Marriage and College friends

[Mandy01]

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

You won't like my response. 

You are WAY too young to get married. Go out and enjoy your life first. 

[Midwest LDS]

2 hours ago, Mandy01 said:

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

I completely understand why you feel that way. But it's not nearly as hard as you might think☺. My wife and I got married when she was 19 so pretty close to you, and she never had problems making friends and doing all kinds of things with them. Now we were going to BYU, so we were around a ton of Latter-day Saint people who were also either married or trying to get married, but even in a different setting it would not have been hard to make friends. A lot of people think that once you get married, you can't hang out with people or others will act weird around you. We got the occasional comment of surprise from our non member friends when they learned how young we were, but we still were able to hang out, go out to movies, played games, had fun experiences etc we just had them together instead of seperately. Now I obviously can't tell you if you are marrying the right man or not, only you can know that. But assuming you feel the confirmation of the Holy Ghost, have dated this young man long enough to get a good feel for how he responds in different situations, and truly love him go forward in faith. You will have a ton of fun and awesome experiences with a lot of friends.

[Jane_Doe]

2 hours ago, Mandy01 said:

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

I'm going to break my response up here:

1) Being married doesn't stop you from having friends in college.  You can still watch movies, hang out, go rock climbing, etc.  You can get to know people at classes, join clubs, etc.  As far as LDS Christian specific activities: you're still welcome at the Institute, going to fun activities with all sorts of folks, etc.  The Institute at your college specifically is very lively, and welcomes both singles and married (I know this as a married person myself).

2) Biological age stops mattering as much after you hit 18.  What matters much more is maturity: how are you with managing yourself, your money, your job, your house, communicating how you feel, knowing yourself, etc.  A person should have decent grasp on these things before getting married, and being irresponsible when you're married hurt you and your spouse.  

[Guest Mores]

16 hours ago, Mandy01 said:

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

I'm not so concerned about your current age (not exactly) as much as other little things you said.

• You talk about your desire to have friends.  I'm wondering how much socialization you've had in high school and earlier.  That's an honest, open question.  Not a criticism. If you're not used to being an adult doing your own thing and making your own decisions and taking care of yourself, what kind of wife are you going to be?  Marriage isn't just about "getting along" with each other.  It is about building a life with someone else with similar goals.  If you've never built a life for yourself, and you've never made adult decisions, or set and achieved adult goals, how are you going to help your husband make adult decision and build a life WITH him?  Some people have had such experience early in their life.  If that's you, then great.  Forget this comment.  If not, you got some growing up to do first.
• You said you've been dating this LDS guy for three years.  That would mean that either he is young and not going on a mission or he was 20 when you were 15.  The fact he was that old dating a minor concerns me.  If, instead, he is also 18 or 19 years old, why is he not going on a mission?  If he's actively LDS, what's up with that?  Another possibility is that you dated when he was 17 and he left for his mission and he's now returned and popped the question.  That means you were really only dating for one year and "waited" for him while he was on his mission.  But that would mean he was 17 when you were 15 when you began dating.  That's still a bit off.  Understand that such age differences in that critical time frame can be important because of so many changes going on at once.  But after you're 18 and older, it matters less and less.  So, it is not the going forward that would be concerning about such age differences, but looking at the past.

Edited August 6, 2019 by Mores

[anatess2]

In my opinion and my opinion only, somebody who believes that Marriage is the end of Making Friends And Having Fun is probably not ready for marriage. 

 

[Mandy01]

7 hours ago, Mores said:

I'm not so concerned about your current age (not exactly) as much as other little things you said.

• You talk about your desire to have friends.  I'm wondering how much socialization you've had in high school and earlier.  That's an honest, open question.  Not a criticism. If you're not used to being an adult doing your own thing and making your own decisions and taking care of yourself, what kind of wife are you going to be?  Marriage isn't just about "getting along" with each other.  It is about building a life with someone else with similar goals.  If you've never built a life for yourself, and you've never made adult decisions, or set and achieved adult goals, how are you going to help your husband make adult decision and build a life WITH him?  Some people have had such experience early in their life.  If that's you, then great.  Forget this comment.  If not, you got some growing up to do first.
• You said you've been dating this LDS guy for three years.  That would mean that either he is young and not going on a mission or he was 20 when you were 15.  The fact he was that old dating a minor concerns me.  If, instead, he is also 18 or 19 years old, why is he not going on a mission?  If he's actively LDS, what's up with that?  Another possibility is that you dated when he was 17 and he left for his mission and he's now returned and popped the question.  That means you were really only dating for one year and "waited" for him while he was on his mission.  But that would mean he was 17 when you were 15 when you began dating.  That's still a bit off.  Understand that such age differences in that critical time frame can be important because of so many changes going on at once.  But after you're 18 and older, it matters less and less.  So, it is not the going forward that would be concerning about such age differences, but looking at the past.

He’s in the military, so he never really had the chance to go on a mission just yet. He wants to go on a couples mission someday, but as I was just baptized I don’t think I’m ready to serve a mission, of course. Right now he’s 20 and I am 18. When we started dating, yes I was only 15, but I never grew up in an LDS church where it’s believed that you don’t start dating until you are 16. 

And I have made a life for myself, it’s just changed completely now that I’m living in a different state, that’s all. I had a pretty close friend group in high school, but having moved to a different state I won’t be seeing them much. I don’t know why you’re assuming that I’ve never made adult decisions for myself or that I’m not independent. I have my own hobbies and stuff that I love. I have a full time job now that I’ve graduated and had a part time job in high school. I drive to the places I need to go. I can cook and enjoy it a lot. I don’t always just hang around my fiancé depending on him. I wouldn’t feel ready for marriage it that was the case. But I do love him so yes I naturally spend a lot of time with him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a life outside of him.  

[Mandy01]

 

22 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

I completely understand why you feel that way. But it's not nearly as hard as you might think☺. My wife and I got married when she was 19 so pretty close to you, and she never had problems making friends and doing all kinds of things with them. Now we were going to BYU, so we were around a ton of Latter-day Saint people who were also either married or trying to get married, but even in a different setting it would not have been hard to make friends. A lot of people think that once you get married, you can't hang out with people or others will act weird around you. We got the occasional comment of surprise from our non member friends when they learned how young we were, but we still were able to hang out, go out to movies, played games, had fun experiences etc we just had them together instead of seperately. Now I obviously can't tell you if you are marrying the right man or not, only you can know that. But assuming you feel the confirmation of the Holy Ghost, have dated this young man long enough to get a good feel for how he responds in different situations, and truly love him go forward in faith. You will have a ton of fun and awesome experiences with a lot of friends.

Thank you for your input. It does give me a lot of understanding for what life will be like after marriage. I’m definitely going to have my own things that I enjoy doing independently, just as I do now. I guess I just get worried that once I’m around people my age they might think that I’m “closed off” from hanging out and stuff because I am married. I know marriage is definitely a commitment that will take time and dedication- more important than having fun with friends in college- I just think it’s still good to have some quality friendships outside of a marriage. Thank you for your advice, it does help to keep it in perspective. We go to Institute together and both of us have already made friends with different people, I think having a healthy environment like this will make it a lot easier to make quality friends with others as well. I’m very excited to being married to my significant other and I understand it’s eternal significance. 

Edited August 6, 2019 by Mandy01

[Vort]

23 hours ago, MormonGator said:

You won't like my response. 

You are WAY too young to get married. Go out and enjoy your life first. 

While I disagree with Gator's response—I don't think you're "too young to get married"—I do wonder if you're emotionally mature enough. Not having enough time to hang out with friends is a very common attitude today, but it's very common exactly because today's young people are painfully immature. Many of them will never successfully transition to adulthood, because our Peter Pan culture is all about perpetuating youth forever.

In previous generations, young people saw adulthood and the concomitant responsibilities to be a privilege to which they aspired. Even today, young children adopt this natural attitude in trying to be "big boys" or "big girls". I urge you to reject this culture of infantilization and eagerly accept the responsibilities and privileges of adulthood. But until you have done so, you might want to hold off on the wedding.

[Guest Mores]

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

He’s in the military, so he never really had the chance to go on a mission just yet.

He needs to go on a mission before you get married.  Both of you will be grateful that he did -- even if you end up marrying someone else while he's gone.

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

I never grew up in an LDS church where it’s believed that you don’t start dating until you are 16. 

I never said there was anything wrong with you dating at 15.  It was that a 17 year old was dating a 15 year old.  Maybe that's common nowadays.  But it is strange to a man of my background.  In my day, one didn't date someone outside of the same year in school until college.  Only some times would you find a really good match with only one year difference.  But that's just a culture change, I guess.

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

And I have made a life for myself, it’s just changed completely now that I’m living in a different state, that’s all. I had a pretty close friend group in high school, but having moved to a different state I won’t be seeing them much.

So, will it be a good time to make new friends without him for a while?  Say... two years?

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

I don’t know why you’re assuming that I’ve never made adult decisions for myself or that I’m not independent.

I didn't.  I was giving that as a condition of some of the comments I made.  Then I said that if this did not accurately describe you, then forget the comment I made.

1 hour ago, Mandy01 said:

I have my own hobbies and stuff that I love. I have a full time job now that I’ve graduated and had a part time job in high school. I drive to the places I need to go. I can cook and enjoy it a lot. I don’t always just hang around my fiancé depending on him. I wouldn’t feel ready for marriage it that was the case. But I do love him so yes I naturally spend a lot of time with him; but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a life outside of him.  

Good.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Vort said:

While I disagree with Gator's response—I don't think you're "too young to get married"—

Yeah, 18 is way too young. Are there people mature enough to get married at a young age? Sure. Not many though. And that doesn't mean it's a good idea. 

 

1 hour ago, Vort said:

In previous generations, 

Off topic (yet again)-Today my friend and I were talking about this! He made the very good point that conservatives complain too much about the past and talk about the "good old days". He was, of  course, exactly right. Like FA Hayek said in his brilliant essay, conservatives seem unable to grasp that the "good old days" never existed. Because even back in the time they think was the "good old days" people complained about the days before then. IE- Conservatives whine about how life was so much better back in the 1950's. Um, in the 1950's people whined about how much better things were in the 1920's. And in the 1920's people whined about how much things were better in the 1890's. People also fail to comprehend that they are over romanticizing a time-thinking about the good while ignoring the reason the past was terrible. Like what some people do for high school. 

Truly fascinating. And oh yeah, my friend is so right wing he makes you ( @Vort) look like a liberal. 

[Vort]

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

Um, in the 1950's people whined about how much better things were in the 1920's.

No, they didn't. In the 1950s, the '20s were viewed as a time of excess and debauchery. And no one, but no one, wanted to go back to the economic devastation of the '30s or the war years of the '40s.

[The Folk Prophet]

8 minutes ago, Vort said:

No, they didn't. In the 1950s, the '20s were viewed as a time of excess and debauchery. And no one, but no one, wanted to go back to the economic devastation of the '30s or the war years of the '40s.

So not related to the thread at all, but it is interesting to me in theory: I'm pretty sure every time views every other time in negative terms. When times are good, they're viewed as excessive, greedy, and unfair, (the gilded age, the roaring twenties, the Reagan years), and when times are bad...well.

It's not even always looking back either. Look at now. Discontent is human nature apparently.

[Fether]

On 8/5/2019 at 3:53 PM, Mandy01 said:

So, this issue isn’t really on marriage itself, but more of the social complications it could cause. I am 18 years old and have been dating my now fiancé for three years. I wasn’t LDS and knew nothing about the religion at first, but overtime I became interested in learning about it because my boyfriend was LDS. Eventually I was baptized into the church and I’ve gained a strong testimony overtime. About half a month ago he asked me to marry him and I said yes. I am confident in my decision to marry him, and I do feel like I am ready because we have been dating for a long time. We have made wedding plans and will be getting married in the late fall. However, I am worried for other reasons. I am about to start college, and I always dreamed of having fun hanging out with college friends (nothing bad- just going to watch movies and stuff like that); partially because my sister had a good number of friends in college and I wanted similar experiences. I’m really worried that I won’t make any close friends now that I’m married though. Most girls my age aren’t married or even in serious relationships so I feel like being married in college would make me feel lonely. I’m also going to a college out of state so I don’t know anyone there to begin with. I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to still have close friends even when married, or if it even seems likely. My marriage does mean the most to me, but there is a part of me that wants to go out with friends and have some harmless fun. The college I am attending does have a high percentage of LDS students, so I would be around people with moral standards close to mine. I just don’t want to feel like being married will close me off from making important friendships. 

I get the vibe that this isn’t a HUGE issue, you just want to experience college life and are curious what others have experienced when it came to marriage and college.

You will definitely miss out on some college specific social interactions. My wife and I had a great friend group we were a part of prior to our marriage. After we were married, we didn’t see much of them anymore because we were just at completely different points in our lives. But we ended up making new friends along the way.  Sure I could have had more fun if I kept waiting, but I didn’t want to.  I don’t regret my decision one bit

Edited August 7, 2019 by Fether

[Guest MormonGator]

11 hours ago, Vort said:

No, they didn't. In the 1950s, the '20s were viewed as a time of excess and debauchery. And no one, but no one, wanted to go back to the economic devastation of the '30s or the war years of the '40s.

Yeah I doubt people said that about the twenties, but I agree about the 30's and 40's. That's why I didn't say that. However, what I said is exactly right. I've heard so many conservatives whine and complain about going back in time. A time that never existed except for their own mind. I feel sorry for them, like I feel sorry for anyone who lives in the past, really. 

Edited August 7, 2019 by MormonGator