Global warming and the zombie threat.

[Fiannan]

A day ago my number two son and I sat over a bottle of wine and he suggested that if global warming caused temperatures to increase, then we would see an escalation in the number of zombie attacks because, obviously, there would be less cold weather, which everybody knows slows attacks from the undead. I wrote this up in the approved New York Times format, and, to my astonishment, some people thought I was joking.

I was not. The post was in earnest and was an attempt to put into perspective the hundreds, if not thousands, of “studies” that purport to show the ills that will befall us when global warming finally strikes. There are three problems with these studies.

The first is their ridiculous variety, nowhere better cataloged than at NumberWatch’s “Warm List“. That page contains links, mostly to news reports to studies that ask us to believe that, for example, lizards will undergo sex changes, there will be “waves of rape“, a rash of camel deaths will occur, the Earth will spin faster (hold on!), and, worst and most frightening of all, there will be an increase in lawyers (to handle all the “who’s fault is it?” litigation, you see).

William M. Briggs, Statistician » Zombies no joke: global warming can cause anything

Oh my, now another thing to worry about. Is Al Gore infected? He needs to make a bigger deal about this.

[Canuck Mormon]

Al Gore does remind me of a zombie. Make-up is a wonderful thing

[NeuroTypical]

That NumberWatch's 'warm list' is quite a list. One would think that advocates of global warming concerns would wish to draw attention to it.

On the list:

A complete list of things caused by global warming

Acne, agricultural land increase, Africa devastated, African aid threatened, Africa hit hardest, air pressure changes, Alaska reshaped, allergies increase, Alps melting, Amazon a desert, American dream end, amphibians breeding earlier (or not), ancient forests dramatically changed, animals head for the hills, Antarctic grass flourishes, Antarctic ice grows, Antarctic ice shrinks, anxiety, algal blooms, archaeological sites threatened, Arctic bogs melt, Arctic in bloom, Arctic ice free, Arctic lakes disappear, asthma, Atlantic less salty, Atlantic more salty, atmospheric defiance, atmospheric circulation modified, attack of the killer jellyfish, avalanches reduced, avalanches increased, Baghdad snow, bananas destroyed, bananas grow, beetle infestation, bet for $10,000, better beer, big melt faster, billion dollar research projects, billions face risk, billions of deaths, bird distributions change, bird visitors drop, birds return early, birds driven north, blackbirds stop singing, blizzards, blue mussels return, bluetongue, boredom, bridge collapse (Minneapolis), Britain Siberian, British gardens change, brothels struggle, bubonic plague, budget increases, Buddhist temple threatened, building collapse, building season extension, bushfires, business opportunities, business risks, butterflies move north, camel deaths, cancer deaths in England, cardiac arrest, caterpillar biomass shift, cave paintings threatened, challenges and opportunities, childhood insomnia, Cholera, circumcision in decline, cirrus disappearance, civil unrest, cloud increase, cloud stripping, cockroach migration, cod go south, cold climate creatures survive, cold spells (Australia), computer models, conferences, coral bleaching, coral reefs dying, coral reefs grow, coral reefs shrink , cold spells, cost of trillions, cougar attacks, cremation to end, crime increase, crocodile sex, crumbling roads, buildings and sewage systems, cyclones (Australia), damages equivalent to $200 billion, Darfur, Dartford Warbler plague, death rate increase (US), Dengue hemorrhagic fever, dermatitis, desert advance, desert life threatened, desert retreat, destruction of the environment, diarrhoea, disappearance of coastal cities, diseases move north, Dolomites collapse, drought, drowning people, ducks and geese decline, dust bowl in the corn belt, early marriages, early spring, earlier pollen season, Earth biodiversity crisis, Earth dying, Earth even hotter, Earth light dimming, Earth lopsided, Earth melting, Earth morbid fever, Earth on fast track, Earth past point of no return, Earth slowing down, Earth spinning out of control, Earth spins faster, Earth to explode, earth upside down, Earth wobbling, earthquakes, El Niño intensification, end of the world as we know it, erosion, emerging infections, encephalitis, equality threatened, Europe simultaneously baking and freezing, evolution accelerating, expansion of university climate groups, extinctions (human, civilisation, logic, Inuit, smallest butterfly, cod, ladybirds, bats, pandas, pikas, polar bears, pigmy possums, gorillas, koalas, walrus, whales, frogs, toads, turtles, orang-utan, elephants, tigers, plants, salmon, trout, wild flowers, woodlice, penguins, a million species, half of all animal and plant species, mountain species, not polar bears, barrier reef, leaches), experts muzzled, extreme changes to California, fading fall foliage, famine, farmers go under, fashion disaster, fever,figurehead sacked, fir cone bonanza, fish catches drop, fish downsize, fish catches rise, fish stocks at risk, fish stocks decline, five million illnesses, flesh eating disease, flood patterns change, floods, floods of beaches and cities, Florida economic decline, flowers in peril, food poisoning, food prices rise, food prices soar, food security threat (SA), footpath erosion, forest decline, forest expansion, frostbite, frosts, fungi fruitful, fungi invasion, games change, Garden of Eden wilts, genetic diversity decline, gene pools slashed, giant squid migrate, gingerbread houses collapse, glacial earthquakes, glacial retreat, glacial growth, glacier wrapped, global cooling, global dimming, glowing clouds, god melts, golf Masters wrecked, Gore omnipresence, grandstanding, grasslands wetter, Great Barrier Reef 95% dead, Great Lakes drop, greening of the North, Grey whales lose weight, Gulf Stream failure, habitat loss, Hantavirus pulmonary syndrome, harvest increase, harvest shrinkage, hay fever epidemic, hazardous waste sites breached, health of children harmed, heart disease, heart attacks and strokes (Australia), heat waves, hibernation ends too soon, hibernation ends too late, homeless 50 million, hornets, high court debates, human development faces unprecedented reversal, human fertility reduced, human health improvement, human health risk, human race oblivion, hurricanes, hurricane reduction, hydropower problems, hyperthermia deaths, ice sheet growth, ice sheet shrinkage, illness and death, inclement weather, infrastructure failure (Canada), Inuit displacement, Inuit poisoned, Inuit suing, industry threatened, infectious diseases, inflation in China, insurance premium rises, invasion of cats, invasion of herons, invasion of midges, island disappears, islands sinking, itchier poison ivy, jellyfish explosion, Kew Gardens taxed, kitten boom, krill decline, lake and stream productivity decline, lake shrinking and growing, landslides, landslides of ice at 140 mph, lawsuits increase, lawsuit successful, lawyers' income increased (surprise surprise!), lightning related insurance claims, little response in the atmosphere, lush growth in rain forests, Lyme disease, Malaria, malnutrition, mammoth dung melt, Maple syrup shortage, marine diseases, marine food chain decimated, marine dead zone, Meaching (end of the world), megacryometeors, Melanoma, methane emissions from plants, methane burps, melting permafrost, Middle Kingdom convulses, migration, migration difficult (birds), microbes to decompose soil carbon more rapidly, monkeys on the move, Mont Blanc grows, monuments imperiled, more bad air days, more research needed, mortality increased, mountain (Everest) shrinking, mountains break up, mountains taller, mortality lower, mudslides, National security implications, natural disasters quadruple, new islands, next ice age, Nile delta damaged, noctilucent clouds, no effect in India, Northwest Passage opened, nuclear plants bloom, oaks dying, oaks move north, oblivion, ocean acidification, ocean waves speed up, opera house to be destroyed, outdoor hockey threatened, oyster diseases, ozone loss, ozone repair slowed, ozone rise, Pacific dead zone, personal carbon rationing, pest outbreaks, pests increase, phenology shifts, plankton blooms, plankton destabilised, plankton loss, plant viruses, plants march north, polar bears aggressive, polar bears cannibalistic, polar bears drowning, polar bears starve, polar tours scrapped, porpoise astray, profits collapse, psychosocial disturbances, puffin decline, railroad tracks deformed, rainfall increase, rainfall reduction, rape wave, refugees, reindeer larger, release of ancient frozen viruses, resorts disappear, rice threatened, rice yields crash, riches, rift on Capitol Hill, rioting and nuclear war, rivers dry up, river flow impacted, rivers raised, roads wear out, rockfalls, rocky peaks crack apart, roof of the world a desert, rooftop bars, Ross river disease, ruins ruined, salinity reduction, salinity increase, Salmonella, salmon stronger, satellites accelerate, school closures, sea level rise, sea level rise faster, seals mating more, sewer bills rise, severe thunderstorms, sex change, sharks booming, sharks moving north, sheep shrink, shop closures, shrimp sex problems, shrinking ponds, shrinking shrine, ski resorts threatened, slow death, smaller brains, smog, snowfall increase, snowfall heavy, snowfall reduction, soaring food prices, societal collapse, songbirds change eating habits, sour grapes, space problem, spiders invade Scotland, squid population explosion, squirrels reproduce earlier, spectacular orchids, storms wetter, stormwater drains stressed, street crime to increase, suicide, Tabasco tragedy, taxes, tectonic plate movement, teenage drinking, terrorism, threat to peace, ticks move northward (Sweden), tides rise, tourism increase, trade barriers, trade winds weakened, tree beetle attacks, tree foliage increase (UK), tree growth slowed, trees could return to Antarctic, trees in trouble, trees less colourful, trees more colourful, trees lush, tropics expansion, tropopause raised, tsunamis, turtles crash, turtles lay earlier, UK coastal impact, UK Katrina, Vampire moths, Venice flooded, volcanic eruptions, walrus displaced, walrus pups orphaned, walrus stampede, war, wars over water, wars sparked, wars threaten billions, water bills double, water supply unreliability, water scarcity (20% of increase), water stress, weather out of its mind, weather patterns awry, weeds, Western aid cancelled out, West Nile fever, whales move north, wheat yields crushed in Australia, white Christmas dream ends, wildfires, wind shift, wind reduced, wine - harm to Australian industry, wine industry damage (California), wine industry disaster (US), wine - more English, wine -German boon, wine - no more French , winters in Britain colder, wolves eat more moose, wolves eat less, workers laid off, World bankruptcy, World in crisis, World in flames, Yellow fever.

[Fiannan]

He warned us man...now it may be too late!!!!

[Fiannan]

Beware!!! Did anyone see Resident Evil 3? Zombies ate Salt Lake City while zombie infected birds ate Las Vegas!!!!!

[Moksha]

"Listen to us, global warming is not
a problem if you subscribe to global
refrigeration. Sign up today..."

[Palerider]

according to gore's doomsday prediction....we only have about 8 yrs left to live before global warming kills us.....we have all survived the Ted Danson doomsday prediction....:eek::eek:

[Rebky]

and why are we having one of the coldest winters on record?

[Palerider]

and why are we having one of the coldest winters on record?

because Al Gore said so........

[Moksha]

and why are we having one of the coldest winters on record?

It was the warmest summer on record 2007 in SLC. BTW, did everybody know the glaciers are all melting?

[Fiannan]

It was the warmest summer on record 2007 in SLC. BTW, did everybody know the glaciers are all melting?

Oh no, maybe that's why SLC gets eaten by zombies in Resident Evil 3. By the way, can you do baptism for the dead if a dead relative is still roaming the streets and eating people's brains? And would a zombie have to repent for doing this? Al Gore where are you when we really need you????Are you flying in your private jet to vacation in the tropics or going for a Sunday drive in your SUV?

Oh, and not to sound like I am being critical of the eco-religion but when the Vikings arrived in Greenland a thousand years ago didn't they find a nice, fertile and warm place to settle? Then it got cold and wiped out their colonies within two centuries? Could it be we have natural weather cycles that aren't affected by man all that much?

[john doe]

Just so everyone who doesn't play video games or watch the movies knows, the only way to get a sure kill on a zombie is to shoot them in the head. Apparently, hits to the body only serve to slow them down a little. Shotguns are the most effective at this, but it is possible to do it with handguns as well. Some versions have to be completely decapitated. Playing the original Timesplitters (not Timesplitters2) video game will help hone your skills to survive when dealing with zombies.

If this information was helpful to you, please don't hesitate to thank me with the new thank feature.

[pushka]

LOL Fiannan!! This has to be one of your best threads yet!! :)

[StudMuff]

Who cares about a punch of drowning polar bears, they suck anyways. Same with penguins, who cares. March of the Penguins was the worst movie ever, screw penguins.

[Fiannan]

Zombie survival quiz:

Quiz - Would You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse? - Quizilla Quizzes

[Moksha]

Who cares about a punch of drowning polar bears, they suck anyways. Same with penguins, who cares. March of the Penguins was the worst movie ever, screw penguins.

Heretic!!!

[pushka]

Heretic!!!

I agree Moksha!!!

I love penguins and polar bears!! Leave them alone Stud!

[Rebky]

because Al Gore said so........

And he's brilliant of course. (I think I figured out how the quote thing works...)

[Rebky]

It was the warmest summer on record 2007 in SLC. BTW, did everybody know the glaciers are all melting?

...and the sky is falling too!

[a-train]

It is really interesting how the masses will fear the doom of global warming, but reject the notion that Washington is full of corruption. It's not the sky that is falling, its the value of our dollar and the morality of our nation.

-a-train

[Fiannan]

It is really interesting how the masses will fear the doom of global warming, but reject the notion that Washington is full of corruption. It's not the sky that is falling, its the value of our dollar and the morality of our nation.

-a-train

Herd mentality -- the leaders in business and in government know exactly how the psychology of the herd operates.

[Rebky]

It is really interesting how the masses will fear the doom of global warming, but reject the notion that Washington is full of corruption. It's not the sky that is falling, its the value of our dollar and the morality of our nation.

-a-train

Exactly!

[Still_Small_Voice]

In the end the American people only have themselves to blame for what they have done to their nation. Is it any wonder that some of the first words of the United States Constitution are "WE THE PEOPLE"? When the American people truly want their liberty they will act accordingly.

[Moksha]

...and the sky is falling too!

Oh yeah? Well here is documented evidence of the zombie menace.

"Zombie gun slingers need psychoanalysis free from feminism"

- Sigmund Freud

[Fiannan]

Now this is funny:

And I like Bush -- but hey, it is funny.