Openmind

Revelation that separates spouses

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My husband claims to have received revelation that a certain single sister is not only a special friend of his, but that she will likely be a wife of his in the eternities. I do know we formed friendships in the preexistence and that plural marriage may exist in the eternities. I have a hard time accepting that god would reveal to any man right now that he will be a participant in this. I am struggling with this because right now in the church it is not practiced, nor is it in the scriptures or other revelations that I have been looking up for some time now that it was ever commanded anytime on this earth other than to raise up posterity into the lord by righteous parents.

This goes against what my husband claims.  He says that he has no expectation that he and she will be married in his life but at the same time he dwells on it. He has downloaded ever picture from her facebook site, he added her to his contact list on his phone when there has been no logical reason to do so, and he writes about her in an encrypted file(even though we have always, before now, required each other to allow complete access to everything on each others phones). When I tell him he loves her he claims is completely pure and not physical towards this woman even though I feel he has given part of his heart to her(she is completely unaware of any of this).

I have tried to find the truth. I have fasted over and over and still feel awful.  This has separated us because I can't accept that god would reveal something that causes a husband who is supposed to be one with his wife and cleave unto her and none else, to then feel joy in the hope that he will get more after this life because of another woman. He has expressed that he has been feeling very down and hopeless with life and that he doesn't fit in with society or even other members of the church. This "revelation" he claims has restored his hope, to where he can face mortality longer. His hope doesn't come from the many blessings he already has: a wife, children, home, priesthood blessings, and many more. It only comes from the hope of being with her in the eternities.

Does anyone know anything that either supports that god would reveal something like this, or that he most definitely would not?

Edited by Openmind

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9 minutes ago, Openmind said:

My husband claims to have received revelation that a certain single sister is not only a special friend of his, but that she will likely be a wife of his in the eternities. Though I accept the idea that plural marriage may exist in the eternities, I have a hard time accepting that god would reveal that this is going to happen to my husband. I am struggling with this because right now in the church it is not practiced, nor is it in the scriptures or other revelations that I have been looking up for some time now that it was ever commanded anytime on this earth other than to raise up posterity into the lord by righteous parents.

This goes against what my husband claims.  He feels love that he claims is completely pure and not physical towards this woman even though I feel he has given part of his heart to her(she is completely unaware of any of this).

I have tried to find the truth. I have fasted over and over and still feel awful.  This has separated us because I can't accept that god would reveal something that causes a husband who is supposed to be one with his wife and cleave unto her and none else, to then feel joy in the hope that he will get more after this life. He has expressed that he has been feeling very down and hopeless with life and that he doesn't fit in with society or even other members of the church. This "revelation" he claims has restored his hope, to where he can face mortality longer.

Does anyone know anything that either supports that god would reveal something like this, or that he most definitely would not?

I can’t say that God would or wouldn’t reveal something like that to a man.  The fact that *any* man would go so far as to tell his wife that he had received such a revelation, however, makes me question a.) how did he think you’d take something like that?  b.) why would he tell you that?  What does he expect you to do about it in the here-and-now?  Does he expect it to be a valid excuse for behavior you might otherwise object to?  and c.) what made him think he might come out of such a conversation alive?

The sheer bone-headedness of saying something like that to one’s wife, combined with his statements about being down and isolated, makes me think there may be some mental health issues at play here.

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In answer to your questions:

A) He thought that since it was "revelation" I would accept it whole heartedly

B) He thinks that I should keep "tabs" on her(such as look her up periodically on facebook or become friends with her,  since she is only in our area for a short time)

C) I love him.

What I need to know is what do I do? Do I speak to the bishop about this? I am afraid he has been having an emotional affair with her(even if it is only in his mind). He admits to never talking to her about anything outside of callings/ministering/missionary work with her and because of my talking to her and knowing some about her I believe this part(and the fact that she doesn't even remember his name). If he has been having an emotional affair in his heart with her, however one sided, do I need to bring in priesthood authority to help him repent(even though right now he refuses to see a need to repent, as he is fully convinced it is the truth)?

Edited by Openmind

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When it comes to personal revelations it can be hard to judge... but the Lord has given us a standard... "By their fruits you shall know them."

The Fruits this revelation are bearing are questionable... Either the revelation is bad or his response to it is wrong. (Learning how to respond properly to revelation is also a test of ours)

While you can't challenge the revelation you can and should challenge every action that he takes that moves him away from honoring the covenants he made to you with complete fidelity.

Lusting after another woman is a sin... and if he is not there yet he is clearly headed that way.

 

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President Ezra Taft Benson, Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson shared:

Quote

Thoughts lead to acts, acts lead to habits, habits lead to character--and our character will determine our eternal destiny.

The path your husband appears to be going down now:

54 minutes ago, Openmind said:

1. he dwells on it. (thoughts)
2. He has downloaded ever picture from her facebook site (acts)
3. he added her to his contact list on his phone (acts)
4. he writes about her in an encrypted file (habits)
5. he has given part of his heart to her (character)

How has this supposed 'revelation' impacted you, as his only actual wife?

58 minutes ago, Openmind said:

1. I have a hard time accepting
2. I am struggling
3. I feel he has given part of his heart to her
4. I... still feel awful
5. This has separated us

Q: Do you, as his wife, believe that our Father in Heaven (knowing all) would provide your husband such a 'revelation' given what it is doing to your marriage now?
Q: Has the Spirit testified to you of the 'truthfulness' of said 'revelation'?
If not, why not? Moroni 10:5

Quote

 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may aknow the btruth of all things.

Why would our Father in Heaven give your husband a  revelation that would drive this wedge between you both? A wedge that is sending him down a path of actual action, that if followed even further very well could destroy your marriage? The feelings you described are not the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith

I agree with @Just_A_Guy, "makes me think there may be some mental health issues at play here."

 

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When I question his reaction he gets upset and says I don't trust him. I am trying to make him see I am only trying to help him keep his covenants. I want him to stay within the boundaries that we set together about appropriate thoughts and contact between married individuals and the opposite sex. I asked him to move pictures that are innocent enough(from baptisms, that have multiple people in them) to my phone and delete them from his over 5 times and when I pick up his rarely laid down phone, to do it myself, he looks at me accusingly.  

His reactions to my concern make me feel guilty as though I am misjudging him.

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What do I do to help him? I really do love him. I know that he has issues with depression but he feels that if he was to get help for it the shame would be too much for him. I have been trying for years to see there is no shame in getting help when we can't do it on our own.

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The other problem is he truly believes it is real.  That there is no reason to question it. That I just don't have enough faith to receive confirmation of its truth.

It has caused me to question whether I have enough faith or if I am hard hearted. That is why I have spent so much time looking in the scriptures and reading the teachings of this dispensation to increase my gospel knowledge and faith.  In addition to all the many days spent fasting and praying to know the truth.

What truth I have learned or increased upon from this:  heavenly father loves us all unconditionally. He wants us to choose the right. He wants us to return to live with him. He sent jesus christ to atone for my sins and everyone else's.  I love my husband dearly. I know we can be husband and wife eternally. I know he fully believes what he claims.

 

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The following is not an actual cure for clinical depression: stalking somebody and having an emotional affair. 

And that’s exactly what is happening.  Whether or not “Bob” will be married to “Sally” in the future, they are not today.  But Bob is becoming emotionally invested in Sally as if they were.  And all without her knowledge, let alone consent!    Future being whatever the future will be, Bob today needs three things:

1)      Repentance.  Desperately.  To cleave unto the woman that is his wife.  All contact with Sally needs to be immediately stopped 100%.   He needs to get back into actually living the Gospel.

2)      Proper medical treatment for his clinical depression.

3)      Counseling learn how to better love the woman who is his wife be there for his family.

OP: you have every right to be FUMING about Bob’s inexcusable sinful emotional affair and stalking.  And the “it’s revelation” card doesn’t make it right, it actually makes the sin a lot worse: *if* Bob and Sally are together in the future, they are not now, and Bob is twisting this claimed revelation to justify having appropriate relations with a woman whom is not his wife.

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32 minutes ago, Openmind said:

The other problem is he truly believes it is real.  That there is no reason to question it. That I just don't have enough faith to receive confirmation of its truth.

1) If the claimed revelation is an actual revelation, then again, him twisting it to justify his current emotional affair and stalking (both huge sins) makes the whole situation even worse.  

2) The "you just don't have enough faith" line he's giving you is gas-lighting 100%.   

42 minutes ago, Openmind said:

When I question his reaction he gets upset and says I don't trust him.

That's because he is having an emotional affair.  

42 minutes ago, Openmind said:

I asked him to move pictures that are innocent enough(from baptisms, that have multiple people in them) to my phone and delete them from his over 5 times and when I pick up his rarely laid down phone, to do it myself, he looks at me accusingly.  

His reactions to my concern make me feel guilty as though I am misjudging him.

Zero photos are not innocent because the way he is using them.  

You have EVERY right to be angry at his affair.   Do not to listen to his gas-lighting or the prideful excuses he gives justifyng the sin.

39 minutes ago, Openmind said:

What do I do to help him? I really do love him. I know that he has issues with depression but he feels that if he was to get help for it the shame would be too much for him. I have been trying for years to see there is no shame in getting help when we can't do it on our own.

He needs medical help.  

If he refuses to do so for pride.. that's a MAJOR red flag here.  One of many.  

Edited by Jane_Doe

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@Openmind, please do not take offense when I say that in my experience in life and on this forum, there are always at least two sides to any such story, and we are getting only one. I'm not saying that I disbelieve you, only that sad experience has made me cautious.

IF what you're saying is 100% correct (and note that that's a big IF, literally and figuratively), then it looks to me like your husband is going down a very dark and dangerous path. I appreciate that you love him, and perhaps he loves you—I certainly hope so. But even then, such a "revelation" is IMVHO nonsense. In any case, as JAG said, even if his purported revelation were real, only a fool would share such a revelation with his wife.

Bottom line: I don't believe it for a moment. I don't have any good advice for you except (1) don't believe it and (2) keep loving your husband. Well, and (3) pray to God for strength and wisdom to take your next steps. I would not discourage talking with your Relief Society president or bishop, whichever you feel comfortable with.

Edited by Vort

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I am surprised that I am not fuming. I am just very saddened, concerned, and yet hopeful that he will snap out if it. I want to know if I should go to our bishop or should I keep it silent?

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Just now, Openmind said:

I am surprised that I am not fuming. I am just very saddened, concerned, and yet hopeful that he will snap out if it. I want to know if I should go to our bishop or should I keep it silent?

Husband DESPERATELY needs repentance.  You'd be 100% justified going to the bishop.

 This YOUR marriage and you NEED help.   

Don't let him try to silence you.

 

Also: counseling just to strengthen yourself (you've done nothing sinful) is a good idea.

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I can tell "vort" that my husband would say I have violated his trust by even seeking help outside of our marriage(by posting my problem). He has already made it abundantly clear that I am not to speak of this to anyone, and I mean anyone. He doesn't even want to discuss it in our home because of the risk of our children hearing.

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1 minute ago, Openmind said:

I can tell "vort" that my husband would say I have violated his trust by even seeking help outside of our marriage(by posting my problem). He has already made it abundantly clear that I am not to speak of this to anyone, and I mean anyone. He doesn't even want to discuss it in our home because of the risk of our children hearing.

Openmind: he is abusing you and cheating on you.

Do you understand that? 

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Just now, Openmind said:

I do see it. I don't know if I should wait to have him see it before taking any action.

NO.

You do not wait.  You do not sit around while he continues to hurt you. 

And you don't continue sitting around which teaches your children that this behavior is ok and something to model after.  

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1 minute ago, Openmind said:

I thank you for your help and concern for me "jane_doe". God bless you.

"Concerned" doesn't quite cover how I'm feeling right now.

My heart is in deep mourning for you.  And for your children.  Blood pumping, wanting to help-- to have you feel true love.  The type that your Father in Heaven feels for you.  

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15 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Husband DESPERATELY needs repentance.  You'd be 100% justified going to the bishop.

 This YOUR marriage and you NEED help.   

Don't let him try to silence you.

Also: counseling just to strengthen yourself (you've done nothing sinful) is a good idea.

JD, your advice is increasingly specific and increasingly loud. Based on what the OP has written, I can understand your reaction. But consider: We do not know the whole story. I can't see how anything her husband might say would justify anything, but we haven't heard it.

You have no idea whether the OP has done anything sinful. You know only what she has told you. Having a knee-jerk reaction to condemn her no-good, filthy-minded husband doesn't really solve her problem, and encouraging her to react with anger and hatred won't help the state of her soul. Many of us have the same initial gut-level reaction, but that's not necessarily a good thing to parade as a solution. I think encouraging the OP to talk with a leader or counselor is much more constructive than calling her husband bad names.

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4 minutes ago, Vort said:

JD, your advice is increasingly specific and increasingly loud. Based on what the OP has written, I can understand your reaction. 

I get loud when a person is using a fake revelation to justify abuse and cheating.  Especially when this behavior is being modeled for kids. And yes: this is a fake "revelation", known by it's fruits.

4 minutes ago, Vort said:

You have no idea whether the OP has done anything sinful. You know only what she has told you. Having a knee-jerk reaction to condemn her no-good, filthy-minded husband doesn't really solve her problem, and encouraging her to react with anger and hatred won't help the state of her soul. Many of us have the same initial gut-level reaction, but that's not necessarily a good thing to parade as a solution. I think encouraging the OP to talk with a leader or counselor is much more constructive than calling her husband bad names.

Nothing her is supporting hate.

It's supporting action and safety (both for her and the kids).  

Edited by Jane_Doe

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1 hour ago, Openmind said:

When I question his reaction he gets upset and says I don't trust him. I am trying to make him see I am only trying to help him keep his covenants.

I am saying this to be on your side:.

The reality is that you don't trust him.  And you have every right to distrust him. 

He's carrying on an emotional affair with a strange woman.  And he is keeping his thoughts about her secret from you.

This is not the behavior of a trustworthy person.  So don't deny that you've got trust issues here.  Clearly state why you're so justified.

1 hour ago, Openmind said:

Iwant him to stay within the boundaries that we set together about appropriate thoughts and contact between married individuals and the opposite sex. I asked him to move pictures that are innocent enough(from baptisms, that have multiple people in them) to my phone and delete them from his over 5 times and when I pick up his rarely laid down phone, to do it myself, he looks at me accusingly.  

His reactions to my concern make me feel guilty as though I am misjudging him.

Nope you're not misjudging him.  This behavior is no different than being addicted to pornography.  How would you treat him and his phone if you knew he were addicted to pornography?

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The simple fact is the future actions and possibilities to not excuse.. The neglecting, abandonment, or violation of his current covenants.  That is not of the Lord, not Godly.

Seems to me that this is a good time for Family/Couple Scripture reading time.  Read Jacob 2  and the Spirit will hopefully start kicking his butt beginning at verse 22 

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Just now, Jane_Doe said:

I get loud when a person is using a fake revelation to justify abuse and cheating.  Especially when this behavior is being modeled for kids. 

Do you know this to be the case? Or do you know only that someone has claimed it to be so?

Just now, Jane_Doe said:

Nothing her is supporting hate.

Perhaps it's just my own interpretation, then. Things like the following strike me as encouraging anger and hatred:

50 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

OP: you have every right to be FUMING about Bob’s inexcusable sinful emotional affair and stalking.

Note the editorialization highlighted above. This is not cool rationality probing a situation. This is anger and lashing out.

(And please note: Something cannot simultaneously be an "emotional affair" and "stalking". The former suggests a two-way arrangement, while the latter implies one-way only.)

Just now, Jane_Doe said:

It's supporting action and safety (both for her and the kids).  

It's going well beyond that, JD.

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Honestly if this was pornography I would want him disconnected. No phone at all.  We have a home phone to be contacted through, he has a phone at work. Even though I couldn't stop his access to the internet at work I could here at home.

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