Leaving The Church, But Interested To Know Something...

[ztodd]

Why is everyone defending her family? Is it not possible that the family could be the ones who are wrong? I agree with wonderfulnewlife that her family should not have disowned her. My brother chose to go inactive from the church, but we all still invite him for family nights and dinners a couple of times per month. We all still try to show Christ-like love.

Maybe there's more to wonderfulnewlife's story, but as long as she isn't trying to influence others to leave the church, what's the harm in keeping her included in family activities?

[the_jason]

Hello there,

I spent 21 years in the LDS Church, and I am still a member. I plan on having my records removed from the church because I have found that I, personally, don't find what other people find here. I don't believe what my family believes, and suddenly I am not treated the same. They have stopped inviting me to family functions, they won't let me babysit my cousins... why? I am still the same person I have always been, are they afraid I am going to try and tell their children to leave with me? I would never do that. Faith is a very personal thing, and they don't believe that.

The reason I am here is to find out what many other LDS people think about my situation. I went through years of doubt before I made my decision, and I am happy with the choice I made.

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

Your experience with your family and friends should have very little to do with your testimony of the gospel. Members of the church are human, therefore imperfect. No they shouldn't treat you this way. No we do not teach that people should be treated that way. Everyone has their agency, and if they choose to mistreat you, it is they only who are mistreating you, not the Church. It's critical that you recognize the distinction.

[Maya]

I think your family is scared. Especially for kids. The grownups may believe and be strong in Church... but they do not know how to explain a child...even worse to explain to a youth, why you are not a member. Children and youth ar stil looking for the path to go and they ofcourse wish they will follow them, not you. As an adult you do have a modells influence to the others. Maybe the adults see your life as an easier sollution, which do not lead to right and ofcourse they do not wish their kids would take that path. Unfortunately they are unsure of it, that they have tought the kids well enough, so they can resist what you fell for. After all now they see that their family fortress was not as strong, as they believed and they are fixing the defences so this would never happen again.

After a few years it may look better.

[Mountaingirl]

Why is everyone defending her family? Is it not possible that the family could be the ones who are wrong? I agree with wonderfulnewlife that her family should not have disowned her. My brother chose to go inactive from the church, but we all still invite him for family nights and dinners a couple of times per month. We all still try to show Christ-like love.

Maybe there's more to wonderfulnewlife's story, but as long as she isn't trying to influence others to leave the church, what's the harm in keeping her included in family activities?

I wish more people had your outlook... really.

[MorningStar]

Why is everyone defending her family? Is it not possible that the family could be the ones who are wrong? I agree with wonderfulnewlife that her family should not have disowned her. My brother chose to go inactive from the church, but we all still invite him for family nights and dinners a couple of times per month. We all still try to show Christ-like love.

Maybe there's more to wonderfulnewlife's story, but as long as she isn't trying to influence others to leave the church, what's the harm in keeping her included in family activities?

I don't think everyone here is defending her family, but we don't know her or them. We can only guess as to why her family is acting the way they are and I personally hope that they will invite her to all gatherings soon and that they can figure out a way to adjust. When you have members and non-members in the family, there's a fine line to walk. That's the way it is in my family.

[docjwt]

My Friend, I don't know you other than what you wrote, but haven come down a simular path of believing and then having lots of major doubts about the church, I certianly hope you would reconsider your position.. To have your church records pulled is a Major step and one that could leave you lost. Please consider a period of inactivity first while you think about and consider your options. Being inactive was one of the better things I could have done for myself..

As to how your family is treating you, they are in pain like you are, maybe even more so at your decision. While this does not make it right nessissary, it is human nature to pull away from things that causes pain. My family didn't support me when I converted the first time, and they still are not "happy" about the things that I've done. However, after enuff time I seem to have worn them down..... But it still hurts them.......

Peace to you my brother now and always!!

Docjwt

[roxygurl]

I personally have had a sister remove her name from the church records. She had a hard time adapting to church life in Utah after moving from California and she became involved in drugs and other things before deciding to remove her name from the church records. I'm not sure if her choice is a consequence of poor treatment from members, lost belief in the church, or perhaps pressuring from her Jewish boyfriend to be removed.

My family reacted differently from your family; I believe my parents tried to hold on as my sister pushed herself farther away. In spite of decisions she has made that my family doesn't believe are right, over the years we have built a loving relationship. Over time as she was away from us and as she grew older in her 20s, I believe she began to appreciate my parents and our family more. I think it's best to not bring up church topics, and as everyone respects the other's beliefs we get along fine. Your family will most likely be the same way. Over time, I'm sure they will realize the mistake they are making, but at the moment they are probably hurt and feeling rejected.

I know that Church members can be very judgmental and that people can take offense easily. The leaders of the Church know this too, just read the last October 2006 general conference talks. I've even heard that during a fireside, one of the quorum of the 12 apostles said that the biggest concern they have about the Church members is being judgmental.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is pushing you away. I know that is not right. Everyone deals with things differently and hopefully you can still love them although your decision creates a separation between you and them. Perhaps the only thing you can do is state your stance and reasons for leaving and wait for time and God to bring you back together.

[Mountaingirl]

I personally have had a sister remove her name from the church records. She had a hard time adapting to church life in Utah after moving from California and she became involved in drugs and other things before deciding to remove her name from the church records. I'm not sure if her choice is a consequence of poor treatment from members, lost belief in the church, or perhaps pressuring from her Jewish boyfriend to be removed.

My family reacted differently from your family; I believe my parents tried to hold on as my sister pushed herself farther away. In spite of decisions she has made that my family doesn't believe are right, over the years we have built a loving relationship. Over time as she was away from us and as she grew older in her 20s, I believe she began to appreciate my parents and our family more. I think it's best to not bring up church topics, and as everyone respects the other's beliefs we get along fine. Your family will most likely be the same way. Over time, I'm sure they will realize the mistake they are making, but at the moment they are probably hurt and feeling rejected.

I know that Church members can be very judgmental and that people can take offense easily. The leaders of the Church know this too, just read the last October 2006 general conference talks. I've even heard that during a fireside, one of the quorum of the 12 apostles said that the biggest concern they have about the Church members is being judgmental.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is pushing you away. I know that is not right. Everyone deals with things differently and hopefully you can still love them although your decision creates a separation between you and them. Perhaps the only thing you can do is state your stance and reasons for leaving and wait for time and God to bring you back together.

I understand that your sister had a hard time after she left the church and removed her name from the records. Drugs and alcohol are horrible, but to blame that on the fact that she left the church isn't exactly going to work. I can tell you of 5 devout LDS members who had temple recs. that were into drugs and have everyone fooled. Everyone.

I wish you and your family well.

The girl who wrote this obviously isn't going to come back.

[cobra]

Well, call me Mr. Insensitive, but it is my observation that people leave the Church for the most petty, silly, stupid, and idiotic reasons available. Or, they have just screwed their neighbor's wife. So...what's in your wallet?

Watch it, Cobra.

This forum is for amicable discussion- not accusations such as your little missive above.

Fair warning- Tone it down or tune it out.

Honos

[emeliza]

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

They are human. They are showing it. They have messed up if they aren't speaking with you or interacting with you the way they should. Something scared them. They see you as 'different' now because one of the main things you had in common was the belief system. They will come around as long as you remain the 'same' with your love towards them and your attitude. So long as you don't bash the Church or bring up religion. And when they do, just shy away from it. You said faith is individual, they don't quite believe this the same way I would guess. But since you do, just don't talk about religion or faith with them. Keep it personal and not public. Sadly enough, even though you haven't changed your personality or your morals, the change of your beliefs will be seen as a change in your personality and morals. It is up to you to take the high road and just show them this.

Good luck

[tenalk]

Sorry to hear your leaving the church. 21 years is a long time, having your name removed from records seems a bit drastic. I have six kids, 3 in chruch and 3 not! I treat them all the same, one of my daughters is wiccen, and excomunicated, I still share my testimony with her, and invite her to chruch and family home evening and things. I still hold conversations with the children that dont go any more just as I do the ones that do go. I guess my point is your family should still treat you the same, infact they should be trying to help you change your mind and help lead you back into the fold. Maybe they need a little time, as you do, to sort out how they and you feel.

I pray that you will change your mind, search your heart and seek to forgive your family for how they are making you feel at this time. Put your trust in The Lord, 21 years of gospel living will be well embedded in you now. Im sure that even if you do leave there will be aspects of the past years that will be with you for eternity.

[Dale]

People can leave any church for the wrong reasons. People can leave for the right reasons. I think a person should pause on the idea of leaving for year's if need be. I have had experiences with a wide variety of Christian churches, and the LDS Church is a good church. I am not a member, but i like certain aspects of the LDS Church.

[76-M880]

my mom and day dont treat me the same since i joined the church

[Dale]

my mom and dad dont treat me the same since i joined the church

That can happen with parents.

[Juliann]

Is it not against the very religion they claim to love so much to turn your back on your own family members?

Yes. But the way you have worded this is a taunt and I suspect some of that is filtering through no matter how hard you are trying to do the right thing. I think it would be impossible for it not to show a bit at this early stage. This is not a matter of fairness or "right" at this time. You will have to bear the burden because you are the one stepping outside regardless of who is right or wrong. You have to give them time! And you will have to quash anything that even hints of negativity...or anything that could be perceived as negativity.

I think the biggest problem for your family is your desire to remove your name. THat is going to come across as a slap along with the sadness you are creating. It has a hostile feeling to it no matter how justified it may be. THat again is something that you are just going to have to accept. It takes away the initial hope your family has that you might return and that is a vital element for them to be able to grieve and ultimately accept. I think anyone's advice would be to stop attending, put yourself on the noncontact list and give your family a chance to see that you are not changing. If you are going to remove your name I think you just need to give them the time it will take and stop trying to put the burden on them to go at your pace. Be understanding, acknowledge how hurtful this is to them, let them know that you are not going to attempt to influence anyone. Then be sure that you do not ever discuss religion for a very long time...in any form or manner whatsoever. This really isn't about you it is about your family relationships right now. You have found fulfillment and happiness so you need to accommodate those you leave behind. Don't expect anything...just live the Golden Rule and they will eventually get it. Two of my three sisters have their names removed, one by request and one by a bishop who just did it after decades of no contact requests (she was upset about that which surprised me). Our family functions just fine and my sisters were very appreciative of the church's assistance when my parents were ill and in a different state.

I am sure this will all correct itself given time but again, it will be your burden to smooth the way for your family no matter how wrong that may feel right now.