I am a christian and I am a member of a baptist church, I met my girlfriend on a dating App for christians. After she became my girlfriend I asked her to come to church with me, she didn’t like it and I understand a loud band for worship and people calling out aren’t for everyone. Then I said I will go with her to church and I went with her to your church the Latter-Day-Saint church and I didn’t like it there for a few reasons. We just went back to going to our own churches until January and I asked her to marry me and she said yes, but I told her before we get married we have to find a church we both like to worship in and somewhere we can grow our faith together, raise our family in etc. She agreed to look with me and we went to a methodist church because I thought that is quite a similar service to the Latter-Day-Saint church service, she said she preferred it to the baptist church but she felt it wasn’t right for her. Then I thought we can try an Episcopal church but she didn’t like it there because it felt too ceremonial. Since then she hasn’t come with me to try new churches I have been going and making notes then sharing with her my thoughts and asking her to come next week if it is a church I think she will like but she still doesn’t come. She keeps asking me can we set a date for our wedding, but I can’t set a date until we find a church. Please can you suggest to me a church which has a similar service to the Latter-Day-Saint church, but I prefer more of a sermon than someone from the congregation giving a talk? I am open to any Protestant denomination as long as they are a bible-believing church. There are lots of denominations around where we live so whichever you suggest I am sure there will be a church nearby. I know you probably don’t attend other churches often, but perhaps on holiday when there is no Latter-Day-Saint church around you go to a slightly different church, or maybe you have been once with a friend and thought it was similar. Thank you very much for helping us.   

Abram

I would always suggest the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but if you choose not to attend, from what you stated, a more conservative Southern Baptist church may be what you are looking for.  If your fiancé is an active or serious member, she may not settle for any other church.  In this instance it may be best to go with her if you love her, or let her choose which church. 

If she is not very active or serious about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints but looking at other options that may feel comfortable to her...

There are many Baptist churches that do not have the Big Band and are far more traditional with choir and other traditional aspects.  These tend to be more evangelical and conservative.  They are not as loud in their worship and more towards the way you saw Methodist, but with less ceremony and formalities.  She may feel more comfortable with one of these churches as they lack the band feel that you  noted she did not like previously, and it may feel more comfortable to you as they would conjoin more with what you believe in practice.

Another could be a Non-denominational church.  They tend not to sway too far in preference to one religion or another.

It IS important to find out how important the Church is to your fiancé before you get married.  This is something that should be resolved prior to marriage as it could possibly cause difficulties if a couple disagrees after they are married.

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6 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

LDS Christians are Christians, but they are not Protestants.  Just like Orthodox and Catholics are Christians but not Protestants.  

 

Yeah I wouldn't have dated someone who has Orthodox or Catholic. I think that for me my identity as a Christian comes from my beliefs in Christ, it has nothing to do with me being a member of a Baptist church. If it is the case with LDS like with Catholics that your identity as a Christian comes from the LDS church or the Catholic church then obviously she will never want to come to another church with me. But that isn't the impression she gave me, I felt and I trusted that her identity as a Christian came from her beliefs in Jesus Christ not her membership of a church. 

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13 minutes ago, JohnsonJones said:

 There are many Baptist churches that do not have the Big Band and are far more traditional with choir and other traditional aspects.  These tend to be more evangelical and conservative.  They are not as loud in their worship and more towards the way you saw Methodist, but with less ceremony and formalities.  She may feel more comfortable with one of these churches as they lack the band feel that you  noted she did not like previously, and it may feel more comfortable to you as they would conjoin more with what you believe in practice.

 

Yes I know there are so many different Baptist churches I grew up going to a relatively conservative Independent Baptist church and my parents now attend a conservative Southern Baptist church. The reason I haven't kept suggesting Baptist churches to her is that I don't want her to feel I am trying to make her become a Baptist, because even though I love the Baptist church I am a member of it isn't important to me that we attend a Baptist church, just anywhere we feel happy and close to God. 

19 minutes ago, JohnsonJones said:

If your fiancé is an active or serious member, she may not settle for any other church.  

Why do you think she wouldn't settle for another church?

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@AbramM, let's say you're a master chef of French cuisine.

I'm dating a girl from your cooking school. Obviously, she likes French food. I'm not into French so much. She wanted to go eat with me, so I took her to the place I like to go. They serve twigs, fresh pollen, and an assortment of bird droppings with plenty of stale cow urine. Works for me, but she didn't really like it. So the next time we went out, we went to another place that I thought would cater more to her French palate. We enjoyed cotton candy with maple syrup and tall glasses filled with cold vanilla extract. I thought it was more like what she was used to, and she did seem to like it better. But she said it's not really the same. I don't know what to do. If we get together, what are we going to feed the kids? What do you think?

Now I do not mean to compare your ideas of worship with cow urine. I am trying to state that, from the perspective of a Latter-day Saint, worshiping as we do is spiritual food. It feeds our souls. To one extent or another, most Latter-day Saints realize this, maybe not as starkly as I've written above, but they know it by feel. Going to another religious service tends to leave them feeling unfed, in a spiritual sense.

The fact that your girlfriend is preparing to marry you demonstrates either that she's not all that attached to the Church or that she's so head-over-heels, googoo-eyed in love with you that it's overwhelming her. In either case, you're right to be wary. A Latter-day Saint who understands and loves her religion will cling to it. As Christ taught, anyone who values father or mother, sister or brother over the Lord is unfit for the kingdom of God. Our first loyalty must always be to God, as I'm sure you agree.

I foresee four possible outcomes to this:

  • Your girlfriend finds her love for the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and decides (correctly) to make that a top priority. You investigate these weird beliefs of hers, find God's voice speaking to you through them, and get baptized as a convert. The two of you continue to pursue your path together, eventually being sealed as husband and wife, and start your eternal journey together to inherit joys beyond comprehension. (This is what I would call "the ideal".)
  • Your girlfriend finds her love for the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and decides (correctly) to make that a top priority. You cannot reconcile your beliefs with hers, but you love her and she loves you. You find a way to make a life together and still find great happiness as a married couple, figuring out some way to raise your children in a religious atmosphere that probably doesn't fully satisfy either of you, but works as a compromise. (This is what I would call "a pretty good outcome".)
  • Your girlfriend finds her love for the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and decides (correctly) to make that a top priority. You cannot reconcile your beliefs with hers, and your relationship with her eventually withers and dies. (This is what I would call "sad, but frankly it could be worse".)
  • Your girlfriend struggles with being divided between her desires for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and her relationship with you. Eventually, she decides for whatever reason that her interest in the Church is holding her back, so she relinquishes that. She then proceeds on with her relationship with you, which may be wonderful for you both, or maybe not. Hopefully, she doesn't blame you for her choices; but if she does, she and you both have to find a path through. (This outcome is the one I fear.)

Going into a marriage divided in religious ideas is not a big deal for those for whom their religious ideas themselves aren't a big deal. If I very firmly believe that God is a stone wall and my wife firmly believes that God is a gigantic warthog, but neither of us really cares about the nature of God, then that probably won't be an issue between us. But where religious belief is valued, fundamental differences will be important. I guess my advice to you would be to keep this in mind.

Edited by Vort
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10 minutes ago, AbramM said:

Yeah I wouldn't have dated someone who has Orthodox or Catholic. I think that for me my identity as a Christian comes from my beliefs in Christ, it has nothing to do with me being a member of a Baptist church. If it is the case with LDS like with Catholics that your identity as a Christian comes from the LDS church or the Catholic church then obviously she will never want to come to another church with me. But that isn't the impression she gave me, I felt and I trusted that her identity as a Christian came from her beliefs in Jesus Christ not her membership of a church. 

Rewind a little here--

" I think that for me my identity as a Christian comes from my beliefs in Christ" --- LDS Christian COMPLETELY agree here.  Your and her identity as a Christian does come from being a disciple of Christ-- that's literally the definition of being a Christian (Acts 11:20-21).  

The different denominations of Christianity do NOT exist because people have different taste is music.  Rather, they exist become there are important theological differences between different groups-- things like "what does it mean to be baptized?", "how does God speak to men", "what are the sources of authority?", "how should church be governed" etc.  For example, what Episcopalian church believes about baptism is completely different than a Baptist church.  

Hence our urging you to have a conversation with your girlfriend about what she believes and get to know her faith, rather than focusing of (no offense) trivialities like music or sermon style.  

 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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4 minutes ago, AbramM said:

Why do you think she wouldn't settle for another church?

Visiting another church is totally fine.

However, when it comes to belonging to a church and having it be your home, it is important to go where the most Truth is taught and Christ commands you to be.  For example, I have visited Episcopal church (several actually), but I could not belong there  because (after thorough study and prayer) I do not agree with their doctrine of having babies baptized to remove the stain of original sin.  Rather, I believe that a person should be baptized as a believer, making a covenant with God.  

Ultimately, after studying many many different beliefs, I really do find the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to be His Church and the most correct, and where He commands me to be.  I could not belong to another church.  My husband meanwhile, is Evangelical/Baptist.

Talk with you girl, get to know her beliefs.  

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13 minutes ago, AbramM said:

Why do you think she wouldn't settle for another church?

It's a cultural aspect of some religions.  An example you may be able to understand would be Catholics.  Most Catholics believe that they are part of the correct church and that all other churches are not the correct church.  They believe exclusively that they have the correct theology.  Those that are more fervent members will not accept other religions or being members of religions.  Being Catholic is not just being a member of their church, but a way of life.

The same could apply to other religions.  They are not just a church you go to or are a member of, they are a way of life.  A Member of some churches have it that it is the core of their belief system and thus their very culture, way of being, and way of doing things stem from their religion.  It is very hard to change someone's way of life.  If she has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints deeply rooted in her beliefs it may be a way of life for her.  She would not settle for another church for a great length of time.

If she does not, then she may be willing to go to another church.  From what you've described, a more conservative Baptist Church or Non-denominational one seems like it may be a better fit then some of the more organized formal religions which have more ceremony and traditional formats within their lines of worship. 

Marriage is a cooperative thing and both partners need to be willing to work together.  Just because you are Baptist does not mean that this is the wrong choice for both of you to look at.  However, the church you end up going to should be one that both of you are comfortable with.  It seems that she is not so much into the traditional forms of worship found in some of the other protestant religions but at the same time she is also not comfortable with the more enthusiastic forms found in some churches.  I think she is looking for something similar to what is seen in the church she is a member of which is a quieter type of experience similar to what you may have found at the Methodist church, but without the formalities that some of them express.

This is why I say, barring the idea that you guys end up going to our church (and I'd still say that's a good choice), that you may look along those lines of a more traditionalist and quiet Baptist church or Non-denominational.  It seems more along the lines of what you are describing you may be looking for.

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If I am being honest I am very confused I thought Latter-day-Saint church was just a protestant denomination, but that isn't the case and now I am hearing about all new beliefs like having prophets, priesthoods, temples etc It's making me feel kind of dizzy. 

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2 minutes ago, AbramM said:

If I am being honest I am very confused I thought Latter-day-Saint church was just a protestant denomination, but that isn't the case and now I am hearing about all new beliefs like having prophets, priesthoods, temples etc It's making me feel kind of dizzy. 

Maybe you should have a discussion with your fiancee about her Church's beliefs, so that you understand where the posters commenting on this thread are coming from.

M.

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Just now, AbramM said:

If I am being honest I am very confused I thought Latter-day-Saint church was just a protestant denomination, but that isn't the case and now I am hearing about all new beliefs like having prophets, priesthoods, temples etc It's making me feel kind of dizzy. 

That's totally understandable.  Let's take a deep breath here, slow down, and walk through things one step at a time.

#1, the most important piece) Yes members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are Christians.  We accept and celebrate Jesus Christ as our King and Savior.  He is the most important things, the rock on which each person is centered on (or at least should be).

#2) No, LDS Christians are not Protestants.  There are differences in beliefs.  

 

Making sense thus far?

 

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16 minutes ago, JohnsonJones said:

The same could apply to other religions.  They are not just a church you go to or are a member of, they are a way of life.  A Member of some churches have it that it is the core of their belief system and thus their very culture, way of being, and way of doing things stem from their religion.  It is very hard to change someone's way of life.  If she has the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints deeply rooted in her beliefs it may be a way of life for her.  She would not settle for another church for a great length of time.

 

I know that even for some of my baptist friends, when I told them I was going to look for another church to attend (with my girlfriend), they were like "what are you doing?' "Aren't you happy here?". I think for them their identity as a christian comes a lot from the baptist church and they are more likely to say they are baptists than christians. For me it's not that way and I hope my girlfriend doesn't have her loyalty or faith in a specific church but in Jesus Christ, then it will be easy for us to find a church.  

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@AbramM - First, welcome! Second, I admire the fact that you're putting having a common church with your fiancée as such a high priority. If it helps, these are our beliefs in a nutshell: 

1 We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.

3 We believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth.

7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.

10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

11 We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

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