I hate my husband's calling (Bishop)


Lds_doll
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My husband was recently called as a ward bishop, we are relatively new into the ward and, to make long story short, some people don't like my husband.

Among those people, there is this family that has been in the ward like forever and is giving us a real hard time by spreading gossip and bad intentioned comments.

My husband has already talked to the Stake President but, in my opinion, they care way too much about what this family has to say and keep on questioning my husband about his way of doing things.

I'm deeply sad because I have even thought about quitting church. I see how members stop talking to me and somehow avoid me.

I feel alone and struggling...

What can I do?

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I'm sorry. That sounds awful. It's painful to be treated badly by those who should be on your side. Lean on Christ, He understands. One of His own betrayed Him, and His friends slept during His darkest hour. He can give you strength to endure this. That's one of the reasons for the Atonement. 

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I'm sorry this is happening. I've not had this issue. As I thought about practical advice, my inner rebel kept piping up, "Don't stop going to church! That means they win! Go to church and be cheerful and smiling so the old biddies will have to work even harder to push us out!" Maybe the sentiment isn't good, but I think the actions are good. Focus on people who need a friend or a kind word or a smile. Support your husband and be even kinder to him--his burden is greater due to the actions of these people. Choose faith--and sometimes it is a choice--and rely on the Lord even more. 

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Thank you all for your kind comments... I can't talk to anybody about how I feel without thinking everything will be spread within seconds. I talked to an old friend of mine from a different stake and he instantly told me "Come to our ward, look for a house and move so you can come to this ward, you are deeply appreciated here". And that made me even sadder, because I know this opposition comes from my husband's calling...

 

Sometimes I can't take it anymore... sometimes I want to go to a different ward and stake...but, deep inside, I know it is like giving up...

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4 hours ago, Lds_doll said:

My husband was recently called as a ward bishop, we are relatively new into the ward and, to make long story short, some people don't like my husband.

Among those people, there is this family that has been in the ward like forever and is giving us a real hard time by spreading gossip and bad intentioned comments.

My husband has already talked to the Stake President but, in my opinion, they care way too much about what this family has to say and keep on questioning my husband about his way of doing things.

I'm deeply sad because I have even thought about quitting church. I see how members stop talking to me and somehow avoid me.

I feel alone and struggling...

What can I do?

It would seem to me the thing which is really being hated here is when people maliciously gossip- which should be hated because it is sinful behavior.  My heart goes out for you.

So, how to best love a sinner (or at least continue on with life with them in existence)?  I would recommend a couple of things--

- Pray to the Lord for strength to love them as He does.  Which doesn't mean being ok with their actions (Christ isn't ok with sin).  But how to better love them still.

- Pray to the Lord for strength for thick skin and ability to withstand this sinful whirlwind.  Yes, storms suck.  But Christ can give you the strength to weather any storm, including this one.  I don't know the way He'll provide in this case, but trust in Him and His shelter.  

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First, welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Two thoughts:

- Can you talk to the wife of the previous bishop and/or are there people in your family (out of the area) that have been the wives of bishops? That could help you not feel so alone.

- Remember that "what you feed, grows" so focus on the people who don't avoid you, etc as well as what's going right and the blessings you see from your husband's service.

- Oh, and gratitude shifts your mindset, too (ie callings don't last forever - tape it on your mirror!)

{hugs}

Edited by Manners Matter
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One more thing to consider - When my husband was being asked to accept a bishopric calling, it was stressed that I was a sounding board of sorts. Meaning, if you think the ward needs more fellowship, unity, etc - suggest ward activities. He needs your perspective and ideas and others in the ward may be hoping that your talents and insights will be an influence. (I hope I explained this ok - I'm not suggesting the wife helps run the ward but they can provide balance and information). To illustrate, at one point, I was the Prim Pres vt and she shared some frustration/information with me about a counsellor since I had served in Primary over the years. Later on, when I was losing my partner in a calling and would need another one, because of the situation I knew this same person might be a possibility but not a good fit. My husband took that info back to the bishopric meeting and a problem was avoided (no confidences were broken - I'm just not going to give a play by play).

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I feel so bad for you. 

this may not completely help but.... 

- try to feel sorry for them and pray for them.  These unkind people may not be out to get YOU in particular.  They may be people that are negative towards many others, and as a result THEY cannot be truly happy.  It is hard to feel sorry for people who are mean but the Saviour did suggest we pray for them.  

- The Saviour said "do good to them" that despitefully hate you and persecute you.  That may mean baking cookies for them.  However, in my opinion, this is the pinnacle of Christianity and not always something I can do.  But I have seen it work - although not always.  

-   know  you are not alone.  I have stories I could tell of bishops and branch presidents suffering at the hands of unkind members - including a rock through a Bishop's window!.  I also know  you are also not alone in that the Saviour suffered at the hands of people who should have loved and sustained.  Matt. 5:11

- You also have kind people on this site that can and will pray for you . 

 finally, If I can offer anything it is to consider the new emphasis on strengthening our immediate family.    Hopefully your family are your friends (including your kids).  Cling to them as much as you can because they are truly the eternal type of friends and hopefully your home can be a refuge from the storm.  

With sincere concern, 

One who will be praying. 

 

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Bishops are the closest the church has to traditional Christian pastors. They serve 20+ hours per week, offering counseling, ward organization, volunteer recruitment and retention, and the normal "politics" that comes with leading groups. Though they are volunteers, their families experience the "glass house syndrome." A classic joke is that a ward family decides to have the bishop for lunch--and he isn't even invited (i.e. they gossip relentless about him at their meal). I know of a couple of men who truly felt called into full-time ministry, but their wives did not sense this same calling. Ultimately, they both stepped out of the full-time work, though I suspect that they continued to volunteer their service and to take on teaching opportunities. All this to say to @Lds_doll that yes, you do carry a difficult cross. Your spouse's calling is a tremendously challenging one. I suspect that the long-term rewards could be tremendous. Further, it is likely that you both have done far more good than what you can see and know. My two tiny pieces of counsel would be to find a safe person you can gain support from. Perhaps more importantly, constantly be communicating with your hubby. You two need each other now more than ever.  

Edited by prisonchaplain
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You're in a really tough spot, and so is your husband.  It's really hard to take over leadership of a ward that you haven't been in for very long. And while we like to think that we are above petty power struggles, a relatively new member of the ward stepping into a prominent leadership position can really disrupt the established balance of power in a ward. This may not always be a bad thing, but humans are notoriously bad at coping with this kind of disruption.

I don't know enough of the situation to know what is causing the discord, but I am pretty comfortable stating that the reasons this one particular family doesn't like your husband as bishop is because your husband is making decisions they don't agree with. This is stressful enough, but becomes even more stressful when the stake president seems to be second guessing those decisions.

The bottom line is you need to find a place to vent some of these frustrations. More importantly, your husband needs a place to vent some of his frustrations and share some of the events so that he can get an outside perspective on what is happening.  There may be adjustments he can make that will ease the disruption without sacrificing his vision for the ward. It will become difficult for him and you to do so without violating confidences. This forum may be able to absorb some of this, but a non public chat room (where the details are not visible to web searches) would be ideal.

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We had this in our ward where the bishop called a new move-in to be RS President.  They were only in the ward less than a month, I think.  They were move-ins from Utah (we're in Florida).  So the sisters were a bit "cold" to the new RS President for a while because she had a different way of doing things so it was a bit on the - oh, we don't do visiting teaching like that, we do it this way... oh we don't do RS activities like that, we do it this way... we don't recite the RS motto at the beginning of class, etc. etc... but then after a while the sisters warmed up to her (she and her family were awesome) and eventually they were like lifelong ward members that are always there in every bday party, pool party, service activities, scouts activities, etc. etc.

I'm thinking, maybe this is just a phase and with a bit of time, things will become much better.  We don't always have control of what other people do but we can control how we react to it.

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LDS_Doll,

I served as a bishop for a little over 5 years.  One of things my wife noticed immediately was when she walked into rooms at church conversations stopped.  We wondered if it was just her but in comparing notes with other bishops in the stake with whom I was friends, it happened to their wives too.  Another thing we discovered was that, like my wife, the wives all had a confidant with whom they could talk and at times vent.  Having your husband serve as a bishop is HARD.  Having that outlet was helpful.  My wife has a close friend in the ward with whom she would talk.  If it was more of a venting session she was call my sister who lives in another part of the country.  Find someone, in the ward or not, with whom you can just talk.  In your circumstance perhaps someone outside the ward would be better.

As for members who spoke badly of me, I know there were some.  It only occasionally got back to me...once in blistering detail on social media.  Ouch.  Fortunately, both of the stake presidents I served with seriously had my back with some very difficult issues.  I'm afraid I don't have a really good suggestion for this part of your dilemma other than to encourage open and frequent communication between your husband and the stake president.

I encourage you to ensure that you and your husband take special care to make time for each other that is inviolable.  Your relationship together is the most important one.  For me and my wife that was Friday evenings.  We did the grocery shopping together, would take in a movie, watched Netflix, rode our bikes, whatever.  But that was our evening.  Figure out what works for you and stick with it.  And make sure the executive secretary knows it as well.

There were a couple of evenings where things went terribly.  When I returned home I lay on the bed next to my wife and wept.  She just held me.  That was all she could offer and it meant the world to me.  Make sure, no matter what, you and your husband stand together.

Stay strong.  Every day is one day closer to his being released......

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Thank you all for submitting a piece of advice, you have really made me feel better about my situation.

This Sunday, I tried not to focus on the bad things, but consciously see the positive aspects of having the Gospel in my life.

It is still hard but now I know I can always come back here to this forum and vent and find wonderful people like you all.

I don't live in an English Speaking country and most people I know dont speak English so I'm safe.

 

Thank you all!

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