Nowhere else to turn

[JaegerTreats]

Hello, I’m going through an extremely hard time right now. Probably one of the lowest points of my life if not the lowest. For some background, I am an 18 year old female member of the church, I’ve been a member my whole life. I have anxiety and OCD and depression that is a constant struggle in my life. I just started dating, everything is new to me but things were good. I started a relationship with my first boyfriend a couple months back. He is a convert of about 2 years and has made bad life choices. Even after being baptized he had sex with multiple partners and didn’t repent. I don’t think he’s fully committed to the gospel. Of course, I didn’t know this for a good while, but I never felt the spirit around him. Anyways, I fell in love with him. And the past month things have taken a horrible turn. It started with making out, turned into heavy petting/fondling, and two weeks ago and yesterday we broke the law of chastity. Trying not to be descriptive but we basically did everything except actual intercourse. I’m in so much pain spiritually that I can hardly bare it. I feel like I’m being crushed. I never thought that I would do this. I talked to him about it and he’s willing to go see the bishop with me but I don’t think he thinks it’s that big of a deal. I’m thinking to go on my own and not tell him because I’m seriously considering breaking up with him. I’m confident this wouldn’t have happened if I was with someone who was worthy and had a testimony. However, I can’t break up with him super soon because I asked him to go in and get tested for HIV, and I’m worried he won’t do it if I break up with him. He’s been through a lot and it hurts me so bad to do this to him but I think I need to. I’m going to see what the bishop says though. I’m terrified about going in to the bishop though, I’m terrified I’ll be excommunicated. I’m so lost. My family doesn’t know and telling them would shatter them. So I’ve nowhere to turn but here. If this isn’t allowed to be discussed then I understand. Brothers and Sisters please help me. I need support. 

[Midwest LDS]

1 hour ago, JaegerTreats said:

Hello, I’m going through an extremely hard time right now. Probably one of the lowest points of my life if not the lowest. For some background, I am an 18 year old female member of the church, I’ve been a member my whole life. I have anxiety and OCD and depression that is a constant struggle in my life. I just started dating, everything is new to me but things were good. I started a relationship with my first boyfriend a couple months back. He is a convert of about 2 years and has made bad life choices. Even after being baptized he had sex with multiple partners and didn’t repent. I don’t think he’s fully committed to the gospel. Of course, I didn’t know this for a good while, but I never felt the spirit around him. Anyways, I fell in love with him. And the past month things have taken a horrible turn. It started with making out, turned into heavy petting/fondling, and two weeks ago and yesterday we broke the law of chastity. Trying not to be descriptive but we basically did everything except actual intercourse. I’m in so much pain spiritually that I can hardly bare it. I feel like I’m being crushed. I never thought that I would do this. I talked to him about it and he’s willing to go see the bishop with me but I don’t think he thinks it’s that big of a deal. I’m thinking to go on my own and not tell him because I’m seriously considering breaking up with him. I’m confident this wouldn’t have happened if I was with someone who was worthy and had a testimony. However, I can’t break up with him super soon because I asked him to go in and get tested for HIV, and I’m worried he won’t do it if I break up with him. He’s been through a lot and it hurts me so bad to do this to him but I think I need to. I’m going to see what the bishop says though. I’m terrified about going in to the bishop though, I’m terrified I’ll be excommunicated. I’m so lost. My family doesn’t know and telling them would shatter them. So I’ve nowhere to turn but here. If this isn’t allowed to be discussed then I understand. Brothers and Sisters please help me. I need support. 

First of all sister, don't forget that God loves you. Jesus Christ suffered in Gethsemane and died on the cross for you, because he loves you more than you can know, never forget that. You've made a serious mistake, but not an uncommon one so don't panic or feel you are somehow beyond the Grace of Christ.

Secondly, don't be afraid to go to the bishop. His job is to act as a representative of Christ as he guides you through the repentance process. The only one who wants you to be afraid is Satan, because he knows that if he can keep you afraid and keep you away from Christ's representative he can keep you miserable. Don't listen to him! The moment you confess, you will feel an overwhelming outpouring of the love of God. You will feel as if a million pounds has been lifted off of your shoulder. Set up an appointment as soon as you can!

You may have to sit through a disciplinary council, but it's nothing to be scared of. I was in a branch presidency for a while and sat on a couple of councils. The only thing on my mind the entire time was "how can I help this person come to Christ". By voluntarily coming in, you will be showing the bishop how much you desire to repent of your sin, and that is a strong indicator that excommunication is unnecessary.

I just want to leave you this scripture before I go to remind you how much God loves you sister, and how much he wants you to come to him. It's in Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-13

"10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;
 11 For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.
 12 And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.
 13 And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth"

Remember by doing what you need to do to change, and trusting in the Grace of Christ you will bring him joy. You are loved sister and not alone, so good luck in your journey and know that everyone here is pulling for you.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Midwest LDS

[Jane_Doe]

First things first: big hugs and welcome to you, @JeagerTreats, a daughter of God.

Second: when we are sick, it is important to go see the doctor.  When we're physically sick, we go to a MD doctor.  When we are emotionally ill, a person should go to counselor for their help.  There is nothing to be ashamed about this-- heck, even Elder Holland has talked quite openly about his struggle with depression, going to counseling, and the importance of getting that help.  Speaking as a person who's WAY been down the depression/ptsd/sucidical route, I can first-hand testify of the earth moving difference actually getting the help I needed made in my life.  If you are struggling with OCD and/or depression, I can't recommend getting help enough.

It's also important to get help when we are spiritually sick.  For that, we have the Bishop, who's role is that of a doctor: helping you get better, and best access/use the best medience (that being Christ & His atonement).  Dear, I can just hear the agony in your post here-- you're hurting so much!  Please, go see the spiritual doctor and let him help you!  He's not there to punish, he's there as a doctor facilitate healing.  Don't want and dwell in this pain any longer.

[Lost Boy]

16 hours ago, JaegerTreats said:

Hello, I’m going through an extremely hard time right now. Probably one of the lowest points of my life if not the lowest. For some background, I am an 18 year old female member of the church, I’ve been a member my whole life. I have anxiety and OCD and depression that is a constant struggle in my life. I just started dating, everything is new to me but things were good. I started a relationship with my first boyfriend a couple months back. He is a convert of about 2 years and has made bad life choices. Even after being baptized he had sex with multiple partners and didn’t repent. I don’t think he’s fully committed to the gospel. Of course, I didn’t know this for a good while, but I never felt the spirit around him. Anyways, I fell in love with him. And the past month things have taken a horrible turn. It started with making out, turned into heavy petting/fondling, and two weeks ago and yesterday we broke the law of chastity. Trying not to be descriptive but we basically did everything except actual intercourse. I’m in so much pain spiritually that I can hardly bare it. I feel like I’m being crushed. I never thought that I would do this. I talked to him about it and he’s willing to go see the bishop with me but I don’t think he thinks it’s that big of a deal. I’m thinking to go on my own and not tell him because I’m seriously considering breaking up with him. I’m confident this wouldn’t have happened if I was with someone who was worthy and had a testimony. However, I can’t break up with him super soon because I asked him to go in and get tested for HIV, and I’m worried he won’t do it if I break up with him. He’s been through a lot and it hurts me so bad to do this to him but I think I need to. I’m going to see what the bishop says though. I’m terrified about going in to the bishop though, I’m terrified I’ll be excommunicated. I’m so lost. My family doesn’t know and telling them would shatter them. So I’ve nowhere to turn but here. If this isn’t allowed to be discussed then I understand. Brothers and Sisters please help me. I need support. 

That is a tough thing to go through.  First, you will not be excommunicated.  There are many members that have gone through what you are going through.  That might not make it any easier, but hopefully it gives you some hope.

My first word of advice is to never go out with this young man again.  It will only lead to sorrow for you.  His problems are his problems, not yours and you being around him is only going to be worse for the both of you.  He will need to take care of his issues on his own.

Jesus was all about forgiveness.  He paid the price for our sins.  We still need repentance and change.

As for your parents...  They will be sad, but they are still going to love you.  love you without hesitation.  If you turn to them for support, they will help you.  It can be terrifying to go to parents because you don't want to let them down.  I have 4 kids and all of them have made dumb choices in their lives.  I have made my own share of dumb decisions.  We as parents are there to help our kids get back to where they need to be.  But it is hard to do if we don't know there is an injury.

I wish you the best.  Be not afraid. Let our Savior help mend you.

 

[JaegerTreats]

First of all, thank you so much for your support. I really needed this. I’m very thankful for you all.

Heres the deal. I love this man. I love him so much. And he loves me and makes so many sacrifices for me. I’ve never felt this way before about someone. I feel like I’m at home with him. We’re both very similar in our pasts, having ptsd and anxiety and we are like medicine for each other, we can help each other out of anxiety which is amazing. And for those wondering, I am getting help for my OCD and anxiety etc. it’s bern an ongoing process for years. Here’s what’s been on my mind. Someone (a church member) said one time that if you confess breaking the law of chastity with your boyfriend to your bishop that he’ll require you to break up with each other. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to repent, but I have to admit that would hurt me so badly I don’t know if I could bare it. Has any heard of this? Or has any experience?

[Guest Mores]

@JaegerTreats,

The Spirit of the Lord has not altogether withdrawn from you.  He is still calling to you and holding his welcoming hand to you.  That is why you feel the urge to repent.

As for your boyfriend, if he does not believe the Law of Chastity is "a big deal" now, how will he feel about fidelity if you were to continue in your relationship and possibly even get married?  You know he's cheated on you as a girlfriend.  Do you not believe he's going to cheat on you as a wife?

If you don't feel the Spirit around him, that is a big sign that you should not have ANY level of intimacy around him.

It is one thing to make a mistake and then repent (as you are doing).  It is another to continue in sin because it is simply "not a big deal" to him.

Leave him.  Break up with him.  If he actually does love you, that may be the best thing you can do for him.  It could be a wake up call for him that he needs to change.  If you don't, all you're doing is rewarding bad behavior.

Edited May 7, 2019 by Mores

[JaegerTreats]

Thank you for replying. I value your opinion and your points.

Something I need to make clear is that he has NOT cheated on me. Perhaps I worded that wrong. But his having sex with other women happened months before he met me. He is extremely adamant about loyalty and fidelity.

[NeuroTypical]

6 hours ago, JaegerTreats said:

I’m willing to do whatever it takes to repent, but I have to admit that would hurt me so badly I don’t know if I could bare it. Has any heard of this? Or has any experience?

Sure, it's called fear and anxiety.  

I remember somewhere in the late 1990's figuring out I needed to confess and repent.  Holy crap was it hard to get to that first meeting.  I talked to the Executive Secretary in the hall, and almost didn't ask him to make an appointment for me.  As the week went by, I almost scheduled a trip out of town so I could miss the appointment.  The night before I basically prayed to catch a cold or otherwise be too sick to go to my mtg with the bishop.  The day of I really wanted to lose myself in homework and "forget" to go to the appointment.  Driving to the church was so hard, I've never driven so slow in my life, I came within inches of just driving past the church.  After parking, I sat in the car a good 5 minutes trying to work up the motivation to open the door.  As I got out of the car, I really wanted to walk across the street into the store.  In the church, I wanted to go hide in the bathroom instead of make my meeting.  I was honestly at the verge of just bursting into tears the next time someone made eye contact with me.  When I finally saw the bishop and got into his office with the door closed, I frantically searched my brain for some other topic I could talk about with him.  The whole time, the pressure and fear and dread and more fear, I felt like I was going to explode, and sort of hoping I'd die so I wouldn't have to face the hotseat.

Anyway, once I opened my mouth and actually breached the topic, everything was immediately easier.  The difficulties of confession, for me at least, was 90% leading up to me actually saying the words.   Bishop understood.  He was glad I was there, he was honestly very glad to help.

JaegerTreats, you can't be who God wants you to be, as long as you're carrying around all this guilt and shame.  The bishop will help you get rid of it.  There is a holy power in confession.  Perhaps someday science will understand the neurological reaction to using your voice box and saying out loud what we did.  But go do it.  

Edited May 7, 2019 by NeuroTypical

[Guest Mores]

5 hours ago, JaegerTreats said:

Thank you for replying. I value your opinion and your points.

Something I need to make clear is that he has NOT cheated on me. Perhaps I worded that wrong. But his having sex with other women happened months before he met me. He is extremely adamant about loyalty and fidelity.

Very well.  But the rest of my post still applies.  He doesn't seem to care about breaking the Law of Chastity.  Breaking it is bad, but we have the gift of repentance.  But refusing to repent, that is bad no matter what you did or who you are.  Beware of the unrepentant.

Think about this: Who is worse off?  The one who broke the law of chastity and then repented?  Or someone who breaks the word of wisdom on a daily basis?  It is the second one, not because the word of wisdom is more serious than chastity.  It is is because the first was repentant and the second was not.

But in this case, his attitude reveals a lot more than his sexual proclivities.  It reveals that he is an unrepentant soul.  At least for now, he is NOT someone that you should be placing your hopes in.

[JaegerTreats]

I’ve had a serious talk with him about this, and he’s promised he’s willing to do what’s right ( speak with the bishop) and work on strengthening his testimony and living better. He also mentioned making rules so that it never happens again. He’s willing to fight for this relationship and do what’s necessary. I’m not sure if I will stay with him, that’s up in the air and honestly up to God, and what the bishop advises. We’ve talked about possibly breaking it off for several months to a year to work on being better and to possibly see other people. I think he has some good ideas, and he’s proven to me many times that he loves me. I know that for a fact, just as I know I love him. Bottom line is I will take my bishops advice so I guess it doesn’t matter much unless I’m given a choice. I’m just worried we’ll be forced to separate permanently, or be excommunicated or disfellowshipped. Another person in a similar situation said they were given the option of either permanently breaking it off and facing church discipline, or getting married extremely soon. I’m not ready for that. I guess my mind is just racing and coming up with worst case scenarios. Also, we just got a new bishop, I’ve never talked to him before so I don’t know him at all. That makes me more nervous.

 

[Midwest LDS]

9 minutes ago, JaegerTreats said:

Also, we just got a new bishop, I’ve never talked to him before so I don’t know him at all. That makes me more nervous.

I understand being nervous. Just remember your bishop is a servant of Christ and you're mind (and in this case the Adversary as well) are trying to freak you out with the worst case scenarios. Trust me, as someone who has also had to confess things to my bishop before, you will feel a trillion times better the moment you get into his office and start confessing. It's amazing to me how quickly you feel the love and power of Christ when you do something difficult he has asked you to do. I've been praying for you sister, it's going to be ok.

[NeedleinA]

4 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

you're mind (and in this case the Adversary as well) are trying to freak you out with the worst case scenarios.

Agreed. While it is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, the adversary would have you believe the worst of the worst. The opposite is true.

17 minutes ago, JaegerTreats said:

I’m just worried... or be excommunicated

You should have full confidence that one sexual encounter, similar to your description is not excommunication worthy. You can soundly put this out of your mind.

[JaegerTreats]

Well it wasn’t one encounter, it was two. Anyways, I got an appointment scheduled for tonight which is good. I’m freaking out, but it’s good. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers.

[NeedleinA]

48 minutes ago, JaegerTreats said:

Well it wasn’t one encounter, it was two. Anyways, I got an appointment scheduled for tonight which is good. I’m freaking out, but it’s good. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers.

Good job on your appointment.
Be open, be frank with your Bishop. He has heard it before. When your appointment is done you should hopefully realize/remember that you are a loved daughter of our Father in Heaven who has made a mistake.
Once or twice, excommunication will not be on your Bishop's radar.

Edited May 7, 2019 by NeedleinA

[Bad Karma]

23 hours ago, JaegerTreats said:

First of all, thank you so much for your support. I really needed this. I’m very thankful for you all.

Heres the deal. I love this man. I love him so much. And he loves me and makes so many sacrifices for me. I’ve never felt this way before about someone. I feel like I’m at home with him. We’re both very similar in our pasts, having ptsd and anxiety and we are like medicine for each other, we can help each other out of anxiety which is amazing. And for those wondering, I am getting help for my OCD and anxiety etc. it’s bern an ongoing process for years. Here’s what’s been on my mind. Someone (a church member) said one time that if you confess breaking the law of chastity with your boyfriend to your bishop that he’ll require you to break up with each other. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to repent, but I have to admit that would hurt me so badly I don’t know if I could bare it. Has any heard of this? Or has any experience?

 

Well, yes and no...

 

You two will be asked to either choose to get married or end the relationship (Because you as human beings can't be trusted to not break the law of chastity.

 

Look, stop this. Telling perfect strangers on a(Albeit Mormon) forum site is not talking to your Bishop. Go talk to your bishop. It will be ok, just go talk to your bishop.

 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Love blinds people but here is harsh truth.  He was taught the LoC by the missionaries, he had a baptismal interview and specifically said he would live the LoC, and you are saying he has broken his covenant multiple times with multiple women starting shortly after his baptism and doesn't see it as a big deal.  No matter how charming he may be that is not somebody to be trusted in my book unless and until there is some serious repentance.  Stop focusing on how much you think he loves you and look at how much he loves God (his actions will tell you that).  If he doesn't love God more than he loves you he is not somebody to get serious with.

Also, when you say you don't think this would have happened if you were with somebody with a testimony it sounds like you want to blame him for this.  While he may have pressured you, you can't put it all on him.  If you were not being raped then you made a choice to go along with it and you have to own up to that.

[faithful_father]

Feedback #1: You won't be excommunicated. You're too young.

Feedback #2: Take responsibility for your actions

Quote

 I’m confident this wouldn’t have happened if I was with someone who was worthy and had a testimony.

If I was your bishop this is the line that worries me. You're shifting responsibility to your boyfriend. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. This is perhaps the very beginning of the repentance process. 

Feedback #3: You need to tell your parents.

Quote

 My family doesn’t know and telling them would shatter them.

This tells me about your relationship with your parents, and perhaps the greater culture of your family. You should have a solid foundation of love and trust that you can rely on with your parents. If you don't, then I am sorry. 

I'm a father of 3 girls (all very young). And I would absolutely want to know if they had done what you did, so I could help protect them from repeating the mistake again. People make mistakes, especially when you're young and dumb. You need your parents to help you make better choices, because as far as they know you dating this guy is a good thing since he is LDS. But it's not. Dump the BF.

Summary: The world only ends once.

I had the exact same situation as you. I had sex with my LDS girlfriend many, many times when I was 16-18 years old. We justified our actions because "we were in love." Nope. That is what Satan was telling us. As President Kimball says in his book The Miracle of Forgiveness "No young man (or women) who truly loves another, would fondle anothers body." I know you "love him" but you should dump him because he's bad news. Anyone being that promiscuous after baptism has serious repentance to do, but he needs to do it by himself for himself.

God loves you, and Christ is your guide. You made a mistake, see your bishop, follow the repentance process as directed (don't shade the truth, give him the whole story) and move on. But for God sakes, from a guy who knows, break up with this dude before he ruins your life.

Edited June 3, 2019 by faithful_father