I recently got married and I'm struggling to go to church because my wife doesn't want me to go. What should I do?


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4 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

You get to control when she goes to her church and when she does favors for her parents, too, right?  

Well I'm not controlling, but I would want her to ask me can she go to this thing at church so we can plan around the baby and my work commitments accordingly. 

Also, my wife isn't controlling it's just I don't get much time off work during the week and Sunday is my only full day so she wants us to spend it as a family and she can get some rest because I can help her with the baby. 

It's hard being married with someone from another faith because time I spend at church is time I spend away from them. I am willing to sacrifice some time with my family for God of course but from my wife's perspective it seems I am choosing church over her and the baby 

Edited by Junior
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4 hours ago, Junior said:

Well I'm not controlling, but I would want her to ask me can she go to this thing at church so we can plan around the baby and my work commitments accordingly. 

Also, my wife isn't controlling it's just I don't get much time off work during the week and Sunday is my only full day so she wants us to spend it as a family and she can get some rest because I can help her with the baby. 

It's hard being married with someone from another faith because time I spend at church is time I spend away from them. I am willing to sacrifice some time with my family for God of course but from my wife's perspective it seems I am choosing church over her and the baby 

Well, here’s hoping she reciprocates.

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On 7/31/2019 at 3:37 PM, Junior said:

I am a caring husband, at least I try my best to be ...

Anyway my wife said I can go to church for one hour on Sunday as long as she is well enough to look after the baby, I told her of course I won't leave her to go to church if she is unwell. And she said anything else to do with the church like, meeting my bishop, accepting a calling, paying tithe, taking my mom to the temple etc I need to run by her first. It seems reasonable to me. Plus I didn't have to hurt her feelings 

See- talking to her is a good thin, and not the end of the world :)   Good job.   However, I think we can take this one step further.  

This phrase: "as long as she is well enough to look after the baby, I told her of course I won't leave her to go to church if she is unwell".  

How about we change it to be "if she is unwell, I'll take the baby to church, so she can get some needed rest."

That way you're 1) being a great husband by letting your wife get the rest she needs, 2) being a great dad by caring for kiddo and having some Gospel time, and 3) being a better disciple of Christ and person overall by really committing to going to church and ditching the "well, if she's not feeling good..." excuse.  

 

PS- you can of course take the baby to church when she's feeling well too. 

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3 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

See- talking to her is a good thin, and not the end of the world :)   Good job.   However, I think we can take this one step further.  

 This phrase: "as long as she is well enough to look after the baby, I told her of course I won't leave her to go to church if she is unwell".  

How about we change it to be "if she is unwell, I'll take the baby to church, so she can get some needed rest."

 That way you're 1) being a great husband by letting your wife get the rest she needs, 2) being a great dad by caring for kiddo and having some Gospel time, and 3) being a better disciple of Christ and person overall by really committing to going to church and ditching the "well, if she's not feeling good..." excuse.  

  

PS- you can of course take the baby to church when she's feeling well too. 

We did speak about that but because she doesn't like the church she doesn't want me to take the baby to church with me.

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8 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

And you're ok with being muzzled and forbidden from teaching your child about God?

My wife is a methodist and she wants to have our daughter baptised and confirmed into the methodist church. Obviously, I would rather that not happen, but I have no problems with Methodists. The country I am from Tonga is the only Methodist country in the world and I have lots of friends and family who are Methodist. I wish I could take my daughter to church with me but I am okay with her going to a Methodist church with my wife, and she doesn't know what is going on. Maybe when she is older my wife and I will discuss what church to raise her in, or both. 

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1 hour ago, Junior said:

My wife is a methodist and she wants to have our daughter baptised and confirmed into the methodist church. Obviously, I would rather that not happen, but I have no problems with Methodists. The country I am from Tonga is the only Methodist country in the world and I have lots of friends and family who are Methodist. I wish I could take my daughter to church with me but I am okay with her going to a Methodist church with my wife, and she doesn't know what is going on. Maybe when she is older my wife and I will discuss what church to raise her in, or both. 

@Juniorm I'm in an inter-faith marriage myself.  You're... frankly I think that you're being very silly here, but I'm also feeling like you're not really listening to anything anyone says, so I won't bother anymore here.

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14 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

@Juniorm I'm in an inter-faith marriage myself.  You're... frankly I think that you're being very silly here, but I'm also feeling like you're not really listening to anything anyone says, so I won't bother anymore here.

All I can say is I am a keeper of the peace 

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12 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

No.

Being a keeper of peace and being a doormat are to VERY different things.

There were so many times I rocked the boat with my girlfriend before we were married, like I moved out because I thought it was against the teachings of the church to live with her and she wanted me to stay living with her. It isn't like I am never bold I can be, especially if I think it is something against the teachings of the church 

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1 hour ago, Junior said:

There were so many times I rocked the boat with my girlfriend before we were married, like I moved out because I thought it was against the teachings of the church to live with her and she wanted me to stay living with her. It isn't like I am never bold I can be, especially if I think it is something against the teachings of the church 

You're just ok being muzzled and forbidden to talk to your child about God.

My husband is a different faith than I-- I knew that when we were dating, engaged, and said "I do".  I don't have the right to say "oh I don't like that foundational part of you, you're not allowed to share that with me or our daughter.".  And he doesn't have the right to say that about me or my faith.  Rather we support each other, even while not agreeing on everything.

You're being being ok with being muzzled, having to ask permission to attend a basic worship service... frankly as a person who's in an interfaith marriage and loves BOTH Protestantism and LDS Christian beliefs, I find your behavior to me... sad.  All three of you could be SO MUCH BETTER than  this.  

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5 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

You're just ok being muzzled and forbidden to talk to your child about God.

My husband is a different faith than I-- I knew that when we were dating, engaged, and said "I do".  I don't have the right to say "oh I don't like that foundational part of you, you're not allowed to share that with me or our daughter.".  And he doesn't have the right to say that about me or my faith.  Rather we support each other, even while not agreeing on everything.

You're being being ok with being muzzled, having to ask permission to attend a basic worship service... frankly as a person who's in an interfaith marriage and loves BOTH Protestantism and LDS Christian beliefs, I find your behavior to me... sad.  All three of you could be SO MUCH BETTER than  this.  

Okay but what do I do? I can't just put my foot down and take the baby to church against my wife's wishes. Sure we can have a talk and maybe compromise on something but I am not going to make any demands and force my wife to agree to something she isn't comfortable with and if that makes me a door mat fine. 

 

If your husband said he doesn't want you to take your daughter to church anymore then would you continue to take her against his wishes ? 

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2 hours ago, Junior said:

Okay but what do I do? I can't just put my foot down and take the baby to church against my wife's wishes. Sure we can have a talk and maybe compromise on something but I am not going to make any demands and force my wife to agree to something she isn't comfortable with and if that makes me a door mat fine. 

1) You quit acting like an abused doormat.  Quit the excuses.  Quit the tip toeing around with "I don't want to make anyone mad".  If she's not abusive and she's not going to attack you for this, then quit acting like she will.  You both and your kid deserve better than this.

2) You get on your knees, talk to God, and recommit yourself to truly being His disciple.

3) You sit down with your wife, as a husband and wife, and talk about things like adults.  You listen to what she loves about her faith and she listens to what you love about yours.  Share and discuss any concerns.  You love your spouse's faith because it is part of who they are.  Then you mutually reach a conclusion where you BOTH have a say and your BOTH share the joy you find in Christ with each other and your kid.  

Edited by Jane_Doe
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20 hours ago, Junior said:

Okay but what do I do? I can't just put my foot down and take the baby to church against my wife's wishes.

Actually you can.  You are a custodial parent so you don't need her to give permission for you to take your daughter anywhere.   You can put your foot down and say you are going to church, and you are going to teach your child the things you believe in even if she doesn't go with you.  And she gets to do the same.  If she is going to church and wants to take her with her, she doesn't need your permission, but if you both want to do that at the same time you need to work our a fair schedule for it. 

And your daughter is certainly no excuse for YOU not going, nor is this cowardly 'God made me this way' stuff.  God gives us weaknesses for us to fight against and overcome so he can make them a strength to us.

Fear God or fear your wife (fear as in respect).  She is making you choose between the two and you choice will impact the exaltation of yourself, your daughter and your wife.  Stop being a sacred little boy acting on fear. 

Christ did not come to be a peacemaker, he said:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. (Matt 10:34-38)

Your foe is of your own household.  Take up your cross and follow the Savior.  Stop making excuses, stop defending doing what you know you should not do, stop making excuses, stop letting fear of your wife rule your life.

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On 8/3/2019 at 11:18 PM, Jane_Doe said:

1) You quit acting like an abused doormat.  Quit the excuses.  Quit the tip toeing around with "I don't want to make anyone mad".  If she's not abusive and she's not going to attack you for this, then quit acting like she will.  You both and your kid deserve better than this.

 

I already said my wife isn't abusive and I'm not abused. 

On 8/3/2019 at 11:18 PM, Jane_Doe said:

 2) You get on your knees, talk to God, and recommit yourself to truly being His disciple.

 

I am God's disciple. 

On 8/3/2019 at 11:18 PM, Jane_Doe said:

 3) You sit down with your wife, as a husband and wife, and talk about things like adults.  You listen to what she loves about her faith and she listens to what you love about yours.  Share and discuss any concerns.  You love your spouse's faith because it is part of who they are.  Then you mutually reach a conclusion where you BOTH have a say and your BOTH share the joy you find in Christ with each other and your kid.  

My wife won't want to hear about my faith, but I love methodists already. Anyway I think we can wait and discuss about raising the baby in what church until she is a lot older. 

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On 8/4/2019 at 7:49 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Actually you can.  You are a custodial parent so you don't need her to give permission for you to take your daughter anywhere.   You can put your foot down and say you are going to church, and you are going to teach your child the things you believe in even if she doesn't go with you.  And she gets to do the same.  If she is going to church and wants to take her with her, she doesn't need your permission, but if you both want to do that at the same time you need to work our a fair schedule for it. 

 

The way I see it is I can't win. I can either tell my wife I am going to church and I will take my daughter and I don't care about my wife's thoughts or feelings and I am that kind of man I hate. Or I let my wife choose which church to raise our daughter in and leave teaching about God up to her and I am that kind of man who doesn't get involved with his kids who I hate just as much. 

On 8/4/2019 at 7:49 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

 And your daughter is certainly no excuse for YOU not going, nor is this cowardly 'God made me this way' stuff.  God gives us weaknesses for us to fight against and overcome so he can make them a strength to us.

 

Well I truly believe God did make me this way so I could care for my mom and be a comfort to her. I'm not using my daughter as an excuse.

 

On 8/4/2019 at 7:49 PM, Latter-Day Marriage said:

 Your foe is of your own household.  Take up your cross and follow the Savior.  Stop making excuses, stop defending doing what you know you should not do, stop making excuses, stop letting fear of your wife rule your life.

I've been to the sacramnet meeting 2 weeks in a row now and I am trying my best to follow Jesus 

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@Junior,

Your wife doesn't to have the right (morally or legally) to keep you from worshipping God and going to church.

Your wife doesn't to have the right (morally or legally) to keep you from teaching your daughter about your faith as much as you want and taking her to church with you.

And she surrendered her right to be upset with you for having this faith and living it when she (knowing full well) said "I do" and married you.

 

If you want to let your fear of her being (invalidly) upset rule your life, you can.   It's your life, sleep in the bed you make yourself.

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