Letting go of the guilt of not feeling guilty when you've done all you can


Backroads
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This is actually in a professional regard. A student we shall call Tom. Tom and his mother whom she call Tammy are really terrible at the whole online schooling thing. Without intending to be cruel but to state a fact, Tom and Tammy are generally struggling with functioning in life. With this in regard Tom has been given a lot of grace, as much as can be balanced with the local schooling law, this grace intending to bestow a bar and I daresay educational ethics have been sacrificed just to give this family something to attain to. 

Tom and Tammy have failed.

And I don't feel bad. I feel I have done all in my educational duty for this family. 

Yet, I feel bad about not feeling bad. 

With the commandments to serve our neighbors and care for our brethren, yet with the logic and even the argument it is a spiritual resonsibility to draw boundaries, how do you accept that idea of having done all you can? 

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You're in good company.  This story is being experienced all across the country, over and over again.  People like you, with some measure of involvement or stewardship over others' kids, are experiencing kids with more than apathy or not performing up to their potential.  Our Colorado Children's Hospital network declared a mental health crisis earlier this year, there just aren't enough resources.  Kids are failing, falling through cracks, disappearing, dropping out, all over the place.  And the more you care, the more you love them, the more it's got to hurt.

Failing to graduate ain't the end of the world.  There's still hope that Tom and Tammy will wise up, get what they need, and decide to work harder.

 

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On 11/22/2021 at 2:49 PM, Backroads said:

This is actually in a professional regard. A student we shall call Tom. Tom and his mother whom she call Tammy are really terrible at the whole online schooling thing. Without intending to be cruel but to state a fact, Tom and Tammy are generally struggling with functioning in life. With this in regard Tom has been given a lot of grace, as much as can be balanced with the local schooling law, this grace intending to bestow a bar and I daresay educational ethics have been sacrificed just to give this family something to attain to. 

Tom and Tammy have failed.

And I don't feel bad. I feel I have done all in my educational duty for this family. 

Yet, I feel bad about not feeling bad. 

With the commandments to serve our neighbors and care for our brethren, yet with the logic and even the argument it is a spiritual resonsibility to draw boundaries, how do you accept that idea of having done all you can? 

I can relate to this.  The truth is, we rarely do all we can.  We can almost always do more.  However, there comes a point where "doing more" comes at the expense of something else, whether it's your family, yourself, other students, etc.   The reality of the situation, in my most humble opinion, is that the responsibility beyond reasonable expectations doesn't lie with you.  In the realm of education, what are expectations and involvement of the parents/guardians?   Are they meeting with you to assist?   Are they applying this assistance at home?   Are the kids striving to succeed in spite of home involvement?   You can't always save the world in the short amount of time you have with students, because much of the saving needs to happen at home.   It doesn't matter how bad you want it.  Students and parents have to want it just as bad.

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Tom. Tom and his mother whom she call Tammy are really terrible at the whole online schooling thing. Without intending to be cruel but to state a fact, Tom and Tammy are generally struggling with functioning in life.

At first, I was thinking around the same line as @NeuroTypical but then, I read over your post and I have questions: Why are they terrible at the whole online schooling? And also, you mentioned they are generally struggling with functioning in life? That's a concerning statement, what do you mean exactly?

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On 11/24/2021 at 2:41 PM, Suzie said:

Tom. Tom and his mother whom she call Tammy are really terrible at the whole online schooling thing. Without intending to be cruel but to state a fact, Tom and Tammy are generally struggling with functioning in life.

At first, I was thinking around the same line as @NeuroTypical but then, I read over your post and I have questions: Why are they terrible at the whole online schooling? And also, you mentioned they are generally struggling with functioning in life? That's a concerning statement, what do you mean exactly?

Oh, so much.

Tammy is crazy. Legitimately mentally ill. Spent many years in substance abuse. She lives in a sort of permanent homeless shelter. She's sending Tom to school because her caseworker says she has to. She doesn't want to send him to the local school because government conspiracy. She can't do the online school because the government is spying on her through the school platform.

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Oh, so much.

Tammy is crazy. Legitimately mentally ill. Spent many years in substance abuse. She lives in a sort of permanent homeless shelter. She's sending Tom to school because her caseworker says she has to. She doesn't want to send him to the local school because government conspiracy. She can't do the online school because the government is spying on her through the school platform.

Oh, we are talking about an innocent child living in a homeless shelter with a mother who struggles with mental health issues? This is a lot to take for any person, let alone a child. I'm not surprised that online schooling isn't working for this family when they have so many other needs. I understand you did everything in your power to help them and even though it didn't work out, you gave your best. Having said that, I hope the system and those in charge can keep a close eye on this family and can assist them in any way they can. It is hard to focus on education when basic needs aren't met. I will keep them in my prayers today as soon as I finish writing this post.

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21 hours ago, Suzie said:

Oh, so much.

Tammy is crazy. Legitimately mentally ill. Spent many years in substance abuse. She lives in a sort of permanent homeless shelter. She's sending Tom to school because her caseworker says she has to. She doesn't want to send him to the local school because government conspiracy. She can't do the online school because the government is spying on her through the school platform.

Oh, we are talking about an innocent child living in a homeless shelter with a mother who struggles with mental health issues? This is a lot to take for any person, let alone a child. I'm not surprised that online schooling isn't working for this family when they have so many other needs. I understand you did everything in your power to help them and even though it didn't work out, you gave your best. Having said that, I hope the system and those in charge can keep a close eye on this family and can assist them in any way they can. It is hard to focus on education when basic needs aren't met. I will keep them in my prayers today as soon as I finish writing this post.

I appreciate that. There are many eyes on them, but it's a hard situation.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 11/22/2021 at 12:49 PM, Backroads said:

This is actually in a professional regard. A student we shall call Tom. Tom and his mother whom she call Tammy are really terrible at the whole online schooling thing. Without intending to be cruel but to state a fact, Tom and Tammy are generally struggling with functioning in life. With this in regard Tom has been given a lot of grace, as much as can be balanced with the local schooling law, this grace intending to bestow a bar and I daresay educational ethics have been sacrificed just to give this family something to attain to. 

Tom and Tammy have failed.

And I don't feel bad. I feel I have done all in my educational duty for this family. 

Yet, I feel bad about not feeling bad. 

With the commandments to serve our neighbors and care for our brethren, yet with the logic and even the argument it is a spiritual resonsibility to draw boundaries, how do you accept that idea of having done all you can? 

Perhaps I am somewhat cold hearted.  I believe in agency and that no one should ever work harder to help someone than they are willing to work to help themselves.  There are some caveats however, for example when someone is in a coma - they need help beyond what they are capable.  In general we classify such as not accountable.   I was raised under the concept that I could make any decision for which I was willing to be responsible.  Being responsible means that you do not give up and make or allow someone else the responsibility.  

A little family story.  In college I went with some friends over the Christmas holiday to Canada on a ski trip.  We were on our way home when hit by a blizzard in a mountain pass near the border.  Our car slid off the road with about 10 other cars.  After about an hour, no other cars had shown up and we all needed help.  We were about 5 miles from a small mountain village and I said we needed to send someone(s) for help.  Everybody else was certain help would come and refused - so I struck out on my own.  It took me about 3 hours to cover the 5 miles and the road had been closed at the village.  No one knew there was a problem.  We got some snow cats in the village to get everybody out.  I went with the rescue party to show them where the cars were (as it turned out they could not be seen from the road).  About a mile from the problem it was snowing so hard - I got out and walked in front of the cat so we could see the road.  If I had not gone for help it is likely that everyone would have frozen to death.

It was determined that the cars would remain stuck for 3 or 4 months because the road would remain closed.  My ski buddies all called home for help and their dads sent them money to fly home.  Calling home seem like a good idea so I called my dad.  He first asked me what I had done to attempt to solve the problem.  I had to admit it was nothing.  In essence my father told me to put on my big boy pants and get to work - and if I failed to call him and he would get me home.  I got my stuff and got a ride with a trucker  to just pass the border into Montana where I got out and started hitchhiking.  It was not long before a highway patrolman stopped and asked why I was hitchhiking.  I explained about the car going off the road and going back for help.  As it turned out he had herd about all the cars off the road and the rescue.  He told me to hop in and he drove me to the county line and radioed a head and I ended up riding with highway patrolmen all the way home to Provo, Utah.  I even beat all my friends.  My dad was not so impressed and reminded me that I had to be pushed into solving my own problem and then reminded me that I needed to send thankyou notes to all the highway patrolmen.

Sometimes the best help is convincing someone of what they are capable of. 

 

The Traveler 

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