Kids Need Both Parents

[DougKS]

Several years ago I went through my second divorce. It was a horrible, messy affair. After spending a year of intensive marital counseling with LDS therapists, we were unable to reconcile. I was determined to maintain close proximity to my children and to be as involved in their lives as I possibly could. My ex was determined to do the exact opposite. She intended to move away from me, alienate my children from me and do everything in her power to keep me out of their lives. In her words, she wished I would just die and never see the her or the children again.

To the detriment of my spirit, my faith and my bank account, I discovered the court system, and unfortunately the local Church leadership has not caught up the the concept of father's rights. During our initial counseling sessions with our Bishop, he advised my ex to consider what would happen to the children without their Father and a priesthood holder in the home. She rudely replied, I didn't have a Father growing up and I turned out just fine. The Bishop patiently told her, "No sister, you didn't." My ex promptly moved out of the ward and away from me and our marital home.

After several years of home studies, mediations, multiple unsubstantiated allegations and failed settlement offers, the court finally granted me a divorce. My parenting plan specified my visitation times with my children. After several more years of my wife unilaterally denying visitation, making the children unavailable to me, and obstructing telephone contact, I decided to take the matter to court, again. Previous calls to local law enforcement agencies proved to be futile. While the Court completely agreed my ex was guilty of obstruction of justice, contempt of court, parental alienation, and abuse of process by making unsubstantiated allegations, the Court did nothing. In the end I just spent thousands of dollars and received no justice.

During a temple recommend interview, divorced Fathers are asked if they are current with all Court-ordered financial obligations. I assume the same question is asked to non-custodial Mothers, but I'm not sure. In addition to that question, I would suggest priesthood leaders ask if both parents are doing everything in their power to abide by the parenting plan set forth by the Court, and each parent is cooperating to jointly parent the children.

What is the moral of this post? If you are a divorced parent, or contemplating divorce, I implore you to consider the children's best interests. No matter how you feel about you ex (or soon to be ex-spouse), they are still the child's parent. Children do not ask for divorce, so their suffering should be minimized at all costs. In an ideal world, both parents would continue to live in close proximity to each other and both parents would be highly involved in all aspects of their children's lives.

No other new relationship should take precedent over the relationship between the child and their non-custodial parent. Consider, carefully, the impact it will have on your children if you remarry and add a step-parent to the mix. Avoid introducing your children to people you are dating until the relationship has become a long-term and committed. Never, and I repeat never move a significant distance away from the non-custodial parent for the sake of a new relationship. While I can understand the desire to move on and find love, as stated earlier, no new relationship should take precedent over the relationship between the child and their non-custodial parent.

KIDS NEED DADS. Any thoughts to the contrary are devoid of the understanding of the family set out in the "Proclamation to the Family". Of course, there should be considerations made in the cases of mental, physical or sexual abuse, but for typical situations, I believe my advice stands.

My faith in the Church and activity as never recovered from my experience. I hope no one has to suffer the pains I have. I have only touched the surface of my situation. There is more, too painful and too personal to relate in an open forum.

Think twice before considering divorce, and if you are already divorced do everything you can to successfully co-parent your children with your ex-spouse. You can not force the other parent to become a good parent, but never take away their opportunity to be or to become a good parent.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share with you. Please heed my advice.

Doug

[Gwen]

through personal experiances i agree that the courts know how serious a problem alienation is, they know how to identify it, but are still unwilling to stand up and make it law or common practice to fight against it. the children are the ones that will pay the price. i suggest if this is a topic close to heart you find the nearest father's rights group and get involved.

[tree]

i totally agree, my ex-husband and i agree to disagree, he lives his life and i live mine, we are like best freinds as long as we dont have to live together. ( our son is now 18yrs old,but we both love him and want him to have each of us in his life.) 8yrs after our divorce , i remarried and then 4yrs later had a baby girl, but for her saftey and mine we had to stay away from him. i agreed for supervised visitation through c.p.s but he is never around to even try and see her , i just get threatning calls from time to time. but now i am married to a wonderful man and am a member of the lds church, god is great. just keep praying and serving god and things will eventually work out i am sure, we can all pray for you, god bless, tree

[Laureltree]

I believe we are parents, and as long as either side is not harming the children emotionally, physically, or sexually, then those children should be around both parents, and both those parents need to keep there negitive feelings of the other spouse to themselves.....The children are the main priority at this point......This allows them to heal better....

just my two cents :)

[Elphaba]

I have only touched the surface of my situation. There is more, too painful and too personal to relate in an open forum.

Your story is a tragedy, and frankly, I do not understand how your wife could be so unaware of the consequences to your children. When both parents are capable of parenting, then absolutely, they need both their mother and their father.

I am especially sensitive to this right now because it is happening to my brother with a few differences. They are small, but the profound pain that his ex-wife is causing everyone, for NO REASON is unfathomable to me.

My nephew was born in 1990, and my brother and SIL divorced in 1993. She worked at the desk of a prominent hotel, and it turned out she was going on dates with many customers. My brother found out and they were divorced. She is from Virginia (we're in Utah), and she was going to take his son to Virginia with my brother getting no visitation whatsoever.

My brother fought tooth and nail and finally was allowed every other Christmas and Thanksgiving, plus every summer.

Summer before last my brother re-married. That's the only thing we can think of that has upset his ex-wife, because suddenly she has denied my brother his right to his son. She is telling her son that my brother is going to corrupt him (she and her family are beyond fanatic LDS), that my brother is going to turn him away from the Church, that he'll never go on a mission or get married in the temple. She has told her son that she will get him into summer architecture schools, etc. She has just gone bezerk, and no one really knows why.

My brother's heart is SOOOO broken. His son won't talk to him. They had a mediation last week, and nothing was resolved. He's just beginning the nightmare you mentioned.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted you to know my brother is just starting your nightmare . . . and there is not a thing he can do about it. I have never seen my brother so defeated. I suspect you have been feeling this way for years, and my heart breaks for both of you.

Elphaba

[pam]

I wish my ex could read some of these comments. Unfortunately he made the decision when we separated to move to the other side of the country. He has made no attempt to see his kids in the 9 years we have been divorced.

[DougKS]

Thank you all for providing your feedback and stories. Pam, I am sorry your husband has lost view of what is truly important. I have been active in Father's Rights organizations, but changing laws and lobbying for modification in court procedures takes time.

It is not uncommon for spouses to have differing views on parenting. Some differences may be minor, but others can be potential firestorms. It is hard to watch your children be raised with differing standards, but it is better to bite your tongue unless the children are in imminent physical harm. I strive to provide a place of peace and normalcy when they are here. I pray that estrangements will lessen as hearts soften.

If you are the custodial parent, and the other parent has chosen not to be involved in their children's lives, pray that their hearts will change. Encourage your children to make phone calls or send emails. Refrain from making any negative comments about the other parent. The children are usually smart enough to see for themselves what is going on.

I have met many men who weren't active in their children's lives while they were married, and the attitude continued in their divorce. I have met other men who have good hearts, but lack the skills needed to be good Fathers. If your ex falls into this latter category and you are on good speaking terms, provide some gentle training. For instance, let them know when their are important school or sporting events they should attend. It is a learning process for some men and some men need more time to come around.

I love my children, here and in Heaven, and I pray they will always feel my love deep in their hearts. I pray they will be able to determine the truth of all things as they get older. I hope Priesthood leaders and Church members in general will reach out to both parties involved in divorce and encircle them with love, support and encouragement.

Thank you all for being good friends.

[Moksha]

I am divorced and my daughter spends most of her time with me. However, she enjoys a loving and supportive relationship with her Mother too. It seems so vitally important for children of a divorce to have a good relationship with both parents. They need extra reassurance that both parents still care for them.

[Osteerholz88]

Doug, Thanks for your post.

I married my husband last summer and was fortunate that two bonus children were included. We do not have custody, and my husband and his ex do not get along very well. Fortunately things have improved greatly because I believe as you do when it comes to children and divorce. The boys did not ask for the divorce, and I knew that I had to do everything in my power to make sure to put their interests first at all times. Now, things are greatly improved. We even have been getting extra time with the kids because I've worked to develop a friendly relationship with his ex. If things were the way I wanted, we'd have custody and see very little of her...but ultimately that is not what is best for the boys. I signed up to be a bonus mom, and I have a great relationship with my husband's kids. It's not easy to maintain the friendship with my bonus boys' mom, but when I'm at their basketball games and they see me talking to their mom in a friendly way, I know I'm doing the right thing for them. Divorce is hard on kids. Having two homes and two families is hard on kids. I try my hardest to make it as easy as possible for the boys. I don't know why I went into the marriage so focused on doing the right thing for the boys....for a long time I didn't want to date anyone who had kids!!

Doug, I hope things improve for you. I can't imagine life without frequent visits from my bonus kids.

[Canuck Mormon]

I try and have a respectful relationship with my ex, but only because of my son. Do I like her, no way in..... well you get the point. But I am civil to her and we work problems out together. She is demanding, but I have learned to stand up for what I believe is right and in my son's best interests. Unfortunately my wife left me for another woman, so it adds to the complex nature of our relationship. How to explain that to an 8 year old. The only good thing about that is that he knows that we didn't break up because of him.

[NeuroTypical]

I stand in constant awe of my God, who can apply that perfect blend of justice and mercy to all these situations, such that all parties are satisfied.

It's beyond me. I just can't see how it's possible. But it is, through Christ.

LM

[DougKS]

I like you quote from Star Trek IV. I remember cracking up the first time I heard that. It reminded me of the Announcements for my first marriage. There was a typo and it said "Sealing in the Oakland LSD Temple"...lol

[shanstress70]

Ugh, these stories are heartbreaking. I grew up in a similar situation with my mother 'brainwashing' us to be against our father. He missed out on so much with us, and we missed out on having a father. My brother did not turn out to be such a wonderful father, and this could be one reason why. Only when I became an adult and had a child of my own did I make an effort to get to know my father and have a relationship with him.