Mitigating Circumstances for Non-Mission

[Carborendum]

We all know that if someone is physically or mentally incapable of serving a mission, they are exempt from those requirements.  Often times we find that they can serve a service mission instead of a proselyting mission.

But are there other circumstances which would justify not going, or at least coming home early?

Example:

• The missionary is a faithful young man who has studied his scriptures and has kept himself worthy to serve. 
• There is no mental or physical impairment of any kind. In fact, he's quite capable of many things that should be useful on a mission.
• But he isn't very sociable.  So, he doesn't know how to talk to people very easily.  And when he does speak, he's quite prone to inadvertent negative comments.
• When it comes to the work, he really doesn't feel he knows what he is doing.  He asks for help, but no one tells him anything that he can actually apply other than "pray about it."
• Then to top it all off, virtually the entire mission is full of missionaries who don't really want to serve a mission.  But they're perfectly happy to take a 2-yr vacation from life.

Discouragement abounds.

I'm fairly certain that the prophet said that every worthy young man is to serve a faithful mission.  If he's worthy, should he just tough it out when he feels like there's no point?

 

I felt this way many times on my mission.  But I only once thought about going home.  And it quickly left.  All the other times, I didn't really relish the idea of returning home either.  It was bad on my mission, it was bad at home.  What's the difference?

But for others, they have a welcoming family. They may have a girlfriend who is waiting at home for them.  They have a career lined up for them.  They have a life where they can be productive.  But on the mission, they feel like they're useless.  They don't know how to do anything, and no one is willing to help them figure it out.

I can think that Nephi didn't know what to do either.  But he decided to be led by the Spirit.  This could be the time to learn how.  Easy to say.  But I still feel sorry for that missionary who has to make that decision.

Edited June 13, 2022 by Carborendum

[Ironhold]

2 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I'm fairly certain that the prophet said that every worthy young man is to serve a faithful mission.  If he's worthy, should he just tough it out when he feels like there's no point?

I think most of the regulars here know my story, but for those who missed it, I'll explain - 

My maternal grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's during my senior year of high school. My two older brothers had basically drained my parents' finances with their college ambitions, and thanks to a series of ugly behind-the-scenes snafus my parents were barely able to finance the nursing home my grandmother was in. Even with her being in a home, my mom and dad were up there at different points of the day to feed her because as she got more debilitated she had trouble eating on her own. 

Furthermore, the last several years of my life to that point had been something of a nightmare, and so I was dealing with a number of then-undiagnosed mental and physical health issues that would have made me horribly unsuited for two years in a shirt and tie. 

Even though my local leadership was sounding the drum beat of "All young men must go on missions, and all young women must regard any young man who didn't serve as ineligible for marriage", I made the decision that I would stay home and attend a local community college, thereby allowing me to help my parents while saving them some money. I would wind up turning the internet itself into my de facto mission field, joining with the other early pioneers and as such doing a *lot* to make it safe for the Bloggernacle as we know it now. I myself had several threats of violence against me because of it, and had multiple ministers singling me out. 

So in that sense, I did "serve". This very forum exists because I and others cleared room for it to exist. Your hypothetical individual could probably also find a way to serve that's not a "traditional" mission. Plus, we also need to remember that every person who is a member of the church has an ongoing obligation to spread the gospel, regardless of whether or not they have a tag on.

 

That being said...

My life has been pretty miserable. 

Due to the drum beat the local and stake leadership was maintaining, there was no understanding, only gossip as to why I didn't go and various leaders who basically made it clear that they didn't regard me as a proper member of the church. 

The fact that I gave up Rutgers and BYU to help my parents also got me a lot of scorn. 

So many doors were closed to me, most closed *forever* by my decision to help my parents, that I haven't had much of a life IRL. Even my own parents frequently used me to vent because I was convenient. 

I'm 38, and so much of my life feels like nothing more than sand between my fingers because I didn't have that support network I needed when I needed it and I had to shoulder so much on my own, leading to me essentially having no major life accomplishments. Yes, I have an MBA. But I'm still living with relatives and make so little I'll likely never live on my own. Throw in multiple debilitating medical issues, and I'm just so, so tired...

So if your friend does decide to forego a formal mission, and instead finds something more suited to what they're able to do and are comfortable with, you will need to have their back and support them, especially if their local and stake leaders are incessant about pushing formal missionary service. People may not understand why they make the choices they make, and so they may not be as socially welcomed as they ought to be.

 

edit - 

Yes, I'll admit to also making a lot of poor choices at times. 

Some were because I lacked needed experience and so didn't understand. 

Others were because circumstances required me to act in the moment and I didn't choose the correct option. 

Some were because I was just an idiot at that point and didn't think things through. 

Many were "I have an issue, and I can't get anyone to listen, so what's the best way of doing things?" without realizing that my chosen solution had a lot of flaws that would just make things worse. 

There was also a whole lot of "just feeling empty inside" and not wanting to feel that way anymore. 

I'm doing what I can to make peace with my past while trying to move forward (I actually have an appointment for a physical examination tomorrow morning, if all goes well), but as things stand there's far more "sideways" and "backwards" than "forward". 

Edited June 13, 2022 by Ironhold

[estradling75]

4 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I'm fairly certain that the prophet said that every worthy young man is to serve a faithful mission.  If he's worthy, should he just tough it out when he feels like there's no point?

The scriptures tell us that "without 'faith' it is impossible to please God".  Note it does not say "without 'the results we expected to get' it is impossible to please God.

Sadly too many use there own judgment on the results to figure out what they should do...   Just image if Abinadi had that mindset... "I'm going to get burned to death by King Noah without a single convert.  (He likely did not know of Alma) So clearly this in not the path God wants me to take."

Yes missions are hard and can be discouraging.. but missions do not have a monopoly on hardship and discouragement.  It is in these moments that we prove our faith, and we gain the strength to face the other trials and discouragement we will face.

Toughing it out is OK but the better mindset is...  "The Lord has put me here for a wise purpose which I know not, but I will trust that he does."

 

 

 

[Vort]

5 hours ago, Carborendum said:

I'm fairly certain that the prophet said that every worthy young man is to serve a faithful mission. 

 Pretty sure that advice is more carefully worded today, something like, "Every young man should prepare to serve a full time mission."

[Carborendum]

40 minutes ago, Vort said:

 Pretty sure that advice is more carefully worded today, something like, "Every young man should prepare to serve a full time mission."

I sometimes wonder if anyone really knows what "prepared for a mission" really means.  And given conditions today (boy have my missionaries got some stories) I wonder if we know.

But I suppose they don't yet have an experience like Ammonihah.

[NeuroTypical]

9 hours ago, Carborendum said:

 

• But he isn't very sociable.  So, he doesn't know how to talk to people very easily.  And when he does speak, he's quite prone to inadvertent negative comments.
• When it comes to the work, he really doesn't feel he knows what he is doing.  He asks for help, but no one tells him anything that he can actually apply other than "pray about it."
• Then to top it all off, virtually the entire mission is full of missionaries who don't really want to serve a mission.  But they're perfectly happy to take a 2-yr vacation from life.

 

It's worth it to endure hard, scary, discouraging things that seem to result with little or no success.

Let me say that again: It's worth it.

[Ironhold]

Okay...

10 PM last night: there's so much dust, dirt, and other debris in the air that my sinuses are bleeding

10 AM today: the nurse can't find a good vein for the blood draw, and so my physical examination is now being delayed a week so that I can come back later and try again since the doctor needs my results to get an accurate read on any medical issues I have. 

Oy.

 

However, the doctor did send me to a local hospital for a fresh set of x-rays of my back and neck (apparently, the physical therapist who looked at my last set misread them and exaggerated the extent of my injuries), and is going to refer me to a series of specialists who are in-system for my insurance once he gets that good read on what help I actually need. 

[Ironhold]

On 6/13/2022 at 5:06 PM, Carborendum said:

I sometimes wonder if anyone really knows what "prepared for a mission" really means.  And given conditions today (boy have my missionaries got some stories) I wonder if we know.

But I suppose they don't yet have an experience like Ammonihah.

The general idea is that would-be missionaries need to be living their lives in accordance with gospel principles, actively reading the scriptures & official church materials, saving up for the cost of their mission, and working on themselves as individuals so that they are better able to function in unfamiliar social situations. 

In that sense, the advice is sound, and will generally get the average would-be missionary through the bulk of the day-to-day. 

The issue is when people serve a mission for all the wrong reasons, such as being pressured by their families and/or home congregations. That's when the problems start, especially if these individuals haven't prepared themselves to actually go. 

[Just_A_Guy]

On 6/13/2022 at 9:23 AM, Carborendum said:

We all know that if someone is physically or mentally incapable of serving a mission, they are exempt from those requirements.  Often times we find that they can serve a service mission instead of a proselyting mission.

But are there other circumstances which would justify not going, or at least coming home early?

Example:

• The missionary is a faithful young man who has studied his scriptures and has kept himself worthy to serve. 
• There is no mental or physical impairment of any kind. In fact, he's quite capable of many things that should be useful on a mission.
• But he isn't very sociable.  So, he doesn't know how to talk to people very easily.  And when he does speak, he's quite prone to inadvertent negative comments.
• When it comes to the work, he really doesn't feel he knows what he is doing.  He asks for help, but no one tells him anything that he can actually apply other than "pray about it."
• Then to top it all off, virtually the entire mission is full of missionaries who don't really want to serve a mission.  But they're perfectly happy to take a 2-yr vacation from life.

Discouragement abounds.

I'm fairly certain that the prophet said that every worthy young man is to serve a faithful mission.  If he's worthy, should he just tough it out when he feels like there's no point?

 

I felt this way many times on my mission.  But I only once thought about going home.  And it quickly left.  All the other times, I didn't really relish the idea of returning home either.  It was bad on my mission, it was bad at home.  What's the difference?

But for others, they have a welcoming family. They may have a girlfriend who is waiting at home for them.  They have a career lined up for them.  They have a life where they can be productive.  But on the mission, they feel like they're useless.  They don't know how to do anything, and no one is willing to help them figure it out.

I can think that Nephi didn't know what to do either.  But he decided to be led by the Spirit.  This could be the time to learn how.  Easy to say.  But I still feel sorry for that missionary who has to make that decision.

Your purely-hypothetical (of course!) missionary sounds almost 100% like me, except that I was fortunate in that almost my entire mission was comprised of people who (notwithstanding numerous other, sometimes grave faults) had testimonies, wanted to be there, and were willing to work.

I would still say:  tough it out, and find joy where you can.

Here’s something I posted to Facebook during the #givethanks campaign in late 2020, if it’s any help:

In Mormon circles, it is a common trope that one’s term of service as a missionary is “the best two years of your life”.

That . . . wasn’t the case with me.

Don’t get me wrong—there were absolutely good times, and good people. But at its core, my missionary service was a sustained two-year period of being confronted with the disparity between what I wanted things to be, versus the way things really were. This sort of disappointment came up time and again—in the way I viewed my abilities, my faith, other people inside and outside of my own faith tradition, and the general world around me. I’m not sure I was a particularly effective missionary; and the overall experience was threateningly close to disillusionment.  I have spent much of my adult life trying to process and make sense of what I experienced during that time. It’s still difficult—both linguistically and emotionally—for me to articulate all of my feelings about it.

And yet . . .

The older I get, the more I understand what a formative experience it was; how it prepared me for the life I have now.

--It was on my mission that I first saw first-hand the effects of domestic violence, substance abuse, and mental illness; a precursor for my career path as a DCFS attorney. It was on my mission that I learned that while people *can* change, they often don’t; and waiting for them to change before loving them is going to be a very lonely experience. It was on my mission, I think, that I came to believe that one of the first rules of human relationships must be, “first, do no harm”—but that one of the next rules, is to remember that people have the potential to do and be so much more than they are. It was on my mission that I learned that being invited to be a part of someone’s struggles when they are in the most hellish moments of their lives, is a sacred trust and—paradoxically—beautiful in its own way.

--It was on my mission that I think I really started to take comfort in little things. The faintest few puffs of a river breeze on a ninety-degree day with ninety-percent humidity. The sweetness of a watermelon, eaten in the shade. The sound of a tropical rainstorm approaching. The contrast between the brilliantly starlit sky above us and the pitch darkness surrounding our boat in the Trombetas River; and the inexplicable way a badly-but-sincerely sung hymn of praise can only enhance the experience.  Flying above a tropical storm at night, watching bolts of lightning shooting between pillars of clouds towering up all around us. The workmanship of a hand-stitched blanket at the Ver-o-Peso market.

[Religious stuff coming—apologies if I seem preachy with these next couple!]

--It was on my mission that I dove into the scriptures, with an intensity that eventually made various authors seem very familiar, very individualized to me.

--It was on my mission that I learned to have an all-out brawl with God. That He can take it. That I won’t get immediately smitten if I whine, if I complain, if I scream at Him and cuss at Him and demand explanations that He is disinclined to give.

--It was on my mission that I learned that sometimes, even when every atom of you is screaming out for you to act--to do something, *anything*, to make the pain stop—sometimes the correct course is inaction. Patience. Wait and see. “Be still, and know that I am God.”

For what may well have been the worst (but most necessary) two years of my life, I #givethanks.