I have had friends struggle as you have mentioned, Jenamarie, and I have heard similar complaints. I hope we can all as members have compassion, no matter where someone is on the path of their faith.
In addition to that, though, what I have seen, on the flip side of this, is that sometimes people really can and do think themselves out of the Church. And that is a concern that is valid and real, and might be what adds to people's knee-jerk (or maybe not so knee-jerk) reactions. And so some people may have genuine reasons for their hesitancy to respond as you would have hoped. This doesn't justify unkindness, or wrongful judging, or unthinking responses from fear alone. But realize that sometimes it really can be a genuine response as well. Even Pres. Eyring, in a recent New Era article (May, p. 6-9), said this, and it really struck me:
"The best way to answer concerns is always simple declaration of the truth, combined with warm invitation."
He doesn't try to say that we should be able to answer or address every concern. Sometimes a simple response really can be good and right. But clearly, he is talking about something done in love and with the Spirit.
So we should never be unkind, and we should always express concern and support for someone struggling in their faith. But we can also be patient with those who don't know quite how to respond, no? :) Remember that not everyone will know where to send someone who is really questioning, or may not have the need to study at that level. Not everyone will have had the same experience of needing to dig for specific answers, and may truly believe that such an approach can be damaging (having seen people lose their testimonies and end up in confusion because of 'research' I understand this genuine concern and think it's not always unwarranted...and such drifting doesn't even need to include anti stuff!).
And for some, when hard questions come, it really is as simple as praying, and letting some questions go and relying on the beautiful, basic, simple principles of the gospel and the restoration that end up being the foundation of a testimony.
In the end, the gospel really is simple. That isn't to say that we shouldn't listen or care when people have struggles, but in the end, there will always be some questions that can't be answered (if we could prove it all intellectually, what of faith?), and a testimony really does end up being about the simple basics...God lives, His Son is our Savior, the plan of salvation is real, God speaks through prophets, He spoke to Joseph Smith and restored authority, scripture, ordinances and the Church, and we can know these things are true through the power of the Holy Ghost. We don't have to have all the historical or doctrinal questions answered to know those foundational things. And I think this is sometimes what people mean when they say, "Just pray about it." They may not be trying to be dismissive, but simply expressing what they believe is the truly right approach...to really dig deeper roots of testimony rather than trying to uncover every rock of history or doctrine. Don't fault them for what really may be what works for them...just as you don't want to be faulted for your genuine questions.
Again, I realize that it's also important not to sweep others' concerns under the rug, and to be willing to listen, care, and support. But I guess I also empathize with those members who really do believe that one can work through the questions through simple means, or even with those who are afraid. If you have ever seen someone who IS trying to pull others down, or have seen someone think themselves out of the Church, it's something that IS concerning. So I think we can have compassion for those who are afraid of such things, even if they are incorrect about someone's motivations...not because an unkind response is justified, but because we each have our weaknesses and struggles that deserve patience and compassion as we each sort through and try to overcome those weaknesses and struggles.
BTW, I hope you have come to a place of peace in your journey, and that you can hold onto what you DO know. In all my exposure to the classic issues that tend to concern people, through trying to help friends who have engaged in a journey such as yours, I really do come back to the basics! It is those basics that end up grounding me and keeping me in a place of peace, in spite of questions that I have...that I think many people have at some point. I don't have answers for it all, but I do know this work is true, and that is enough. And in the end, I find that the more I focus on the basics, the more I learn that really strengthens that faith, and the less I feel the need to 'understand' some of the other stuff. What I know means that there is a lot I can let go.
