dougfir Posted July 22, 2019 Report Share Posted July 22, 2019 (edited) Hello, I've been married for nearly 3 decades and am still struggling with how to deal with my wife's dishonesty. She is dishonest at times to cover up silly things she has done, bad spending decisions (credit cards, etc.), dishonesty in public and private conversations and so on. I can never trust that what she is telling me is accurate. My kids all notice it now and are equally frustrated by it. Our first 10 years were pretty good before I started noticing these problems in a big way. She did all of the finances and I rarely got involved. But then the first large credit card balance was discovered and I started noticing all kinds of things that I had been oblivious to. It has really affected my feelings for her. I have gone to counseling a couple of times and have come away heavy hearted because the counselors tell me that where there is no trust there is no love. I do love her but I don't trust her which encourages me to detach emotionally. I avoid talking to her because I never feel like I get the straight scoop. She is very secretive and guarded anyway and it really has been hard to have a deep, close conversation as a couple, almost since Day 1 of our marriage. I did not notice those things before our marriage. Looking back to when we were dating I realize that I did most of the talking in what I thought was a deep conversation and she would just respond with pleasantries. I feel like I always have to watch our finances because things disappear and I worry that she might start using another credit card. We have been down the secret credit card road 3 times and she doesn't seem to be sorry for doing it. I think she feels entitled because when cornered, she cites reasons why she had to use the card. My ongoing question is: How do I improve our marriage when these trust issues are ongoing problems? I want to be a good husband but I am often detached and indifferent toward her. I feel like I can forgive her for these things but they keep going on and I don't think she realizes that she has a problem. She doesn't seem to care. I feel super guilty when I go to church and hear lessons on loving your spouse and forgiveness. I am in this for the long haul but I don't know how to change my feelings of distrust in the face of ongoing dishonesty. Any ideas or thoughts are welcome. Edited July 22, 2019 by dougfir Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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