LDS Friend Pressuring Me


Sunnie
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1 hour ago, Sunnie said:

What should I say to her?  We don't want things to be awkward.  

I have to admit I did not read your massive paragraph.  But I've answered a thousand questions like this before, and I'm guessing my answer has good odds of being relevant here too.

What's wrong with making things awkward?  If someone needs to hear or be told something, and they're not taking hints or clues, what's wrong with a bit of bluntness?  

Another way of thinking about it: What are you willing to put up with, for the rest of your life, if you decide to protect her feelings from any awkwardness?

Edited by NeuroTypical
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@Sunnie-I’m so sorry about this. Life can be complicated and humans don’t always live up to the standards that they believe in. Here’s a hug to you and your husband from me 

Just tell your friend the truth. Your husband is dealing with an issue that keeps him away from the church at this time. 

Your real friends won’t care, and your fake friends will stop talking to you. In the end, you win in “the big picture” because it’ll show you who your real friends really are. 

 

PS-I’m a convert too, and while I’m married to another convert, I understand where you are coming from, as best I can. Stay strong my friend. 

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3 hours ago, Sunnie said:

I'm a convert of almost 40 years, but I've been inactive for 12 years now.  My husband is a life member, but had his personal struggles, he reactivated before we got married.  He used to go to church without me before Covid, but now doesn't go at all.  I continue to have very good LDS friends that have kept track of me (only a few sisters have shunned me).  I recently starting walking with one friend who is pressuring me to go back to church.  I understand she is coming from a place of love.  We went over many things that bothered me before I stopped going to church.  Really, none of them were about the Church.  They were about people who would not listen to me in the ward, who coerced me to do things like teach classes or give talks.  There are other reasons I don't want to get into right now.  There are extenuating circumstances I don't want to share with her.  The thing I don't want to tell her is that my husband smokes and he won't be honest with me about it.  We have had some heavy duty fights about his dishonesty.  We're at the point now where he admits he has smoked, but will not admit to being a smoker.  No matter how much I tell him that I'm mostly upset about the dishonesty, he won't come clean.  My gut feelings is that we have gone to the Temple in the past when he was fully aware he didn't qualify for a Temple Recommend.  I made him go talk to our previous bishop, but I know he continues to smoke as I find things... single cigarettes, an empty pack, a lighter under his car seat, a burn hole, ashes, etc.  I don't explode anymore... I can even be calm about it.  I have stayed away from church to some degree because of this AND because when we went together he was not the strongest member.  It seems crazy, but our marriage has been better since we don't go to church together.  It's not in my face that he's not all he can be.  So last night after walking I told him I was being pressured.  He asked me NOT to tell this friend about the smoking saga.  What should I say to her?  We have become very close to her since her husband passed.  I walk with her and my husband fixes her house when asked.  She will NOT understand that I don't want to talk about it.  She is a pushy little thing some years older than both of us.  She believes she's doing me a favor by pressuring me to face whatever issues I have.

There is a lot to unpack here and a lot I don't understand.  

You're inactive and don't want to be inactive, right?  You're upset that your Latter-day Saint friend pressures you into going back to church?   Tell her the topic is off limits.

The bigger issue, for me, is what I view as an inconsistency.   You don't participate in Church anymore, correct?  Do you wear your garments?  Keep the Word of Wisdom?  Tithe?   If not, then I'm really not sure why you're upset that your husband is doing the same thing?  

It sounds like a great time for you both to start attending again.   There is strength in numbers.  The best way to get back on track is take the first step.

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I see two different things to deal with -- your husband's smoking/lying (your relationship with your husband) and then the relationship with your friend(s).

In the marriage help circles I frequent, this lying part of the vise (porn, alcohol, smoking are the common vises) is often cited as the real problem. The usual advice that I see is to avoid developing a parent/child relationship over the vise and approach it as equal partners. That's difficult when one won't even admit to the vise, but it allows you to focus on what you will do to approach the issue. How much "honesty" do you need (a confession every time he smokes so you can keep score? financial honesty so you know how much is spent?)? Are you making it "easy" for him to confess or hard? The basic idea here is that you can't force him not to smoke and you can't force him to be honest. But you can tell him how you feel when he smokes and how you feel that he doesn't want to confide in you. You can confirm to him that you don't think his smoking makes him a bad person (sometimes we have a problem with this in the Church where we -- often subconsciously -- turn the vise into a statement of character) and even reinforce the good that you see in him. Then hope that your honesty breeds some honesty from him. A good counselor can help with this process. If you want a starting place, I think my favorite "coach" who puts herself out there publicly for this sort of thing is Jennifer Finlaysen-Fife. As a sex therapist, she often frames her view of "intimate" marriages (and honesty, in her view is critical to building an intimate marriage) in terms of sexual differences or porn, but the principles usually translate well to WOW issues like this. If I've remembered correctly, you might find Marriage On a Tightrope podcast episode 83 where she did a Q&A episode for Allan and Kattie. Context -- MOAT is a podcast focused on mixed faith marriages (where one spouse has left the Church), and, naturally, WOW can become an issue in these situations. If memory serves, one of the questions in this Q&A was specifically about navigating alcohol use in this situation, and I think you will find her thoughts and suggestions helpful for your own wrestle with your husbands tobacco use.

The other side is the friend issue. I am a strong believer in loyalty between spouses, so, IMO, if your husband has asked that you don't reveal anything, that should be your first goal -- be loyal to him. That becomes particularly problematic when you feel you need to talk to someone (for your own benefit, not to satisfy their curiosity) about your side of the issue, because it won't always separate cleanly from his side of the issue. My only thought is to err on the side of loyalty, which might mean making excuses or even, "you'll have to talk to him" responses. In the spirit of honesty and intimacy, there could be value in telling your husband what you want to say to friends and ask what he would want you to say.

You're in a tough place. I wish you the best and pray that God will guide you through the nuances of your personal journey.

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