dddd

Married brothers on church dating sites

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I have found, and I know girl friends of mine have found as well, that there are more married men of the church on church targeted online dating sites (or hitting on single girls on Facebook or instagram) than there should be. I am not really big into the online dating scene and already I have come across a handful. Some of them are "separated but just not finished with the divorce preceedings," some have not even started them. Some have been forthcoming. Some have not. The excuses would blow you away. I guess I was lucky I was raised to know that if you go through a divorce you don't date until after it's final. Guess not everyone was raised that way. What's a good way to let these men know that in unacceptable?

Edited by dddd

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Be brutal.  Examples:

”In thirty words or less—what does ‘THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY” mean to you?”

”In thirty words or less—what does “I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL” mean to you?”

”Do you actually wait until you’re bored with your wife before you start cheating; or do you commit adultery even when you think your marriage is going well?”

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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This is so true! Both on dating sites and in person! However, it does give you a lot of practice in saying, ‘No’. Church ladies need lots of practice in saying this golden word which becomes absolutely vital with each step that you take into the relationship. Get a copy of ‘For the strength of youth’ and keep it in your purse. You will probably have to hit someone over the head with it at some point! Maybe they should issue a heavier copy? 

I guarantee you that you will be saying ‘No’ ‘No’ ‘No’ throughout the whole dating process. Actually ‘No, not till you are divorced’. Is the easiest ‘No’. The ‘But just come in for a moment while I find this very interesting Ensign article’ moments are trickier.

Keep a journal! I promise that you will have enough material for a hysterical blog in at least six months. Let us know how it goes!

By the way, some of the octopuses that I encountered went on to hold high positions in the stake. It is only by the grace of God, that I have avoided serving under bros who assured me that the LOC did not apply to them! Try to find it funny! We live in a small world and you will likely end up being friends with their wives and children.  

 

 

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5 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

This is so true! Both on dating sites and in person! However, it does give you a lot of practice in saying, ‘No’. Church ladies need lots of practice in saying this golden word which becomes absolutely vital with each step that you take into the relationship. Get a copy of ‘For the strength of youth’ and keep it in your purse. You will probably have to hit someone over the head with it at some point! Maybe they should issue a heavier copy? 

I guarantee you that you will be saying ‘No’ ‘No’ ‘No’ throughout the whole dating process. Actually ‘No, not till you are divorced’. Is the easiest ‘No’. The ‘But just come in for a moment while I find this very interesting Ensign article’ moments are trickier.

Keep a journal! I promise that you will have enough material for a hysterical blog in at least six months. Let us know how it goes!

By the way, some of the octopuses that I encountered went on to hold high positions in the stake. It is only by the grace of God, that I have avoided serving under bros who assured me that the LOC did not apply to them! Try to find it funny! We live in a small world and you will likely end up being friends with their wives and children.  

 

 

I loved your sense of humor in this post, and do agree that they need to make a heavier strength of youth pamphlet! I carry around the mini ones and apparently that is not eno

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10 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Be brutal.  Examples:

”In thirty words or less—what does ‘THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY” mean to you?”

”In thirty words or less—what does “I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL” mean to you?”

”Do you actually wait until you’re bored with your wife before you start cheating; or do you commit adultery even when you think your marriage is going well?”

:crackup:

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18 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Be brutal.  Examples:

”In thirty words or less—what does ‘THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY” mean to you?”

”In thirty words or less—what does “I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL” mean to you?”

”Do you actually wait until you’re bored with your wife before you start cheating; or do you commit adultery even when you think your marriage is going well?”

This just happened to me today. A guy says his last court date is next week. What would be an appropriate way to respond to this?

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20 hours ago, dddd said:

What's a good way to let these men know that in unacceptable?

What would be an appropriate way to respond to this?

Why reply to them at all?  Nothing wrong with just not saying anything to them, right?

 

Edited by NeuroTypical

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2 hours ago, dddd said:

This just happened to me today. A guy says his last court date is next week. What would be an appropriate way to respond to this?

He’s lying.

If the divorce were uncontested, there wouldn’t be a court date at all.

If it were contested, it wouldn’t be “done” at the hearing—the hearing would be for purposes of oral argument (or even trial), and the judge would issue his written decree weeks or even months later. If he has a hearing coming up, he’s going to be married for several more months.  I could respect (albeit, disagree with) a guy who said “let’s date, my lawyer says this will be over soon even though I can’t say for sure precisely when).  But this song-and-dance about “it’ll all be over at the next hearing” tells me that he’s BSing you and that he knows it.

Not everyone has the temperament for it, of course; so I wouldn’t tell you you MUST take any particularly harsh approach.  But IMHO—with all the caveats of me making a snap judgment to a random internet stranger—this guy deserves to be smacked down, and hard. 

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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11 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

If the divorce were uncontested, there wouldn’t be a court date at all.

Maybe it's different in Colorado.  I have lunch occasionally with a guy who just went through an uncontested divorce.  Yes indeed there was some final event in front of a judge when the final papers were signed and then it was official.   He tells me the judge looked at both of them and asked "is there anything that can happen here to preserve the marriage?", and she took 5 minutes to say "no", and he said "I'd like to say yes, but it takes two, doesn't it?".  Then the judge signed the decree and it was over.

Edited by NeuroTypical

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52 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Maybe it's different in Colorado.  I have lunch occasionally with a guy who just went through an uncontested divorce.  Yes indeed there was some final event in front of a judge when the final papers were signed and then it was official.   He tells me the judge looked at both of them and asked "is there anything that can happen here to preserve the marriage?", and she took 5 minutes to say "no", and he said "I'd like to say yes, but it takes two, doesn't it?".  Then the judge signed the decree and it was over.

Colorado has "no fault" divorce.  It is sometimes called "uncontested" because it doesn't allow for a lot of the same arguments and so forth that a contested divorce requires.  But the no-fault still requires legal intervention.

Did your friend actually mean "uncontested"?  Or was it the typical "no-fault"?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/uncontested-divorce-colorado.htm

According to this, the final thing is just a declaration from both parties to the judge where he can verify that both parties mean what they said in the paperwork.

Edited by Mores

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1 hour ago, Mores said:

Colorado has "no fault" divorce.  It is sometimes called "uncontested" because it doesn't allow for a lot of the same arguments and so forth that a contested divorce requires.  But the no-fault still requires legal intervention.

Did your friend actually mean "uncontested"?  Or was it the typical "no-fault"?

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/uncontested-divorce-colorado.htm

According to this, the final thing is just a declaration from both parties to the judge where he can verify that both parties mean what they said in the paperwork.

Most states have no-fault, I think.  When I use “uncontested”, I mean “there’s nothing the parties are fighting over”—they agree as to property distribution, alimony, child custody, etc.

Frankly, I didn’t know any state still requires the parties to appear in person on an uncontested case.  Utah certainly doesn’t . . . But I probably spoke rashly in my previous post.

Edited by Just_A_Guy

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14 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Why reply to them at all?  Nothing wrong with just not saying anything to them, right?

 

I've done this in the past, but I'm seeing it so frequently that I feel the need to let them know it's NOT ok on an LDS dating site. People get 

"ghosted" for so many reasons these days that ghosting them does not send any message.

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3 minutes ago, dddd said:

I've done this in the past, but I'm seeing it so frequently that I feel the need to let them know it's NOT ok on an LDS dating site. People get 

"ghosted" for so many reasons these days that ghosting them does not send any message.

Not your problem. Just ignore them, perhaps keeping track of the offending people on a private blacklist so you can avoid them a year from now when they really are divorced. If you look for a reason to tell them off and call names or whatever, then you have set yourself up as a target. If they feel you have misjudged them (and especially if you really have misjudged them), they may seek to exact some revenge by talking nasty to you or whatever. Why bring that headache on yourself? Just go on with your life, happy to know you won't be dealing with them in the future.

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22 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Most states have no-fault, I think.  When I use “uncontested”, I mean “there’s nothing the parties are fighting over”—they agree as to property distribution, alimony, child custody, etc.

Frankly, I didn’t know any state still requires the parties to appear in person on an uncontested case.  Utah certainly doesn’t . . . But I probably spoke rashly in my previous post.

Well you are actually right. I know for a fact this man is still having custody disputes. He told a separate friend of mine that it would be about the end of the year before his divorce would be final, and also told her his bishop gave him the ok to date. She actually arranged a visit with both of them and his Bishop to clear this up and this Bishop said no...he should not be dating. Big surprise there, this guy is BSing. I want to smack down hard but don't wnt to be the reason this guy leaves the church or whatever, like BS-ers are prone to do

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14 minutes ago, dddd said:

I've done this in the past, but I'm seeing it so frequently that I feel the need to let them know it's NOT ok on an LDS dating site. People get 

"ghosted" for so many reasons these days that ghosting them does not send any message.

Well, if you have a profile or something, you could put some statements there along the lines of "Please do not bother contacting me if you're married.  I don't care how close to a divorce you are, it's totally inappropriate to try to date someone while you're married."

If you want to reach out and contact people directly I guess you can do that.  I'd think you run the risk of becoming "that woman" who comes onto dating sites just to criticize people.  But I don't really know if that's true or not - I don't know how dating sites work.  Last time I was dating, they didn't exist. :)

Edited by NeuroTypical

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7 minutes ago, dddd said:

He told a separate friend of mine that...

I don't know what site you're on, but this statement makes it seem like there is some way to communicate privately with others?  If so, you could simply warn other women in a "women's forum" if there is one or PMs or whatever.  Like i said, I don't know what site you're on.  But if there is some sort of option to make public statements, then do it.

7 minutes ago, dddd said:

I want to smack down hard but don't wnt to be the reason this guy leaves the church or whatever, like BS-ers are prone to do

If the guy is actively pursuing adultery, then he should leave the Church.  It's got nothing to do with you.

Edited by Mores

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1 minute ago, NeuroTypical said:

If you want to reach out and contact people directly I guess you can do that.  I'd think you run the risk of becoming "that woman" who comes onto dating sites just to criticize people.  

Don't worry, I don't message people unless they message me, but if they make attempts to pursue me while still married I feel an obligation to speak up

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7 hours ago, dddd said:

. I want to smack down hard but don't wnt to be the reason this guy leaves the church or whatever, like BS-ers are prone to do

To my mind, there are worse things that could happen than for a predator like that to voluntarily withdraw from the community from which he selects his victims.

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10 hours ago, dddd said:

 I want to smack down hard but don't wnt to be the reason this guy leaves the church or whatever, like BS-ers are prone to do

If someone leaves the Church because you stood for what's right, that's totally on them so I'd call out every single one of 'em. It could be that other women are thinking the same thing but not speaking up but will once someone else does. If this happens enough, maybe these guys creeps will get the message. Furthermore, other decent guys might appreciate your guts/candor and might be interested because of it.

With that said - some options for responses:

- Let Church leaders do the talking for you. Find some quotes about dating before things are final and post them as needed.

- You could say something along the lines of: Not only am I not interested in being a rebound girl, we obviously have very different standards as I don't believe in cheating. If you want a decent woman, you need to be a decent man so I suggest you delete your profile asap and come back here only after the ink has been dry for at least 6 months AND you've made a comprehensive list of what *you* did/didn't do that led to your failed marriage AND have started making changes to prevent it from happening again. Bye!

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On 7/10/2019 at 11:47 AM, Sunday21 said:

Get a copy of ‘For the strength of youth’ and keep it in your purse. You will probably have to hit someone over the head with it at some point! Maybe they should issue a heavier copy? 

:bouncing:

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