Deep breath....

[writingpedantic]

Take a deep breath, I tell myself, and post the most outrageous question that you can probably imagine the answer to:

Is there ever any hope for a single mother to be married again?

I hear so few stories about women who were abused in one way or another during a very bad marriage and end up with a prince charming later. Things go south and you just HAVE to get out. But you have a child so when those strings, threads (or ropes as some may be) are cut, you can feel like an outcast. You are viewed as "tainted goods" as one close friend of mine put it. Young LDS men want to start a family but don't want one already started for them when they get there. Most men mature enough or old enough that don't have serious issues, can be temple worthy and would even consider dating someone in my situation is so rare that it DOES take an act of faith to hold out hope for it.

I know that there is one special person, one exact, specific person out there for me. I was told so in my patriarchal blessing. I know that the person I was with before was NOT it. Now I wait and listen and hope... and wait some more. But it's so frustrating to pass the time alone, as it were and would love to date for fun. But that's not likely to happen!

I don't mean to throw a pity party and I'm not depressed about this or anything. I accept it as a possible fact when sizing up any worthy guy. I just needed to vent and rant a little bit because no one else really understands it. I pray you all have the spirit to be with you.

April

[Gwen]

i know several single moms that have found someone that they seem very happy with. so to answer your question yes there is hope. i would suggest getting out to some activities on occassion, if you aren't already (i know it's hard when taking care of a kid too). all parents need to get out of that role for bit on occassion. :)

[Canuck Mormon]

I would agree with what Gwen said. I was in a similar situation, except I was a single dad. I thought the same thing, who wants someone with a child already. Well, it took a few years (2) but this past July I married a wonderful woman in the Temple. It may sound corny, but, we met on ldsmingle.com. Give it a try, you never know.

Good Luck!!!!!

[a-train]

I'll be frank. The men of this Church are either upstanding and worthy or bums. My mother was widowed with three children at the age of 25. She dated for 10 years to find out the reasons why the various men she was dating had been divorced or were still single: they were bums. Most of them had had more than one divorce. She really dated many men. She even dated outside the Church.

She eventually dated some good LDS men who through some circumstance similar to hers were single and in their 30s or 40s. However, her tastes were too certain and these suitors did NOT meet her expectations. She let her worldly desires get in the way. She wanted a good Mormon man, but if he couldn't afford the lifestyle she was looking for, she passed. She came close to marrying a rich non-Mormon once, but found that he was abusive during their engagement and broke it off. She is now 50 and she gave up on both the Church and dating a long time ago.

My advice is to enjoy being single and have fun dating. Be open to doors the LORD opens and marry a good man, not a wallet or a piece of art or the first bum that walks through the door.

Perhaps my opening statement began with a sour tone, but the truth is that I have little doubt that you will receive every opportunity to re-marry in this life if you are willing to have fun and keep your eye single.

-a-train

[~Sarah~]

I have 2 family members who married people they met on internet dating sites. One of them LDS, one of them not. But are VERY happy.

[Doctor Steuss]

Take a deep breath, I tell myself, and post the most outrageous question that you can probably imagine the answer to:

Is there ever any hope for a single mother to be married again?

Three of my uncles married divorced women who had children. I have dated a few gals who have kids (although none of them were LDS).

There's hope.

[checkerboy]

Ok pedantic,

I married a girl with a daughter my first go around and it didn't bother me. Now that I am getting divorced I worry about finding someone too. I have two boys and wonder if any woman out there wants to have two extra kids. So anyway, I live in Idaho so after I am divorced I will head down to Utah and look you up. :)

[siouxz72]

Hi Pedantic! (great name, btw!)

My own dear mum was divorced with 3 kids and she met and married my daddy. He was actually her home teacher of all things! I often tell him that he is such an outstanding example of a Great Man. For him to take on those three kids (no offense mightynancy but you know what i mean..have you met our brothers?!) and all that he did and does for them, for my mom and then for me and my little brother is so awesome I barely have words to express the love and respect that I have for him. So, yes! Yes, there is hope! It will happen! :)

[Canuck Mormon]

Smooth Checker, real smooth.

[prisonchaplain]

Questions, questions:

1. I refuse to understand or agree with marrying outside the faith. Celibacy is preferable, and I am convinced Scripture backs me up.

2. I'm wondering what the LDS teaching is on divorce and remarriage. Most evangelicals believe that remarriage is only permissable when the divorce happens due to unfaithfulness (adultery) or abandonment. BTW, our clergy cannot remarry, so long as their former spouse is living, regardless of the cause (there is now an exception for cases in which the divorce happened prior to conversion to Christianity).

3. Slow and steady wins the race. Talking marriage on date #2 is a definite turn off.

4. Men (yes, old fashioned, I know): Have a plan, plan to pay, be polite, but also be natural. Also...listen, listen, listen.

5. Ladies, less really is more. Clothing can be casual, but should be modest. Talk can be confident, but let the poor fellow get a few side thoughts in.

Bonus: If all us fails, do what I did, and date your roommate's sister. :-)

[ztodd]

LDS teaching on divorce and remarriage? You shouldn't get divorced unless it's absolutely necessary. But I don't think you'll find church authorities giving hard fast rules on what makes it absolutely necessary. My opinion... generally it is not justified unless some type of serious abuse or infidelity is involved and the offender is unrepentant and/or dangerous. It can be a pretty darn tough issue. I wouldn't trust anyone but the Lord to make decisions like that.. (I'd be praying til there was no mistaking the answer)

[MorningStar]

I know lots of remarried single moms. Don't lose hope! :)

[Aphrodite]

My Mum and Dad divorced and he married a lady with two young kids, 3 and 8 and hes 52! There are good men out there, not all are either bums or peter prieshoods like someone suggested. There are men out there who might have kids themselves. Ur still young, it can happen for you! Dont give up :)

[vanessa]

hola amigos de todo el mundo

[Silver Girl]

I was married to my first hubby for 12 agonizing years... He was an alcoholic and drug user, abusive, and unrepentant adulterer and semi-anti-church... Our relationship was a disaster... The only good that has come out of it is 4 great kids, and my resolve to never let anyone abuse me again... I spent almost 3 years single, and in therapy/rape councelling...

I met my new hubby 6 years ago, and he is the most wonderful man I have ever had the fourtune to meet... He is my rock, my everything!! He is an active Preisthood holder, a terrific hubby and a spectacular Father... He and I got married in March of 2002, we were Sealed in the Temple in October of 2002, and he adopted my kids in December of 2003... We have had many trials, but we are more in love, and more committed than the day we married...

"Happily Ever After" is possible... It takes a LOT of work, but it is possible!!

My 2 Cents!!

Silver Girl

[SMG]

Don't let being single get you down. My Mom raised my brother and I by herself after she became widowed. We've turned out alright and she's alright.

I beg you to not make the mistake some family members of mine have made and marry the first man who shows an interest in you. Some people are on their best behavior until after the "I do's" are said. My poor aunt found that out the hard way. =(

[Raggman84]

An old friend of mine married in his late teens He had two little girls. He found out that his wife had been cheating on him. He forgave her the first time but the second time it was over.

He eventually met a lovely lady who had a little boy around the same age my friend's little girls. I think within less than a year they were married. Eventually they were all sealed in the temple.

I have an Aunt who's husband foolishly divorced her, left the country and married another woman. He left behind all his children and everything. A few years later my Aunt married another man and after 13 years of marriage they are still together.

My Aunt has been in contact with her first husband over the internet. He wishes that he could go back and stop himself from doing what he did. What's done is done though.

Sometimes people do some foolish things. Other times things just happen putting people in a situation of being a single parent. Once someone becomes a single parent it doesn't mean they will be a single parent forever.

Edited July 6, 2008 by Raggman84

[prospectmom]

When I was divorce I was treated very differently and not very Christ like by many members.......... I learned from that experience to have a sence fo humor. not to take to heart what comes out of some members mouths, ( its their own issues not mine) and to just be you not matter the fall out . I ended up with an inactive member and because of my problems with my ward , ended up not active for awhilebut I have some families who were always there for me for love. freindship and support. Those members made all the difference for me...

[MarginOfError]

Statistically speaking, I thinkt he odds may be against single moms. But let's hope you can beat the odds.

I've dated a few women that had kids. Didn't work out with any of them, for various reasons (in one case, the girl was a stripper! Talk about an awkward date).

Anyway, I once even tried getting a girl 8 years older than me with two kids to go out with me. Apparently she wasn't into 23 year olds. So, there are good guys out there. Be careful with checkers though, he'll jump all over ya. :-)

[VisionOfLehi]

My mom and dad divorced when I was nine.

My mom dated a couple guys over the next 5 years. They all sucked. For most of this time it was just my younger bro and I living with my mom, and my older bro with my dad. We hated these guys.

When I was 14 we moved, to be closer to my grandma. It was only a couple months after that when my mom met a guy online through yahoo. They hit it off online, and then when they met.

And the guy passed the ALL IMPORTANT kid test. I was 14, which made my younger bro 13. We didn't dislike him, he didn't give us any bad vibes.

They got a house together and we moved when I was 15. They married a few months later. Happily married since (I'm now 20.)

He also has a son (his ex-wife's that he adopted at a young age, who is around the same age as my older brother, only a couple years older than myself.)

I don't call him dad (I call my dad that!), but I do consider him a parent and close family.

Also, I'm the only member in my family and I joined on my 19th birthday. Religion wasn't a thing, but I hope that doesn't make a difference in the point of my story!

Anyway... Keep your eye out for a guy. Don't close off any potential venues for dating, as long as you play it safe! And if you get any bad vibes, cut and run.

Eventually they'll need to meet your kid. Kids don't always like new people, and she may not, but you should make sure she doesn't have any "bad vibes" from the guy. Kids are much more intuitive about those things.

I know you'll find someone! Finding someone who not only meets your qualifications, but your daughter's as well will be a little more difficult... Yet there are plenty of testimonials that there's hope!

[aranyborju]

My friend was married as a single mom 3 different times!

You probably aren't looking for 4 divorces, but I think that it at least shows that it can be done.

[Aklegrand]

I was trying to bite my tongue but I'm going to put my two cents in anyways....I'm 26. My husband was killed just over a year ago. I remarried in January, just 6 months after he was killed. I met him on LDSsingle.com. He seemed great, until we said "I Do" then it all went down hill. Needless to say, I'm a widow with two toddlers, and now a divorcee with a baby on the way. I obviously wasn't ready and went for the first guy that showed interest because I was afraid of being a single mom for the rest of my life. I'm to the point now where I'd rather be single and lonely than in an abusive relationship. It sucks being a single parent, especially at night. I honestly can't picture someone coming along that would be willing and able to take on my baggage. But I guess you can't lose hope. We are here to have joy right? So someone is bound to come along eventually.

Ashley

[FunkyTown]

I thought I'd chime in with something here. I'm a member and have been for almost seven years, but I joined the church at the age of 26, which in my area(It's a small area of LDS), meant that everyone was already married. I understand what you're saying about guys not wanting to date divorcees with children and it comes down to a few things:

1) People wonder what caused the divorce. There are always underlying problems that lead in to divorce and, only in the rarest of cases, is the fault entirely one-sided. Single guys wonder what happened and, if contemplating marriage, whether it would happen again.

2) Divorce carries baggage, and I'm not talking about a beautiful child. People who have been hurt will tend not to trust. Some guys have dated divorcees where their fears were palpable enough to force serious rifts in future relationships because they believe the new guy is going to be just like their old guy, so they're always on guard.

3) Guys wonder about the ex. Will he be in the child's life? When you treat the child with love and compassion, she still has to have her dad in her life. What if he disagrees with parenting decisions you've made? There isn't a guy out there who wouldn't be afraid of hearing, "You're not my Dad!"(Which is almost inevitable given that parenting involves sometimes denying them what they want - And all children go through a rebellious phase.)

It's hard - Yes, there are people out there who will be able to sweep you off your feet and treat you the way you deserve. It's just going to take effort, courage, strength and understanding from both of you to make it work.