Nervous about having a baby

[fiona84]

Hi all,

I am 24 and my husband and I have been married for nearly 4 years. Both of us want to have a large family, and having our first child has been weighing on my mind daily for many months now...but I have so many 'issues'!!

Nearly all of my LDS friends (and many non-LDS friends) my age have had a child. One of my good friends is pregnant with #3! In church, people are surprised to hear we have been married as long as we have, probably because we don't have a few little ones already.

It is not the social pressure that is making me want a child, but a constant urge and feeling to have one. I've been dreaming about it, thinking about it all the time, researching it, etc...it's just an urge, i can't explain it.

So...i am thinking it might be the right time to start trying. My husband and I have talked about it and he is more than willing, but I have two major issues that have been holding me back:

1) how do young couples manage to afford it? We are both still students (took some time off to live in Europe) and don't have much money. We live in a small apartment....I do graduate in a year, at least....but I still have a hard time imagining how my friendsand all of the other young couples are managing.

It might be worth mentioning we aren't tithe payers because I dont work and my husband isn't a member (yet ).

2) I am so scared of childbirth. Not the pain, but something going wrong. I am a 'researcher' and I spend hours on pregnancy and childbirth websites researching everything (I want to be as healthy as possible) to be prepared, and SO much can go wrong. When I read that 1 in 3000 mothers die during childbirth it made me terrified. I can't imagine carrying a baby for 9 months and being so in love with him/her and then dying before I have the chance to raise him/her. Its heart-breaking! How do moms-to-be deal with this possibility? Even worse, what about something going wrong with the baby? I don't know how I would live through it! I read about all of these complications and potential dangers and I get so nervous. I've been this way for about two years, ever since my hubby and I first talked about trying for a baby.

...I dont' talk to my church friends about this because I guess I am too embarrassed. I feel like I should just be popping out babies like its my duty; they all seem so fearless!

I guess I would appreciate any insight/advice from an LDS perspective or just from the perspective of someone who's been through it.

Thanks so much!

PS. I do have anxiety alot which may account for some of my irrational childbirth fears but, for instance I take Xanax to fly, but dont' think I could take xanax to get through labor! I think its something I'm going to have deal with....I just dont know how.

[MorningStar]

I know, having kids is scary. I'm on my 4th. :) Affording it takes a lot of sacrifice and work, but it's worth it.

As far as things going on, just remember that Heavenly Father is in control. If he is urging you to have kids, then you know it is the right thing to do. Have you had a blessing about it? That might give you some reassurance. Every time I get pregnant, I need a blessing of comfort because I get so scared.

1 in 3000 actually isn't that high considering a lot of those are probably in 3rd world countries where the medical care isn't very good. You're not going to die! :)

[WillowTheWhisp]

I have never known anyone who died in childbirth. I know a lot of people who have children. I know some people who have disabled children. I know poor people who have children. The people who have disabled children often have more children who are not disabled. It doesn't put them off. The poor families often tend to have more than one child too. Somehow they manage. When children are born we readjust our priorities and somehow it all fits together.

[hanne_line]

I know that I have grown with my kids. Meaning I have grown to be able to do what I have to do.

It has happen gradualy and I have not really noticed.

All I know is that my first child was overwhelming as a baby (born with cleft lip/ jaw and palate and a nightmare to feed that made her hungry all the time and disturbed all sleeping for 1,5 years, plus surgery twice before she was two. lol) I still had number two before she was two years old and I have managed and it has all been easier as the years have gone past. Even though I have been alone after I got pregnant with number two.. Now I can`t imagine how life was without them at all. What did I do all day?? LOL

[Gwen]

as a parent you find yourself doing things you never thought you could do, and yet you can't really explain to others how you do it. i get comments all the time about "how do you do it?" honestly i don't know. not doing it isn't an option so i just do. i guess not really a helpful answer but it's the truth. paying tithing helps, so do frequant priesthood blessings.

as far as surviving childbirth there is a lot of trust in the lord there. you don't have much choice really, once things start there isn't much you can do to change it short of a c-section. i wouldn't do one of those without good cause.

this entire world and everything we do involves risks. more a matter of what you choose to focus on. do the best you can, rely upon the lord for the rest.

[Hemidakota]

Congrats....

[Misshalfway]

Hello Fiona,

All of your feelings are SOOOO normal!! And there a lots of moms out there in LDS land that have and do feel the same way you do. I think that the fact that you are dreaming about getting pregnant is a really good sign that you are ready.

The financial concern is a valid one. Babies are expensive. You just keep paying that tithing and all will be provided. You will learn how fit diapers and formula into your budget and as you move forward with your educations. Career opportunities will open up. Have faith in God. He will prosper you according to your needs! And then trust yourself and your own creativity. You can get by on less than you think. And then there is the wonderful blessing of family and friends who have been there and understand and who want to help. Anyway isn't this what baby showers and grandparents are for? :) Blessings will come!! Friends will appear with cute baby gap hand-me-downs and gently used stuff they don't use anymore. I am one of them. I have boxes of the cutest newborn stuff just waiting for the right person to give it all to.

With regards to health problems.....the chances that everything will go fine and be fine are extremely high! So put your faith in that. You are young and healthy, right? You know your medical/family history. Find yourself a good Dr. and a good hospital, and then relax. Things do go wrong. Sometimes complications do happen. Read that "What to Expect when You Are Expecting" book. Education is power and can allay your fears. But, you can handle whatever comes. Trust yourself and trust God.

I have had four babies. I was high risk with every one of them. I was on bed rest and had lots of specialists. But, it all turned out fine. I had the best doctors and the best care and even though we had a scare or too, we made it through. And everyone of my kids is healthy and happy.

Good luck, cute and darling mother-to-be! You will be wonderful! Don't worry about it all being perfect. It probably won't be. But what you fear is probably the last thing that will happen. :)

[Aphrodite]

I realy sympathise with you Fiona. I too am terrified of the idea of having a baby. Im having enough truoble getting myself to the dentist without fainting with fear never mind giving birth! I am literally petrified of the whole thing.

I totally understand-the money side of things is so difficult. Thats why if we do have a baby it will be once I am qualified as a nurse so I can have at least a half decent salary. I would strongly urge you to wait until you are both finished uni andhave a solid job or career before you have a baby. If not fine, it will just be harder for you than it needs to be.

I hear horror stories of childbirth-all the stitches, emergency caesarians-and the pain, your figure goes....oh my gosh I dont know if I will ever be able to do it!!!!

I suppose Im not offering any help other than to say I know where you are coming from and I feel the same way-although I would NEVER feel under pressure to have a baby because of other people. It has nothing to do with them-Its about YOU and when YOU are ready. You have to carry it after all!

Good luck with what ever you decide-Glad Im not the only one!!! :)

[fiona84]

Thanks so much everyone! I feel so heartened reading all of your replies. I really do feel better already.

I am going to pray about it earnestly for a little while. I think I have been scared the answer is going to be "yes" so I have been avoiding it But deep down I know that is not the right way to go about it! And I yearn for a baby so, so badly...its just the fear holding me back from finding out what Heavenly Father wants for me.

One of my good friends always says, "If we all waited until the perfect time to have a child, it would probably never come."

Aphrodite--I totally feel the same way as you about fearing childbirth! It does make me feel better to know I'm not alone. I thought watching those 'birth story' and 'baby story' shows would make me feel better but all of the trauma that goes on just made me more scared.

The one in 3000 statistic really bothers me still (and that is in America). But I think instead of dwelling on it I should figure out what it means (for instance it probably includes woman having children in their late 40s or even 50s and i'm a healthy 24 year old).

Thanks for all of the support. I'll keep you posted!!

[Misshalfway]

Just one more thought....

Have you considered a dulla? They can really help with labor and delivery. My girlfriend hired one with her last three. Said it was the best thing she ever did!

[Anna_loves_Ben]

Well, it sounds like you just need to relax. Youve done your home work, just let things flow like they should. It sounds like your ready. I would get a blessing about it if you are still having anxiety about it. And perhaps do some fasting before the blessing.

As far as financially being ready, it would be wise to maby get a small part time job for a baby fund, not a lot but a boost. But, you ll find the way. We have had financial problems ever since we got pregnant, I lost my job and was stuck in the hospital for most of my pregnancy, after Adam was born, we lived in the N.I.C.U. For several mounts and my husband lost fis job not too long after, somehow we have pulled through. God will not give you more than you can Handel. You just have to make good choices with what you have. I know things will work out for you. I would get your hubby going in the church so you can have a strong priesthood holder in your home, and tithing is such a blessing! Always remember that, sometimes I wonder how we will have food for the week when I give my tithing to the bishop. And remember that we still need pull ups too, but with what? And somehow it never fails God gives us so much more than we need its like a miracle!!! God bless.

[fiona84]

Miss Halfway...my cousin just had a dullah with her at home, water birth. I wasn't aware they would do hospital births with you too? Are they expensive?

Anna, thanks for your insightful words! It sounds like you had quite the experience. It's those kind of things that I am worried about, but as you have pulled through with the help of the Lord, it gives me hope we could work through potential problems,too....

[Misshalfway]

My friend had all three babies in the hospital and they were normal deliveries, no water. If I remember, my friend opted for no-drugs with her last kids. She has six, so she kinda knew her body pretty well.

I don't really know if they are expensive or not. Maybe you could call around and talk to nurse midwives in your area. I think the Women's Center of any hospital would have lots of information as would your insurance provider, if you have that.

Pregnancy can be scary.... but you probably will only have to deal with heartburn and hemorrhoids and peeing a little in your ninth month when someone tells you a joke! :) Don't forget to think about how exciting it will be to hear that little heartbeat or to see that new little person on an ultrasound or feeling the kicking for the first time! And after you see that little wrinkled face and feel the tiny-ness of its little body nestled up under your chin, it will all be worth it!!! :)

[mightynancy]

I can't imagine carrying a baby for 9 months and being so in love with him/her and then dying before I have the chance to raise him/her. Its heart-breaking!

Once you have had a child, you'll change that statement to express sadness at the child's loss, not yours. :) I was pretty carefree before kids - now I really make sure to take care of myself so they don't lose their mom.

There's never a perfect time to have a baby if you examine all the reasons not to do it, all the reasons why it will be hard...everyone makes it work somehow. And the joy is immeasurable!

Good luck and best wishes. :)

[BusyMom]

Hire a doula at the beginning of your pregnancy! I am a labor and postpartum doula so I have a biased opinion, but I have also birthed with and without a doula and know the difference it made for me.

I have had some clients who have hired me at the beginning of their pregnancies (like when they were 6 weeks pregnant). I begin providing education right away about nutrition, prenatal testing, warning signs, and the like. I am also available by phone or e-mail just to provide emotional support and information. Near the end of pregnancy, we start working on options and reviewing what is being learned in childbirth education classes. Once labor starts, the doula will provide continuous suppot and encouragement. She helps mom to trust her body, helps her change positions and breathing patterns, helps her navigate the hospital and helps her partner participate in the birthing process. It really will provide a valuable resource for you...and help reduce some of your anxieties. The cost ranges from around $500-$1000+. If you hire your doula early, most doulas will accept payments and this makes it smaller payments.

If you have more questions or want help locating a doula in your area, my e-mail is [email protected]

Jamie

[BusyMom]

I am inviting everyone to join the Pregnancy Information and Support Group I just created. I am a Certified Childbirth Educator and will provided informational posts at least once a week as well as answering questions and providing support.

See you there!

[Misshalfway]

Busymom,

Wow. That is great! Where were you a few years ago? :)

Mighty Nancy,

Laughing! So true some days.

[fiona84]

It was really interesting....at sacrament meeting on Sunday we had a High Council Speaker and guess what he spoke on....young motherhood. The blessing of it, and how it IS hard if you are both in school (I live in ward with alot of students) but it is worth it...it seemed to speak right to me. I graduate next May...maybe a baby will be my graduation present lol.

BusyMom,

Thanks so much for your information on doulas. I definitely think I am going to get one! It sounds like the kind of thing that would benefit someone like me. As for your group, just let me know how to join.I'm there!!

[BusyMom]

To join the group, go to the Groups Page and then to Family and Home. My group is "I'm Pregnant...Now What???" You open the group and then request to join. I will get some material posted within the week, I just have to get some homework done first. Can't wait to see you there!!!

Jamie

P.S. I was a student with my first baby and had my second 3 months before I graduated...it can be done!!!

[LegendadryPerc]

Wonderful wonderful advice here. I don't know how to quote everybody, but wanted to emphasise that you shouldn't feel pressure from others to have a baby. A doula is a wonderful idea! Actually most births that doulas attend are in hospitals. I think the price of a doula depends on where you live. I have only seen areas where they are $200 and places where they are up to $400, but it must depend on where you live. Also, some insurances cover doulas, as there is a less chance of needing a C-sec. or expensive proceedures when you have a doula, so they save money by covering doulas. So make sure to check your insurance.

I have been scared of a birth I knew the Lord was telling me to have. I researched for at least 3 months, argueing with myself, but realized that the research meant nothing. If I knew in my heart that it was right for me to do this, then nothing else mattered. I had to do it in order to be me, in order to live with myself. I cannot go against what I know is true deep down inside.

So the best advice is pray about it, and when the time comes, the Lord will give you everything you lack. It is amazing - it is like walking on water. You may know it is impossible. But trust the Lord, and just like walking on water - you CAN do it through your faith!

Just in case you didn't know - given your circumstances, you are a full tithe payer.

We had our first two kids while in college. We have several more now that we don't know how we could ever afford them without the Lord's absolute miricles in our lives every day. The truth of the matter is, that this is only extremely obvious in our current situation, but it is true for everybody, no matter what their situation. You cannot make it through a day or even a second, without the miricle of the Lord's help. You are already walking on water. So having a baby will be no different.

Financially - there is very, very, little you need to have for a baby. We use cloth diapers, co-sleep, breastfeed. We started some of these because we simply didn't have room for a bunch of expensive baby gear in our small college apartment - definantly no space for a crib. I honestly have been living on practically nothing for so long, that I don't know what the "baby expenses" currently are. I have no idea what the world in general says you "need" for a baby. So if you think of something, let me know, and I can tell you how we do without it, or even send you it if it's something that we don't do without. (We've had so many kids, that if it's something we don't easily do without, we probably have one laying around that I could send you.)

As far as the dangers of birthing, for some people it might help to research specific facts. I don't know if you are one of these people, but if you find this helpfull, as I said, I have done lots of research into birth (from a personal interest - I'm not a profesional) and if you want help or have questions about any aspect of birth, I'd love to either answer the questions if I can, find the answers for you, or at least point you in the right direction.

This birthing class/forum thing (whatever it is) sound fun. I hope you don't mind "experienced" moms coming too.

[MorningStar]

Thanks so much everyone! I feel so heartened reading all of your replies. I really do feel better already.

I am going to pray about it earnestly for a little while. I think I have been scared the answer is going to be "yes" so I have been avoiding it But deep down I know that is not the right way to go about it! And I yearn for a baby so, so badly...its just the fear holding me back from finding out what Heavenly Father wants for me.

One of my good friends always says, "If we all waited until the perfect time to have a child, it would probably never come."

Aphrodite--I totally feel the same way as you about fearing childbirth! It does make me feel better to know I'm not alone. I thought watching those 'birth story' and 'baby story' shows would make me feel better but all of the trauma that goes on just made me more scared.

The one in 3000 statistic really bothers me still (and that is in America). But I think instead of dwelling on it I should figure out what it means (for instance it probably includes woman having children in their late 40s or even 50s and i'm a healthy 24 year old).

Thanks for all of the support. I'll keep you posted!!

That is so true! There is always a reason not to have a baby. My aunt asked me why people have babies when they can't afford them. I said, "Well at some point they will probably lose their job and not be able to afford them then either. Should people not have babies because someday they will go through some financial difficulty?" There are all sorts of reasons not to get married too, but don't you think it's worth all the downfalls? :)

[MorningStar]

I am inviting everyone to join the Pregnancy Information and Support Group I just created. I am a Certified Childbirth Educator and will provided informational posts at least once a week as well as answering questions and providing support.

See you there!

Oh cool!

[LegendadryPerc]

Oh, I just wanted to say that, although I've never seen a baby story or any of those shows, I know a person who was in a "reality show". They dramatize them so bad, editing etc. Birth, even if you are the very rare person where "something goes wrong", is not that traumatic. Trama/drama sells on TV, so they purposely show scary "tramatic" things. That is another good reason to get a doula. I have heard things from people who have watched them and know birth (like it seems we have a wonderful member here who does - yay!) that say much of the trauma shown on there is completely preventable, or caused by crazy things like telling the mom not to get out of bed or roll over, even if how she is laying is making the contraction hurt worse.

Being scared of birth because of "a baby story" is like being scared of driving after watching some scary chase scene movie. - There is no need for such stress, etc. about and during birth.

[fiona84]

LegendadryPerc,

Thanks so much for your inspired words of wisdom! They were just what i needed to hear :) And oh so true.....they made me think and made me feel better.

Everybody on here has comforted me so much. I feel the Lord has been guiding me these past few weeks to finally deal with my childbirth issues and has been providing with me with many sources of comfort and wisdom....

Just to update, I went into my doc's office to talk about pregnancy in general and how I am considering it but nervous. She was really helpful...and because I am a worrier, and a researcher, and I want to be as healthy as can be, she helped me devise a 'plan'. Basically I'm about 20 pounds overweight (I know its not that much by our country's standards but still) so my doc is setting me up with a dietician to help me lose 20 pounds so I am within the 'ideal' weight range for my height. That should take a few months...and I won't try and get pregnant until that is sorted...and in the mean time I'm going to start prenatal vitamins. I figure these things are the least I can do to ensure that I'm physically 'ready' for a pregnancy and I think this will help my worrying somewhat too.

Oh, and I wanted to say thanks for making me feel better about those 'baby stories' on TV....I mean, I can't imagine births are always that traumatic but it sure feels that way watching those shows!!! I'm going to watch them with a bit more spepticism from now on (...but still watch them, I dont think I can stop :))

[BusyMom]

I just posted some info in the group about unmedicated birth and calculating due dates!!