Reaching Out -- The Shame of Ignorance


Carborendum
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It is rare that I forget much in the way of significant events in my life.  In fact, many stupid, insignificant events which I wish to forget stick in my mind anyway.  But recently I've been having a series of flashbacks.  I've had memories of things I'd completely forgotten about start to make their way back to my consciousness.

Two extremely shame-filled moments have come to the front of my mind recently.  Since they tend to exemplify my greatest sin of commission and omission respectively, I tend to think that the Lord has seen fit to remind me of them because it is high time that I address them.  I  honestly don't know if I was prepared to address them until now.  But I thought I'd at least share one of them because I'm going to guess that it is one that many have a problem with.

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Around 4th grade or so a little girl moved into our school district.  Her name was Kim (I'll withhold her surname for privacy).  She was a cute little waif of a girl.  By little, I mean she was the shortest person in the class.  We all welcomed her.  To my knowledge no one ever teased her.  I even waved "hi" to her and gave her all the common greetings whenever I saw her.  But I now realize that I never actually got to know her.  I never carried on a conversation with her.  And to my knowledge, no one ever did.

Time went on.  She was always there.  I always greeted her as usual.  By the time we went to high school, I never really saw her anymore.  I was in advanced classes.  She wasn't  And such classes were on opposite ends of the school.  But I knew she was in the same school because she lived just a couple blocks from me.  And I never even visited her house.

One day I found myself in a different place than normal and I had to take a different route to make it to my next class.  I passed through the west side of the school where the druggies and gangsters hung out.  As I was thus traversing, I saw Kim in the middle of the cloud of smoke that frequented the area.  Our eyes locked.  

I had never really thought about what happened to her.  I never really thought about who her friends were.  I never really thought of her at all.  But right there I realized I'd never realized what path she ended up taking because of a dearth of good friends.  I gazed at her as if to ask, "What are you doing there?"

And in a true Thoreau-Emerson moment, her expression seemed to respond, "What are you doing there?"

To my shame, I shrugged it off and went on to my class.  Somewhere in my mind I was justifying to myself: I'm too busy right now.  I have to get to class.  Besides, she made her choices.  

All of that was true.  But the memory now haunts me.  What if I had invited her to my home to even ONE birthday party?  What if I invited her to play with me?  What if I even carried on ONE conversation with her?  What if she had just one good friend?  Would she have turned out any different?

Earlier this month, a new family moved into the ward.  The attended for two weeks.  Then they disappeared.  No one has said a word.  Then my son brought up their name.  He mentioned that he had been trying to get a hold of them.  Amazing parallels and contrasts.

Lately,  I have been doing what I can to get to know those who are attending, but aren't (if we were to make schoolyard equivalencies) the "popular kids".  I don't really know if I can do anything to help them in their struggles or ease their burdens.  But at the very least I can be there to say, "I'm your friend.  I care about you."

Some people who are down and out are afraid of becoming a "project" for ward leadership.  And maybe sometimes that's the attitude with which it is executed.  But I certainly hope that we do it with the attitude of "maybe I can't do much for you.  But I can at least be there to say I'm your friend."

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Good story.  Even though the sin may be considered minor compared to others, it obviously is weighing you down.  I prescribe repentance. 

Steps of repentance:
1. Recognize our sins
2. Feel sorrow for our sins
3. Forsake our sins
4. Confess
5. Make Restitution
6. Forgive others
7. Keep the commandments of God.

You've already got #s 1, 2, 3, and 4 down.  #5 may be impossible or ill advised, although depending on the rarity of her name, you might be able to find her online and send her a brief appropriate note.  Don't short the power of #5 in your personal process.  Whether it's a quick DM on facebook, or a willingness to tell the story and honor hers, it's big juju in the repentance process for you.  

#6 is good juju too.  Go pick two or three people who you think wronged you in your youth, and forgive them.  Do for them, what you'd hope Kim would do for you if she saw your amendment/restitution note.

 

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In other cases, you may have no way of making amends directly. The person may be dead, or you may not be able to discover where he or she lives. In such cases, you can still make amends indirectly. You can write the person a letter expressing your regret and desire for reconciliation, even if the letter cannot be delivered. You can give a gift to the person’s favorite charity. You can find someone who reminds you of that person and do something to help him or her. Or you may be able to do something to help a member of the family anonymously.

There may be times when approaching another person or seeking to provide restitution is painful for that person or even harmful. If you think that might be the case, discuss the situation with a trusted adviser before proceeding. This part of recovery must never lead to the further harm of others. Also, at times you may have caused harm that is beyond human ability to repair. Elder Neal A. Maxwell spoke of this reality: “Sometimes … restitution is not possible in real terms, such as when one contributed to another’s loss of faith or virtue. Instead, a subsequent example of righteousness provides a compensatory form of restitution” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1991, 41; or Ensign, Nov. 1991, 31). From the moment you decide to adopt these true principles as your new way of life, you begin to make amends.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/addiction-recovery-program-a-guide-to-addiction-recovery-and-healing/step-9-restitution-and-reconciliation?lang=eng

As I finished reading @NeuroTypical's post, I thought of these paragraphs from the Addiction Recovery Program.  

I also thought, sometimes when we have lingering guilt, we think we haven't made up for a sin or mistake, that we haven't made restitution.  But I think we remember those feelings to help us remember to do better and to have more empathy and compassion for others who make mistakes too.

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4 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Good story.  Even though the sin may be considered minor compared to others, it obviously is weighing you down.  I prescribe repentance. 

Steps of repentance:
1. Recognize our sins
2. Feel sorrow for our sins
3. Forsake our sins
4. Confess
5. Make Restitution
6. Forgive others
7. Keep the commandments of God.

You've already got #s 1, 2, 3, and 4 down.  #5 may be impossible or ill advised, although depending on the rarity of her name, you might be able to find her online and send her a brief appropriate note.  Don't short the power of #5 in your personal process.  Whether it's a quick DM on facebook, or a willingness to tell the story and honor hers, it's big juju in the repentance process for you.  

#6 is good juju too.  Go pick two or three people who you think wronged you in your youth, and forgive them.  Do for them, what you'd hope Kim would do for you if she saw your amendment/restitution note.

 

I checked on Facebook.  About 7 of them.  Three too young.  Three of their matching surnames were their married name.

The 7th one was a big blank spot.  Showed some interests.  But no details.  No location.  No background.  No photos. No friends.  No nothing.

Could it be her?  Well, I sent a friend request.  We'll see.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 4/29/2021 at 9:43 AM, Carborendum said:

All of that was true.  But the memory now haunts me.  What if I had invited her to my home to even ONE birthday party?  What if I invited her to play with me?  What if I even carried on ONE conversation with her?  What if she had just one good friend?  Would she have turned out any different?

Earlier this month, a new family moved into the ward.  The attended for two weeks.  Then they disappeared.  No one has said a word.  Then my son brought up their name.  He mentioned that he had been trying to get a hold of them.  Amazing parallels and contrasts.

Lately,  I have been doing what I can to get to know those who are attending, but aren't (if we were to make schoolyard equivalencies) the "popular kids".  I don't really know if I can do anything to help them in their struggles or ease their burdens.  But at the very least I can be there to say, "I'm your friend.  I care about you."

I would not blame yourself.  Even if you had become friends with her, possibly another circle of
friends may have led her to the same place.

The past is the past.  But you can change how you would react in a future situation should it arise.

Matteo

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In my line of work, I talk with quite a few girls like the one you described. Many teenagers don't know or understand but a lot of other teens use school as a place of "refuge", they hope someone would talk to them, make them feel important and loved since their situations at home are complicated or downright abusive. Unfortunately, many find "love" in all the wrong places. This is not to make you feel bad at all @Carborendum, your heart is in the right place . I say this to bring more awareness to this issue.

Edited by Suzie
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