high5

Misshalfway, thank you for your words. I think that it is not a big deal to have someone bar me from being around children if that gives them peace of mind. But people are proactive in their protection of their children and I have this feeling that I need to tell people my story in order to clear the air. I am in good standing in the church. My probation was that I not take the sacrament for 2 months and that I not speak in church or offer a prayer in church. My Temple Recommend was taken and I thought the comment that I would not be able to teach in primary was part of the conditions. I wish in hindsight that I could go back and ask many questions but the years have gone by and I do not think that I will get straight answers from this guy. Part of which might be that he will not remember the details of what happened on his end. All I really want to know is do I have a 'flagged' file (I have not asked my current bishop). I am pretty sure that there is some way that they flag a file of pedophiles to protect the wards and kids from their preditory behaviors. I am of the same mind as you are about this but truthfully I would gladly suffer in hell that have my kids affected by this. I wish sometimes I had not confessed my SSA.

I have read all of the posts and I would encourage all who read this to give heed. I am married and struggle with same sex attraction. Years ago I also indulged in internet pornography and eventually had my wife find out by catching me on the internet. I was immediately forgiven by her and we went to counseling and work out a lot of pain but I was in so much pain because of shame. It was spiritual pain and was the worst feelings that I have ever had in my life. I felt that I did not deserve my wife and I could not look at her. I have nightmares and depression and did not have any recourse. I prayed and things eased a bit but I finally decided to tell my bishop. I told him and felt some relief and started to feel as though I was going to be able to put this behind me. The bishop called my wife in to talk to her alone and so I do not know what they talked about but I reflect back all of the time about my confession to my bishop and in hindsight began to put a few things together. I am sorry for this long post but I have never told anyone this story or my feelings. Anyway my wife was very hurt by what I had done. She thought that I did not love her and she stated that I physically repulsed her. So I was getting mixed messages because she had been so comforting to me in my darkest hour. I began to realize that I was being selfish in the repentance process and I needed to find out what her needs were in getting through this. She basically felt that we needed to spend more together and go to the temple pray and I agreed but she gave me the direct idea that things like this are to be keep between us and that part of her getting past this was that I not dwell upon it or that we not discuss it anymore. It felt a bit like denial to me. Anyway story is not over. My bishop in that interview/confessional asked me if there was anyone else that may have discussed this with and I said no. I know that it is something that is taboo in the church to talk about same sex attraction. However I have kept the secret all of my life so I knew why he asked me this. However I felt almost immediately that he had talked about this in his bishop's meeting because I noticed the ward giving me the cold shoulder. I was in that ward for 2 more years before we moved. I confronted the bishop asking if he had discussed it with anyone in the ward and he said that he did not think that he had. Anyway as we moved into a new ward and I had been several years removed from these sins I began to feel happy and strong in the church for the first time in my life. My marriage was stronger that it has ever been and my SSA is waning. I feel in hindsight that confessing was a cleansing thing for me however there was an unintended consequence of this whole deal. I have started to feel alienated in this ward and I have a son who is just starting to start in scouts. Many of the dads have attended camp outs with their sons. I get comments like 'you are not going to go are you' from several people in the ward. One woman asked me at a church activity if I was a pedophile. I asked her what she was talking about and she said oh I knew someone once upon a time that reminded her of me and that he went to jail for molesting some kids. I began to hear more and more things like this that concerned me but I thought nothing of it until my sister came into town and told me that there is a guy in her ward that the bishop had said could not be allowed around children. She said that the bishop had told them that he should not be around children. Then it seemed to me that somehow my confession had put me in with pedophiles. But how could my new ward know about my Same Sex Attraction. Then I remembered that confessional. The bishop pulled me out of my calling and asked me not to take the sacrament for a few weeks and said that I would not be able to teach in the primary. I have this creeping feeling that there is a black mark next to my name in the records of the church. I also fear that this will travel with me where ever I go. When men view pornography that is heterosexual in nature do they get the same black mark by their name stating 'Can not work with kids'? Anyway I have not asked anyone about this because it is embarrassing to me. Do not doubt me in my explanation of this situation because my kids have said that other kids in the ward have said that they are not allowed to play at our house. The list goes on and on. Help