jorsen

Thank You All, I greatly appreciate the love and support and kind words in these messages. I will send some PM's to a few of you that have offered. I am not sure how appropriate it would be to publicly speak about some of my concerns. I have been definitely living in a bit of a 'funk' if you will. One of the most interesting things I have noticed is that despite my reservations over certain logical issues, I do find it interesting that I cannot seem to stop 'reading' about the church and what it is about. My wife and children went to the public library in our town yesterday. Out of the 6 books I checked out, 3 of them were related to the church. I just like reading about it. Those 3 books are all ones that are positive... "Intro to Mormonism", "Building up the Kingdom" and "A Peculiar People" A bit of a rough week too...my brother in law came in and really slammed me about how I was raising my step son. I introduced him to some rock and roll music and he really likes it a lot. I like it too from time to time, but, I am always thinking about "how can I be a good spiritual example to my family though I live in such indecision?". A lot of my desire to know the truth and not live a lie is since I know that it is not just my life that this will effect but everyone in my family. Thanks Again for the love and support, -Jorsen

Well, basically everyone in my life outside of the Ward is doubtful of this church. My wife is supportive but has absolutely no interest in it at this time and neither do my children. I am DETERMINED not to live a lie...I want to find the truth...and hold firmly to it. I've spent my whole life living a lie of sorts...I have no intention of doing that from now on. I've read several 'evidences' that disturb me greatly. There are a few websites which seem to point out these in various ways. Not "anti" websites as I don't pay much attention to those. It is more those supposed "objective" websites. I'd mention them but I do not want to cause others discord or problems by viewing their contents indirectly because of my words here on this forum. Besides, all probably know as well as I do that it is not that terribly hard to find these websites on their own if one truly wishes to find them. Websites from people who say they are active in good standing members of the church who bring up questionable church history that is difficult to refute and difficult to rationalize. Basically I am suffering because in my spirit I feel "Yes!" and in my head I feel "Uhh...im not so sure about this". People who have left the church have justified their exist based on these type of 'evidences' and I can understand why they would feel that way. I have posted on those forums telling them that I feel spiritually that this is the right church for me and naturally they rip that concept to the shreds as in their mindset the Holy Ghost's "promptings" are irrelevant. It is all about logic and reason. So that is where I am suffering...in my heart and spirit I feel very good about this church. Sure..its differeant and demanding in some aspects...I miss coffee and paying tithing is a new concept...but...there is so much good here. These ex members talk to me as if I am playing with the bubonic plague...like I am one step from complete mental enslavement and that this church is better named "LDS Inc." making broad statements that all upper leadership know this church is not true and are all about the money. I just at this stage cannot agree with that. It's a logic vs spirit issue. I have a deep seated fear that my 'spirit' is wrong. The only verse that has been a blessing to me has been Alma 32 which talks about "if you only have but a desire to believe..." Thanks for your concern Miss Halfway.

Hello brothers and sisters, I investigated the church for almost two years before I was baptized 1 month ago. When I was confirmed to the church and received the gift of the holy ghost I was so excited. When I was confirmed a member of the Aaronic priesthood and given the title of a priest it was such an awesome experience. However, for some reason, in my mind I had built up that the heavens would rain down and I would feel lighting and I would see a burning bush! I then began to doubt and feel miserable. I am a convert to the church. I am married to a wonderful wife and have two step children and one biological. My wife and children are not members and at this time have no intention of being members. Because of this, when I doubt and have fears and concerns I am all alone in respects of having support "for" the church. They are all but happy to hear my doubts and all but encourage me to leave. I have continued my research of the church at websites that say they are greatly interested in objective views of the LDS church history and BoM evidences. I read these trying to gain a testimony of the book of mormon and I continue to falter. I am having a problem because in my heart I feel like this church is the best church on the planet for having a christlike life. I may not be able to say that this church is THE church of jesus christ yet...but I know that out of all of the churches I've been in this is the one that makes sense for me. In my heart I feel great about this church and scriptures... In my mind, who thrives on logic and reason, some of the evidences that seem plausible that contradict the church and its standard works is devastating to me. What should I do? I feel so discouraged. I went to a website that some former members of the church frequent and posted a similar post...hoping that perhaps some of the people there would understand some of my feelings. In the end though, they are firmly of the opinion that this church is a cult and that I should RUN not walk to the resignation line. Obviously, this does not help me at all. All it has done is make my feeling of discord stronger. Well what if I don't want to resign? What if I actually believe in the BoM? I hope that none of this post raises contention...I firmly believe in my heart that I would rather suffer in silence than cause other people problems or to have doubts or concerns. I am just not sure what to do. I am so very fearful of talking about some of my historical or "logical" concerns with anybody from the ward. I just can't take the chance of causing someone to doubt...to be a stumbling block to someone. Dear God...I just can't bare the thought. I just want to be happy and have peace! You have all been very kind to me here...I appreciate your thoughts. I am so happy to be a member...please bear with me as I suffer through this low period. I am happy to be wrong as I know that it is through mistakes that we learn great lessons.

I understand what you mean... I've been investigating the church heavily...I would often read as much anti-Mormon material as possible and then turn around and read the opposite. I would read and compare and in general I found that the positive messages of the church were much more compelling than the negative 'spirit' if you will coming from anti websites. In the end, I had to make a choice with my spirit guiding my final decision. Looking at both sides with compelling arguments, it was a difficult decision to decide what was truth or not. The funny thing is, even while I was an investigator (I'll be getting baptized tonight at 8:30pm EST) I found myself defending the church when I would hear in regular conversation blatant lies and half truths.

I genuinely feel happy when I am surrounded by those from the church. The 'spirit' on them is genuinely attractive. Almost like happy juice or something...I have found it almost impossible not to be extremely elated after every visit from church and or a house visit from Elders or church members. It is typically my 'private research' into toxic things that causes my pain. I have also found that whenever I read the scriptures...whenever I read books from the church I feel peace. One of my favorite books I enjoy reading is 'Teachings of Presidents of the Church, Joseph Smith' I have found that book to be a blessing each and every time I read it. I have had multiple times in my life where I have felt the adversary grip me in such a grasp of fear and despair that I was assured I would collapse to sudden destruction. Joseph Smith's account of that very thing resonates strongly with me...as do a lot of the churches teachings.

My sincere thanks for everyone's replies...both here and through PM's. The unbelievable sincere responses from everybody has been a real blessing. I've been reading these replies daily over the last day or so...many of them multiple times. Last night...I was sitting down and talking to my wife about some of these replies. I was talking about the struggle I was having...how happy the spirit makes me feel and that there is 'something about this church that just will not leave me'. For example, when that gentleman walked into my X-ray room and I realized he was a Mormon it was as if someone placed a mirror in front of me and I immediately saw where I was and where I had been. I saw a spiritual reflection and I suddenly realized where I was and how far I had gone in the wrong direction. Immediatly I felt the spirit on this man...the same spirit I had felt many times at church that I had not felt in a long time. Anyway...too continue my post...I was talking with my wife last night about these things...and the struggle I was continuing to have...and what happens you might ask? Ahh...nothing but a knock on the door...who could it be? Who Else! The Elders made a random visit last night. They suddenly 'felt' to come by unannounced. I was never so happy to see the Missionaries as I was last night. I bore my heart and soul to them over these issues and the calm and peaceful spirit I felt from them gave me an assurance that I needed to help me have peace. I have kept my scriptures close to my heart today...reading them often as work would allow. I have not tried to be rude about it at work...usually I am the shy type so I would not read scriptures in public, however, my earnest desire to continue to read was too much to hide today. I have prayed a little bit...compared to 'never' and I felt peace each and every time. I came home today and I told my wife that did not want to wait any longer. I have felt this strong feeling all day to 'just follow me....follow your heart' and it has lead me to baptism. My wife and I are scheduled to be baptized not this weekend but next weekend on the 27th. I am so excited. I know that I might be tried hard this week but I am going to pray through it. I can't give up now...I'm not going to let the adversary stop me now. He has stopped me so many times in the past...so many times have I became depressed and saddened as I would fill my mind with things that only brought me pain and anguish. A leap of faith indeed...but I suppose that is why it is called faith isn't it? I am truly thankful for the support and kindness...I have been soaking it up like a sponge over the last couple of days... -Jorsen

Greetings! I need help...(no not just therapy but that probably too :) ) I've been investigating the church off and on for quite awhile. I spent 6-8 months attending a local ward and investigated heavily. There were many times I almost took the plunge but I refrained due to lingering thoughts. I have no intention of getting baptized only to then doubt myself and have a lack of faith and then go against the covenants I have made. In my mind, it is better to work through these feelings of doubt and concern now instead of being only 'half a believer' instead of a whole hearted one. Here's my problem... I've investigated Mormonism as deeply as I can. I've read anti mormon websites and pro mormon websites. I find compelling arguments on both sides which seem plausible. In the end it has left me so confused that I don't know what to do. When I look at myself...I am 26 years old married and I have 2 step children and one biological (they are all mine in my opinion but just trying to be specific). My oldest is a atheistic minded kid who doesn't believe in anything he can't see. I can respect that as I have those feelings often myself. My wife is a free spirit who loves God with all her heart but does not feel the need to be restricted by a religious denomination. I respect that as well and the thing I envy from her is her happiness in her own skin. My middle child is pro Jesus and christian and baptized in the baptist church (her father is baptist) and basically likes going to church. My youngest (biological) is only 3 and is too young for such things. Why do I say all this about my family? Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I join a church at all it will impact my entire family completely in different ways. I want so badly to make a 'correct decision' and not to make a mistake. I've investigated Atheism, Paganism, Liberal Christianity, Unitarian Universalism, Pentecostal (raised in it) and Mormonism. Overall, my research into Christian history and the history of the Bible in my opinion has destroyed some credibility of the "Christian Church" as a whole and also some of the integrity of the Bible itself of being an infallible word of God as in every single letter sentence etc is 100% truth. Through this, I have found that the Latter Day Saint revelation of 'restoration' makes the most sense and seems to be the only church so far in my opinion that seems like the 'real deal'. So, if I do join a Christian church...the only one I would consider at this time would be the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. So...naturally...with that in mind...what do the anti mormon websites do? They try to beat the daylights out of any kind of testimony of the book of mormon and joseph smith. They mention all sorts of things...Adam God Doctrine...racist comments from Brigham Young...Joseph Smith using a hat and a seer stone...marrying other mens wives...etc etc etc ad nauseum. It is very confusing and very disruptive. Fortunately, I have found a great deal of help from LightPlanet.com > World Religion and Family Resources and also LDS FAIR Apologetics Homepage. These two non official church websites work hard at combatting anti mormon propaganda. Through all this propaganda and a general feeling of not being able to 'hold up' to the standard of the church (no coffee no tea tithing holding callings etc) I stopped going to the Mormon church after a good 6-8 months of faithful attending albeit roller-coaster spiritual feelings. A month ago at my job I was taking some X-ray's of a gentleman (I'm an x-ray tech my trade) and as he was removing his shirt and dress pants to put on an x-ray gown I noticed he was wearing the temple garments. I immediatly paused in my tracks...almost in awe. There he was...a Mormon! First one I'd seen in a long time...at least 6 months perhaps longer. Not only was he a mormon but he was living it! A Temple attending Mormon...the real deal...no messing around here. I worked with him kindly and after everything was said and done I told him that "I just wanted to say that your church was a massive blessing to my wife and I for almost a year during some difficult times financially and spiritually". He smiled and shook my hand as I then said "I've thought about going back some times...." Then he looked at me and said "Their is a reason you feel that way...you should...you should go back." He left and after that I had such a spirit of peace on me like I had not felt in a long time...He had a spirit with him...that I had not felt since I had been to that church. I immediatly went home and began reading the Book of Mormon and "A marvelous work and a wonder" by Legrande Richards? I was even reading a little bit from time to time from "The Articles of Faith" by Talmage. I felt so spiritually enabled for the first time in so long...I told my wife how she felt and she felt good about it and mostly wanted to support me. I've had an anxiety disorder (panic attacks) for about 2 years and when I first met the Missionaries it was right after being diagnosed. I was a mental wreck....but The church was a huge blessing for my wife and I. They gave us food and love and financial support that kept us going totally at least 5000 dollars. I cannot thank them enough for the love and support we recieved during that difficult time. Feeling this continued love from that man and from God, I called the Missionaries and my old friend from that Ward I went to (I have since moved about 10-15 miles away thus putting me within another Ward's district but I still contacted my old Ward). The missionaries called the local ward I'm registered to go to (as much as an investigator can be registered anyway) and they came and visited my family. We took a lesson or two just to refresh and it wasn't long before my wife and I made a baptismal date for next month. Of course though...one of my coworkers who is more atheistic paganistic minded (as I was for awhile) saw my book I was reading (Marvelous Work and a Wonder) and immediatlely slammed me for investigating that "crap". Pretty soon after a few days of steady filled doubt going in my head I began to wonder if I felt the spirit at all. A few weeks now...I have not attended the Ward nor talked to the missionaries. Surely I feel so bad for being such a spiritual roller coaster. One day I feel good about the gospel...the next day I feel "well maybe there is nothing to this" and I relish in evolutionary theory or divination or other new age spiritual thoughts. My problem is that I feel no peace or comfort in evolution or atheism. I feel none of it. However, because of all this anti mormon stuff and evolutionary things that make sense to me, I don't trust my 'spirit' anymore. It's like I torture myself...I can be somewhat happy being more agnostic or atheistic....but I keep the Mormon books around and I'll pick up a "Teaching of the Presidents of the Church" book and read a chapter or two and I feel genuinely good about it. Then I'm more confused. Combine this with an Anxiety disorder and a big ole fear of biting the big one every day and I'm a real wreck sometimes. My wife just wants me to find peace...but I'm so inconsistent and I beat myself up all the time for not being 'sure' about what I want to do. Even though I'm 26 I feel like a adolecent from time to time due to my emotional roller coasters. Anyway...I've been lurking here for awhile and everyone here seems knowledgable and kind and will say what needs to be said. I figured I would take a chance and throw my whole little situation out in the air and get some responses...I'm an investigator and I'm having trouble! Thanks for reading, -Jorsen