How can I get my wife to expect less from me?


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7 hours ago, Junior said:

basically I work 8-22 Monday-Wed Fri--Sat and Thursday I finish 19. On Thursday I still get home at 22:30 because it's time for me to spend with my mom and siblings. Yeah I have a plan, I'm working so many hours at the moment because I'm an apprentice and I need to get my USPTA Professional certificate so I can become a tennis coach. I have my junior one so I assist in teaching kids and I do sooo much club admin and I run the evening social sessions, but basically until I have the certificate I can't give private lessons so it's almost impossible for me to make enough money now. But soon I am going to get the certificate and then I will be able to choose my hours more. 

 

Yeah the thing is she doesn't like it if I go to bed early like before 00:30 because she wants to spend time with me, and then the baby wakes up at 5AM and then I have to care for her because my wife says I haven't seen her since yesterday morning. I can't get any me time 😥I do find caring for my daughter quite relaxing most mornings but it doesn't help with the exhaustion I feel .

 

I have 14 hour work days and I know it's not good that I leave  my wife and baby for so long but I can't afford to work less hours. and I think my wife should understand that I have to work all these hours and give me a break to be on my own and relax . Before the baby was born she always let me have time on my own, because she understood that's how I relax and it's not an insult to her I just like being on my own, but now she doesn't let me have time to myself 

So, my experience is that reading/studying (and yes, even video gaming) and caring for a non-mobile infant are not mutually exclusive.  The schedule overall does sound really tough, but it also sounds like that won’t be a permanent thing.  Similarly, your baby will eventually do better at sleeping through the night; which will make those early-morning hours even more productive for you.  

What does concern me a little, is your wife basically making it impossible for you to get more than five hours of sleep a day, while she herself is (presumably) getting, or at least has an opportunity to get, much more than that. That’s just not sustainable for any length of time, IMHO.

But, she apparently doesn’t want to change this (or several other facets of your marriage you find unsatisfactory).  There’s no silver-bullet verbiage you can use that will finally make her “get it”.  The fact is that you are both very young.  You’re not perfect, and neither is she; you’re both being kind of self-centered in your own ways.  Each of you will eventually grow out of it—or you won’t.  You’ll find a way to live with her demands, or she’ll quit making them, or you’ll start ignoring some of them and she’ll accept that . . . or your marriage will end.  Those are really the only four options here, long term.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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23 hours ago, Junior said:

Just if I want to reply to friends of mine who message me and I like to look on instsgram and play games on my phone it's how I relax. I am still spending time with her but I just look at my phone occasionally, but I do try not to because I know it upsets her. I don't ignore my daughter I only get to see her in the morning for a couple of hours and most of Sunday but I care for her then

I suggest you check all your phone messages in between the time you leave your job and the time you get home so that when you get home you don't need to look at your phone anymore. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 10/11/2019 at 3:53 PM, Just_A_Guy said:

What does concern me a little, is your wife basically making it impossible for you to get more than five hours of sleep a day, while she herself is (presumably) getting, or at least has an opportunity to get, much more than that. That’s just not sustainable for any length of time, IMHO.

 

Yeah she doesn't care if I have enough sleep, I don't think she gets much more though maybe a nap when the baby sleeps during the day. My wife took the baby to be with her cousin for a holiday and I have slept so much, seen my friends even watched rugby, but now I miss them and want them to come home. I can't win 😂

 

On 10/11/2019 at 3:53 PM, Just_A_Guy said:

You’ll find a way to live with her demands

I think that seems the most likely solution 😂

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