MissionaryCC

I don't have any callings right now. I didn't think you could receive a calling if you weren't living the standards, or in the process of repenting?

Thanks for the help you guys. I have thought for a long time I might be addicted, or have been addicted, or something. I didn't look at it for a long time while I was with her. In response to not wanting to stop/being with her. I want to stop, and be with her. I just don't feel like it's wrong, which is a sign of addiction like you pointed out as well. I am going to keep on trying though, and ask my bishop the next time I meet with him where to go for the next step, be it counseling or whatever. I am going to stay away from her for now. We're still going to text every now and then, but I think that's it. I'm going to try to lead by example, and try to convey it's the best course of action to her. Thanks for recommending that talk, I've read it before, but I think I'll take some time to go more in depth with it. I am currently reading the Old Testament right now, 10 minutes each night, but I'm thinking about starting the Book of Mormon again. I guess sometimes I get to thinking that because I haven't felt anything yet I probably won't, and that's when I'm most prone to give in. So I'm going to work on that too. LDSValley, reading that list I have felt a lot of what's listed, and I think I'm ready to do it! Thanks for the advice, both of you! It helped me a lot. :)

So I have a few problems. I have been inactive for a while now, but I started returning to church about six months ago, and have had some success in feeling the spirit. I read the book of mormon for the first time in my senior year of high school(over a year and half ago) and after completing it I had such a strong testimony of the truthfulness of the church, but beforehand I had struggled with pornography. I would say it was an addiction. And I really didn't want to disclose it to my bishop, and that kept me from going back to church. Soon after I had finished the BoM, I got an LDS girlfriend. With some encouragement she got me to start going more regularly, and eventually I talked with my bishop about my past (I also informed my girlfriend of my struggles with porn). I had this girlfriend of over a year, and I decided to break up with her around a month ago. We had been struggling with the law of chastity, among other things, and I was sick of hurting myself and her every time we messed up. I was finding myself getting angry that she was strong enough to resist the temptation, while it was all I wanted. I felt like a monster, and she gave me an ultimatum: if we mess up again we have to break up. I figured it'd be better to end it now, with some dignity, and not to do it after messing up again. I was angry at first about it, because I really didn't want to stop, it was too hard for me. I told her I needed to figure out what I really wanted, and that the way we were headed now would only lead to an uglier and uglier end. I don't know if it was the right choice, or if we could have worked through it. She took it hard, and was mad I chose that instead of trying to continue working on it. We're still talking though, and getting back together is an option in the future, but I can't do it if it's going to be like how it was. So I'm trying to figure out what I want, and make sure I want to be chaste and not doing it just for her, because I was doing that when we tried and it made me resent her. But there's the problem: I don't want to stop being unchaste I'm always rationalizing doing it, and at times it dominates my thoughts. And I don't feel bad about doing it (aside from the fact that it screwed up her future). I have tried to pray about it, but I don't feel like I've had any success. I don't really feel comfortable asking for forgiveness either because I don't feel bad for doing it. I know the consequences of abusing it, as I believe porn has warped my thoughts on it (made me think of things more sexually, made me want to experiment more, made it harder to avoid those feelings, and has the power to make things more physical than emotional, etc.) I just can't get over it when I'm in that state of mind, and I want to get back with her sooo bad, because I do love her, but I can't do it. If I could just gain the self control, I would do it in a heartbeat I think. Now I'm on my own, and unfortunately pornography has crept back into my life. I slipped up a few times in a week, but I haven't viewed it in almost two weeks now, been completely chaste actually, and have confidence I can overcome it (I've disclosed all of this with my bishop btw, he told me to steer clear of it). But it just makes things all the worse if I ever do get back with her. I just am so distraught about my situation now, and I just want things to click gospel wise. I feel like I've been trying, but it hasn't come. I don't feel the gospel anymore. She is being really great about it, all things considered, and I want to be with her so bad. But I have to make sure I'm doing these things for myself. She's also tried to get me to get my family to start going, they're all inactive. I know she's coming from a good place, but I always get mad because she seems too pushy about it. I would like my family to go more, and have told them I think it'd be good for them, but I don't like to be pushy because I want them to do it for themselves and not because I badgered them into going. So does anyone know of any good talks on the subject that I could, and her, could read that would help us go about it in a good way? Sorry for the length :/ It was kinda a rant about things, but any and all advice is appreciated! Thanks everyone!