I recently got married and I'm struggling to go to church because my wife doesn't want me to go. What should I do?


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2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

That's a bad thing.  So... your wife wants you to stop eating otherwise she'll get upset... see the problem?

If you want your marriage to succeed, you should be the kind of person that makes your wife a better woman.  That means - if she does or says something wrong, you should be able to stand up for what is right.

Well my wife didn't want me to go and see my mom once a week but I convinced her without having to tell her I'm going to do it and I don't care about her opinion. 

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38 minutes ago, Fether said:

Absolutely! Now if I wanted to go to the movies or play disc golf with my friends and she didn’t want me to... then we would have a discussion and be open to staying home. The purpose of marriage is not to always give each other what each other wants and to submit like a scared dog to all wants of your spouse. The purpose of marriage is to grow, raise a righteous family, and live with someone you love.

Look. IF there really is a God, and IF this is the true church. Than you better be putting it first in your life. If you don’t believe there is a God and you don’t believe this is the true church, than don’t speak up to your wife. Just keep living life as you are. 

I have a testimony that the church is true. I do try to put the church first 

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Hey Junior?  Just full disclosure here - I didn't really feel like an adult until both my kids had been born and I was in my mid '30's.  That said, I was an adult, I just didn't feel like one.  I had to act like one, even though I didn't feel like one.  I had to make principled decisions based on what was right, instead of what was popular, or what would have me liked, or what would make someone mad.  That's part of being an adult.  

When I was an immature dependent child, I was all about "my dad doesn't want me to" this, and "I want to try but my mom said" that.  But once I got married, I had to put all that childish nonsense away and start making decisions based on principles.  

It's your time, brother.  You are learning how to be an adult.  Be quick about it, because your wife and child need you to be one.  You don't have to be mean, rude, or unrighteous.  Just right.

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59 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Hey Junior?  Just full disclosure here - I didn't really feel like an adult until both my kids had been born and I was in my mid '30's.  That said, I was an adult, I just didn't feel like one.  I had to act like one, even though I didn't feel like one.  I had to make principled decisions based on what was right, instead of what was popular, or what would have me liked, or what would make someone mad.  That's part of being an adult.  

When I was an immature dependent child, I was all about "my dad doesn't want me to" this, and "I want to try but my mom said" that.  But once I got married, I had to put all that childish nonsense away and start making decisions based on principles.  

It's your time, brother.  You are learning how to be an adult.  Be quick about it, because your wife and child need you to be one.  You don't have to be mean, rude, or unrighteous.  Just right.

I just turned 20, I am trying to be an adult but I'm quite mature anyway because since my parents divorced I've had to help my mom care for my younger siblings. 

I really don't want to hurt my wife and if I choose to go to church over taking her to her grandparents or even if I take her and then go to church it will hurt her that I'm choosing church instead of spending time with her and our daughter. I really don't want to upset her and she is still quite hormonal and she is vulnerable right now. She is still trying to find her feet as a mom, it hasn't been easy for her. I know God is more important to me than my wife but I don't want my wife to feel that way. It's not necessarily just about me being able to do what I want it's about her emotions. 

Don't get me wrong I want to go to church and I will try explaining that to my wife, but I can't just say I'm doing this whether you like it or not. 

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1 hour ago, Fether said:

It became apparent quickly that this is not a problem about attending church, but about problems on your relationship. It sounds like you are both treating this marriage as a high school relationship right now.

you should read “His needs Her needs”  by Willard F Harley Jr. the audio book version is fantastic.

We've only been married 6 weeks it's not like we got married and magically the next day we were the perfect family. We're still figuring it out but I love and respect my wife 

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1 hour ago, Junior said:

We've only been married 6 weeks it's not like we got married and magically the next day we were the perfect family. We're still figuring it out but I love and respect my wife 

And that’s good. I was rash in my comments before, but you have to see that the way things are being run is not right

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22 hours ago, Fether said:

And that’s good. I was rash in my comments before, but you have to see that the way things are being run is not right

It can be hard sometimes I remember when I was married and it took us a while to be on the same page. Although, I had the reverse to @Junior because my wife was really faithful member and I was inactive. Sometimes when she attended church I did feel that she chose church over me. 

Edited by JGarcia
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7 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

It can be hard sometimes I remember when I was married and it took us a while to be on the same page. Although, I had the reverse to @Junior because my wife was really faithful member and I was inactive. Sometimes when she attended church I did feel that she chose church over me. 

Did it make you dislike the church even more, because you felt like the church was taking her away from you ? 

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7 minutes ago, Junior said:

Did it make you dislike the church even more, because you felt like the church was taking her away from you ? 

Yeah for sure, I used to resent her going to church. I didn't like it that she had friends there and it felt like she had a big part of her life that she loved and I wasn't involved in it. It made me jealous, I suggest you invite your wife to go with you even if she says no, at least she will feel welcomed into that part of your life. 

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Junior if you stop going to church to appease your wife at what stage will you be able to go back to church without hurting her feelings more or making her feel like you have chosen church over her?  It will only get more difficult as you will have changed your behaviour and then will have to change it again.

If you honestly (and the only person you have to answer this to is yourself) want to go to church then just go, things will probably not be as bad as you are anticipating, and if they are you will find a way to deal with it. There will always be a reason not to go - find the reason why you MUST go regardless of the potential actions of others.

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Your wife doesn't get a veto on your right to freedom of religion and that was likely why your Bishop was not to accepting of your excuse.  Plus you will be a better husband and father by putting God first than you will be by putting your wife and daughter first.  It is counter intuitive but it is true. 

You need to clearly and lovingly tell her that your faith is important to you and you are going to live it including going to church each week, it is not up for debate.  Tell her it will make you a better husband and father.  Tell her that it is her choice to either trust you and be accepting of that or to turn this into a sore spot in your relationship, but either way it isn't going to change what you do.  That is part of being the spiritual leader of the home.

You should however look for ways to make it easier for her.  Like if you took your daughter to church with you it would give her some 'me time' to sleep or whatever, and she can't say you are abandoning your daughter if you are taking her with you.  In our ward the young women are happy to help out single parents with little kids during sacrament, but even if you spend the whole time out in the foyer with your baby crying you are at least there, getting the sacrament and fellowshipping with the Saints.

As you live the gospel you will reap the blessings and have the spirit in your home far more often.  In time she will likely notice that and her heart will soften.  She may be willing to come to a social activity or be there when ministering brethren visit you.  My mother joined the church shortly after she married my dad, and he was not at all happy at first with how much it took her out of the home.  She stayed faithful and in time my dad realized it was doing good and he was OK with it.  Then he came to know it was true and joined the church when I was 9.  When I was 10 we were all sealed in the temple.  I can't promise you it will work out like that for you, but I can promise you it won't work out like that as long as let her decide how faithful you will be.

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On 7/17/2019 at 1:52 PM, Junior said:

I want to put God first but I can't let my wife know that because she wants me to put her and our baby first

 

Ether 12:6 comes to mind.

”faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

this is the trial of your faith. Do you act in faith and go to church and see what kind of miracles God can do (like perhaps your wife having a similar experience as @JGarcia).

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On 7/21/2019 at 9:21 PM, KScience said:

Junior if you stop going to church to appease your wife at what stage will you be able to go back to church without hurting her feelings more or making her feel like you have chosen church over her?  It will only get more difficult as you will have changed your behaviour and then will have to change it again.

 

I was mainly waiting for my wife to be more settled as a mom and her to be feeling better. 

 

On 7/21/2019 at 9:21 PM, KScience said:

 If you honestly (and the only person you have to answer this to is yourself) want to go to church then just go, things will probably not be as bad as you are anticipating, and if they are you will find a way to deal with it. There will always be a reason not to go - find the reason why you MUST go regardless of the potential actions of others.

Yeah I want to go to church so much. I really don't want to upset my wife though 

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18 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Like if you took your daughter to church with you it would give her some 'me time' to sleep or whatever, and she can't say you are abandoning your daughter if you are taking her with you. 

That is a whole other issue, my wife has her own church that she is a part of and we haven't spoken about what church we will raise our daughter in but given my wife's dislike of the church I am not holding my breath.

 

19 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

You need to clearly and lovingly tell her that your faith is important to you and you are going to live it including going to church each week, it is not up for debate.  Tell her it will make you a better husband and father.  Tell her that it is her choice to either trust you and be accepting of that or to turn this into a sore spot in your relationship, but either way it isn't going to change what you do.  That is part of being the spiritual leader of the home.

 

I have tried to explain that to her before but well it is hard for her to understand how I will be a better husband and father by spending less time with them. 

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8 hours ago, Fether said:

Ether 12:6 comes to mind.

”faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.”

this is the trial of your faith. Do you act in faith and go to church and see what kind of miracles God can do (like perhaps your wife having a similar experience as @JGarcia).

His marriage failed, I don't want my marriage to fail. 

I do have faith that God will make a way for me to return to church soon

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6 minutes ago, askandanswer said:

Does loving and respecting your spouse mean you allow them to engage in activities that are good? Does your wife love and respect you?

I think it does mean that. My wife does love and respect me, but she doesn't like the church. It isn't a personal thing against me

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1 minute ago, JGarcia said:

We are no longer married but I put it down to the fact we got married far too young, rather than our disagreements about her going to church 

We're only 20 lol. Did you ever resolve your disagreements about her going to church ?

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2 minutes ago, Junior said:

We're only 20 lol. Did you ever resolve your disagreements about her going to church ?

Well we were 17 but I wasn't a mature 17 year old. No even when I didn't care anymore that she went to church I still made her feel bad about it, just so she would have the mindset of making it up to me and she would never stay too long at church. Looking back now it was foolish, but I was young and petty. 

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2 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

@Junior The only real advice I can give you is don't make her feel like you have a huge part of your life that you love and enjoy but she can't be a part of it. You shouldn't be leading a separate part of your life without your wife. 

But she doesn't want to be part of it . 

4 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

Well we were 17 but I wasn't a mature 17 year old. No even when I didn't care anymore that she went to church I still made her feel bad about it, just so she would have the mindset of making it up to me and she would never stay too long at church. Looking back now it was foolish, but I was young and petty. 

I don't think my wife is petty. 

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3 hours ago, Junior said:

I think it does mean that. My wife does love and respect me, but she doesn't like the church. It isn't a personal thing against me

Part of loving and respecting a person is wanting to see their emotional and spiritual needs be met.   Even if it involved that person not being at your side 24/7 or any activity that's not your favorite.  

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