Please can you give me some advice on things to do with a 20 month old.


Alia
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On 6/15/2019 at 4:51 PM, Jane_Doe said:

You two NEED to go out and have social interactions, for your sanity and his social development.  Go out, explore life, have fun, and make friends/support network.  

 The alternative is to imprison your self at home: making yourself isolated and miserable, and depriving him of developing needed social skills.  

I'm not a very sociable person and I hate social interactions with people I have nothing in common with apart from we both have a child. 

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27 minutes ago, Alia said:

Everything is boring. Reading with him, watching cartoons with him, drawing with him, playing with Duplo etc. I don't understand it because I used to love reading to him when I got home from work, it was the perfect way for me to unwind and feel like a good mom but now I just find it so mind numbing. 

Yep.  I think I'm right.  You're approaching those things as "chores" you have to do for your child.  Before, it wasn't a chore to read to him when you came home, it was a "mom bonding thing".  A chore is something you do because it has to be done, especially ones you do while wishing you were doing something else.

So, here's my advice - don't do those things "for your child" (chore).  Do those things "with your child" (living).  So, if you're not in the mood for duplo, don't do duplo (I would be pulling my hair out too if I have to play duplo!).  Do something you'd rather do - like read him your law books (yes, you can do this - they like listening to your voice) or you can do whatever you're interested in doing at the time while your son is playing duplo.  You can even take him shopping instead or go visit friends.  Whatever you'd rather do - that's why it was a concern when you told @Mores, your life is just work.  It's no fun for your family if all you'd rather do is work.  So when you said - and family.... doing what?

This is why other kids are very beneficial to a child's development and a mother's sanity.  A kid will need peer play and not just with-mom things.  You can have other kids stimulate your kid with "kid things" like playing duplo and you can stimulate your brain with adult things as you supervise the play - like reading case files... whatever floats your boat.

That's why being a "Stay at Home Mom" (this is such a misnomer) is so much better than being a "Career Mom".  You just have the freedom to do soooooo many different things as a SAHM that you can't do as a Career Mom simply by the fact that your career requires you to be working instead of doing whatever it is you want to do at any time.  And then - you get to do all those things with your kid.

Edited by anatess2
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@Alia, you went from: interacted with people, had a support network, felt inwardly confident, did things you enjoyed, and then came home to do things with your son you both enjoyed & were stimulated by.  A good life.

Now you've moved to: minimal with people, minimal support network, paralyzed by social fears, and just doing things like they are chores- you don't enjoy and aren't simulated by.  Of course you're not happy!

 

So how to address this: 

- Start doing things with your son you both enjoy and find simulations in.  

- Cultivate a sense of confidence and build that support/friend network.  

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Guest Mores
19 hours ago, Alia said:

Everything is boring. Reading with him, watching cartoons with him, drawing with him, playing with Duplo etc. I don't understand it because I used to love reading to him when I got home from work, it was the perfect way for me to unwind and feel like a good mom but now I just find it so mind numbing. I was so excited to care for him all the time but it isn't going the way I thought it would. 

19 hours ago, Alia said:

I'm not a very sociable person and I hate social interactions with people I have nothing in common with apart from we both have a child. 

That sounds like you're simply an introverted work-a-holic.  Welcome to the club.

Hey!  Here's an idea.  You could spend time on an LDS forum with people you could hang out with.  If only you could find such a place.  ;)

Here's a big help: Learn to be a kid.  You probably didn't have a "fun" childhood.  Have one now.  Do things you would normally NOT do.

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On 6/18/2019 at 6:21 PM, Mores said:

Here's a big help: Learn to be a kid.  You probably didn't have a "fun" childhood.  Have one now.  Do things you would normally NOT do.

why do you think I didn't have fun as a child ? It may or may not be true. 

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On 6/18/2019 at 2:21 AM, Jane_Doe said:

@Alia, you went from: interacted with people, had a support network, felt inwardly confident, did things you enjoyed, and then came home to do things with your son you both enjoyed & were stimulated by.  A good life.

Now you've moved to: minimal with people, minimal support network, paralyzed by social fears, and just doing things like they are chores- you don't enjoy and aren't simulated by.  Of course you're not happy!

 

So how to address this: 

- Start doing things with your son you both enjoy and find simulations in.  

- Cultivate a sense of confidence and build that support/friend network.  

What can I do with my son that we can enjoy and I don't need to socialise. 

It isn't that I don't want to socialise but I would like to spend time with just my son for now .

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On 6/17/2019 at 10:36 PM, anatess2 said:

 That's why being a "Stay at Home Mom" (this is such a misnomer) is so much better than being a "Career Mom".  You just have the freedom to do soooooo many different things as a SAHM that you can't do as a Career Mom simply by the fact that your career requires you to be working instead of doing whatever it is you want to do at any time.  And then - you get to do all those things with your kid.

I know that's why I wanted to take some time off but I can't think of anything I want to do with my son. 

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2 hours ago, Alia said:

What can I do with my son that we can enjoy and I don't need to socialise. 

It isn't that I don't want to socialise but I would like to spend time with just my son for now .

You both NEED to get out of the house and hang out with people both of your ages.  An activity at the local children's museum, a playdate at the park, visiting the splash pad, playing  game you both like, etc.   

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2 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Alia, forgive the blunt questions, but why did you have a child? 

 Was there a time when you did look forward to doing things with him?  If so, what sorts of things did you look forward to doing?

I always wanted to be a mom, but I suppose I never really thought about what we would do together. I kind of assumed he would just tag along with me whilst I lived life.    

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21 minutes ago, Alia said:

I always wanted to be a mom, but I suppose I never really thought about what we would do together. I kind of assumed he would just tag along with me whilst I lived life.    

Not at all!

A kid is a person.  For fun times, you go do activities (ideally) you both like.  For example, my local art museum has a "family Saturday", to which my daughter (who is 5) and I both enjoy doing crafts at.    You also learn to enjoy doing things simply because your loved one likes them-- for example, my daughter loves the board game 'Guess Who' right now, so we'll play it together because she's having fun (I won't normally play 'Guess Who' just for me).  Sometimes I'm really not in a 'Guess Who' mood though, so I suggest 'how about we go on a bike ride instead'?

Of course, parenting is not always fun and there is the "must do" list.  Like i need to do laundry tonight, and it's daughter's job to gather laundry and help me sort (we're teaching her responsibility and she's capable of those chores).  I spice it up by having the laundry gathering be a race and a "treasure hunt", but this ultimately something that just needs to get done regardless of whether or not either of us want to do it.  

And after we get the laundry chores done tonight, it's "Mommy and daughter cooking night!", which serves as a reward for both of us.  Daughter picks the recipe she wants (subject to mom approval) and tonight she said she wants to make gingerbread cookies for one of her teachers.  So we'll make cookies and a card for her teacher.  We'll have fun, but at the same time will be practicing counting, cleanliness, speech, kitchen skills, writing, and caring for others.  We take our time with it (breaks for sanity and cooking timers), and it'll probably be tomorrow night when it's all done.  

Note: by myself I hate cooking.  I only cook with daughter, because she enjoys it so much and hence I enjoy it too.  

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Guest Mores
14 hours ago, Alia said:

why do you think I didn't have fun as a child ? It may or may not be true. 

You seemed to indicate you're pretty much a workaholic.  And you also made comments that made you sound like you don't like to socialize.

Edited by Mores
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3 hours ago, Alia said:

I always wanted to be a mom, but I suppose I never really thought about what we would do together. I kind of assumed he would just tag along with me whilst I lived life.    

Gotcha.  Well, sounds like you're going through a bit of a steep learning curve here.  You are discovering momming is actually a thing, perhaps hard work, perhaps a bit unpleasant, and it's different than you thought.

It sounds like the way to be happy here, is to stop talking about how you're bored and don't want to this and don't want to that, and figure out how to start liking what's best for your kiddo.  I mean, you don't have to, you can do all your mom stuff even if you're not happy.   It's just that unless you're planning on not being a mommy any more, it just looks like your two choices are learn to like it, or do it even though you don't like it.

Not sure if this helps or not.

 

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  • 2 months later...

@Alia Here are some of my thoughts:

#1. Small children need food, sleep, contact comfort, exploration activities (crawling - walking) baths and changing.  It is best for them if they are on a regular consistent schedule. 

#2. I am of the opinion that daily schedules for small children (under 5) should be within minutes from day to day.  This includes when for feeding, sleeping, bathing and just about everything they do.  This is the primary reason I an not a fan of day care.  It is best that a small child have consistent surrounding, environment and relationships.   I also believe that many fussy children are sleep deprived because their caregiver is living by their schedule and not the needed schedule of the child.

#3. Exploration activities - as a general rule the attention span of a child is about one minute per year of age.  Thus a 20 month child has an attention span of about 1 1/2 minutes.  This is why kids need to be watched over during activity and why certain younger ages do not do well on away activities - especially if the activity is an hour or more.

#4. Children are smarter than animals and can be trained faster - especially with positive reinforcements.   Nevertheless some children cannot be trained to stay in one place without damaging their personality and some prefer social interaction while some like to be left alone.  Training and teaching is always more successful when the interaction is positive and rewarding for both the trainer and the trainy.  It is critical to realize that the most common denominator of exceptional performers (including genius) is that they have a mentor.

#5. Excellent parenting (mentoring) is the most important contribution any individual can bring to society and there is nothing more valuable and rewarding.  But the rewards of excellent parenting (mentoring children) are primarily long term - sometime the best rewards take decades and longer. 

#6. The longer one waits to be a great parent (mentor) the more difficult it becomes, the less effective it will be and the greater one will regret putting it off.   However, the human brain is not fully developed until about the age 25 and the last thing to develop is executive functions (complex problem solving).   If you are under 25 - I recommend you find some good books and over 25 parent friends.  My wife found a most wonderful book but since we have been married 46 years and I am getting old - I forgot the name of it.  But I am of the mind that no particular book is as important as a willingness and desire to search out custom tailored solutions.

 

The Traveler

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