How can I get my wife to expect less from me?


Recommended Posts

22 hours ago, anatess2 said:

Okay.  So tell her you're going to drop the baby off at her mother's after work on Tuesday so you and her can go spend time together.  Then tell her you're going to take care of the baby on Wednesday so she can go see her friends and have time on her own.  Then tell her you're going to see your friends and have time on your own on Thursday.  Then come back and tell us what she says.

If I had a job that ended at a reasonable time this would be a good option :) I usually get home from work at 22:30 and I just want rest but my wife wants all my attention, she wouldn't even want to go out with her friends if I offered she just wants to spend time with me. On Thursdays I am allowed to see my mom and siblings so that's the time I get. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Junior said:

If I had a job that ended at a reasonable time this would be a good option :) I usually get home from work at 22:30 and I just want rest but my wife wants all my attention, she wouldn't even want to go out with her friends if I offered she just wants to spend time with me. On Thursdays I am allowed to see my mom and siblings so that's the time I get. 

Well, it seems like you need to spend more time with your wife and forget about your friends.  Your wife is in the same boat if you don't get home before 22:30, that means she's caring for the child all day long and doesn't have time with you.  She's right.  Stop wishing for a single life.  You're married now.  With a kid to pay attention to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Well, it seems like you need to spend more time with your wife and forget about your friends.  Your wife is in the same boat if you don't get home before 22:30, that means she's caring for the child all day long and doesn't have time with you.  She's right.  Stop wishing for a single life.  You're married now.  With a kid to pay attention to.

It isn't that I don't want to spend time with her, but after I have worked all day I just need to rest. But she wants all my attention even if we are watching TV and I look at my phone she gets mad at me and if she is talking to me and I look at my phone she gets mad at me. When I am tired and she talks to me I zone out and when she realises she gets upset and I just need her to be more understanding. Also, I will just try to have some small time to read scriptures she doesn't like it that I ignore her and the baby, so that's why I was asking some way I can include her

Link to comment
Share on other sites

45 minutes ago, Junior said:

she wouldn't even want to go out with her friends if I offered she just wants to spend time with me.

Oh, my goodness.  Junior, you've got to get yourself out of there!  How terrible for you!

Most of us get married so we DON'T have to spend so much time with our eternal companions.  How controlling can she be than to want to spend so much time with you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, Mores said:

Oh, my goodness.  Junior, you've got to get yourself out of there!  How terrible for you!

 

Sometimes I think about it so I can go back to having time to myself but after a couple of days I think I will miss them. And it wouldn't be right to leave my wife alone with the baby 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Junior said:

I finish work every day at 9/10 pm, usually by the time I am home the baby is settled, I would like to have 2 nights where I come home and just go do my own thing in the house, like read or play video games etc. My wife won't let me do that she wants me to spend time with her. I do want to spend time with my wife too and more time with my baby, but the only day I finish early is Thursday but I go see my mom and siblings. Do you think it is fair that after I get home from work at 22:30 I can't just relax ? I appreciate she is bored and lonely but what can I do ? 

So yet again you come asking for advice here and then refuse to take it

I think it is absolutely fair that you work until 22:30 and then you can't just relax... Because your definition of relax is to abandon your wife and child (Even if for just a short time).  And your wife is in exactly the same boat and you are because of your schedule. 

Either learn to relax and enjoy yourself in the companionship of your wife.  Or be miserable until your misery destroys your  marriage leading you finding that attempting to be a single parent is so much worse.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

37 minutes ago, Junior said:

Sometimes I think about it so I can go back to having time to myself but after a couple of days I think I will miss them. And it wouldn't be right to leave my wife alone with the baby 

Yup.  That's how to keep the marriage solid.

Edited by Mores
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Junior said:

It isn't that I don't want to spend time with her, but after I have worked all day I just need to rest. But she wants all my attention even if we are watching TV and I look at my phone she gets mad at me and if she is talking to me and I look at my phone she gets mad at me. When I am tired and she talks to me I zone out and when she realises she gets upset and I just need her to be more understanding. Also, I will just try to have some small time to read scriptures she doesn't like it that I ignore her and the baby, so that's why I was asking some way I can include her

Dude, your wife has worked all day too.  She needs to rest too.  And rest for her means spending a relaxing time with you.  What are you doing on your phone instead of being with your wife???  Stop ignoring your wife and child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Junior said:

Sometimes I think about it so I can go back to having time to myself but after a couple of days I think I will miss them. And it wouldn't be right to leave my wife alone with the baby 

He was being sarcastic and patronizing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Junior said:

If I had a job that ended at a reasonable time this would be a good option :) I usually get home from work at 22:30 and I just want rest but my wife wants all my attention, she wouldn't even want to go out with her friends if I offered she just wants to spend time with me. On Thursdays I am allowed to see my mom and siblings so that's the time I get. 

Here is some insight and advice.

you are married now so your family is most important. Because you work so much, you need to be spending all your time with them to help build the family you and God need. Life is only going to get more crazy. 

From what I remember from past posts by you, you were somewhat forced into the marriage due to getting her pregnant. Am I right? 

Sin has consequences and in your situation, big consequences. When I had sex for the first time, it was with someone I loved and with and I married, we decided that we were ready to have kids so we did and dedicate the needed time for them. I say this not to make you feel bad or shame you, but to you explain to you that because of sins, you are now in a situation all parties find undesirable. But it is time to grow up, switch from diapers to pull-ups, and be there for your family.

Your child May or may not be able to notice your absence yet, but it will be disastrous when your child knows that they can’t go to daddy for help cause he is always tired and wishing he were elsewhere. I’m sure your situation is hard and that you are exhausted, but it doesn’t matter how tired and stressed you are. If you are not present for your family, they will be raised and taught by someone other than you.

Her actions and the way she treats you is not the problem, it’s only the symptom of the problem, which is unmet needs she has.

Now some advice about your current situation. You need to tell her how tired and stressed you are. If the advice doesn’t work, move to the next step 

1) I would say something like “honey, I am tired and exhausted and I crave social interaction. But I know I need to be here for you. Can you help me meet both of our needs?”

2) read “his needs her needs” (https://www.audible.com/pd/His-Needs-Her-Needs-Audiobook/B00ECER260) (I would do this even if step one works)

3) counseling / therapy 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

32 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Dude, your wife has worked all day too.  She needs to rest too.  And rest for her means spending a relaxing time with you.  What are you doing on your phone instead of being with your wife???  Stop ignoring your wife and child.

Just if I want to reply to friends of mine who message me and I like to look on instsgram and play games on my phone it's how I relax. I am still spending time with her but I just look at my phone occasionally, but I do try not to because I know it upsets her. I don't ignore my daughter I only get to see her in the morning for a couple of hours and most of Sunday but I care for her then

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Junior said:

Just if I want to reply to friends of mine who message me and I like to look on instsgram and play games on my phone it's how I relax. I am still spending time with her but I just look at my phone occasionally, but I do try not to because I know it upsets her. I don't ignore my daughter I only get to see her in the morning for a couple of hours and most of Sunday but I care for her then

Coming from someone who loves video games and is constantly checking this website, you are not really spending time with someone just cause you are sitting next to them. She wants your attention, not your physical presence.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Fether said:

From what I remember from past posts by you, you were somewhat forced into the marriage due to getting her pregnant. Am I right? 

 

No I wasn't forced to I just wanted to because after seeing her in lots of pain and when she was sick I realised that I love her and I wanted to marry her. 

 

14 minutes ago, Fether said:

Your child May or may not be able to notice your absence yet, but it will be disastrous when your child knows that they can’t go to daddy for help cause he is always tired and wishing he were elsewhere. I’m sure your situation is hard and that you are exhausted, but it doesn’t matter how tired and stressed you are. If you are not present for your family, they will be raised and taught by someone other than you.

 

I hope really really soon I won't have to work so many hours and late hours. It is a priority for me to be with my family more. 

 

15 minutes ago, Fether said:

 Her actions and the way she treats you is not the problem, it’s only the symptom of the problem, which is unmet needs she has.

 

I know she has unmet needs but I can't be expected to meet all of our financial needs and all of her emotional needs. I think her friends and family can help here with that 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Junior said:

I know she has unmet needs but I can't be expected to meet all of our financial needs and all of her emotional needs. I think her friends and family can help here with that 

Actually, that's YOUR job.  

You are married and a father.  Yes, that means from the moment you wake up till the moment you go to sleep, you are "on the clock".  No punting your duties. 

Edited by Jane_Doe
Link to comment
Share on other sites

33 minutes ago, Junior said:

 

I know she has unmet needs but I can't be expected to meet all of our financial needs and all of her emotional needs. I think her friends and family can help here with that 

The concept of what you're saying makes sense, but the way you are saying it doesn't show you in a good light.  You married your wife.  You became one.  You're a team.  You need to communicate and compromise. If you can't do that yourselves, you need to find someone to facilitate it.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Maybe it bucks the trend of the other responses, but I will offer this. Without knowing exactly how much alone time you really have or how much more "me" time you want, I would venture to say that dads (and moms, too) all deserve a reasonable amount of "me" time. What constitutes a reasonable amount depends on the person and the family, and I don't think we on this side of the internet have any way of knowing exactly what that looks like for you (that's probably where a neutral 3rd party counselor could really help). It seems clear to me from this thread that you need (or at least think you need) more "me" time than you are currently getting.

One of the things I learned from Dr. Harley's His Needs Her Needs (mentioned earlier in the thread) is that if meeting your wife's needs causes you pain or causes you to sacrifice your important needs, you will eventually develop some kind of aversion or resentment towards meeting her needs. Do you like country music? Pull up "Too Cold at Home" by Mark Chestnut, and think about what it must be like to not want to go home. I expect it doesn't take a lot of searching to find men (and women) who will hang out at the bar, the golf course, take on extra work, etc. all so they can avoid going home. IMO, we don't want to become that guy who avoids going home because his wife won't let him have a little "me" time.

We are only hearing your side of the story, and even then it is a very incomplete picture of what's going on. It sounds like you might as a family just be in a difficult time of life, where you have extra demands at work/school which limits the time you have for everything else and you need to balance that limited time/energy between yourself, your wife, and your family, and that gets to be difficult. I think a good marriage has to find a workable balance between Work's (both Dad's and Mom's) time, Dad's time, Mom's time, couple's time, and family time somewhere within the constraints of the limited time that we are given. It appears to me that you are in the midst of discovering just how hard that can be. I wish I had a concrete answer for you, but I don't. Maybe some intense and careful introspection -- how much of what types of personal time do you really need (and how much of what you want can you really do without)? Where are the work and other outside demands on your time coming from and can you change them (say no to a project at work or delegate more to coworkers)? Anything else that your introspection leads you to consider? Your wife probably needs a similar exercise. Then come together (I can still see value in having a neutral 3rd party present for some of these conversations) and figure out what you can do as a family to balance everyone's needs.

I really wish I had more to offer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
1 hour ago, dprh said:

Have you tried playing a video game together?  Try and find one you both enjoy.

Great idea. There are some wonderful games that both of you can enjoy together. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Junior said:

If I had a job that ended at a reasonable time this would be a good option :) I usually get home from work at 22:30 and I just want rest but my wife wants all my attention, she wouldn't even want to go out with her friends if I offered she just wants to spend time with me. On Thursdays I am allowed to see my mom and siblings so that's the time I get. 

What time do you *start* work? (How many hours per day are you working, versus home?)

If you’re working 8 AM to 10 PM - that’s a rough schedule, bro; and I hope you have a long-term plan to get out from under that.

If you’re doing 8 hour workdays and home most of the rest of the time - I think it’s normal to want maybe 30 minutes to an hour of primarily “me” time per day (certainly that would include scripture study), and reasonable to ask a spouse to accommodate that (with maybe very occasional additions for additional hobbies/friends/other activities). 

But that “me” time might be in early mornings before she’s awake, or some such thing.  You’re going to have to be willing to stretch some to make it work.

When we marry, we become primarily “family men”; and our identities and interests and pastimes will necessarily morph in that direction.  It has ever been thus.

With that said—based on some of your earlier posts, your wife does seem extraordinarily . . . interested in facets of your life that don’t necessarily concern her as much as she seems to think they do. I stand by my earlier suggestion that some of what you’ve written raises domestic violence-type red flags.  But as I said, it’s your call what you do with that info.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

If you’re working 8 AM to 10 PM - that’s a rough schedule, bro; and I hope you have a long-term plan to get out from under that.

 

basically I work 8-22 Monday-Wed Fri--Sat and Thursday I finish 19. On Thursday I still get home at 22:30 because it's time for me to spend with my mom and siblings. Yeah I have a plan, I'm working so many hours at the moment because I'm an apprentice and I need to get my USPTA Professional certificate so I can become a tennis coach. I have my junior one so I assist in teaching kids and I do sooo much club admin and I run the evening social sessions, but basically until I have the certificate I can't give private lessons so it's almost impossible for me to make enough money now. But soon I am going to get the certificate and then I will be able to choose my hours more. 

 

6 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

But that “me” time might be in early mornings before she’s awake, or some such thing.  You’re going to have to be willing to stretch some to make it work.

 

Yeah the thing is she doesn't like it if I go to bed early like before 00:30 because she wants to spend time with me, and then the baby wakes up at 5AM and then I have to care for her because my wife says I haven't seen her since yesterday morning. I can't get any me time 😥I do find caring for my daughter quite relaxing most mornings but it doesn't help with the exhaustion I feel .

 

6 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

 If you’re doing 8 hour workdays and home most of the rest of the time - I think it’s normal to want maybe 30 minutes to an hour of primarily “me” time per day (certainly that would include scripture study), and reasonable to ask a spouse to accommodate that (with maybe very occasional additions for additional hobbies/friends/other activities). 

 

I have 14 hour work days and I know it's not good that I leave  my wife and baby for so long but I can't afford to work less hours. and I think my wife should understand that I have to work all these hours and give me a break to be on my own and relax . Before the baby was born she always let me have time on my own, because she understood that's how I relax and it's not an insult to her I just like being on my own, but now she doesn't let me have time to myself 

Edited by Junior
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share