When do you know it's time to quit fighting for your marriage


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My husband and I have been married 10 years next month 31st. Let me start by saying he is a good man and I know he loves me. He has a porn addiction. It used to bother me made me feel like I wasn't good enough. After awhile I came to understand it has nothing to do with me. Now he pays more attention to porn, Facebook, and even tv more than he does me. I've told him how I feel about everything and that I shouldn't be a married woman and feel this lonlely. After an argument 6 months ago I moved to our guest room and he doesn't even care. I'm starting to think maybe my marriage is over but I still love him as much if not more than the day we got married. I've told him I don't need 100% of his attention. I would be happy with even a little bit. He used to be romantic. The one thing I miss most is things like I'd be in kitchen dishes or cooking he'd come up behind me wrap his arms around me and it was the best made me feel so good. Now only time I get attention is if he wants sex. I have cried, cussed, and told him what I need from him. I am afraid this is leading to a divorce in our future. Any advice appreciated. Now I'm not perfect I asked him to take some time and let me know what he needs from me a few days later I asked him he said he couldn't think of anything....

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Outsider views here, but:  Do not underestimate porn. Is it a sin? Yes! It is a form of adultery. Is it an addiction? Absolutely! In my church denomination two leaders I know of had to step down from their roles because of 'affairs' that were not physical. It could have been social media or porn. We were not told. A youth worker was found to have porn on his church computer. He went through two years of counseling before he could be reinstated. It is serious. Your heartbreak is not weakness. It is a normal response to a tragic sin/addiction.

What can you do?

1. Counseling with bishop and with therapist (for both of you, perhaps separately at first)

2. If husband refuses to seek help or insists what he does is common and not a big deal, do not press for an immediate divorce. Consider separation first. Separate bedrooms is not enough. He needs to know that you are the victim of adultery, and by rights you will not be disrespected so carelessly.

3. Please, please ... you will get some good advice here. Anonymous forums are great for information and perspective gathering. However, get yourself a real life circle of support. Friends, family, trusted people who can listen and be there for you.

This is sad, tragic, and nobody should downplay your hurt. May Heavenly Father grant you peace, strength and direction!

 

Edited by prisonchaplain
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Have you tried marriage counseling?
Does he want to change? Or claim to want to?
Does he openly admit he has no desire/intent to change?
Are you both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints?
Has he been counseling with the Bishop?  Have you?
Have either of you made temple covenants? Were you sealed in the temple?
Is anyone in his family aware of his addiction?  Or in yours?
Do you have children?  How many?

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Before you can do anything, you and him need to answer the question “does he want to stop?”

If the answer is no, than he hasn’t upheld his portion of any of his covenants. And divorce maybe be the healthiest option.

If the answer is yes, marriage counseling is great. There is also and fantastic (and pricey) program called life Star that is run in Utah purely for porn and sex addicts of all levels. Go see the bishop, 12 steps ARP with the church, install qustodio or some other internet monitoring app, and do everything you can do get away from it.

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