lozza

Well, I actually DID go to church yesterday. I surprised myself. Lol. It wasn't too bad. I got to catch up with a few people I knew from a while ago. I still felt somewhat uncomfortable though. It was just weird. I can't explain it. Anyways, I almost didn't go because I felt so very sick. I think that was Satan trying to keep me away. The thought came to me that it was Satan and so I made an extra conscious effort to get up and dressed and go to church. Funny, that sick feeling went away as soon as I arrived at church. I still am feeling unsure about going back next Sunday, but I will see what happens.

Thankyou all so much for your input and your prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say. I have not responded before now because I have been quite a mess and a big mix of emotions. Last night I actually called an old friend of mine. Him and his wife used to be the YSA couple in my ward and we did develop a bond. He was quite surprised to hear from me, but I expressed desire to return to church and told him about my experience from four years ago. He listened and was a lot more supportive than I ever imagined. I hope I have done the right thing. Now, the goal is to go to church tomorrow morning. I will try to attend. I am keen to. So that is what has happened. I just hope that it is a positive move. Thankyou all again.

Thankyou all so much for your suggestions and your support. I really do appreciate it. Firstly.. I am female and my name is Laura, but I really do prefer Lozza. Ok, this is kinda hard. I did touch briefly on this in another post. I was raped four years ago by my bfs tenant at his beach property when we went away for the weekend. My bf offered no support and even supported his tenant over me. I since went back to church and went through disciplinary action, not for the rape but for my relations with my ex bf. We have not been together for about three and a half years. I have not had another relationship since. I did mention what had happened to my Bishop, but he sort of dusted it off and it was never spoken of again. So I attended for some time and pushed this memory aside and it did not bother me for close to 18 months. However, it soon came back and I found myself dealing with awful flashbacks. All I wanted was to talk to someone about this but those I did mention it to brushed it aside as if it was too uncomfortable to talk to about it. So I never spoke of it again. I didn't want to waste their time. I felt like it was my fault that I had gotten in this mess in the first place and that it was a matter not worthy of their time or energy. I was scared that I would just be brushed off again. I simply cannot deal with any more rejection. I have often thought that I could go back to church and have planned to go, but just as I plan to these feelings of inadequacy and awkwardness come back and I just cannot do it. It might not seem like such a big deal, but it IS a big deal to me. I need to resolve these issues. I want to resolve these issues, but I can't. Reality is that people just don't want to talk about these issues. I cannot get past this barrier. Sorry for making this kinda long. I hope this makes sense. It just explains a little how I feel.

I am currently less active. I want to return to church more than I can say, however I am terrified to do so. When the apostles speak, they say "come back, come back" but it is not that simple. I just need someone to talk to about my worries and concerns but I am so scared to discuss it with anyone because it brings up too many problems. I just feel like I am lacking the support and strength I need to do this. I have a testimony of the gospel and of Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith. I know that this is the only true church on the earth today. I just don't know how to become active again. I haven't had any major transgressions or sins (any that I have had, I cleared up with my Bishop years ago), I have just simply stopped attending. I live on my own, I am 24. My parents have moved away. My Home teachers don't visit me, I don't receive any contact from church at all, yet this is the ward that I have been attending my whole life. Everyone knows me yet no one offers any support. This is why I am so scared to ask, for fear of more rejection. It is just so hard. I just need some advice, because I cannot do this alone. Sorry if this sounds jumbled and doesn't make much sense. Thanks.

Elder Scott's talk had a profound impact on me. I have been struggling for many years now after being raped. I have been terrified to talk about it for fear of losing my friends. Elder Scott's talk has encouraged me to break the silence. I have not been able to do this yet, but I am working on it. I find him to be a kind, sensitive, loving man. I was amazed how well he handled this difficult topic. I have been inactive for quite some time. Scared to return to church. I do listen to church talks online and watch general conference online. Elder Scott's talk has helped me realise that I am a daughter of God and I am loved and I am worthy of His love. I want to return and this talk has brought me closer to going back. The hardest thing is to just do it.