I am a widower planning on marrying again in the temple but my kids aren't accepting of it. Please give me some advice

[LewisC]

21 hours ago, anatess2 said:

Oh, there’s tons of privileges.  I was in 1st grade when I went to bed without dinner because I brought home a 0/10 test score.  My dad is your quintessential Asian parent and growing up in the Philippines we didn’t have First World privileges... I never brought home a failing grade in my whole life after that.  I love my dad.  Of course, I’m not saying to do what my Dad did.  I’m just saying... kids, even in the Third World have privileges.  The exercise is about a parent finding creative methods to instill discipline on his children.

My wife was from the Philippines but she emigrated to the USA with her parents when she was a teenager and I served my mission there, a very special place for me. Actually, I would love to one day take my children there. 

I am going to try to find that balance where I can discipline when I need to. 

[LewisC]

22 hours ago, anatess2 said:

That’s too easy a conundrum to cause such an action.  I doubt that’s all there is to it.

I believe my daughter is struggling with this and it is the main issue. However, I will try to find out if there are any other reasons. 

22 hours ago, anatess2 said:

No.  I’m saying when it comes to a conflict between your interest and your child’s interest, your child comes first.  Always.  It’s the same decision-making when your child was born and you had to choose between sleep and comforting your wailing child in the middle of the night.  Nobody is saying don’t sleep at all.  But you don’t sleep until you’ve assured your child’s needs are met.

Yes I agree my children come first.I didn't view the situation as me putting them second by remarrying but perhaps I was 

[classylady]

Since I am a stepmother I have done a lot of studying on second marriages and step-parenting. There is a high divorce rate of 2nd marriages when children are involved. I think about 67 %. Even though you and your fiancé love each other, your children may not love her or ever grow to love her.  Whereas, the stepparent usually makes a conscious choice to love the stepchildren, the stepchildren usually do not make that choice. There are almost always loyalty issues for the children involved. That in turn may cause relationship problems between the married couple. The stepparent often feels marginalized and can feel like they will never be number one in their spouses life. It is a very difficult relationship!!! Most stepparents have no idea how difficult it will be before getting married.  Premarital counseling may be a good idea, not only for you and your fiancé, but also for the children.

I have also been a stepchild. My mother remarried about 6 years after my father died. I did not like my stepfather! Looking back, now as an adult, I can see that he wasn’t such a bad guy, but I was a young teen, and there was no way that I was going to accept him. And, I admit, that I (nor my younger siblings) made it easy for him and that in turn made it hard for my mother. Their marriage lasted less than six months. 
 

I was at a meeting with Dallin H. Oaks, and he mentioned that he did not start dating after his wife passed away until all his children were on board with it. I believe he said one of his daughters had a more difficult time with the issue, and he waited until she was also okay with him dating/remarrying. Because, all the children were accepting, the step-parenting issues were at a minimum. 
 

I hope you and your family can find peace as you find answers together as a family.

[Vernor's Ginger Ale]

On 3/7/2020 at 4:39 PM, LewisC said:

My 18 year old son lost his testimony at that time...

my 18 year old son he began accusing me of being unfaithful to his mom. He thinks this because he believes that when I was sealed to his mom I promised to love her and be faithful to her for time and eternity...

Help me understand some things:

• I don't understand how he can lose his testimony and still believe in temple covenants at the same time. 
• I don't understand how marrying again after her death means you're being unfaithful or unloving.  
• I don't understand how this would be any different if you were marrying OUTside the temple rather than INside the temple.
• Was your late wife a convert?  Why their maternal grandmother?

EDIT: You mentioned that your son didn't "really lose his testimony."  So, why did he leave your home?  It sounds like there are other unresolved issues here.

Edited March 15, 2020 by Vernor's Ginger Ale

[anatess2]

On 3/13/2020 at 5:35 PM, LewisC said:

My wife was from the Philippines but she emigrated to the USA with her parents when she was a teenager and I served my mission there, a very special place for me. Actually, I would love to one day take my children there. 

I am going to try to find that balance where I can discipline when I need to. 

SWEET!  @askandanswer's wife is also from the Philippines.  My son is currently serving in the Philippines.  Seems like the church is growing by leaps and bounds over there.  I immigrated to the US during the Y2K mass demand for programmers.

[Vort]

28 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I immigrated to the US during the Y2K mass demand for programmers.

Ah. You're a COBOL warrior.

What? What do you mean? I'm not smirking. That's not laughter, it's coughing. *koff*

[anatess2]

12 minutes ago, Vort said:

Ah. You're a COBOL warrior.

What? What do you mean? I'm not smirking. That's not laughter, it's coughing. *koff*

CoBOL, dude.  Get it right! 

See, here's the interesting thing.  I got into programming because of PacMan and I've been fighting my Dad because he thinks I'm just into computers because of the video games (which Marcos banned because of schoolkids truancy), so in the back of my mind, I've always thought of business programming.  I was a dBase/FoxPro programmer in high school (that's when I was 12-15 years old) when all the other nerds in my circle where playing with INKEY$ in Basic making video games and dreaming of working for Atari.  Went to Computer Engineering college and taught dBase/FoxPro at a PC shop and also getting paid helping Fortan/Pascal students with their projects and writing and burning A86 programs into EPROMs.  Then the PC shop started offering CoBOL classes, so I signed up.  By the time I graduated college I was a better programmer than an engineer and so when the hiring ads came out, I was first in line to prove my Dad wrong.  I worked Y2K for 2 years and decided that's not gonna give me job security, so I jumped into client-server ETL stuff.  Still doing ETL until today.

[Vort]

I actually took two quarters of COBOL—oops, I mean CoBoL—for my CS degree. The classes were offered by the business school, not the CS department. I honestly rather enjoyed the classes. I'll give you one guess as to how many times I have used CoBoL in the last 22 years.

Edited March 16, 2020 by Vort

[anatess2]

3 minutes ago, Vort said:

I actually took two quarters of COBOL—oops, I mean CoBoL—for my CS degree. The classes were offered by the business school, not the CS department. I honestly rather enjoyed the classes. I'll give you one guess as to how many times I have used CoBoL in the last 22 years.

See, if you were a mainframe programmer you'd be doing thousands of CoBOL.  If you touched mid-range ones you'd be on RPG with a smattering of CoBOL.  But then young'uns are all into that java stuff... 😃

[omegaseamaster75]

On 3/12/2020 at 4:25 PM, LewisC said:

I don't mean to sound silly here but what kind of privileges? I don't believe my children have many privileges, I don't let them go out alone with friends, I don't give them money every week, I can't think of any privilege to take away from them

Do they have iphones? social media accounts? TV access etc. take her phone away I bet compliance is just around the corner.

[askandanswer]

perhaps this has been noted already, I haven't read the whole thread, but for some reason, this post reminded me of President Oakes talk in the Saturday morning session of October General Conference

My dear brothers and sisters, a letter I received some time ago introduces the subject of my talk. The writer was contemplating a temple marriage to a man whose eternal companion had died. She would be a second wife. She asked this question: would she be able to have her own house in the next life, or would she have to live with her husband and his first wife? I just told her to trust the Lord.

I continue with an experience I heard from a valued associate, which I share with his permission. After the death of his beloved wife and the mother of his children, a father remarried. Some grown children strongly objected to the remarriage and sought the counsel of a close relative who was a respected Church leader. After hearing the reasons for their objections, which focused on conditions and relationships in the spirit world or in the kingdoms of glory that follow the Final Judgment, this leader said: “You are worried about the wrong things. You should be worried about whether you will get to those places. Concentrate on that. If you get there, all of it will be more wonderful than you can imagine.”

What a comforting teaching! Trust in the Lord!

[askandanswer]

On 3/14/2020 at 8:35 AM, LewisC said:

My wife was from the Philippines but she emigrated to the USA with her parents when she was a teenager and I served my mission there, a very special place for me. Actually, I would love to one day take my children there. 

I am going to try to find that balance where I can discipline when I need to. 

I served my mission in the Philippines as well. Where and when did you serve?

[LewisC]

On 3/17/2020 at 6:10 AM, askandanswer said:

I served my mission in the Philippines as well. Where and when did you serve?

I was in  Quezon City mission 1996-1998 makes me feel old to write that. 

[LewisC]

On 3/16/2020 at 4:25 PM, anatess2 said:

CoBOL, dude.  Get it right! 

See, here's the interesting thing.  I got into programming because of PacMan and I've been fighting my Dad because he thinks I'm just into computers because of the video games (which Marcos banned because of schoolkids truancy), so in the back of my mind, I've always thought of business programming.  I was a dBase/FoxPro programmer in high school (that's when I was 12-15 years old) when all the other nerds in my circle where playing with INKEY$ in Basic making video games and dreaming of working for Atari.  Went to Computer Engineering college and taught dBase/FoxPro at a PC shop and also getting paid helping Fortan/Pascal students with their projects and writing and burning A86 programs into EPROMs.  Then the PC shop started offering CoBOL classes, so I signed up.  By the time I graduated college I was a better programmer than an engineer and so when the hiring ads came out, I was first in line to prove my Dad wrong.  I worked Y2K for 2 years and decided that's not gonna give me job security, so I jumped into client-server ETL stuff.  Still doing ETL until today.

Java or nothing. Although, I spend most of my time patching vulnerabilities in C softwatre neglecting my actual role which is Cyber Security. 

[anatess2]

9 minutes ago, LewisC said:

I was in  Quezon City mission 1996-1998 makes me feel old to write that. 

My son is in the Manila mission right now!  Bunkered in an apartment in Paco.

[anatess2]

10 minutes ago, LewisC said:

Java or nothing. Although, I spend most of my time patching vulnerabilities in C softwatre neglecting my actual role which is Cyber Security. 

Ahh.. .the young'uns.  Hah hah.

[LewisC]

Thank you again for your advice.

 

Quick update: 

 

My 18 year old son moved back home with me as his grandma wanted to self isolate, although he made it very clear to me that it was not by choice. My 19 year old son managed to stay on his mission. There has been a lot of tension in the house but I have enjoyed having my son home again. Regarding the wedding it is on hold due to the virus and my children's objections. I don't know if we will ever be married or how long she will want to wait but that is the situation right now. 

[LewisC]

1 minute ago, anatess2 said:

Ahh.. .the young'uns.  Hah hah.

C is fairly old school isn't it. I am not young but I joined the programming party later in my life so I guess I picked up what was trendy at that time. 

[LewisC]

6 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

My son is in the Manila mission right now!  Bunkered in an apartment in Paco.

Oh awesome! My son is still on his mission in England. I loved my mission in the Philippines so much so within a year of returning I married a woman from there 

[anatess2]

4 minutes ago, LewisC said:

Oh awesome! My son is still on his mission in England. I loved my mission in the Philippines so much so within a year of returning I married a woman from there 

You and @askandanswer both! 

My son has a Filipina girlfriend in Colorado so I don't think he'll be marrying a woman from his mission.  Hah hah.

[LewisC]

3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

You and @askandanswer both! 

My son has a Filipina girlfriend in Colorado so I don't think he'll be marrying a woman from his mission.  Hah hah.

Haha, well I didn't meet my wife on my mission I met her in a Chineese restaurant of all places. I was missing the Asian pork and she was working as a waitress  

[anatess2]

7 minutes ago, LewisC said:

C is fairly old school isn't it. I am not young but I joined the programming party later in my life so I guess I picked up what was trendy at that time. 

ANSI C was fairly old school.  I'm talking 80's old school.    Although, Basic was the bom diggity in the 80's for the PC's.  Mainframes have had ANSI C but they weren't yet taught in unis in the early 80's in the Philippines (and in the US, from what I understand).  Engineering schools taught Pascal, Business schools taught CoBOL.  C did not get ISO'd until the 90's.  Late 90's is when java ruled the world jumping on top of C++.

 

[LewisC]

4 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

ANSI C was fairly old school.  I'm talking 80's old school.    Although, Basic was the bom diggity in the 80's for the PC's.  Mainframes have had ANSI C but they weren't yet taught in unis in the early 80's in the Philippines (and in the US, from what I understand).  Engineering schools taught Pascal, Business schools taught CoBOL.  C did not get ISO'd until the 90's.  Late 90's is when java ruled the world jumping on top of C++.

 

I didn't start programming until 2002 and yes it was mostly Java but I picked up C. I self taught so didn't study it at college I actually never made it to college, which my son's remind me of when I try to convince them to go. 

[anatess2]

Just now, LewisC said:

I didn't start programming until 2002 and yes it was mostly Java but I picked up C. I self taught so didn't study it at college I actually never made it to college, which my son's remind me of when I try to convince them to go. 

We're opposite!  I went to college and now I'm telling my kids college is overrated.  I got a kid who wants to be a music producer and another kid who wants to be a professional fisherman... I'm scratching my head what college course will be good for them.  Hah hah.

[LewisC]

3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

We're opposite!  I went to college and now I'm telling my kids college is overrated.  I got a kid who wants to be a music producer and another kid who wants to be a professional fisherman... I'm scratching my head what college course will be good for them.  Hah hah.

It sounds like your kids know what they want to do. My kids have no idea so getting a college degree whilst figuring it out seems like a good use of their time. I am getting exasperated with my 18 year old, he just doesn't want to do anything. He graduated high school almost a year ago and hasn't done anything