Darkness in well lit areas


Moonbeast32
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In a bit of a strange mood today. Going to unload some strange mood feelings.

I woke up today at 4 pm, showered, got dressed and read scriptures as usual. I figured that because the highway in Wyoming was clear today, that I would be working. About halfway through my dinner, I got called by my company telling me that work was cancelled for today. I wondered what I'd do all night.

I decided that I'd like to go watch a movie. Sure, it isn't the best use of time or money, but it is certainly better than sitting at home all night doing nothing, letting my mental health wither away. After the movie, I'd have to think of something else.

I finished diner and stepped outside to get into my car. It was dark by this time, and the full moon had begun to rise. I looked up to behold the singular view and angle my house affords of the Timpanogos mountain range. I stare a while at the mountain. Sharp triangular pieces of it's face were illuminated by the full moonlight, standing out from the dark profile of the whole mountain and giving it a depth and texture not seen during daylight.

I rarely get to see the mountain like this. Whenever I do, I am filled with a peculiar vitality and excitement for life. I experience what I have come to call a "spiritual resonance." Sometimes I wonder if certain imagery and lighting triggers within me a foggy recollection of events and places in the pre Earth life. Whatever it is, it's times like these that make me deeply regret not being a painter. These moments are so elusive and easily forgotten, it seems like a a terrible tragedy that they don't happen more often.

Well, clouds were coming in from the north soon, and the display would be obscured. I decided to move on. I had some time before going to the theater, so I went to Walmart to get some things. 

And so, I had a very opposite experience to the one before. Walmart is well lit. They have what I estimate to be hundreds of fluorescent bulbs in the celing, and isles advantageously positioned to receive the beam. The store is full of colors and pictures, each one placed there in confidence of research and psychology to determine the most appealing display possible. Soft but trendy music played in the speakers above. Though it was late, a sizeable population of customers meandered through the aisles. 

Despite all this, I felt overladen by a profound and oppressive darkness. I was now more aware than ever of the ecstasy from my experience an hour before, for it felt like everything in this wretched place was design to suppress it.

This wasn't a new feeling, I've felt it from time to time when I leave home and go someplace public. It makes me sick. It makes me feel hopeless. It makes me feel like the joy and excitement I sometimes feel about life was just part of a dream, and now I've awoken to the "real" life. It's just not fair.

People of third hour, if you've ever felt this way, how do you deal with it? Do you ever feel like abiding in thick darkness is th norm, while glimpses of pure joy only happen 1% of the time? It just doesn't seem fair to me.

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Have you II been stagnate in the gospel? Been going through the motions? I find that the light of Christ is not so much in good things,  but in progression towards being Christlike.

If you don’t fuel the fire, it starts to get darker and darker until you are only placing twigs on hit embers.

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