Hi,
I have a long story but I will try to make it short. I have always had trouble knowing if I am receiving an answer from God, but almost two years ago I thought I got affirmation that I should marry my husband (and I waited six weeks before I gave him an answer because I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision). We have been married over a year now, and we dated for close to two years before we were married. I felt good about it and everything, but now I am unhappy. I remember the day we got married felt strangely anti-climatic, and I felt very strongly I shouldn't feel like that. I should have been happy but I really wasn't. But I couldn't understand why I had felt good about it if my very first impressions of marriage were awful. And it hasn't gotten much better. I have tried and tried to make it work and be happy, but I am still quite miserable. I can't bear to break his heart, I know he loves me but I don't feel that same way back. I've tried but you can't force yourself to be in love with somebody you're not. Intimacy has been a problem--more so on his part than with mine--but he swears up and down that nothing is wrong. I know marriage shouldn't be like that. But he will hardly touch me and then when I bring it up, he blames it on me. In the beginning, I had nothing but good feelings for him and I tried to make intimacy work but it was so awful I ended up feeling horrible and crying every time. Now I can't even stand the thought of doing that again. It makes me sick to my stomach because I know it will be awful. I know we need some marriage counseling but we can't really afford it right now. Plus we are living with his parents so it is difficult to talk much about things. But I'm really stuck...we have talked many times in the 15 months we have been married but nothing ever changes. Lately I haven't tried to have deep conversations as much because I am sure it won't change much. We both just end up hurt. I was out of town recently for a week and I felt happy being with my family and in all honesty, I didn't miss him that much. (Granted I tend to be more independent than the average person and miss people less). I have prayed for guidance but haven't gotten anything. What am I doing wrong?? Any advice?? I would be terrified to get a divorce, not only going back to being on my own (I have a phobia of being alone at night) but also the stigma. I can only imagine my family's reaction--divorce is just not an option for them. But I think the Lord would want me happy. Am I just not giving it enough time? I waited out the first year--people always say it's the hardest--but things haven't gotten better. Help please!
