sworiginal77

I finally turned to the lord for help, I had a blessing on Sunday from two priesthood holders who know what is going on. Prayers are now being said as a family, couple and personal, on my part at least. We haven't started scripture study yet, but my head is so far up my backside at the moment - work, university assignment and test, as well as a job interview, that even if I could find the time, I doubt I'd be able to take anything in. But I will try. At present things are going good between my wife and I, I just hope we can maintain it, rather than reverting to countdown until it or I break it down again. Thanks once again. PS Aussie, I don't really do other forums, those that I am on are hobby/interest related, nothing to do with church, and I definitely haven't posted anything about this topic elsewhere. Thanks faded - will PM soon

I understand where both Aussie and crazy are coming from, I just know that I needed those details, my wife definately didn't want to tell, but understood why I needed to know them - I have a self destructive/masochistic personality and it would have eaten me up not knowing, even more so than knowing. Anything I may have been told about being bigger, better, etc, were taken with deep scepticism, and even a white lie would have hurt deeply. As I said, I understand the theory, but would have found it hard to believe.

I agree with some of the things Aussie says, but plenty I disagree with either - personal opinions and experiences. In my experience buttering things up will only hurt more. If you lull someone into a false sense of security and then drop this on them you are not showing remorse - in my opinion at least. This is no doubt the hardest thing someone can be told by a loved one, and there is no easy way to do it, it will put your spouse on the edge of despair. Do not be patronizing when talking about your infidelity. There is nothing wrong with being candid, as long as you are being truthful. You don't want to hurt them more than you have to, but telling them falsehoods to make him feel better won't help. I needed to know what my wife did, how they did it, how she felt, thought, almost to the point where I was destroying myself with this knowledge. I was told it was rubbish and I refused to believe it, then she explained in detail what happened and it made more sense. I still think she is trying to protect me, but her story hasnt changed in almost 4 months and so I need to start believing it now. In spite of what you tell your husband, he will imagine what you did as being far worse than reality. So you could do as aussie suggests, but personally I would have pulled the information apart and created my own re!pity, and should the real truty ever come out, I would have felt betrayed all over again. You are in a no win situation, where your husband has to play the hand he has been dealt in a way that works best for him, either with you or without. I do not envy you or condone what you have done, I only hope you manage to survive this and move foward into a future where you can find some happiness - wit& or without your husband.

I agree with some of the things Aussie says, but plenty I disagree with either - personal opinions and experiences. In my experience buttering things up will only hurt more. If you lull someone into a false sense of security and then drop this on them you are not showing remorse - in my opinion at least. This is no doubt the hardest thing someone can be told by a loved one, and there is no easy way to do it, it will put your spouse on the edge of despair. Do not be patronizing when talking about your infidelity. There is nothing wrong with being candid, as long as you are being truthful. You don't want to hurt them more than you have to, but telling them falsehoods to make him feel better won't help. I needed to know what my wife did, how they did it, how she felt, thought, almost to the point where I was destroying myself with this knowledge. I was told it was rubbish and I refused to believe it, then she explained in detail what happened and it made more sense. I still think she is trying to protect me, but her story hasnt changed in almost 4 months and so I need to start believing it now. In spite of what you tell your husband, he will imagine what you did as being far worse than reality. So you could do as aussie suggests, but personally I would have pulled the information apart and created my own re!pity, and should the real truty ever come out, I would have felt betrayed all over again. You are in a no win situation, where your husband has to play the hand he has been dealt in a way that works best for him, either with you or without. I do not envy you or condone what you have done, I only hope you manage to survive this and move foward into a future where you can find some happiness - wit& or without your husband.

EAll of this is made all the harder as I am studying at university retraining, holding down a fulltime job, having to find a job for when my current contract runs out - all three of the above are related, and my wife added this on top of what was already going to be a stressful year without her revelation. Hence energy reserves are running on fumes. The initial vengeance I felt towards him, led me to his door with a tyre iron/wheel brace in my hand and had he opened the door, I would have put it through the front of his skull. Fortunately for both of us, he chose not to open the door, he didn't even acknowledge I was there - although he did phone my mobile, which i had purposefully left at home; what he would have said to me had I answered is anybody's guess. At the same time, my wife had phoned a mutual friend and within minutes three members were out looking for me - she had just. told me who the person was and was worried and distraught at what I might do. Now I can put that down to temporary insanity as I have never done anything like that ever. But the only reason I haven't followed through on that, or anything similar since then is because of the repercussions and consequences. Doesn't mean I don't want to do it though. There is not enough money on the entire planet that would compensate for this year, or convince me to live through it again. Oh well ... I'm going to have to place this one at my lords feet, because I'm all but done. I believe my wife loves me, I want to love her and not have the baggage to deal with, and I think we can make it. Just have to find a way through it. (edit addition) I spoke to my wife yesterday, as she knows how difficult I am finding everything. We or rather she said the first companionship prayer we have ever done together. And she stated she wants to be temple worthy so we can go together before the years out. So things are moving forward. I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments and thoughts.

Moving away is not currently viable, although that may change in a couple of months. Neither is going temporarily to another ward. We have 4 kids, two of which are in youth and at an age where they are questioning church attendance. Going to another ward is just likely to tip the balance for them. That and it only postpones the inevitable having to deal with him later at stake events, conferences and returning to our home ward. Our Bishop did offer this option to us in the beginning, and understood why we turned it down. That and why should I be driven away from my ward and friends because of the actions of another?! As painful and soul destroying as it maybe - also going back to the poison analogy, ingesting small amounts of poison can have adverse effects to begin with, without being life threatening, but over a course of time can build an immunity towards it. I understand what has been suggested and said about forgiveness, but I am just not in a place to do that for/to him, whereas with my wife I am wanting to do so and am willing to work towards that with her. I've had a bad few days and this has led to some deep conversations about everything with my wife - most of which ended in bad feelings on both parts. I've a problem with what she tells me about the affair. She stated that for her the sex was a by product of the affair - that he was telling her he loved her and that she was beautiful the way she is, etc, all of these things she needed me to tell her, as she honestly believed I nolonger loved her. Because of these words having sex with him was easier to do. Fortunately for me the sex wasn't up to much, well that is what she tells me. Over the course of the affair the sex didnt improve much and she realised although she longed to hear what he was saying, she didn't have the connection to him that she had with me. Unbeknownst to me, we also had sex in the same time frame of the affair, which also then made her realise what she had with me, and could she ever feel the same with him or anybody else? The affair ended two days later. I just can't get my head around why she was having sex with him when she had no physical connection with him, not even emotional connections, other than enjoying and needing to hear the things he was telling her, and repeatedly going back and having sex, when it was mediocre at best (again her words). I have come to the realisation I will never understand, but that doesn't stop me questioning or make it easier. I also cant stop the thoughts of what they got up to, all of which are depleting my energy reserves. But yesterday my wife saw i was in a very bad place and let me know that she told me of the affair, she ended the affair, she hates what she did and how it effects me, and although she cant change those things, she loves me and will never do this again. She will not allow me to seld destruct or inadvertently destroy the marriage now that we are able to fix it and make it stronger - especially when I am having a good day, it is the best our marriage has ever been. So i am just going to have to try harder. As for spirituality tally board, that's not a bad idea. Something we could get the kids involved in without them knowing the real reason why.

Moving away is not currently viable, although that may change in a couple of months. Neither is going temporarily to another ward. We have 4 kids, two of which are in youth and at an age where they are questioning church attendance. Going to another ward is just likely to tip the balance for them. That and it only postpones the inevitable having to deal with him later at stake events, conferences and returning to our home ward. Our Bishop did offer this option to us in the beginning, and understood why we turned it down. That and why should I be driven away from my ward and friends because of the actions of another?! As painful and soul destroying as it maybe - also going back to the poison analogy, ingesting small amounts of poison can have adverse effects to begin with, without being life threatening, but over a course of time can build an immunity towards it. I understand what has been suggested and said about forgiveness, but I am just not in a place to do that for/to him, whereas with my wife I am wanting to do so and am willing to work towards that with her. I've had a bad few days and this has led to some deep conversations about everything with my wife - most of which ended in bad feelings on both parts. I've a problem with what she tells me about the affair. She stated that for her the sex was a by product of the affair - that he was telling her he loved her and that she was beautiful the way she is, etc, all of these things she needed me to tell her, as she honestly believed I nolonger loved her. Because of these words having sex with him was easier to do. Fortunately for me the sex wasn't up to much, well that is what she tells me. Over the course of the affair the sex didnt improve much and she realised although she longed to hear what he was saying, she didn't have the connection to him that she had with me. Unbeknownst to me, we also had sex in the same time frame of the affair, which also then made her realise what she had with me, and could she ever feel the same with him or anybody else? The affair ended two days later. I just can't get my head around why she was having sex with him when she had no physical connection with him, not even emotional connections, other than enjoying and needing to hear the things he was telling her, and repeatedly going back and having sex, when it was mediocre at best (again her words). I have come to the realisation I will never understand, but that doesn't stop me questioning or make it easier.

I've never thought of forgiveness in that light before - never really had the need to forgive anyone of anything on this scale before. I'm afraid of letting this anger go. I want to be able to forgive my wife, I'm just not in a place yet, where i can say it and mean it wholeheartedly. I'm scared that if I let go of the anger we could become complacent again - with us returning to a marriage that will fizzle out and die, or worse yet more infidelity on either part. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to think about this all the time, but what took place is never far from my waking thoughts. I want to love and be in love witu my wife, but struggle as she has caused me so much pain. As for the other member, not only did he have an affair with my wife, he told me a couple of weeks before the affair took place that in spite of how he made his feelings for my wife known a couple of years back, he had now moved on and shook my hand. Not only was he lying to me he then went looking for my wife. I take what he did as a personal attack, and not someone who got caught up in an affair which could be understandable, he went looking for it. He found a chink in my wifes armour and she accepted his advances. That is why i choose not to let go of my hatred for him. This may change with time but i doubt it.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments. I can't say I have turned to my father in prayer or read scriptures since posting here, I know I need to, but haven't the heart to face either. The fact I haven't seen the other member in a fortnight is a good thing for me, but instead of getting hung up on him, I have just looked for other things to become upset about, such as my wires apparent lack of effort in meeting her requirements. Should I leave this to her and our bishop? Should I concentrate on what I need to do? What can I do when I have no desire to pray or read scripture? Is it enough to go through the motions each Sunday when I am questioning why I am there? As you can see this has knocked me for 6, and I really don't know how I feel about church at present.

I know you havent stated the sin you commited, but i can tell you from my experience no matter which way you choose to go, you will eventually cause your spouse pain. Let me explain. I have only just recently found out my wife had commited adultery with a member of our ward. It was a short lived affair, and something she now describes as a horrible mistake. As with the majority of cheated upon spouses, i knew nothing of her infidelity, until she told me. It was the single most horrible thing i have ever had to deal with. The person i married, the person i chose to be my eternal companion, and worked towards getting a temple reccomend with, had just thrown my life upside down. To make matters worse, only two days before the revelation she had started an argument, apparently from nowhere, accusing me of not loving her - only then for me to reassure her that i did. I found out two days later that the reason behind this argument had been that she had just ended the affair and was unsure as to whether she had made the right decision by ending it and returning to the person shesupposedly loved - being me. Unfortunately when she told me of the affair, she hid the actual identity of the other person, and said it had been with a stranger, that she had got to know at the gym. This was bad enough. She then broke down four days after the first confession, and told me who it had been. Not only did i have to live through the humiliation of my wife having an affair, i then almost had got used to the idea of this stranger nolonger being in her life, only to then find out i would see this person every sunday at church. I was wracked with hatred, fear, anger, despair, loathing, self loathing, but decided to try and make a go and repair the damage that had been done to our marriage. I felt like a mug, especially at giving her a second chance, after all nobody would have blamed me for walking away, but to stay and have to face her partner every sunday was no easy decision to make, but my love for her, and the fact that she had told me about what she had done, put us in a position where we could build a better relationship, and out of something deeply horrifying, we had the chance to make something far better than we had had previously. This was and is no mean feat, and i still struggle with what my wife did three months ago, today. I would have blissfully gone on with my life not knowing what my wife had done, until a point where i would have found out through some other source/reason, and even if i hadnt found out, my marriage would probably have ended at some point in the future because we were drifting apart without realising it. You could keep it to yourself - but the fact you have posted here indicates you feel remorseful, and know what you currently feel is not right. If you love your spouse, you owe it to them to tell them the truth. They will go through hell, there is no escape from this, but they deserve to be able to make their own decision as to what they will do with the revelation. They may choose to leave you, but they may also choose to forgive you and rebuild what you have/had. During the early days of having being told, i asked my wife why she had told me. She said she was sorry for what she had done and needed to put it right with me and our Lord. I asked her why she couldn't have kept it to herself, and she then said that because she had ended the affair, the other member had felt anger towards her. He had opened his heart to her and let her know his true feelings about her, and she didnt feel this in return. What she had taken out of the affair, she needed me to do for her - tell her she was loved for who she is, not who she was, or should be, and as such he was going to wait until after Christmas and then tell his wife, meaning the truth would have come out eventually. And so realising the mistake she had made and having ended the affair on the Thursday, she told me the following Tuesday, to then tell me everything that Saturday and Sunday. There is no brilliant outcome for your situation. You keep it secret, you wrack yourself with guilt, despair, self lothing, anger, and whatever else you may feel. You tell your spouse, you will put them at the brink of despair, only for them to then have to make a life altering decision, which will have repercussions that will last for many years to come. But at one point in your life, you loved your spouse, and as such you owe it to them to tell tem the truth. Repentence will have to happen whatever you choose, but only real repentence can come when you follow the path that was laid out for us.

Wisc The latter bold part of your post really brought it home to me - yes the current situation would pale into insignificance, and that revelation made me quite emotional (although i did manage to hold it together). Unfortunately the first part of your post is unlikely to ever happen. I have no problem with the other members wife, although we do not talk due to associations we both hold with our respective spouses - she has taken him back also. Bishop has advised that neither families have anything to do with each other at church or elsewhere, and that there be no communication at all. All of which is fine by me. I have no intention of ever forgiving the other member as not only did he sleep with my wife, who admittedly was a willing/involved party, but he also did this against me. I would never say we were friends but our families had associated with each other. There is also a past to the infidelity on his part, where he made his feelings known a few years back, about my wife, but nothing ever happened, as my wife had no interest in him. He even told me a few weeks before the indiscretion, that what he had made known previously was all over with and that he had moved on - he even shook my hand! So i will willingly take my hatred of and for him with me to the grave. I know the lord states that we are required to forgive every one, and he is the only person who can judge, and this is smething i am willing to face my maker about. In time my feelings about and towards him will lessen, but i will still choose not to forgive. A mutual friend had suggested the mediated meeting, but also understood why it would never take place. The other member has a history of inactivity, and a rocky marriage. I would never wish inactivity on anyone, but i would happily see him never return to my ward/stake. I have had many thoughts as to what i would like to happen to him, and when i found out, even acted on one of them. In the cold light of day i'm glad nothing happened when i turned up at his door, as i would be paying for those consequences for a very long time, if not eternally, but that does not mean i would still not want to do those things, i just choose not to. I also broke the word of wisdom that night in a big way (i had a period of some years away from the church and fell on some old crutches) and had a member friend watch me do so, as he realised if he didnt i would have done these things anyway, and at least he would have some control over what i did if he was there, and i thank him for doing this for me - others might not agree he did the right thing, but my bishop also thanked him for doing this. I am not innocent, things were not brilliant in my marriage before my wifes infidelity, nothing serious, but not good either. And if nothing else the current situation has made us realise how bad things were, and what we need to do to rectify this. Something that my wife and i are working on as best we can. Thank you once again for your advice - all of you. Please keep the comments and thoughts coming.

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm having a little difficulty reading some of them, as I'm having to post this from my phone - as much as I'm being honest with my wife, I know she wouldn't appreciate me posting about our troubles. Most of the things that have been suggested make sense, just going to have to bite the bullet and do things that I haven't done in a long time - saying prayers reading scriptures etc. When I said "blow up" I meant verbally as in causing or starting an argument, intentionally or not. This happened yesterday at church; it was UK's Mothers Day, and I was doing my best jot to start anything. I have not long been called to a position where I may have to spend time away from my wife in Sunday School, and as such we were both out of lesson at the start but both went in. During RS and Priesthood she didn't to in as she got hijacked and then spoke to a friend. I was uneasy about her not being in RS, not through distrust, as other member was not there, but I couldnt concentrate, and so took myself out of lesson and sat outside the building, as it was a nice day. At end of the lesson time she came and found me, and asked why i was outside. I was honest with my answer which led to ill feeling between us for the rest of the day. So again I ruined not only another Sunday but Mothers Day for her as well, as the kids obviously picked up on it as well. I am quick to verbal anger, and when I am not it gets bottled up until it overflows, causing bigger arguments. I struggle with what happened, more struggle to understand what she was feeling during the affair, rather than the mechanics of it, and as such I repeat that conversation/argument a lot. But with time i am slowly mending, but church is slower than me mentally. I have a few good friends who know, but i cant keep dumping this at their feet. Needless to say this is the single hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.

Hi - new to forum, not new to gospel. I'm needing some advice. Been married almost 7 years and three months ago my wife informed me she had had a week long affair with a member of my ward, which she ended. Been through heartache, emotional upheaval, anger, hatred, and being reminded of my wifes infidelity weekly when I see him. We are still together and working through it. On good days its the best our marriage has ever been. On flipside bad days are really bad with me reliving what I have been told. Both my wife and other member ( he's a married member as well) have been through disciplinary process, and although my wife confessed to me about the affair, and wanted to repent in the eyes of the lord, I have yet to see her repentance process regarding church manifest itself. We both attend church, she meets the basic requirements regarding congregation stuff. But I don't see her saying personal prayers, reading scriptures, or going to lessons or meetings willingly. Admittedly I struggle with some of these as well. I am also starting to question my attendance on Sundays, because of seeing him, and the feelings that this brings to the surface. But if my wife is dragging her feet with putting her church life straight, I also ask wheres the point in putting myself through the hurt of Sundays to feel rubbish and not get the spiritual uplift i so desperately need. (My wife has no interest in the other member, I understand where she was mentally at the time off the affair, and I believe her when she says it was a horrible mistake that she would never repeat.) How can I get past this when I still feel a strong hatred for him, the fact that the one person I love most has hurt me so much, I can't get the spiritual lift I need, and struggle to say prayers or study scriptures. How can i blow up at her for not showing me the things she needs to do when I can't do them myself? I love my wife, and in spite of the affair I believe her when she says she loves me, and will never put me through this anguish ever again. But I'm on a huge rollercoaster with no set path to navigate through. I don't want to push her away. I just want us to go back to the temple together ASAP. Any thoughts comments ideas greatly appreciated.