Ours is a complicated situation... thoughts?


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I'll make this short and sweet because I'm very eager to hear your opinions.

I met Jess on the Internet. She's wonderful, everything I had ever wanted, yada yada engagement. We are deeply in love. However she resides in Utah, while I live in New Zealand. We still talk to each other by phone, and it's fine. we play WoW together :P.

Now, I have yet to go on a mission, I will do so in July. Afterwards, we're going to get married in Manti, then move to NZ for a couple of years while she makes money for a nest egg and I get some degrees. then we'll move back to the US to start a family.

Fine, right? well, you see, she's coming over to visit for about a week or two before I leave on my mission. Now, the problem is, we've been together for 5 months, and engaged for two weeks or so. we haven't even held each other's hand and we won't see each other again for two more years. Both of us are getting a little worried that something... untimely could happen.

Any thoughts? How can we avoid slipping? should she even come at all? have you had a similar situation? Please let us know your opinions.

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Stay in places where you won't be tempted. That means don't ever be alone in a house together. Don't stay in a parked car alone. I would recommend (and it was a good policy for us during engagement) that you set a curfew of midnight. When she visits, she should not stay in your house, even in a different room with your family there. Arrange for her to stay with a friend or a member of the ward.

Above all, discuss your ground rules beforehand. Once again, let me stress that you should not be alone in a private place together where something tragic may happen. Go to the grocery. Go to a restaurant. Go someplace in town where you can sit on a bench and have a private conversation in a public place. Have dinner together with your family. Plan for success, and it won't be hard to achieve.

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i agree with nate, you have to decide and make the ground rules before you get to the situation. i had to travel some (though compared to you it's nothing) when hubby and i were dating. i found staying at an older chruch members home helped a lot cuse they went to bed by 9:30 and i didn't want to be disturbing them by comming in at midnight so the nights always ended early enough to be safe. lol

i would also recomend spending as much time in person together as you can before marriage, may not be able to before your mission but after you can. being in person isn't the same as on the computer, you should get to know eachother as much as you can in that situation. just my 2 cents.

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I have been in almost the identical position I got engaged to my husband unofficially in the November and met him for real in March. (we officially got engaged 3 days later)

We made the temple, family and church the focus of our time together - I took out my endowment in San Diego just after we met. We were very tempted it was hard we were just so comfortable together (that is something I would watch for), it was hard to remember we weren't already married as it felt like we had been together for years, it felt like reuniting rather than meeting for the first time. Our engagement was hard for us - make sure you give her plenty of blessings, spend time with your parents and go to church.

-Charley

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I agree. You two should spend time together. Put the physical expressions to the side for a bit and get to know each other. You need all of your senses to get to know a person. You need to see her and feel spirit in person. It is never a bad idea to meet her family. And let her meet yours before you commit to an engagement. There is much that you need to know. Marriage -- it is a big thing with lots of moving parts!!

If you want to stay safe, you could also set a curfew. When she comes to visit, make sure she is staying at a neighbors or another family members house -- even a hotel. But don't see each other after a certain hour. If you are going to talk all night, do so over the phone. But kiss goodnight and see each other in the morning. Don't fall asleep on the couch together.

Go on group dates. Stay with people. Or if you start feeling tempted, don't flirt with it or push it. Change the setting. Get UP! Go for a walk. Go shopping or visiting. Stay busy will fun things to do. Don't make cuddling and affection your number one activity!!!

Happy for you. Remember also, that you have a mission to serve. Your heart is not yours to give to her yet. Father wants it first. Being so committed before you go is not an impossible situation. But be prepared for feelings that may come once you enter the MTC. I used to work there. I spent lots of hours in the halls with tearful elders holding the letters of their girlfriends. It is hard work to stay focused and committed anyway. Homesickness is part of it. But homesickness and lovesickness is a difficult proposition for a lot of young men. When your heart and mind need to be on and about the work, the adversary will tempt you and distract you and invite you into thoughts that keep you from feeling the full power of the mission experience. Not that this will be you, just that others have been there and have seen some of these pitfalls. Two years is a long time. People grow and change. We want our missionaries to grow and change. And she will change too!! I have seen some of my dearest friends stay committed and get married. But far more have I seen reading really painful letters because their one and only didn't wait for them.

I am not saying this is you or your sweetheart. Everything may work flawlessly for you. I am saying BE WISE! And, know before you go!

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It sounds to me like you are jumping the gun a bit. I understand having feelings for someone you met online, but becoming engaged, especially if you plan on serving a mission? That just doesn't make sense to me. You've been talking online and on the phone for 5 months, but you still don't know each other. If you two are meant to be then she'll be there when you return. Your focus right now should be on your mission and nothing else. Plus, you don't want to risk doing something that would prevent you from serving, do you? I'd suggest you both stay where you are until after your mission. There's too much at stake for you to be doing things backwards.

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Guest HappyHarrytheHedonHawaian

ARMS LENGTH, AURISATH, ARMS LENGTH ! Man are you guys going to complicate things with her visiting you just before you embark on 2 long years of separation!

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I'm very eager to hear your opinions.

Any thoughts?

Please let us know your opinions.

My opinion: Follow everyone's advice about how to not fall prey to temptation while you are together.

Then, go on your mission and serve your two years. If you two are still communicating with each other after that, feel free to pursue a relationship. But for the love of pete, spend a year in the same town as her before you get married.

LM

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These are great points - don't allow this girl to become an impediment to your missionary service. The scriptures say that a gift given grudgingly profits us not at all. You need to be able to stop thinking about her and go to work, or else you will likely feel anger that missionary service takes you away from her. Get to know each other better in the time you have, but do not allow this relationship to consume your thoughts. A lot can happen in 2 years, and if she's the right one, she'll be there when you come back. Don't obsess.

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after 5 months of talking to each other especially online they will know each other in someways better than a couple who has a conventional dating then marriage - you are forced to communicate with an online relationship or on the phone and it can be very intense. A meeting in real life can confirm was the person telling me the truth and are we comfortable together. I think my husband and I communicated much more in our online relationship than we do now as we don't have to talk

-Charley

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Who's Pete? I thought he was in love with Jess? ;)

I thought we all knew - Pete was the guy who fell out of the boat.

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM's Kid #1: "Pete and re-Pete were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?"

LM's Kid #2: "Re-Pete!"

LM: "Knock it off or I'm selling you both to the gypsies again!"

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I'll make this short and sweet because I'm very eager to hear your opinions.

I met Jess on the Internet. She's wonderful, everything I had ever wanted, yada yada engagement. We are deeply in love. However she resides in Utah, while I live in New Zealand. We still talk to each other by phone, and it's fine. we play WoW together :P.

Now, I have yet to go on a mission, I will do so in July. Afterwards, we're going to get married in Manti, then move to NZ for a couple of years while she makes money for a nest egg and I get some degrees. then we'll move back to the US to start a family.

Fine, right? well, you see, she's coming over to visit for about a week or two before I leave on my mission. Now, the problem is, we've been together for 5 months, and engaged for two weeks or so. we haven't even held each other's hand and we won't see each other again for two more years. Both of us are getting a little worried that something... untimely could happen.

Any thoughts? How can we avoid slipping? should she even come at all? have you had a similar situation? Please let us know your opinions.

To be honest, I'm worried that your focus is in the wrong place right now. You wouldn't be the first guy who was "tempted" by a girl right before his mission. Be wise.

The time and place (I think) for romantic involvement like this, is AFTER your mission. Until then, girls are a distraction.

You will do what you want, of course, but I thought I would share my immediate impressions after reading your post. I am sure she is a wonderful gal -- just hold-off on the serious dating and engagement. Stay friends. If it is meant to be, she'll be there when you get home! I promise!

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To be honest, I'm worried that your focus is in the wrong place right now. You wouldn't be the first guy who was "tempted" by a girl right before his mission. Be wise.

The time and place (I think) for romantic involvement like this, is AFTER your mission. Until then, girls are a distraction.

You will do what you want, of course, but I thought I would share my immediate impressions after reading your post. I am sure she is a wonderful gal -- just hold-off on the serious dating and engagement. Stay friends. If it is meant to be, she'll be there when you get home! I promise!

Well said, Thomas.
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  • 2 weeks later...

Your situation sounds almost identical to mine when I met my now husband. We've been married for almost 10 years and things have been hard, but worth it. He came to AZ from England for an entire month to spend with me which is when we got officially engaged, we had only talked about getting married before that. I have to tell you that there is no way to REALLY know someone until you spend time with them in person, despite how wonderful and perfect they may seem. In our case, his temper was worse than I ever imagined and to him, I was way too laid back and mellow (complete opposites). Of course that wasn't enough to keep us from getting married but those two things have consistently been the source of a lot of our trials as a couple. So just keep in mind that there may be some sides of eachother that you may not discover until you spend a lot of time together and see eachother at your worst. As for the actual visit and not wanting to get into a situation you don't want to find yourself in.....ultimately it's just going to come down to steadfastness and will power and the right choices when you find yourselves alone.he only thing I can see is keep your eternal goals in mind. If you need to, make sure you place practical measures into action such as being around friends and family most of the time, etc. I know how hard it is to be away from the one you love but you can remain faithful to yourself and eachother and your beliefs. Remember to always put Heavenly Father at the top of your relationship and you'll be blessed for it. I hope I don't sound preachy....it's just all coming from personal experience. :-)

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I'm in a similar situation He is in nigeria and i'm in south africa, but he is a returned missionary we haven't met but have sent photo's of each other. what i believe is that prayer and the guidance from God will help you know what you should,we have also been dating for 5 months now and he is making arrangement to come study in south africa so he can be closer to me. I also believe that Heavenly Father will answer your prayers and if this is a trial that he has to put you through then i believe it will be worth it and He will bless you. I also believe that for myself, we always talk and say hey in the end Heavenly Father will make a way for us to finally meet and get to spend time together and know each other.So have faith don't loose hope He is always there.:P

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Stay in places where you won't be tempted. That means don't ever be alone in a house together. Don't stay in a parked car alone. I would recommend (and it was a good policy for us during engagement) that you set a curfew of midnight. When she visits, she should not stay in your house, even in a different room with your family there. Arrange for her to stay with a friend or a member of the ward.

Above all, discuss your ground rules beforehand. Once again, let me stress that you should not be alone in a private place together where something tragic may happen. Go to the grocery. Go to a restaurant. Go someplace in town where you can sit on a bench and have a private conversation in a public place. Have dinner together with your family. Plan for success, and it won't be hard to achieve.

It sounds to me like you are jumping the gun a bit. I understand having feelings for someone you met online, but becoming engaged, especially if you plan on serving a mission? That just doesn't make sense to me. You've been talking online and on the phone for 5 months, but you still don't know each other. If you two are meant to be then she'll be there when you return. Your focus right now should be on your mission and nothing else. Plus, you don't want to risk doing something that would prevent you from serving, do you? I'd suggest you both stay where you are until after your mission. There's too much at stake for you to be doing things backwards.

Best two pieces of advice. On the one hand you've got a good thing going, and she might very well be the one, but on the other hand, you have a wonderfully serious commitment ahead of you. The Lord needs missionaries on task and focused. A two year mission with a fiancee on the brain will take away from many blessings for you and for the people that you will meet and teach.

You're also still young and living in the moment and so many variables exist such as her finding and marrying another man while you're gone and/or you finding someone else when you get back (or on your mission :rolleyes: happened to me, though I remained focused and disciplined in my work to the very last day, mind you!), etc.

My personal advice? Let nature take it's course but remember who you will be serving and let nothing interfere with serving with all your heart, might, mind and strength. She may very well be there when you get back and if not, you will be blessed to find someone very special. Just keep all your promises and covenants with the Lord and stay on the path.

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foucus on your mission now! I would even call of any engagment. I would Jess to do her own thing as you are doing yours. After the mission then regroup and see where things are at! I have talk to many friends that had some girl "wait" for them on the mission. They came back and realize both them and the girl have changed (for the better) but they realized what they thought they had wasn't there any more! THey realize for the better they had to move on! I would have to agree!

This doesn't mean you don't talk to her. It means you allow her to move on with her life for the time being. No engagment strings holding her back. You don't worry about what is going to happen and give your life to the Lord! You both well be happer in the long run! If you have this fear of loosing her your whole mission you aren't going to be an effective missionary!

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"If you have this fear of loosing her your whole mission you aren't going to be an effective missionary!"

====

Anakin Skywalker feared losing Padme -- he became so obsessed with an unknown future that he brought about the very thing he was trying to avoid.

Remember Yoda's wise words:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

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I'll make this short and sweet because I'm very eager to hear your opinions.

I met Jess on the Internet. She's wonderful, everything I had ever wanted, yada yada engagement. We are deeply in love. However she resides in Utah, while I live in New Zealand. We still talk to each other by phone, and it's fine. we play WoW together :P.

Now, I have yet to go on a mission, I will do so in July. Afterwards, we're going to get married in Manti, then move to NZ for a couple of years while she makes money for a nest egg and I get some degrees. then we'll move back to the US to start a family.

Fine, right? well, you see, she's coming over to visit for about a week or two before I leave on my mission. Now, the problem is, we've been together for 5 months, and engaged for two weeks or so. we haven't even held each other's hand and we won't see each other again for two more years. Both of us are getting a little worried that something... untimely could happen.

Any thoughts? How can we avoid slipping? should she even come at all? have you had a similar situation? Please let us know your opinions.

salt peter

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