My boyfriend and I are mormom, but he is lacking a testimony about the gospel.


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I am curious if this page is still working, but... here I go.

We've been dating for almost two years, and we wish to get married after he graduates from college in two years. However, I told him I wanted to get sealed in the temple months ago. It's the biggest dream I have had since I was a kid. There was no problem with that topic, but later... he told me he didn't feel good sealing in the temple anymore. He doesn't feel welcome in the church. He didn't serve a mission, but I didn't care as long as he had his goal to be better as a person, morally and spiritually. He is the nicest and kindest man I've met in my life. He was with me when I needed someone in my hardest challenges, and he demonstrated that he is a good person with whom I'd like to share the rest of my life. I've been trying to help him find ways to feel something for months. But nothing worked. We get along so well, our bond is so strong, and he is someone worth it not to let go. We broke up for a couple of weeks last month to give ourselves a break to think better about what we wanted, but we got back together because we couldn't stand being without each other for that long. I don't know what options we have left if we want to be together without the risk of divorce due to this religious topic. Besides that challenge, we are so happy together.  

Do you think we should keep trying? Is it going to be even more challenging in the future? 😓

Edited by Brie Cheese
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  • Brie Cheese changed the title to My boyfriend and I are mormom, but he is lacking a testimony about the gospel.

Hi and welcome.

There's some wise advice I've heard: When people tell you/show you who they are, believe them.  Sounds like your BF is being honest.  So you can believe him when he tells you and shows you he's not temple sealing material.

Sounds like you've got a choice to make.  Either break up and find someone with a compatible view of faith/religion/church/the eternities, or marry him and give up on yours.  That means the probability that any kids will be raised outside the church.  People who don't feel welcome in the church, probably won't want their kids going.

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I agree with @NeuroTypical, but would also invite you to consider: what do you believe you, as a woman, ought to expect of a husband who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood?  Does it make a difference to you whether your children’s father holds the Melchizedek Priesthood?  Or, if he does hold it, whether he honors it and fulfills the obligations inherent to that priesthood?

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6 hours ago, Brie Cheese said:

I am curious if this page is still working, but... here I go.

We've been dating for almost two years, and we wish to get married after he graduates from college in two years. However, I told him I wanted to get sealed in the temple months ago. It's the biggest dream I have had since I was a kid. There was no problem with that topic, but later... he told me he didn't feel good sealing in the temple anymore. He doesn't feel welcome in the church. He didn't serve a mission, but I didn't care as long as he had his goal to be better as a person, morally and spiritually. He is the nicest and kindest man I've met in my life. He was with me when I needed someone in my hardest challenges, and he demonstrated that he is a good person with whom I'd like to share the rest of my life. I've been trying to help him find ways to feel something for months. But nothing worked. We get along so well, our bond is so strong, and he is someone worth it not to let go. We broke up for a couple of weeks last month to give ourselves a break to think better about what we wanted, but we got back together because we couldn't stand being without each other for that long. I don't know what options we have left if we want to be together without the risk of divorce due to this religious topic. Besides that challenge, we are so happy together.  

Do you think we should keep trying? Is it going to be even more challenging in the future? 😓

My take:

Break up. Immediately and permanently!

If you do not you will either live to severely regret it, or you will destroy your own testimony and abandon all that truly matters.

And, I'll add for the record, YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.

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1 hour ago, The Folk Prophet said:

I don't think that ought to be the decision making paradigm here.

I think it's actually the central point: What does she want? Does she want a Priesthood-holding (and honoring) husband to lead her home? If so, she needs to either move on or see if her fiancé is amenable to changing his outlook and actions. If not, then it's irrelevant. (Plus, if she truly doesn't care, it's unlikely that a Priesthood holder who honors his Priesthood will be willing to yoke himself to a wife who doesn't care about such things.)

This is a question of the OP being equally yoked. Before that can be determined, she needs to know what her own personal standards and requirements are.

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To quote a scripture...  "Have you inquired of the Lord?"

 

I mean I would hope and assume that you had and you didn't get anything you understood.  If you asked and got an answer then 'Just do it'... If you have not asked then again I say 'Just do it.'

 

Otherwise it seems like you are in a position to show your agency.  I mean that really is the whole point of being on earth.  We become what we choose to become, and you have a choice right now to make, that will help define the kind of person you become.

 

It that case you need to choose what kind of person you want to be, and make the choice that helps you get there

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13 hours ago, Vort said:

I think it's actually the central point: What does she want? Does she want a Priesthood-holding (and honoring) husband to lead her home? If so, she needs to either move on or see if her fiancé is amenable to changing his outlook and actions. If not, then it's irrelevant. (Plus, if she truly doesn't care, it's unlikely that a Priesthood holder who honors his Priesthood will be willing to yoke himself to a wife who doesn't care about such things.)

This is a question of the OP being equally yoked. Before that can be determined, she needs to know what her own personal standards and requirements are.

My point is that I think an important principle to understand and embrace is that we need to put aside what we want in favor of what the Lord wants for us -- the natural man being an enemy to God and all that.

Of course there's some semantics involved in the idea of "want" that makes such an idea debatable. At some level, we have to want to put aside what we want in favor of what the Lord wants. So, yeah...not totally irrelevant. But what I'm getting at is that if one accepts that the Lord knows better, then it behooves one to put aside natural desires in favor of whatever the Lord sees fit for us. It's an extremely important principle. Perhaps the most important one in life.

I mean the very idea in the OP where she says, "He didn't serve a mission, but I didn't care..." implies a problem from the get go. Whether she cares or not shouldn't be relative. Whether the Lord cares or not should be. Which, of course, leads to the question of why didn't he serve a mission. The implication seems to be that he simply didn't want to. That's a pretty big red flag. Her not caring about it shouldn't matter, because her understanding, clearly, is shortsighted. She needs to put her trust in things that are not shortsighted instead. Specifically...in God and the core principles of the gospel.

I guess in my mind, "equally yoked" doesn't matter much if the result is hell. And I dislike the premise that equally yoked is somehow viewed in certain cases as a priority over and above humility, faith and obedience. It's the same issue I take with people discussing "being one" or "unity" in the church as if that principle somehow outranks others.

We are not meant to be one, equally yoked, or unified in evil. The how of these things must always be in and through Christ and obedience to Him.

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On 2/1/2023 at 4:46 PM, The Folk Prophet said:

My take:

Break up. Immediately and permanently!

If you do not, you will either live to severely regret it, or you will destroy your own testimony and abandon all that truly matters.

And, I'll add for the record, YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS.

Thanks for your honesty, and I read your other comments too. But you're right... I already know this. He's a good guy. He didn't go on a mission because he was already late to decide (20), and he was in his 2nd year at the university... I know how important it is for men to go on a mission. Still, if he decided not to go because he felt he wasn't prepared at that point, I want to help him to understand better about the gospel (he reads all church material from the library app, and he knows the story of the restoration and everything, but the problem is that he doesn't feel the doctrine) I went through those same problems before. Still, I kept attending church and trying because I knew the gospel gives us something positive to live a happier life. I have a strong testimony about the church in the present. I've been reading and praying, and I see he's still trying to feel something, to gain a testimony. But that takes more time for some people to find it. I know the reason why I want to get sealed in the temple with my future exaltation. But I want to help him to understand why it is that important for him in his life. It may be because I can be empathetic toward people's feelings. I also don't want him to be alone. 

But there's something true too. I tried everything, and if that doesn't change anything... well, I know what the answer is at this point. Thanks

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13 hours ago, Brie Cheese said:

I know how important it is for men to go on a mission.

Let us be clear on this point. It is important for a man to do his duty. Full-time missionary service is today a duty of Melchizedek Priesthood holders of the appropriate age (young adult). The man who is capable of full-time missionary service and who serves a mission is fulfilling, at least in part, his Priesthood duty. The man who is capable of full-time missionary service but who does not serve a mission is shirking this particular Priesthood duty.

The act of serving a full-time mission can do great good for the spirit of the man who serves, and he in turn might do great good to those he serves. These are both wonderful things, maybe even miraculous. But it is the act of service, the willingness to obey and conform to what is required, the humility and determination to serve God and obey him despite the consequences, that is important. The missionary service per se may or may not be important.

In the long run, the man who serves a full-time mission and then abandons his covenants will surely be damned if he does not repent. The man who refuses to do his Priesthood duty by serving a full-time mission but repents and dedicates himself fully to serving God and being obedient to God's word will surely gain all that the Father has to give him. So the bare fact that this man did not serve a full-time mission is, in itself, merely a data point—perhaps an important one, but still, just a data point.

Vastly more concerning to my fatherly ears is that he does not want to participate in the kingdom of God or participate in temple ordinance work. He allows his shyness or hurt feelings or introverted nature or preoccupation with gaming or peer pressure or something else to deter him from performing a simple, straightforward duty: Attend his Church meetings and worship with the Saints. Yes, I call it a huge red flag. But if such things are not important to you, then it really doesn't make much difference.

Edited by Vort
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13 hours ago, Brie Cheese said:
16 hours ago, mordorbund said:

This is why we need arranged marriages.

I wish that may exist in the future... I don't want other people to go through what I've been through in this situation...

Given the modern state of dating among those of marriageable age, I unironically anticipate a cultural shift in the following generations that sees a resurgence of arranged marriages.

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Cato the Elder, a member of the Roman Senate, famously ended every oration with Carthago delenda est! ("Carthage must be destroyed!"). I think I should end every TH post from now on with "The edit function must be returned to the bottom of the post!"

Of course, Cato's wished annihilation of Carthage was not realized until after he died, so I suppose this would be my gift to future generations.

The edit function must be returned to the bottom of the post!

Edited by Vort
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14 hours ago, Brie Cheese said:

Thanks for your honesty, and I read your other comments too. But you're right... I already know this. He's a good guy. He didn't go on a mission because he was already late to decide (20), and he was in his 2nd year at the university... I know how important it is for men to go on a mission. Still, if he decided not to go because he felt he wasn't prepared at that point, I want to help him to understand better about the gospel (he reads all church material from the library app, and he knows the story of the restoration and everything, but the problem is that he doesn't feel the doctrine) I went through those same problems before. Still, I kept attending church and trying because I knew the gospel gives us something positive to live a happier life. I have a strong testimony about the church in the present. I've been reading and praying, and I see he's still trying to feel something, to gain a testimony. But that takes more time for some people to find it. I know the reason why I want to get sealed in the temple with my future exaltation. But I want to help him to understand why it is that important for him in his life. It may be because I can be empathetic toward people's feelings. I also don't want him to be alone. 

But there's something true too. I tried everything, and if that doesn't change anything... well, I know what the answer is at this point. Thanks

I should amend my "permanently" a bit I think. I say it because I believe that should be the commitment based on the current conditions. But.... conditions can change. I mean if he were to come to you a year later fully converted to the gospel and strongly faithful, etc., then "permanently" might not at that time apply. But you should be very, very, VERY careful about who you marry. And marrying someone who is faithful and righteous above all else matters so much more than being in love and getting along. I'm not saying you shouldn't be in love or get along. I'm just suggesting a priority hierarchy. #1 should always be God and the gospel. In everything! And most particularly in whom we marry. Marriage is, after all, the pinnacle covenant we can make in this life. It it the culmination of all else we do in the gospel. It is the core unit of godhood itself! It is sacred beyond compare.

Edited by The Folk Prophet
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21 minutes ago, Vort said:

Cato the Elder, a member of the Roman Senate, famously ended every oratory with Carthago delenda est! ("Carthage must be destroyed!"). I think I should end every TH post from now on with "The edit function must be returned to the bottom of the post!"

Of course, Cato's wished annihilation of Carthage was not realized until after he died, so I suppose this would be my gift to future generations.

HEAR! HEAR! (IOW: AUDITE! AUDITE!)

Edited by Carborendum
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3 hours ago, Brie Cheese said:

Hello, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I broke up with him for the best. It will take a little bit to get over it but it won't be the end of the world. But again, thanks for your words. It helped me a lot.

I know that's hard. And I don't know you... but by golly I feel proud of you anyhow!

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/4/2023 at 1:59 PM, Brie Cheese said:

Hello, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I broke up with him for the best. It will take a little bit to get over it but it won't be the end of the world. But again, thanks for your words. It helped me a lot.

Seek Christ-like things in places Christ-followers go.

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