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A question about temple marriage

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I became a member when I was 11 and I was the only member in my family, I've always been in and out of going to church. When I went to college I attended church regularly but I still wasn't really keen and I started to date someone I met at church and I fell pregnant with my son, we got married and within 18 months we were divorced. I never went back to church, last October I met my fiance on a dating app for LDS, I wasn't really honest with him about my inactivity in the church because I was worried he wouldn't want to be with me. I misled him into thinking I had a temple recommend, I feel really bad about it and I want to marry him. Some of my friends say he will still want to marry me now and when I am ready to be married in the temple we can do that then, but they aren't members and I don't think they understand. If you were engaged and thought you were going to be married in the temple would you be willing to be married and later be married at the temple? Also, I don't go to church at the moment but I would like to go again and I want to marry my fiance in the temple but it's not been a good time for me to go to church. What do you think I should do? And, I kind of fabricated that my son was conceived before I was married, I just didn't want him to judge me. Do you think I have to tell him? 

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Relationships built on lies aren't relationships.  Be honest with him, or you're merely looking for your next ex-husband.  You need to act like you deserve better than that.  Because you do.

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Welcome to the forum.

You have built your relationship on a foundation of lies, half truths or at least highly important omissions.  Anything built on such a foundation will fail.  

At this point it is possible that your fiance, when he learns, will judge you to be untrustworthy and break it off.  He will be well within his rights to do so.

Now you might think that is harsh, that if he truly loved you he would love you with all your flaws...  This is true... but you have never allowed him to meet the "true you with all your flaws" so how could he possibility love the true you until you let him get to know that person?  All you have given him is the Hollywood myth of yourself.

You have done him and you have done yourself a major disservice by not being honest.  By trying to avoid the "little" pain your deceptions have set both you and him up for major heart ache.

 

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The question is if he loves you.  If he loves you enough to marry you, than you need to tell him the truth.

HOWEVER...in addition to that you need to start going to church.  If nothing else, go to church with him in his ward.  I am unsure what would make it a bad time to ever go back to church.  Normally, it is NEVER a bad time to start going back to church, so that phrase puzzles me.  If it is something specifically in your ward, find another ward that you do not have the conflict in.  If you fiancé is in a different ward, go to his ward with him.  There are many ways to start going back to church.

This would be in preparation to go to the temple.  You may be afraid that you have done things that would prevent you from doing so, and this may be true.  The sooner you work on getting those cleared up with a member of the Bishopric, the sooner you would be able to go to the temple. 

Many times people are afraid of going to the Bishop because they fear punishment.  Normally (though not always) what they imagine will happen is far more harsh than what actually happens.  It could be as soon as tomorrow that you could go to the temple, or it could be a year away.  IF you are in this category, you would not know until you find out for yourself.

If you are worthy, or at least there is nothing that is holding you back, go to church for a month or two and you may be able to go to the Temple sooner than you may expect if that is your goal and you wish to be married in the temple and have someone who wants to take you to the temple.  A temple marriage is worth waiting for and worth working towards.

If this is your goal, and your hoped for future spouse loves you enough to marry you, tell them the truth and the issues at hand.  If they truly love you they will work with you through this and also have the goal of a temple marriage.

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19 hours ago, estradling75 said:

 You have done him and you have done yourself a major disservice by not being honest.  By trying to avoid the "little" pain your deceptions have set both you and him up for major heart ache.

 

I feel terrible about it but I wasn't expecting our relationship to last usually they don't so I never thought I would have to tell him the truth. 

 

19 hours ago, estradling75 said:

At this point it is possible that your fiance, when he learns, will judge you to be untrustworthy and break it off.  He will be well within his rights to do so.

 

I don't want him to leave me, which is why I haven't told him yet. 

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19 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

HOWEVER...in addition to that you need to start going to church.  If nothing else, go to church with him in his ward.  I am unsure what would make it a bad time to ever go back to church.  Normally, it is NEVER a bad time to start going back to church, so that phrase puzzles me.  If it is something specifically in your ward, find another ward that you do not have the conflict in.  If you fiancé is in a different ward, go to his ward with him.  There are many ways to start going back to church.

 

I have anxiety about going to church, I always set my alarm and get clothes ready for church but on Sunday morning we never go. 

19 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

If you are worthy, or at least there is nothing that is holding you back, go to church for a month or two and you may be able to go to the Temple sooner than you may expect if that is your goal and you wish to be married in the temple and have someone who wants to take you to the temple.  A temple marriage is worth waiting for and worth working towards.

 

I think that unfortunately it will take me longer than that, but I am wanting to work towards it. 

 

19 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

 If this is your goal, and your hoped for future spouse loves you enough to marry you, tell them the truth and the issues at hand.  If they truly love you they will work with you through this and also have the goal of a temple marriage.

This is what I hope will happen, but I don't know how likely it is

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20 hours ago, Vort said:

I don't know if your relationship will survive this. But to have any hope at all, you must come clean immediately. The longer your deception goes on, the worse it will be for you and your relationship.

 

20 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Relationships built on lies aren't relationships.  Be honest with him, or you're merely looking for your next ex-husband.  You need to act like you deserve better than that.  Because you do.

 

20 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

First, welcome to the forum.

You need to come clean about everything. The sooner, the better. It's the right thing to do. 

Oh, and find a way to get yourself and your son to church and make it a habit.

 

21 hours ago, MormonGator said:

With very few exceptions, no one can keep a secret forever. It's better to lay it all out than have it come out three months down the road. 

21 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

You need to tell him the truth.

Yes you're right I have to be truthful and see what happens 

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56 minutes ago, Friend said:
20 hours ago, estradling75 said:

 You have done him and you have done yourself a major disservice by not being honest.  By trying to avoid the "little" pain your deceptions have set both you and him up for major heart ache.

I feel terrible about it but I wasn't expecting our relationship to last usually they don't so I never thought I would have to tell him the truth. 

Then you have the perfect segue to start the conversation: "You know, John, I didn't realize we would be getting close like this. I need to be upfront with you about some private matters that I didn't want to go into with just a casual friend. So, here are some things you should know about me and my life." [etc.]

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2 hours ago, Friend said:

I have anxiety about going to church, I always set my alarm and get clothes ready for church but on Sunday morning we never go. 

I think that unfortunately it will take me longer than that, but I am wanting to work towards it. 

 

This is what I hope will happen, but I don't know how likely it is

I'm not a psychologist, so what follows is just my thoughts on hoping to help.

Well, if you have someone to go with (perhaps the one you want to marry) it will make it easier to go.  It seems if we have someone to encourage us, many times it becomes easier for us to go to things than if we try to do things on our own.

I'd encourage you to get people to help you go and to sit with you, that could make it a lot easier, especially with anxiety issues.  If you know someone there that is wanting to be there with you, will sit with you and comfort you if you do have anxiety, it helps.

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1 hour ago, Vort said:

Then you have the perfect segue to start the conversation: "You know, John, I didn't realize we would be getting close like this. I need to be upfront with you about some private matters that I didn't want to go into with just a casual friend. So, here are some things you should know about me and my life." [etc.]

Indeed...  No one expect a person to share intimate details with a stranger...  But in the process of gaining a fiance those details become more and more relevant.  Now that marriage is being planned for they absolutely need to be known.   How he might react to the news is unknown... but if it turns out poorly it is better to lose an engagement rather then a marriage.

 

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@Friend

I’ll try to add some perspective. Relationships only work when both people love each other. Until both people know that they live one another, a strong relationship won’t form. If one person is lying about who they are, then it is only a fake love and both people are wasting time and setting themselves up for disaster.

A quick story. My sister-in-law is on dating sites a lot. She once went on a date with a guy who had a good looking picture. When they met for the first date, she found out the pic was old and he was a lot fatter now. The resulting date was an awful mess and immensely awkward as she discovered the guy lived in his office. Obviously she didn’t want to go on another date. This was an immensely awkward evening and a HUGE waste of both their time all because the guy was hiding an important fact about who he was.

Dont waste time on people who you don’t love, and especially don’t waste time on people who don’t love you. There will be plenty of both types of people.

If the people you want to be with tend to not love you (ie traditional Latter-day Saint men), then you need to become the kind of person they will love. And this can be done! You are not out of hope. You can become the kind of girl every Latter-day Saint man wants to be with.

you deserve someone who loves you.

Now you can’t know if he really loves YOU until you tell him the truth. It’s going to be hard now cause you have waited so long, buy you need to do it now before it gets harder.

Edited by Fether

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23 hours ago, Friend said:

I have anxiety about going to church, I always set my alarm and get clothes ready for church but on Sunday morning we never go. 

I think that unfortunately it will take me longer than that, but I am wanting to work towards it. 

 

This is what I hope will happen, but I don't know how likely it is

You just need to get up and go to church.  If you want there to be any chance at this relationship or a future relationship with an LDS man you just need to get over it.  I have anxiety about going to work, talking on the phone, going to public places, touching things in public, heights, etc, etc, etc..........  GET OVER IT.  It all comes down to priorities and what is important.  

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On 8/21/2019 at 3:32 PM, Fether said:

A quick story. My sister-in-law is on dating sites a lot. 

I had never been on a dating site before but I thought I had nothing to lose. 

 

On 8/21/2019 at 3:32 PM, Fether said:

 Dont waste time on people who you don’t love, and especially don’t waste time on people who don’t love you. There will be plenty of both types of people.

 

I love him and I'm sure he loves me because he asked me to marry him. 

 

On 8/21/2019 at 3:32 PM, Fether said:

Now you can’t know if he really loves YOU until you tell him the truth. It’s going to be hard now cause you have waited so long, buy you need to do it now before it gets harder.

 

On 8/20/2019 at 11:13 PM, Vort said:

Then you have the perfect segue to start the conversation: "You know, John, I didn't realize we would be getting close like this. I need to be upfront with you about some private matters that I didn't want to go into with just a casual friend. So, here are some things you should know about me and my life." [etc.]

I told him yesterday that I don't have a temple recommend and he said it was okay but he wanted to know why, but then I think he could tell I was uncomfortable so he said I don't have to tell him. He asked me if I want to get a temple recommend, I told him I do. But I don't think he expects me to tell him everything about me not going to church and my son. 

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21 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

You just need to get up and go to church.  If you want there to be any chance at this relationship or a future relationship with an LDS man you just need to get over it.  I have anxiety about going to work, talking on the phone, going to public places, touching things in public, heights, etc, etc, etc..........  GET OVER IT.  It all comes down to priorities and what is important.  

It isn't that easy as to just get over it 

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28 minutes ago, Friend said:

I told him yesterday that I don't have a temple recommend and he said it was okay but he wanted to know why, but then I think he could tell I was uncomfortable so he said I don't have to tell him. He asked me if I want to get a temple recommend, I told him I do. But I don't think he expects me to tell him everything about me not going to church and my son.

He may not expect it. That's not really the point, though. The point is that the sooner you are completely transparent and up-front with him, the better off you both will be.

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4 minutes ago, Vort said:

He may not expect it. That's not really the point, though. The point is that the sooner you are completely transparent and up-front with him, the better off you both will be.

Indeed.

The bottom line is that a couple looking to get married need to have several seriously honest discussions on a variety of topics.  Religious status and expectations is just one. 

Until you do.. you run the risk of serious and potentially relationship killing misunderstanding and assumptions.

Now having those discussions might kill the relationship anyways...  But in this case sooner that happens (if it is going to) the better.

 

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1 hour ago, Friend said:

he loves me because he asked me to marry him. 

No, he asked the fake you to marry him. There are some raging issues that he doesn’t know about and until he knows who you are then he can’t really love you.

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3 hours ago, Friend said:

I told him yesterday that I don't have a temple recommend and he said it was okay but he wanted to know why, but then I think he could tell I was uncomfortable so he said I don't have to tell him. He asked me if I want to get a temple recommend, I told him I do. But I don't think he expects me to tell him everything about me not going to church and my son. 

There is an idea in vulnerability studies of share, stop and check.  (I'm not sure if that's the right terms, but it's how I remember it)  When you are opening up with someone, it is good to share a little, then stop, see if you are ok with what you shared.  Check with the person about how they feel, what they think.  When you're both good, you can share more.

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On 8/19/2019 at 3:36 PM, Friend said:

I became a member when I was 11 and I was the only member in my family, I've always been in and out of going to church. When I went to college I attended church regularly but I still wasn't really keen and I started to date someone I met at church and I fell pregnant with my son, we got married and within 18 months we were divorced. I never went back to church, last October I met my fiance on a dating app for LDS, I wasn't really honest with him about my inactivity in the church because I was worried he wouldn't want to be with me. I misled him into thinking I had a temple recommend, I feel really bad about it and I want to marry him. Some of my friends say he will still want to marry me now and when I am ready to be married in the temple we can do that then, but they aren't members and I don't think they understand. If you were engaged and thought you were going to be married in the temple would you be willing to be married and later be married at the temple? Also, I don't go to church at the moment but I would like to go again and I want to marry my fiance in the temple but it's not been a good time for me to go to church. What do you think I should do? And, I kind of fabricated that my son was conceived before I was married, I just didn't want him to judge me. Do you think I have to tell him? 

I am glad to see that you are following this thread.

My 2 cents for what they are worth. You need to be honest. I agree that you don't want to spill your guts to a total stranger and you shouldn't your private matters are just that private. But when things like marriage or long term relationships start to get discussed you need to open up a little so the guy knows what he is getting into.

You said you meet on a dating app?  Have you dated in person?

21 hours ago, Friend said:

It isn't that easy as to just get over it 

The whole anxiety thing.....yeah get over it. It comes down to what's important to you. Take a valium if you need to but if you ever expect this relationship to progress you need to get to church.

Edited by omegaseamaster75

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On 8/22/2019 at 11:45 AM, Friend said:

It isn't that easy as to just get over it 

Agree, that doesn't negate the fact that this is what you must do.  Life is difficult.  We do hard things and we are successful, we experience growth and joy.  If those are the things you want, then you must do the hard things.  

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