Serious dating before my mission - Good idea? Bad idea?


aLmOsTmIsSiOnArY
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I’m 19, just graduated high school last year, and preparing to serve my mission as a woman. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man, who is 20, who is also preparing for his mission. We spend all our time together. He’s trying to recover from depression and anxiety before his mission, however, which will take him an extra 6 months of recovery before actually leaving. Not to mention the 6 months longer his mission will be than mine. He leaves to his home country next month (he’s studying abroad here) to help himself recover. He’ll be back in 3 months to America to study for one semester before finally leaving. I want to wait for him now, so I can get an extra three months with him. We’re planning on getting married after our missions. Not only will I serve my mission, but I’ll have to wait one year after my mission for him to come back. I could wait half the time right now, and be with him, or just leave now. I’m very fearful of leaving his side, but feel mixed emotions as I’m happy for him, and excited about my mission. Whenever I see immediate and extended family, they ask me when I’m going, and often pressure me to go soon. For example; My boyfriend and I started working on my papers together this week. I was so excited to go tell my dad, who’s been asking me about it all the time. When I told him He said, “since when are you serving a mission?” As a way to say I’ve been taking too long to leave, and he’s disappointed. I talked to a general officer last Sunday, and he told me to listen to the spirit, and that I should focus on my mission. He said we could prepare together, as long as we’re not preventing or distracting each other from going. This anxiety of leaving, the pressure, the mixed signals and confusion have been eating me up for four months. Anyone have some advice for me? So far I haven’t seen any talks about this, and it’s not something we discuss at church a lot. 

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11 hours ago, aLmOsTmIsSiOnArY said:

I’m 19, just graduated high school last year, and preparing to serve my mission as a woman. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man, who is 20, who is also preparing for his mission. We spend all our time together. He’s trying to recover from depression and anxiety before his mission, however, which will take him an extra 6 months of recovery before actually leaving. Not to mention the 6 months longer his mission will be than mine. He leaves to his home country next month (he’s studying abroad here) to help himself recover. He’ll be back in 3 months to America to study for one semester before finally leaving. I want to wait for him now, so I can get an extra three months with him. We’re planning on getting married after our missions. Not only will I serve my mission, but I’ll have to wait one year after my mission for him to come back. I could wait half the time right now, and be with him, or just leave now. I’m very fearful of leaving his side, but feel mixed emotions as I’m happy for him, and excited about my mission. Whenever I see immediate and extended family, they ask me when I’m going, and often pressure me to go soon. For example; My boyfriend and I started working on my papers together this week. I was so excited to go tell my dad, who’s been asking me about it all the time. When I told him He said, “since when are you serving a mission?” As a way to say I’ve been taking too long to leave, and he’s disappointed. I talked to a general officer last Sunday, and he told me to listen to the spirit, and that I should focus on my mission. He said we could prepare together, as long as we’re not preventing or distracting each other from going. This anxiety of leaving, the pressure, the mixed signals and confusion have been eating me up for four months. Anyone have some advice for me? So far I haven’t seen any talks about this, and it’s not something we discuss at church a lot. 

My son had a girlfriend before his mission and they were really serious.  As I saw them together, I knew they were a perfect fit for each other.  They both have problems individually.  But when they're together, it seems like all the problems in the world go away.

Their decision was for him to leave first.  And she would leave six months later so they could come home at the same time.  However, because we can only state our "availability" date rather than our desired date to enter the MTC, she ended up with a schedule that would have her come home a few months after he came home.  I pointed out that this was perfect.  He could get his old job back to earn some money.  Then he could get an apartment set up and ready for them to move into by the time they get married.

Before their mission, they decided that they didn't want to do anything to jeopardize their service to the Lord.  So, they agreed that they would not kiss each other until they came home.  That was "staying as far away from the cliff" as they could.

So far, it seems that they are both happy with their situation and they are both committed to the plan (and each other).  Although not formally engaged, they are both still planning on marrying each other.

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Here are my thoughts. Take them or leave them, as you see fit.

  • Full-time missionary service is an option for you, but unless you have received personal revelation from God instructing you to fulfill a full-time mission, your missionary service is strictly optional. You have no divine duty to serve a full-time mission. This does not make your potential service less valuable, just less imperative.
  • The highest "calling" (if I can call it that) for a young LDS man or woman is to marry and begin living your eternal life as husband and wife. If you want to serve God to the fullest and enjoy the unspeakable happiness God has in store for you, then making yourself worthy and ready for wifehood should be your top priority. Again, this doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't serve a mission. Just keep your priorities straight.
  • It sounds like your problem is largely one of timing, though I sense (perhaps incorrectly?) that there are other concerns in play. There are always other concerns. As for timing, you do your best and press forward.
  • If your boyfriend/fiancé is trying to pressure you to do Thing A vs. Thing B, I think your wisest course is to sit down with him immediately and have a sober, in-depth discussion about your relationship, your mutual expectations, and your own personal desires. My sense is that he ought not be instructing you on the appropriate way to live your life by telling you that you should not (or should) serve a mission. The sooner you each clarify your roles, responsibilities, desires, and intended paths, the sooner you can begin to adapt and compromise. Consider this a wakeup call of sorts, and decide whether or not you're comfortable with your fiancé/husband instructing you on how to make your decisions and live your life. If you are, so be it. If not, you should probably confront that issue now and put it to bed.
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The one thing that stands out to me in what you write is "He’s trying to recover from depression and anxiety before his mission, however, which will take him an extra 6 months of recovery before actually leaving." I live with people with depression and anxiety, and "recovery" has been "six months away" for about 15 years. I don't intend to be critical, nor do I intend to be pessimistic.  But you should be realistic in understanding that this is a huge variable that can turn out a lot of different ways.

  • Maybe he is able to begin service in 6 months and serves a two year mission without problem
  • Maybe he is delayed again and doesn't start serving for 10 months, but then completes a mission
  • Maybe he is able to begin service in 6 months, but the stress of a mission becomes too much and he returns home early
  • Maybe his is delayed, doesn't start serving for 10 months, and then still ends up returning early
  • Maybe he starts serving in six months, lasts a year, has a break down, returns home for 3 months, then returns to finish his last year.
  • Maybe he never develops enough stability to receive a mission call.

I will not judge him for any of those outcomes. His path is his path and I hope he receives all of the support he needs as he navigates that path. 

My point is, if you try to time your mission service around when he is either ready to go, or likely to return, you are very unlikely to succeed. There are too many things that could alter what actually happens, despite your best intentions and best laid plans. If you feel the call to serve a mission, and you are prepared to serve, then go now. The only reason I would recommend you delay your availability at all is if you are enrolled in school and need to finish your term before leaving. Otherwise, set your availability as soon as makes sense and let the Lord determine when you go. 

When you return, it really isn't of any concern whether your boyfriend has served a mission, a partial mission, or been unable to serve at all.  What matters most is that he prepares himself to make and keep covenants in the temple, has a heart willing to serve the Lord, and is an equal partner with you in managing your mutual and individual successes, failures, and conflicts.

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On 12/4/2022 at 1:25 AM, aLmOsTmIsSiOnArY said:

He’s trying to recover from depression and anxiety before his mission, 

As someone who lives with a lot of these, I’m just going to point out:

You don’t recover from depression.  You manage depression.  It’s likely going to be an issue all his life.  And if he can’t serve a mission for whatever reason, that reason is again likely to be something that will affect other aspects of life together—his ability to get along with people, ability to hold a job, ability to be a breadwinner, ability to help with kids, ability to sustain you in your life goals, etc.  I sort of get a vibe that you’re the “caretaker” in that relationship, and that’s gonna get old really fast.

Nineteen seems awfully young to get saddled with all of this.  I hope you tread carefully.

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