Roses

Unhappily Married an emotional financial mess

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I have been married for 7 years but I am thinking of leaving and I have been for a while now.My story is long and I am not sure I can cover everything so I will try and cover my main reasons for wanting to leave..When I met my husband I  was very naive I didn't think to as him about school or work until we were so close that we were talking marriage,he wasn't working but neither was I so I assumed its only because of a temporary reason,BEFORE he proposed he told me that he had very little formal schooling had no completed his high school studies as he struggled through school..I out of putty thought,maybe I can help him.
We got married in the first years of our marriage progress was evident I paid for his drivers license  he lost the money twice (long story)then got it on the 3rd try.
I applied for work for him he worked but couldn't keep a job,he is either complaining about management or that the money is too little.after a while we started becoming distant and when we seeked help from friends and family he told them I nagg too much..so I stopped and he went downhill..in the past 4 years he has maybe worked for 8months or so in 2 -4months job changes..we have 2 children together and it is getting very stressful for me to raise them by myself..I resent him so much and I think he does me too..I am always complaining about the things I expect him to do as a husband and a father.he makes no financial contribution and No effort to keep our romance alive..we barely talk when I talk to him he seems irritable or distant,most days I feel like he doesn't love me at all,like I am means to an end because I can put a roof over his head and put food on the table for us..I have said this to him before and I think he resents me for expressing myself the way that I do.i try to be patient and kind but some days i am just plain mad and don't care that it hurts him because I am hurting too..since we have been together he has had multiplied secret 'friendships that I found out about but he says no sexual relationships took place..I am so lonely and depressed..In 2019 I have been unemployed and I have 2 kids to raise and feed.my family has done alot to help But this is adding to my frustration because I feel I'm going through this alone..I am tired of carrying the financial load ,and being emotionally drained all the time..we are broke and distant I am not even sure why I am in this relationship..I've tried to speak to him and plead with him to get help,I've tried paying for his school but he sleeps all day and fails his subjects,I just feel so sad most days I can't even get out of bed.
I try to for my 4 and 2 year old boys ,but it gets really hard not only thinking about what I am going to feed my kids but also what he is going to eat I mean is This right?when am i going to be able to get the love and attention and finacial support that I need?I can't get myself to leave him,part of me feels sorry for him and another is afraid my kids will grow up fatherless like i did.

I just need some advise from a neutral person..I don't know what to do.

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Just_A_guy

I don't know how i feel..I am emotionally drained. I feel I have tried all there is to try.

But i have a huge fear of first,being alone and falling into the devil's many traps trying to get someone to love me like i need to be loved ,second raising my kids in a broken family.

I still don't know my father and once I started dating,I dated one person after another until I got married,I am afraid I am unlovable and that maybe I leave him and spend the rest of my life alone i am only 30..I know there has to be more than this..but I am scared and yes maybe I want to hear someone say they left and it solved all over their problems or maybe help me see the light to making it work if there is.

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2 hours ago, Roses said:

Just_A_guy

I don't know how i feel..I am emotionally drained. I feel I have tried all there is to try.

But i have a huge fear of first,being alone and falling into the devil's many traps trying to get someone to love me like i need to be loved ,second raising my kids in a broken family.

I still don't know my father and once I started dating,I dated one person after another until I got married,I am afraid I am unlovable and that maybe I leave him and spend the rest of my life alone i am only 30..I know there has to be more than this..but I am scared and yes maybe I want to hear someone say they left and it solved all over their problems or maybe help me see the light to making it work if there is.

A couple can married and still be a broken family.

You aren't remotely "unlovable".  But learning how to be a healthy relationship is a learned skill-- there's communication, sharing tasks, supporting each other, balancing different roles etc.  That's why I recommend counseling: to help you (both "you" singular and "you" collective) learn those skills.  There isn't a silver bullet to any of these things-- they take a lot of individual and collective work.  

 

 

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1 hour ago, pam said:

Yeah a quick karate or judo chop to the head might help.  :P  :P

WARNING: Long, boring post ahead.

Not that many years ago, when I was younger, somewhat stronger, and in much better physical shape, I did judo for a while. At that time I was in my 40s and already too old for a very rough sport like judo, but I had a lot of fun. We used to joke about the "judo chop". Judo is basically Japanese wrestling with chokes and joint locks worked in, so there's not a lot of hitting or chopping going on. (Actually, you will be thrown out of any judo tournament if you start hitting people.) The idea of a "judo chop" struck us as pretty funny.

As I studied about the history of judo, it became apparent that in the early period of judo—the late 19th century and into the early 20th century—judo at a high level did in fact incorporate strikes. Judo wa based on jujustu, which was a catch-all term encompassing close infighting techniques on the battlefield, mostly unarmed. (The Japanese word jujutsu means something like "gentle skill", where "gentle" is interpreted as "without weapons". The word judo more or less means "the gentle way," where "way" was understood as a metaphorical path someone would follow to gain peace, enlightenment, that sort of thing. Better living through battle training.)

Jigoro Kano, the founder of judo, took a somewhat scientific approach to studying martial arts (jujutsu). His goal was to find maximum efficiency in the techniques. At that time, jujutsu had a pretty bad reputation among most Japanese, who saw its practitioners as brawlers and low-lifes looking to fight. Kano had a different vision; he saw such martial techniques and training as a way to understand and organize one's battles in life (hence the "way" of judo). Anyway, Kano was put off by many of the highly artificial, complex techniques taught in many jujutsu schools, which he believed had little real application in a fight. In many cases, these techniques were silly and ineffective. Others were considered just "too dangerous" to practice in real life, because people would undoubtedly be hurt or killed by them. (This sort of nonsense remains very, very popular in martial arts, by the way. Any number of kung fu and karate schools will teach you their special variation of The Gift of Death®, but only after you've been warned that it's a super-deadly technique that no human has ever survived. 🙄) So Kano collected techniques that were both effective and non-lethal, which not coincidentally sounds a whole lot like wrestling. These techniques were what he taught to his students, and had them practice with each other, full-on, full-strength, full speed. So when Kano went to tournaments with other jujutsu practitioners, his students dominated everyone else, simply because they had actually practiced their techniques hundreds of times in actual competition.

Anyway, as Kano originally envisioned things, when judo practitioners were masters of their craft, he would begin teaching them striking techniques like punches and kicks, including dangerous things like eye gouges. So the much-derided "judo chop" was actually a thing early on in judo. Probably never called a "judo chop", but still, such things were there, at least at first.

(By the way, modern Olympic Judo is a pale shadow of original judo. It's impressive and entertaining to watch, but Japanese politics has greatly weakened the utility of the sport in a self-defense situation. In the 1960s, many men did "judo boxing", which was approximately what we know today as MMA, and it was extremely effective. But judo politics means that Olympic Judo has done away with technique after technique, most recently including the simple double-leg takedown. American wrestlers who went into judo, one in particular, were just too darn successful with that technique. The mindset of the almost-solely-Japanese decision-makers was that the technique was cheating, so it should be banned. I think it's kind of tragic. Oh, well, I guess we still have Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which would probably better be called Brazilian judo, and MMA to carry on the tradition. If that sort of thing is important to you.)

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The cold hard reality that you are facing is some mixture of the two following possibilities

1. Your husband is severely mentally ill
2. Your husband is an idiot.

This does not exclude the possibilities of your own short comings with communication or insecurities in relationships, etc.  But as far as your husband's behavior goes, my armchair psychology would peg those two issues. And I lean heavily toward the first. The things you describe about your husband sound like depression. He needs treatment. He needs therapy.

The first thing I would recommend is a serious discussion with him about whether he is willing to pursue mental health treatment.  Mental health treatment should be a condition of your willingness to continue the marriage. I'm serious about that. If he is diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication, consistent use of his medication should be a condition of your marriage.

Based on what you've described, you should have yourself checked out too.  Your struggles may be created by the stress and frustration of your marriage, or you may have something deeper going on.  But it sounds like you need help, too.  It sounds like your income is pretty low. Medicaid should be able to cover mental health care (it's a requirement under the ACA). 

Don't make a decision about the future of your marriage until both of you have had your mental health evaluated. Those are crucial elements to evaluating how you can make the marriage work.

One caveat: if at any time there is threat of violence, or ideation of violence, either he must go stay somewhere else, or you must leave. That's usually pretty extreme, but it isn't the kind of thing you wait around for.

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Marginoferror

I completely agree with you,I know that your right about me and I am trying to figure out whats wrong with him,and what if he is mentally I'll?does depression really do that?long term?I mean has he ever been well?and if not how do I know it can be fixed?also we are both unemployed and none of us are on medical aid,and we live in a country were public health service only caters for 'real emergencies'. .even when we had jobs ,medical costs here are very high...so I would appreciate any DIY remedies...and what if he is I'll?and do i leave? 

I don't know guys. I am mainly here because I need someone to talk to I guess.

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I'm sorry. I didn't realize you weren't in the U.S. (most participant here are). 

If you don't have access to mental health care, I don't really know what to tell you. Living with treated mental illness is hard. Living with untreated mental illness is ridiculously hard. 

In what I've witnessed in life, those who have chosen to stay married to someone with untreated mental illness are miserable. Those how have chosen to divorce someone with untreated mental illness are a few degrees less miserable. Those who remain married to someone with treated mental illness have the best chance at not being miserable (though they sometimes still are if there are other problems).

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Ok..I would be a horrible person to leave him and I would be miserable if i stay..wow my options are very desirable😔  Thanks for trying,I obviously don't want to leave him,atleast that's not my first choice,My kids adore him..and I don't know how to be single anymore,we have been together for 10years.

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Step 1)  Come to an honest decision about what you actually want

Step 2)  Pray to ask Heavenly Father if He will confirm approval of your decision

Step 3)  If you receive a confirmation and can be at peace with your decision laid out in Steps 1 or 4, proceed to Step 5

Step 4)  Come to an honest decision about what you think you should do

Step 5)  Proceed with steps necessary to act upon your decision

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3 hours ago, Roses said:

Marginoferror

I completely agree with you,I know that your right about me and I am trying to figure out whats wrong with him,and what if he is mentally I'll?does depression really do that?long term?I mean has he ever been well?and if not how do I know it can be fixed?also we are both unemployed and none of us are on medical aid,and we live in a country were public health service only caters for 'real emergencies'. .even when we had jobs ,medical costs here are very high...so I would appreciate any DIY remedies...and what if he is I'll?and do i leave? 

I don't know guys. I am mainly here because I need someone to talk to I guess.

I suffered from clinical depression from the age of 5 to 25.  And such long-term cases are not rare. 

Treatment made an entire world of difference for me. I wanted it, so I worked my tail off for years for it.  But not everyone is able and/or wiling to do so.   As to treatment itself: such is a loooooonnnng road and it is a MOUNTAIN to climb.  A couple of important things to remember:

- You alone can climb your mountain.  No one else.  YOU need to put in the work to get better, not friends, family, spouses, etc. There will be slip ups.  It will hurt.  But is is doable.  

- Having a mountain-climbing guide is very very helpful.  There are tons of DIY books out there, which can be helpful.  Having a professional counselor is like having your own in-person professional mountain climbing guide.   Your friend/family/spouse is not a professional guide and can give horrible advice even with the best intentions.

- Repeating point 1: you got to climb your own mountain.  Guides (books or in person) don't do it for you.

3 hours ago, Roses said:

Ok..I would be a horrible person to leave him and I would be miserable if i stay

No one said either of those things.

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Person0.

It's not that easy.

But thanks for your input..

I think Heavenly Father wants me to be happy and I want to be happy..my decision may like many have said on different topics "make it worse"? We have children together and I love him and I want it to work so what I was actually Hoping for was insight on how to make a difficult marriage work...I just need to hear other people's insight..I don't have many friends and those I have are superficial🙄so I am just hoping to see what complete strangers think i should do.THERAPY OR "HELP" are the most popular so far,but like i said it's not cheap where I come from and my financial situation is in a state with us solely surviving on my sisters help while i look for work..sooo yea it's not that simple.

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Jane_doe

Thank you..all of you ,thank you.

This is going to be a hard decision to make ,but I have to make it myself.

I am glad I put this here..I have a lot of thinking to do..this all so new and strange to me,but I will figure it out I guess...I will find the DIY books and see what help I can get from them.

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3 minutes ago, Roses said:

THERAPY OR "HELP" are the most popular so far,but like i said it's not cheap where I come from and my financial situation is in a state with us solely surviving on my sisters help while i look for work..sooo yea it's not that simple.

Not all of us are sold on "therapy" as a generally useful tool. And if you don't have insurance specifically covering such psychological therapy, I would guess it's pretty expensive anywhere.

I think what you need, what most people in the world need, is a set of friends who are, in order of importance, (1) loving, (2) adult, and (3) reasonably informed. If we could establish true emotional intimacy with such friends, I suspect most of these sorts of problems would dry up.

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@Vort right?

3 minutes ago, Vort said:

think what you need, what most people in the world need, is a set of friends who are, in order of importance, (1) loving, (2) adult, and (3) reasonably informed. If we could establish true emotional intimacy with such friends, I suspect most of these sorts of problems would dry up.

I completely agree with that..I mean I am obviously here because I don't have the friends described above or I would be speaking to them..not that you guys arent totally cool,because you are😂but yes intimate friendship,like I said earlier I guess I just need someone to talk to.

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@Vort and I am hoping for a solution that won't cost an arm and leg..but everyone here gave me some valuable food for thought hey..I have a list of issues myself and some of the advice will help me too..

I mean if i were emotionally well myself,I would've chosen a better spouse..I think🤔don't you think?

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