I am a widower planning on marrying again in the temple but my kids aren't accepting of it. Please give me some advice


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22 minutes ago, LewisC said:

I really do believe that the objections regarding me being sealed to another woman are genuine from both my children. Especially, from my 14 year old daughter because she is an active member and I think this has caused confusion for her. If my children are coming to me with these concerns then I trust that they are sincere. The possibility that they are using these issues as subterfuge for other reasons has occurred to me, but I must address the issues they are expressing first. 

If you can offer me any advice on doing this then I would be very grateful. 

Lewis, hwo do you children feel about having a step-mom (to whatever extent that will be)?

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42 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Lewis, hwo do you children feel about having a step-mom (to whatever extent that will be)?

My daughters have both expressed some nervousness around having another person live with us and how it will change the family dynamic we have now, they are both anxious in general which they get from their mom. Although, when they spend time with my fiancee they get on well. My 18 year old son he hates the idea of me marrying another woman and that is something I can't see ever changing. He has never spoken to my fiancee even when they have rarely crossed paths and he has said horrible things about her to me. I would say it is him who I could lose if I marry my fiancee. My 19 year old son has met my fiancee but for most of our relationship he has been on his mission, however he seems the most open to me marrying again, all be it not entirely comfortable. 

 

In my opinion they will never be entirely comfortable with it. I love my fiancee but I have moments where I feel guilty or confused, so it isn't a surprise to me that 3 of my children have mixed emotions. My 18 year old is just angry about the entire situation. 

Edited by LewisC
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Guest LiterateParakeet

Lewis, I don't have any advice.  It sounds like a tough situation all around.  Personal revelation is your best bet.  Hang in there.  

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The closest thing I can give to advice, is to guess at what I'd hope to do if I were ever in that situation. (Which I'll never be, since my kids are almost grown.)

If I were a single dad of minor children, I might date, but I hope I wouldn't get remarried unless the kids all loved her so much they begged me to marry her so they could have her too.

(That's what I'd hope to do, I have no clue what I'd actually do.  I'm not in that situation, and I'm not casting judgment against you.)

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On 3/7/2020 at 8:04 PM, Fether said:

Tell your kids what your kids should tell you if you don’t approve the their marriage.

”too bad so sad”

Bad advice, minor children are involved. OP don't be selfish raise your kids and then get married. Wasn't losing their mother hard enough on them? Take a step back and think about whats best for them. The youngest will be out of the house before you know it and you still have plenty of time to get married. 

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21 hours ago, LewisC said:

My daughters have both expressed some nervousness around having another person live with us and how it will change the family dynamic we have now, they are both anxious in general which they get from their mom. Although, when they spend time with my fiancee they get on well. My 18 year old son he hates the idea of me marrying another woman and that is something I can't see ever changing. He has never spoken to my fiancee even when they have rarely crossed paths and he has said horrible things about her to me. I would say it is him who I could lose if I marry my fiancee. My 19 year old son has met my fiancee but for most of our relationship he has been on his mission, however he seems the most open to me marrying again, all be it not entirely comfortable. 

 

In my opinion they will never be entirely comfortable with it. I love my fiancee but I have moments where I feel guilty or confused, so it isn't a surprise to me that 3 of my children have mixed emotions. My 18 year old is just angry about the entire situation. 

My advice which i stated just moments ago is to wait. You have Minor children get them raised and then get married. Maybe your son will come around by then maybe not. At any rate he can't make the argument that it is negatively affecting his siblings.Be patient and think about the long term consequences of alienating your children. Once they are adults do what you want but if you ever want to see and visit grand kids or be invited to family events pump the brakes.

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37 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

My advice which i stated just moments ago is to wait. You have Minor children get them raised and then get married. Maybe your son will come around by then maybe not. At any rate he can't make the argument that it is negatively affecting his siblings.Be patient and think about the long term consequences of alienating your children. Once they are adults do what you want but if you ever want to see and visit grand kids or be invited to family events pump the brakes.

I think by the time I wait for all my children to leave home I would have been alone for 11 years. I will also be over 50 by then and I know my fiancée won't be willing to wait for 7 more years to marry me. However, I agree with you that losing their mom has been hard for them and perhaps 4 years hasn't been long enough for them to heal. And you are right I already lost my wife I don't want to lose what I have left of her which is only our children. Having said that it will hurt me to lose my fiancée too. 

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17 hours ago, LewisC said:

I think by the time I wait for all my children to leave home I would have been alone for 11 years. I will also be over 50 by then and I know my fiancée won't be willing to wait for 7 more years to marry me. However, I agree with you that losing their mom has been hard for them and perhaps 4 years hasn't been long enough for them to heal. And you are right I already lost my wife I don't want to lose what I have left of her which is only our children. Having said that it will hurt me to lose my fiancée too. 

I know this is difficult, especially for men.  And it is always a monumental struggle to stop looking towards the shiny future, leaving the present in shambles.  But actions have consequences.  The ashes of the past and present will mar your shiny future if it is not dealt with.  So, my 2 cents worth prefers the idea of not making new eternal covenants when the current eternal covenant is in shambles under your watch.  This, in my opinion, will make it so the future covenant will not follow the same path of the past with important lessons left unlearned.

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17 hours ago, LewisC said:

I think by the time I wait for all my children to leave home I would have been alone for 11 years. I will also be over 50 by then and I know my fiancée won't be willing to wait for 7 more years to marry me. However, I agree with you that losing their mom has been hard for them and perhaps 4 years hasn't been long enough for them to heal. And you are right I already lost my wife I don't want to lose what I have left of her which is only our children. Having said that it will hurt me to lose my fiancée too. 

So, you are important.  Your wants/desires/needs are important.  But you're not the only one who is important.  You have minor children who need you to consider what's best for them too.  

Here, let's make a list:

What you think about you:
--------------------------------------------
- by the time I wait for all my children to leave home I would have been alone for 11 years.
- I will also be over 50 by then and I know my fiancée won't be willing to wait for 7 more years to marry me.
- I already lost my wife I don't want to lose what I have left of her which is only our children.
- Having said that it will hurt me to lose my fiancée too. 

 

What you think about your children:
----------------------------------------
- losing their mom has been hard for them and perhaps 4 years hasn't been long enough for them to heal.

 

 

Maybe flush out that 2nd list a little more.  What decisions can you make, and how will it impact them?  What's best and worst for them?

Edited by NeuroTypical
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8 hours ago, anatess2 said:

 So, my 2 cents worth prefers the idea of not making new eternal covenants when the current eternal covenant is in shambles under your watch.  This, in my opinion, will make it so the future covenant will not follow the same path of the past with important lessons left unlearned.

I believe that the only error I made was to allow my son to live with his grandma when he was 14. At the time I understood that for him being in the home with all its memories was hurting him and we were not having a good relationship because of that so I let him leave which I regret because even though our relationship is less toxic now we are very distant. However, I don't think I have made any other big mistakes, all parents make mistakes. 

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8 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

So, you are important.  Your wants/desires/needs are important.  But you're not the only one who is important.  You have minor children who need you to consider what's best for them too.  

 

So you would put my fiancee last at my list of considerations. Of course I put my children first but there is only so much companionship with them. It can be very lonely for me caring for them on my own and trying to do everything for them, that is the main reason I wanted to get married again. 

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Thank you again for the advice I feel very blessed. 

I suppose the final question I have is how can I connect to my 18 year old son? As I mentioned he is living apart from me and he is an adult now who is thinking of getting married soon. He really doesn't share any of his life with me. Honestly, I think if he didn't want a relationship with his siblings I would never see him. I don't know any way to connect with him. If you have any adult children just tell me how you interact with them? 

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42 minutes ago, LewisC said:

how can I connect to my 18 year old son? As I mentioned he is living apart from me and he is an adult now

Legally and perhaps physically, he's an adult. Emotionally, not so much. Spiritually, not.

It's good to recognize and defer to your children's agency. It's also good to recognize and defer to their adulthood. But you're the father, and as such, you have patriarchal responsibility toward your son. Don't be overly put off by his legal adult status. Sometimes even adult children need to be told, lovingly and kindly, which end is up.

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21 hours ago, LewisC said:

I believe that the only error I made was to allow my son to live with his grandma when he was 14. At the time I understood that for him being in the home with all its memories was hurting him and we were not having a good relationship because of that so I let him leave which I regret because even though our relationship is less toxic now we are very distant. However, I don't think I have made any other big mistakes, all parents make mistakes. 

It's not about making mistakes.  Your wife died.  No mistake caused that to happen.  Life is about acting and being acted upon.  Your family was acted upon.  You needed to get through it together.  Your kids needed you.  You were grieving.  These things happen and before we know it things are spinning out of our control before we even realize it so we can do something about it.  You need to step up now and right that ship that you weren't able to do before.  This is not yet the time to assure your happiness.  This is the time to assure that your children is on the path to happiness.  They are still under your watch.  If it takes all of the 11 years for them to get there, then it takes 11 years.  I hope and pray the ship is righted long before then and your children can enjoy the blessings of a step mother and you a companion.

Edited by anatess2
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And this is actually my final question. I spoke with my daughters today and they are coming home with me tomorrow. However, my 14 year old asked me will I make her go to church when she comes home. I told her we can discuss it, but I am not sure. Is it counterproductive to force a child to go to church? Will they just end up resenting church and disliking me? I think lots of parents have been through this situation.

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31 minutes ago, LewisC said:

Thank you for your response. How do you think a parent can make their children come to church with them?

Leather thongs have worked well for me.

Seriously, though, I'm not sure what you're asking. How do you make a child do anything? You simply say, "We're doing this here thing," and then you do it. It's time to go to Church, so you get everyone dressed and go.

If your 14-year-old utterly refuses to attend Church, then of course you have a problem. She's not a toddler that you can pick up and carry with you. But as a parent, you have lots of options, both sticks and carrots. In general, when a child refuses to abide by the rules of the house (i.e. the parents), then the child loses privileges. When a child is obedient, then the child gains privileges. Pretty much Parenting 101.

Edited by Vort
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3 minutes ago, Vort said:

Leather thongs have worked well for me.

Seriously, though, I'm not sure what you're asking. How do you make a child to anything? You simply say, "We're doing this here thing," and then you do it. It's time to go to Church, so you get everyone dressed and go.

If your 14-year-old utterly refuses to attend Church, then of course you have a problem. She's not a toddler that you can pick up and carry with you. But as a parent, you have lots of options, both sticks and carrots. In general, when a child refuses to abide by the rules of the house (i.e. the parents), then the child loses privileges. When a child is obedient, then the child gains privileges. Pretty much Parenting 101.

In addition to Vort’s excellent Father response here, I, as a Mother, would go and figure out the Why of things so I can correct it.  A child I raised from infanthood in the traditions of church-going doesn’t just turn 14 and decide, “I’m done with that tradition and you can’t make me!” without a reason.  With my kids, I can see the way they walk as I pick them up from school that something happened from the time I dropped them off to the time I picked them up.  So usually, they get in the car, I give them the inquring eyebrow and out comes the story so it’s not as challenging to guide them to the proper way to handle the crisis.

I don’t know how it was with your kids and their mother and how it was in the 4 years after she was gone and how it has shaped your children.  You’re going to have to push up your sleeves and do some detective work.  I say talk to grandma...

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31 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

In addition to Vort’s excellent Father response here, I, as a Mother, would go and figure out the Why of things so I can correct it.  A child I raised from infanthood in the traditions of church-going doesn’t just turn 14 and decide, “I’m done with that tradition and you can’t make me!” without a reason.  With my kids, I can see the way they walk as I pick them up from school that something happened from the time I dropped them off to the time I picked them up.  So usually, they get in the car, I give them the inquring eyebrow and out comes the story so it’s not as challenging to guide them to the proper way to handle the crisis.

 I don’t know how it was with your kids and their mother and how it was in the 4 years after she was gone and how it has shaped your children.  You’re going to have to push up your sleeves and do some detective work.  I say talk to grandma...

I know the reason why my daughter doesn't want to attend church it is because she lost her testimony as she can't reason the discrepancy of being able to be sealed to more than one person. 

In question to your previous response, are you suggesting that I break up with my fiancee and don't have a relationship with her at all? 

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1 hour ago, Vort said:

If your 14-year-old utterly refuses to attend Church, then of course you have a problem. She's not a toddler that you can pick up and carry with you. But as a parent, you have lots of options, both sticks and carrots. In general, when a child refuses to abide by the rules of the house (i.e. the parents), then the child loses privileges. When a child is obedient, then the child gains privileges. Pretty much Parenting 101.

I don't mean to sound silly here but what kind of privileges? I don't believe my children have many privileges, I don't let them go out alone with friends, I don't give them money every week, I can't think of any privilege to take away from them

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2 minutes ago, LewisC said:

I know the reason why my daughter doesn't want to attend church it is because she lost her testimony as she can't reason the discrepancy of being able to be sealed to more than one person. 

That’s too easy a conundrum to cause such an action.  I doubt that’s all there is to it.
 

2 minutes ago, LewisC said:

In question to your previous response, are you suggesting that I break up with my fiancee and don't have a relationship with her at all? 

No.  I’m saying when it comes to a conflict between your interest and your child’s interest, your child comes first.  Always.  It’s the same decision-making when your child was born and you had to choose between sleep and comforting your wailing child in the middle of the night.  Nobody is saying don’t sleep at all.  But you don’t sleep until you’ve assured your child’s needs are met.

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1 minute ago, LewisC said:

I don't mean to sound silly here but what kind of privileges? I don't believe my children have many privileges, I don't let them go out alone with friends, I don't give them money every week, I can't think of any privilege to take away from them

Oh, there’s tons of privileges.  I was in 1st grade when I went to bed without dinner because I brought home a 0/10 test score.  My dad is your quintessential Asian parent and growing up in the Philippines we didn’t have First World privileges... I never brought home a failing grade in my whole life after that.  I love my dad.  Of course, I’m not saying to do what my Dad did.  I’m just saying... kids, even in the Third World have privileges.  The exercise is about a parent finding creative methods to instill discipline on his children.

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