Helping Someone Who Is Suicidal

[Guest Mores]

My daughter came to me asking for advice.  She said a friend of hers said that he figured that all he ever did was hurt people (unintentionally) so the best thing he should do is kill himself.

I've met the young man and he is actually a very happy person.  But it seemed that he has only one emotion or attitude -- mildly pleasant.  He could be extremely ... ANYthing (happy, angry, depressed, agitated, anxious) and the face he would show everyone is -- mildly pleasant.  But there he was making such a flippant statement.  Even though it sounds depressed, the tone was simply flippant.

Well, I had no idea how to handle the situation.  I didn't really know the details of the conversation or anything.  So, I told her that she needed to encourage him to call the suicide hotline.  And she needed to call them to see if there was anything they could do to advise her on how to deal with this.

They put her on hold for about 15 minutes (seriously!!! -- I'm guessing there just aren't enough people to talk to and too many people suffering from severe depression).  They asked her for details.  She gave them.  In the end, all they told her was to have him call them.  Well, we did that much.  But we don't think he will.

My daughter cares about everyone.  And one reason this kid took a liking to her is that no one else really pays him any attention.  She's the only one willing to be his friend.  She's grown into a very good, kind-hearted woman.  But she also knows the pitfalls of being in a co-dependent relationship.  And she knows that she can only do so much being her brother's keeper.  She doesn't have his home address.  She doesn't have his family's contact information.  And from what I can tell, they're somewhat estranged anyway.

We really can't do anything else but try to encourage him.  But he isn't really responding.  The only other thing we can think of is to call the police.  But the suicide hotline (after all the details) didn't offer that as an option (they didn't discount it either).  When is it appropriate to call the police?

[MarginOfError]

How old is this person?  If they are still a minor, you can notify a counselor at his school or social services and they will get the ball rolling.

If he's already an adult, it gets much harder. As far as I am aware, the most you can do is encourage him to get help.  Counseling or therapy from the suicide hotline or from school resources will work.  But you can't make an adult go.

We held a Bishop's Youth Discussion about suicide for our youth a few months ago.  The big take away (we had a licensed therapist lead the discussion) is that talking can be a healing experience.  So all your daughter needs to do is listen.  Don't offer solutions.  Don't try to fix it.  Just let him talk.  (You can potentially share some of that burden, too. This shouldn't fall entirely on her). For her own sanity, she may want to work on getting others who will listen as well.

For an adult, I don't expect the police will do anything until he poses an imminent threat to himself.

[Guest Mores]

55 minutes ago, MarginOfError said:

How old is this person?  If they are still a minor, you can notify a counselor at his school or social services and they will get the ball rolling.

If he's already an adult, it gets much harder. As far as I am aware, the most you can do is encourage him to get help.  Counseling or therapy from the suicide hotline or from school resources will work.  But you can't make an adult go.

We held a Bishop's Youth Discussion about suicide for our youth a few months ago.  The big take away (we had a licensed therapist lead the discussion) is that talking can be a healing experience.  So all your daughter needs to do is listen.  Don't offer solutions.  Don't try to fix it.  Just let him talk.  (You can potentially share some of that burden, too. This shouldn't fall entirely on her). For her own sanity, she may want to work on getting others who will listen as well.

For an adult, I don't expect the police will do anything until he poses an imminent threat to himself.

He's a twenty something. All the things you mentioned are why it is kinda difficult moving forward.

I feel like he really is just lonely.  But he has a personality that kind of causes it.  It's like a self-imposed exile.  He certainly does want people to listen.  He talks incessantly.  And maybe that's all he needs.  It just seems that we're really limited on what we can do.

[Anddenex]

Having had a close friend who committed suicide a few months back, if an adult there isn't much we can do (unless you catch them in the act, or save them after they have done something to take their life).  The options are:

1) Have someone assigned to them every hour

2) Call the police, but they can't do anything because he/she is not a minor (the family looked at measures of force but by law they couldn't do anything to an adult, and that is probably better that way no matter how hard it will be, or may be)

3) If they reach out, listen and be there, even if it means missing work

4) If at all possible, and someone they will listen to, see if they can help them to recognize their value and worth (life is better than death). In this case, there are programs available to help but they appear to be expensive (which if you think what goes into these programs it shouldn't be surprising).

I am sorry your daughter is experiencing something that can be very emotional draining.

[anatess2]

3 hours ago, Mores said:

He's a twenty something. All the things you mentioned are why it is kinda difficult moving forward.

I feel like he really is just lonely.  But he has a personality that kind of causes it.  It's like a self-imposed exile.  He certainly does want people to listen.  He talks incessantly.  And maybe that's all he needs.  It just seems that we're really limited on what we can do.

This has happened to my son several times.  But he's a teen-ager going to Public School so he has the recourse of going to the School Admins.

One thing I learned is - a lot of girls don't really want to do it, it's that they feel there's no other way.  But it's different for boys - for the boys, it seems like it becomes their mission to get it done.  That said, there are some boys who are more feminine-minded in that sense and there are girls who are more masculine minded.  It takes a lot of talking to figure out what's going on in an individual's head.

Your daughter's friend seems like he's more feminine-minded (just by what I'm getting from your post) - so, it could be that all he really needs is to find a way to give him "another way".  Your daughter will soon become overwhelmed with this.  So, I think what she needs to do is find people like herself to form a support group for this young man, or find one that is already established who will adopt this young man.  Finding a way to get him involved with YSA could help - even if it's just getting him to join the parties.

If he was more masculine minded in this sense, he might have to be "baker acted" to check into a hospital (don't know if there's a baker act or similar thing in your State).

 

Edited June 28, 2019 by anatess2

[Guest Mores]

UPDATE:  He responded by saying that he is not going to call the suicide hotline.  And he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

[NeuroTypical]

On 6/27/2019 at 9:55 PM, Mores said:

When is it appropriate to call the police?

When he starts talking means/methods/timeframe.  He can be all "I'm useless and harmful and need to die" all he wants.  No need for cops until he starts being like "I'm going to get in my car, take my seatbelt off, and drive off a cliff tonight".  The presence of the timeframe raises the urgency.

Until then, honestly, the best thing to do is have the people in his life not panic and get all anxious.  Befriending someone who is experiencing thoughts of suicide is kind of like befriending anyone going through hard times.  You be there for them, love them, if you see something you can do for them, offer it.  You're thinking his talk of suicide is causing people around him to be anxious?  You know what causes anxiety?  Risking telling people close to you that you're thinking about suicide, and watching them freak out and be stressed.  Makes you sorry you said anything in the first place.

 

Edited June 29, 2019 by NeuroTypical