Junior

I recently got married and I'm struggling to go to church because my wife doesn't want me to go. What should I do?

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Hi, my name is Junior I have actually asked a question here before maybe 2 a while ago. Anyway, I got married 6 weeks ago and we have a 14 week old baby so I was struggling to make it to the sacrament meeting even before I was married because I barely slept when my daughter was first born and my girlfriend didn't want me to leave her with the baby in the morning. I want to go to church but my wife doesn't really want me to go to church and she says we have to go visit her grandparents on Sunday, she had a complication with the birth so she is unable to drive yet so I need to drive her. Last Wednesday evening I had a meeting with my bishop just like a catch up because he wanted to talk to me about church attendance and when I got home my wife was mad at me for going to see my bishop. The week before my mom wanted a lift to the temple so I took her and waited for her and my girlfriend got mad at me and said she doesn't mind if I see my mom but she doesn't want me to go to the temple.  She really doesn't like me doing anything that involves the church 😕 What do you think I should do? I have only been married 6 weeks so I don't want to upset my wife but I really want to go to at least the sacrament meeting on Sunday.   

 

Side Note, my bishop wasn't very understanding of the fact that I can't make it to church because I need to help my wife with the baby. Why do you think that is ?

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Hi and welcome back Junior!  

Since you got a girlfriend hostile to the church, and you had sex with a girlfriend hostile to the church, and impregnated a girlfriend hostile to the church, and married a girl hostile to the church, you now have a wife hostile to the church.  It is what it is - time to make the best of it.  You can start by accepting that the woman you picked, is hostile to the church, and you won't be changing her any time soon.  No really, accept that.  Stop talking about it, stop thinking about it, just internalize that's the way it is, and probably will be for a while.

So she's a new mom, you're a new dad, and kid is a new kid.  Your entire life should revolve around what's best for wife and kid right now.  You need to comfort, care, and please your wife and kid.  When it comes to pleasing your wife or pleasing the bishop, do whatever pleases the Lord.  I'm guessing right now that means being around wife and kid - 14 weeks and complications and wife can't drive yet?  Yeah, she needs as much of you as you can possibly give her.  You go to work and sometimes shower, the rest is about your family. :)  You can sleep later. 

So that's my suggestion.  Give it 6 months, and come back and let us know how things are with a 6 month old in the house.

Edited by NeuroTypical

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1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

So she's a new mom, you're a new dad, and kid is a new kid.  Your entire life should revolve around what's best for wife and kid right now.  You need to comfort, care, and please your wife and kid.  When it comes to pleasing your wife or pleasing the bishop, do whatever pleases the Lord.  I'm guessing right now that means being around wife and kid - 14 weeks and complications and wife can't drive yet?  Yeah, she needs as much of you as you can possibly give her.  You go to work and sometimes shower, the rest is about your family. :)  You can sleep later. 

 

I do want to give her and my daughter all my time but I feel like I could be a better husband and dad if I could just go to the sacrament meeting. I also feel a little guilty to put my family before church commitments. 

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

 So that's my suggestion.  Give it 6 months, and come back and let us know how things are with a 6 month old in the house.

14 weeks went so quickly, I feel like I could wake up tomorrow and my baby girl will be 6 months 😂

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Sacrament is 1 hour per week.  I'll bet you and your wife waste at least that much time watching tv or whatever in a given week.  Ask your wife for 1 hour.  While at home you can study your scriptures.  You need to concentrate the rest of your time on your wife and child.  She was good enough to date, good enough to make a baby with, good enough to marry.  You can't complain now that she doesn't like the church.  It's too late.  

Don't worry about impressing your Bishop.  Make sure your wife feels like your #1 priority.

 

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—Did you tell your wife, prior to your wedding, that you planned to continue participating in your church?

—Did you talk about what kind of time commitment that would entail?

—If you did talk about these topics, what was her response?  Did you reach any agreements?  Are those agreements being honored now?

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10 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

Sacrament is 1 hour per week.  I'll bet you and your wife waste at least that much time watching tv or whatever in a given week.  Ask your wife for 1 hour.  While at home you can study your scriptures.  You need to concentrate the rest of your time on your wife and child.  She was good enough to date, good enough to make a baby with, good enough to marry.  You can't complain now that she doesn't like the church.

 

Yeah it would be 2 hours to be fair as it's an hour round trip for me to get to church. Which I still think isn't a big amount of time to be away from them. 

 

10 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

on't worry about impressing your Bishop.  Make sure your wife feels like your #1 priority.

Yeah I'm not worried about impressing him anymore. He kind of annoyed me last time I saw him, I was telling him my wife was still a little unwell and he didn't seem to care. 

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6 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

—Did you tell your wife, prior to your wedding, that you planned to continue participating in your church?

—Did you talk about what kind of time commitment that would entail?

—If you did talk about these topics, what was her response?  Did you reach any agreements?  Are those agreements being honored now?

Honesyly, we got married very quickly. I think she knew that I would still go to church though. I did know before we got married that she didn't want me to go to church but I never agreed not to go.  

And really we mainly speak about the baby now, so I haven't had much of a chance to speak to her about it and I don't want to stress her out or upset her. 

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4 hours ago, Junior said:

Honesyly, we got married very quickly. I think she knew that I would still go to church though. I did know before we got married that she didn't want me to go to church but I never agreed not to go.  

And really we mainly speak about the baby now, so I haven't had much of a chance to speak to her about it and I don't want to stress her out or upset her. 

 

27 minutes ago, NightSG said:

Control issues. Might as well just accept that you have a new religion now. 

I disagree that you have to give up on Church because of your wife.

Don't argue, don't fight.  But stand up for yourself.  This is what you do - tell the wife - in a non-heated, calm manner, the same way you would tell her that the mail just arrived... "I am going to Church on Sunday, I will be gone for 3 hours - from x to y.  If you like, I can take the baby with me so you can rest."  This shouldn't be presented as a request.  Rather, this should be presented as a Fact of Life.

Isn't the bishop your uncle, or something?  If I remember it correctly, then your uncle being upset is probably because he knows you can stand up for yourself and not jeopardize your marriage when it comes to your devotion to your Heavenly Father and you just haven't done so.

My advice to guys - most women respect a man who wouldn't allow them to treat as a doormat.

Edited by anatess2

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16 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

 

I disagree that you have to give up on Church because of your wife.

Don't argue, don't fight.  But stand up for yourself.  This is what you do - tell the wife - in a non-heated, calm manner, the same way you would tell her that the mail just arrived... "I am going to Church on Sunday, I will be gone for 3 hours - from x to y.  If you like, I can take the baby with me so you can rest."  This shouldn't be presented as a request.  Rather, this should be presented as a Fact of Life.

Isn't the bishop your uncle, or something?  If I remember it correctly, then your uncle being upset is probably because he knows you can stand up for yourself and not jeopardize your marriage when it comes to your devotion to your Heavenly Father and you just haven't done so.

My advice to guys - most women respect a man who wouldn't allow them to treat as a doormat.

I agree.  It’s unfortunate that you didn’t work harder to build clarity on this issue before the marriage; and you probably owe her an apology for that.  But no spouse has the right to unilaterally control the other spouse’s religion, or to micromanage their spouse’s schedule to the point that the spouse can’t spend 2-3 hours per week on a personal activity of their choice.

And frankly, as a dad of six:  My wife has gone through some pretty messy deliveries, including nearly bleeding out after a newbie postpartum nurse didn’t catch the fact that she was hemorrhaging  badly.  She has *NEVER* remained incapable of driving for fifteen weeks after birth.  I don’t buy the story about your wife being medically unable to drive herself to Grandma’s at this point.  I mean, if you’ve heard a doctor say that; I guess that’s the hand you’ve been dealt (but even then, once you’ve dropped her off there should be an LDS ward somewhere within pretty easy distance).  But your wife recovered well enough to plan and go through a wedding with you a month or two after giving birth, so it sounds to me like she may be using her medical woes as a means of controlling you.

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19 hours ago, Junior said:

Hi, my name is Junior I have actually asked a question here before maybe 2 a while ago. Anyway, I got married 6 weeks ago and we have a 14 week old baby so I was struggling to make it to the sacrament meeting even before I was married because I barely slept when my daughter was first born and my girlfriend didn't want me to leave her with the baby in the morning. I want to go to church but my wife doesn't really want me to go to church and she says we have to go visit her grandparents on Sunday, she had a complication with the birth so she is unable to drive yet so I need to drive her. Last Wednesday evening I had a meeting with my bishop just like a catch up because he wanted to talk to me about church attendance and when I got home my wife was mad at me for going to see my bishop. The week before my mom wanted a lift to the temple so I took her and waited for her and my girlfriend got mad at me and said she doesn't mind if I see my mom but she doesn't want me to go to the temple.  She really doesn't like me doing anything that involves the church 😕 What do you think I should do? I have only been married 6 weeks so I don't want to upset my wife but I really want to go to at least the sacrament meeting on Sunday.   

 

Side Note, my bishop wasn't very understanding of the fact that I can't make it to church because I need to help my wife with the baby. Why do you think that is ?

Take the kid to church. If she says no, than take her to her grandparents and then go to church. If you can’t make it to your ward, find another nearby if possible.

if my wife went against the church, I would give a darn what she wanted me or didn’t want me to do with the gospel. I’m making time for God.

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Don't argue, don't fight.  But stand up for yourself.  This is what you do - tell the wife - in a non-heated, calm manner, the same way you would tell her that the mail just arrived... "I am going to Church on Sunday, I will be gone for 3 hours - from x to y.  If you like, I can take the baby with me so you can rest."  This shouldn't be presented as a request.  Rather, this should be presented as a Fact of Life.

I don't think she will appreciate me telling her what I am going to do. And she does need me to drive her to her grandparents on Sunday.  I couldn't take the baby with me though  because my wife is still feeding her. 

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Isn't the bishop your uncle, or something?  If I remember it correctly, then your uncle being upset is probably because he knows you can stand up for yourself and not jeopardize your marriage when it comes to your devotion to your Heavenly Father and you just haven't done so.

No my bishop isn't my uncle. I have an Uncle who is currently a bishop but he is in Tonga. 

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8 minutes ago, Junior said:

I don't think she will appreciate me telling her what I am going to do.

Here is the thing.

if you don’t learn to communicate and respect each others wants and needs, you might as well file for divorce now.  You have a VERY unhealthy relationship that needs to be fixed or you will be unhappy your whole life, and worst yet, you will raise a child in a home by parents who are unhappy and don’t respect each other. And  then your kid will grow up to be just like you two.

Edited by Fether

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29 minutes ago, Junior said:

I don't think she will appreciate me telling her what I am going to do. And she does need me to drive her to her grandparents on Sunday.  I couldn't take the baby with me though  because my wife is still feeding her. 

No my bishop isn't my uncle. I have an Uncle who is currently a bishop but he is in Tonga. 

You're making excuses.

1.)  A 14-week old baby can do without mom for 3 hours.  If your wife doesn't want to do without her baby for 3 hours, good.  You can go to Church without having to worry about your baby crying in the middle of sacrament.

2.)  A wife can't live her entire life only exposed to things she appreciates.  Therefore, you can help her learn to deal with things she doesn't appreciate.

3.) Driving a wife somewhere on a Sunday does not prevent you from going to Church.  You can drive her after Church or before Church.

Now, if you're going to come up with more excuses why you can't go to Church, then the problem is not your wife.  The problem is you.

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2 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I agree.  It’s unfortunate that you didn’t work harder to build clarity on this issue before the marriage; and you probably owe her an apology for that.  But no spouse has the right to unilaterally control the other spouse’s religion, or to micromanage their spouse’s schedule to the point that the spouse can’t spend 2-3 hours per week on a personal activity of their choice.

And frankly, as a dad of six:  My wife has gone through some pretty messy deliveries, including nearly bleeding out after a newbie postpartum nurse didn’t catch the fact that she was hemorrhaging  badly.  She has *NEVER* remained incapable of driving for fifteen weeks after birth.  I don’t buy the story about your wife being medically unable to drive herself to Grandma’s at this point.  I mean, if you’ve heard a doctor say that; I guess that’s the hand you’ve been dealt (but even then, once you’ve dropped her off there should be an LDS ward somewhere within pretty easy distance).  But your wife recovered well enough to plan and go through a wedding with you a month or two after giving birth, so it sounds to me like she may be using her medical woes as a means of controlling you.

But I was going to church really frequently until the baby was born, so I'm sure she knew that I would go back to church again soon. 

Unfortunately, my wife had an emergency c section. The Doctor told us 6-8 weeks until she can drive but my wife still doesn't feel ready and she hasn't fully recovered. Also, if she's driving up front and the baby is fussing in the back it will be extra hassle for her to pull over and tend to our daughter. I think it's best if I drive her. I don't think she is using medical reasons to control me, because it's a lot more frustrating to her that she can't drive whilst I'm at work. 

I do know a ward near her grandparents house but I think it will cause an argument if I go to church. I don't want to argue with her but I definitely don't want to argue with her infront of her grandparents.

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1 hour ago, Fether said:

 

if my wife went against the church, I would give a darn what she wanted me or didn’t want me to do with the gospel. I’m making time for God.

And you would say as much to your wife ?

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

You're making excuses.

1.)  A 14-week old baby can do without mom for 3 hours.  If your wife doesn't want to do without her baby for 3 hours, good.  You can go to Church without having to worry about your baby crying in the middle of sacrament.

2.)  A wife can't live her entire life only exposed to things she appreciates.  Therefore, you can help her learn to deal with things she doesn't appreciate.

3.) Driving a wife somewhere on a Sunday does not prevent you from going to Church.  You can drive her after Church or before Church.

Now, if you're going to come up with more excuses why you can't go to Church, then the problem is not your wife.  The problem is you.

Yeah I know my baby can be away from my wife for a few hours but it would probably clash with her feeding time. 

Ok maybe I am making excuses but it's not because I don't want to go to church it's because I don't want to argue with my wife. Also, she is still not fully healed and I do need to drive her around still including to her grandparents on Sunday.

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16 minutes ago, Junior said:

Yeah I know my baby can be away from my wife for a few hours but it would probably clash with her feeding time. 

Ok maybe I am making excuses but it's not because I don't want to go to church it's because I don't want to argue with my wife. Also, she is still not fully healed and I do need to drive her around still including to her grandparents on Sunday.

You don't need to argue with your wife.  You just tell her - I'm doing X.  Your wife can argue.  You just smile and say... "You're so cute when you're riled up."  But you're still doing X.

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37 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

You don't need to argue with your wife.  You just tell her - I'm doing X.  Your wife can argue.  You just smile and say... "You're so cute when you're riled up."  But you're still doing X.

Okay change the word argue to upset, I don't want to upset my wife. 

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1 minute ago, Junior said:

Okay change the word argue to upset, I don't want to upset my wife. 

That's a bad thing.  So... your wife wants you to stop eating otherwise she'll get upset... see the problem?

If you want your marriage to succeed, you should be the kind of person that makes your wife a better woman.  That means - if she does or says something wrong, you should be able to stand up for what is right.

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2 hours ago, Junior said:

And you would say as much to your wife ?

Absolutely! Now if I wanted to go to the movies or play disc golf with my friends and she didn’t want me to... then we would have a discussion and be open to staying home. The purpose of marriage is not to always give each other what each other wants and to submit like a scared dog to all wants of your spouse. The purpose of marriage is to grow, raise a righteous family, and live with someone you love.

Look. IF there really is a God, and IF this is the true church. Than you better be putting it first in your life. If you don’t believe there is a God and you don’t believe this is the true church, than don’t speak up to your wife. Just keep living life as you are. 

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It became apparent quickly that this is not a problem about attending church, but about problems on your relationship. It sounds like you are both treating this marriage as a high school relationship right now.

you should read “His needs Her needs”  by Willard F Harley Jr. the audio book version is fantastic.

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1 hour ago, askandanswer said:

I've heard rumours that if you put God first, everything else will take care of itself. 

I want to put God first but I can't let my wife know that because she wants me to put her and our baby first

 

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Guest MormonGator
6 minutes ago, Junior said:

I want to put God first but I can't let my wife know that because she wants me to put her and our baby first

 

It sounds complicated. I'm sorry, I know it's not as easy as putting your foot down and going on Sunday and ignoring her opinion. You are in my prayers! 

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