seanroberts

The General thesis of your comment is flawed. I never thought I had to wisk her away or save her. All I knew in 1987 is that this girl made me feel eternal peace and heaven when we looked at each other. "A peace that surpaseth all understanding", is how I would later recognize this feeling I had with her. That said, the peace I sought after and felt for at church, or life was tied directly into this core feeling. This was my inner strength. My love for her, her's for me, this promise of an eternal love together, made me exceedingly confident my whole life, and was my citadel and shelter from all the various woes in my life. She was my goal in Heaven and in Earth. Losing that dream was like losing my goal in the afterlife as well. I would have killed myself if I thought my suffering would end. Dreams and visions of the future were what I thought were God's promises to me. That is how deep the concept of an eternal companion meant to me. That love was worth waiting for, not having sex all my life for, doing everything I could I thought I knew was right for. I sacrificed chances with wonderful, worthy girls that liked me because they did not resemble the girl i saw in my dream. I sacrificed chances with hot slutty girls that wanted to bang me, but they too did not sufficiently remind me of her, so I threw those chances away too. The time came I found out who the girl of my dreams was, and I also threw away my chances with her initially, then tried to save it, almost did, but decided against it because of my rigid flawed sense of absolute right and wrong. Yes she had become an "alt", "sorta goth", 3 time high school drop out, possible drug user, but the war between good and evil in my heart was over and peace was there when i saw her, and the "good" in my heart wanted to dominate, and scuttled my own chances with her, shooting myself proverbally in the foot when I didn't need to, and consigning her to mingle more with the bad influences in her life, and not me. I turned her away, when i could have drawn her close. too many times. once is too many. then I tried to get her back, did, became friends again, and turned her away again when we could have gotten closer. i'm really conflicted, and didn't want it to be her, but it was, and is. No actually, she'll probably save herself, or pull herself out of her own turmoil. Or not. I'm not worried about her like that either way, because there is nothing I can do, and I'm shut out of her contact at her request, yet I still feel what is going on in her life if I like it or not, because of the promises we made before we were born, or something. That is the only way I can imagine a connection of some supernatural nature can still be there even though we've both passed through the veil of forgetfulness, yet we still know each other, and are connected. What I struggle with now is pangs of sadness at what might have been, and seeing how well matched up we could have been if she stayed in school, away from drug dealers, away from her child hood molester/rapist 1st cousin. I am saddened and reminded of what could have been, should have been, and would have been. The rest of your point makes no sense honestly, but I do appreciate your thoughts/effort.

yes slamjet. Reading your posts, I did not think you actually read everything I wrote. Whats the surprise here? I stated I fell in love with this face I saw in my dream when I was 10 years old. I wait all my life for this girl to come out of no where and make me feel heaven looking in her eyes, and turns out it was my cousin who was 14 or 15 at the time I realized it was her. I actually moved away for 8 months to get away from the city, threw myself at work, kept looking for someone else perhaps, then 2010 the last dream came true, and no one else made me feel like that, and I accepted that she is the girl of my dreams and the one I waited all my life for. I try talking to her, but turns out she has been molested by her 1st cousin, -my other 2nd cousin, and had sexual relations with him, mostly in the form of re-living the original rape, she tolerates living with him, her parents do nothing to stop him because he is a drug dealer, and a source of their drugs, and meanwhile I've already gone to the COPS, FBI, and office of children services. Yeah, turns out he molested her early 2000s when she was a little girl. Then moved back in to rape her 2008. he still lives there....

Thanks Loudmouth, I think I will get some help now. I don't want to keep feeling worse and worse. I've gotten help before, but I didn't know for what. My mom broke my nose when I was 3 years old, and that is long before some people's earliest memories. My life experiences, and memories have been punctuated by bleeding, pain, suffering, fear, and anxiety that I would be assaulted again. people have no idea what that specifically is like, even if I try to tell them. I told my friend once, and his own personal defense mechanisms kicked in, and he tried joking about it in his own way. It wasn't discovered or diagnosed with a broken nose till I was 18 and tried going out for the Army National guard. I passed everything, then in the physical the doc looked at my nose and asked me why I said I lied about that on my application saying I don't have any broken bones. I stood there in my underwear confused as to why he'd say that about my nose, or that I was lying, when I could not recall exactly when it was broken off the top of my head. The memory was not diminished, but she broke my nose because she thought I told on her to my aunt and made her complain, when it was clear to everyone in the village she was drinking too much, and my aunt wanted my mom to tone it down. so i learned not to talk about it on the spot, and since.

Thanks Funky Town for the sentiment. Yes, it does "get real" from time to time. The dreams I mean. The dreams of the future came true, including the one I was looking forward to the most, and it was more complicated than I understood. Always more to the story, and definitely so in this case. Yes I lost her, by my fault, dis-belief, by choice, by doing what I thought was right, by abstaining from sin, by protecting an under-aged girl from the exposure to complexities of a relationship. I often wondered what it meant when people took the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and felt ashamed, and wandered off and fell into sin. What was there to be ashamed of? I was ashamed that the I would feel that way about my under-aged cousin, and that she'd feel that way about me (taking a liking to), and acted like nothing happened, and look for someone else. Anyway, the existential truths can wait. I'm on here, because the suffering continues on my part. I can still feel her. She literally seems like my other half. I didn't know what she liked about these cars she liked, then I drove one last week, and it hit home, and it was like driving a car for the first time. My jaw dropped. Lots of little things this week, and last that have been pulling, tugging, and punching my heart. It's agony. Nice little silver lining for today though: "and after the lord shall restore you after the days of tribulation", or something. Bible trivia app. Just made me think one day i'll know what love is again, and feel loved. I feel a lot of things I wish I wasn't right now. My eyes water up and I feel like crying when I think I'm feeling her during the day at work, or something. Everything sucks right now, but I try to remember that if I make it through the temple with someone else, then this will be over. My relationship with my cousin seems like it was made in heaven and earth however, and she is the only one with all the keys to my heart, and then some. Reminds me of Old Testament times when people were forbidden to marry outside their race, or country in the church, and had to marry someone very specific, or something. I just remember something like that in the bible.

Loud: last time i asked about ldsss my bishop just looked at me and said no and i dont know why. That was 93. Havent tried lately

I fell in love that loved me. Thats what i felt and wanted all my life. She made me feel whole and complete. I wasnt looking for anyone. I was waiting for this cute girl to come out of nowhere and withou saying or doing anything make me feel heaven when looking in here eyes. My dreams of the futre have been litteral unmistakable and an experience. Im "there". Im living exactly where i dreamed i dreamed i would be living years ag. If u asked me 10 years ago if i would one day be living where i am id say its not possible.

Watching the news one night, the show I recorded was replaced with live coverage of the Tsunami in Japan. That was freaky too, because they had footage from a Helicopter of a wall of dirty water plowing over every inch of land. That's pretty much what I saw in my dream. When I moved to this town in 95 I didn't know what direction was east, or west, or where the inlet is, and the direction of the wall of dirty water came from the direction of the inlet I later learned. Last night local news had a recording of a fly over of this town from a Helicopter and it was easy to see a similar scenario. It's kinda retarded how one of the main power plants in this town is at one of the lowest locations, and so close to the inlet. It's not nuclear, so no reason it needs to be at that spot. If a Tsunami hits like it has in times past, that thing is toast. The last major Earthquake and Tsunami that hit put the edge of town under the inlet, and the road to the inlet just goes down sharply at an angle where it once went straight. Judo: There is LDS social services, that offers counseling, but I asked for that once, and was not able to get any. I haven't tried lately, but that is probably the only counseling I'd be receptive to. I wouldn't be able to get a fraction of this story out before my mouth would be taped shut, and someone would come out and put a rubber stamp on my forehead that said "crazy". My bishop was kind and understanding and offered real advice that was applicable, and helpful, and even though he is a judge in Isreal did not judge me.

Slamjet: I dreamed a girl loved me, and made me feel love for the first time. I felt whole. That is what I looked for all my life. I feel like I failed in rescuing her, and saving her from the turmoil that followed after I foresook her as "the girl of my dreams". My under-aged cousin that admires me most of her childhood I was around, told my mom she wishes her parents were more like me (my mom was so proud of me), grows older, and wants to get closer to me, and I turn her away. That was the first time, and other times I turned her away because I just didn't want it to be the case I guess. Loudmouth: I don't just want to get over her. Two ways this could be fully resolved. We either work things out between us, which is probably never going to happen, or one of us gets married in the temple. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that is thee only way to turn it off. I don't simply, only want to get over her. I still have feelings for her, and memories of my whole life that do not feel the same without that context. For years I did not feel the weight of loneliness, because i'd hoped Id see her again. Jayanna: I hope you are wrong. If you have a connection with someone like that, I hope it shuts off at one point if it is doing no good. I ran into a former "girl of my dreams status" high school crush on facebook, and we became friends! I was so stoked! I thought the girl I saw in 87 was her, but it wasn't. close, but the other girl had short hair. I dreamed about her like I did when we went to school together, but it was way different. Roxanne got temple married, and she is spiritually off the market like that. When she actually got married years after HS, I had a dream I went running to find her like my life depended on it, and I didn't, and I woke up and it was too late. I later learned she got temple married right around the same month I had that random dream about her. -On a similar note, I had a similar dream of looking for the girl I saw in 87 when she got engaged, but instead of waking up and feeling like it was too late, I was relieved because it's not too late. She's not getting even an LDS wedding, so it's till death do they part. Like I'm some how relieved that she is going to spend the rest of her life with this guy and then suddenly be available in the next life. whatever. Rameumptum: Thanks for that. I have to wonder however, if it is possible that they all might have been right, and plural marriage would have been the way for them to go? who knows? Yeah I'm sure there is someone else out there that might be able to make it work, but the history and significance of this particular girl of my dream and what it meant to me can never be replaced. Testimony is the spirit of prophecy, and seeing the future was a huge deal to me. I feel like I failed future seeing class 101, and let down my cousin, and lost the girl I was with before I was born. For years I had a sense of same-ness, and one-ness with the future, past and present. I felt a level of comfort and inner peace that sheltered me through every life storm, and made me press through the challenges I had un-daunted. I was over-confident perhaps at times, I dare say, foolish. I don't feel at all the same with all the changes in my life. I'll feel the same again, and get it back together, and by then I wonder if that is when the flood will hit. The flood hit when I was more together, at peak spirituality, or whatever that means. I'm doing everything right, my mind, spirit, heart are all in the right place, and I'm with the spirit. I'm a freaking mess right now obviously. I don't think it is set in stone that I will only get it together to experience the flood only just after getting my life together. I think and believe it's possible to get back with the spirit and actually get a life before then. I hope anyways. Just because I didn't once foresee anything between the end of the last dream and the end of the City in flood does not mean nothing is there. I haven't had visions of the future in a long time. I've just been realizing them, maybe I have to start having them again. I've had a scant few short term ones, but nothing like the massive data dump I had when I was a kid and naturally more spiritual. I woke up with white hairs on my head that grew spontaneously overnight. That was freaky.

I have only my own thoughts about my deepest beliefs and now i doubt my entire life. Hoping to find this girl kept me pushing through this life and survive through a chronic medical condition caused be abuse i suffered from my mom. Advice would be nice but people are not being thoughtful or seem to actually see the whole picture as much as they want to reactt and pass judgement. She is not thee only girl i ever fell in love with but she was perhaps the first and longest i had hope for.

I wish u were her dad and had a shotgun. Hef dad is a neglectful piece if crap that lets his nephew rape his daughters

U ppl realize the point of this thread is dealing with the loss of an eternal companion or at least the loss of a lifetime of hopes and personal beliefs. Dreams of the future were pretty blah accept for seeing this girl 4 times. The one dream of the flood would be useful if i knew exactly when it would happen and what i should do to prepare for it. Also why i have that dream wud be good info. And dude, if u were here father litterally you would be my 1st cousin and you would be a pothead a janitor and alledgedly a drug smugler. U guus really need to think before u just react. The whole point of why im here is to get over it. I open up and be honest about the whole thing and am getting judged unfairly and harshly. I cud have just had a thread about dashed hopes or losing the dream bu t im being honest n opening up.

Is that all? Well, you haven't read the whole thing then. She wanted me at one point. That was wrong, and I knew she was too young. She liked me for years too, and I was the one to kick it to the curb. I regret it now since the last dream came true, and it was in fact her I saw in my dream in 87. Please think and read the whole thing before you post, and pass judgement. thank you

>Sensibility... The Doctrine of fore-ordination We are appointed things in this life. I don't know how it works. I don't know how there seems to be this connection there, that can not be explained by newtonian physics, and seems to be purely spiritual in nature, if not super natural. Dreams of the future were little easter eggs to me. Messages and hints from God. Only superficial hints. I realize I could have done a lot more with what I was given had I thought about it more, and dedicated myself more. Like when a disaster strikes we find out how woefully un-prepared we all are. I realize how invaluable a "time stamp" would be. That is the brass ring, and un-obtainable thing. I'd have to be SUPER MORMON MAN or Joseph Smith or something to be so blessed to actually know when a dream will happen specifically like some prophets in the Bible have been blessed with specifics. I had a dream I went to see her in this life shortly after my initial dream. A cloud carried me away and I saw her again, and I could sleep on my bed again after weeks of sleeping on the couch. I wasn't able to remember much, other than it was ok to sleep on my bed again. From the minute I woke up after I saw her, I tried to go back to sleep to see her again. I looked for her since, and my bed seemed so empty to me. After our little visit, I was all better. I appreciate your sensitivity, sensibility, but this hope I had was tied into every facet of my testimony. For years the search for this girl was always more so in the back of my mind. It was always the little VETO that shot down all the opportunities I had with other girls. I didn't find anyone that specifically looked like her, so I reduced the standards to people that just made me feel "good" (closest thing to heaven). that was not a long list of people. Besides I told you. There is no one I'm looking for now. I'm not fixated on her. I feel her and think about her if I want to or not now, because of our connection.

and it's not over yet either. I still feel her occasionally. What should have been a blessing and a bond, has become at times intrusive, and tragic. I'm no where close to getting married and sealed in the temple with anyone, and no where near getting this bond severed safely. It is an acute problem that I don't think is too common. It's really hard getting on the path while being un-even yoked with someone not even trying to be spiritual, but inherently is. It's stumble, after stumble, after false starts, and fits. I still WISH we could work things out, and she could get her life together if nothing else. I wish we could have what Joseph and Mary have. 2 Tim 1:8 calls us not to be ashamed of the Testimony of God. We will be called to testify in all things. Some things are going to be easier to testify about than others. The fact that Joseph and Mary were cousins is not something trumpeted about at Conference. Nor are other things in the bible people would rather not talk about. The whole family tree goes right back to one guy made of clay according to the bible. It's all a huge mystery, and there is much yet to be revealed. Modern prophecy we'd like a nice tidy explanation or sanitary story, but the truth may be something that will make some people ashamed, and some will not. It's a real test of faith going on here.

fair enough. My whole life style I was saying changed. I went from waiting for this girl of my dreams to show up, put my life on hold for that, and it's not what I thought it was going to be. My whole life before last March seems like some one else. I can't even sleep at night anymore. I can go un-conscious out of exhaustion on the couch, with the TV on but that is about it. i don't blame her for anything. i helped her go to the fair with her boy friend, and again with her friends, and her next bf too. Didn't do anything but try to help her, and she got a little spoiled and took me for granted. I like that quote by a GA that said: "don't look for the person of your dreams, but strive to be the person of someone's dreams", or something. It was stuff like that, that re-arranged my whole outlook on looking for the girl of my dreams. I didn't fully go down that road of self improvement, and internal confidence building, and make myself more attractive to the opposite sex, as much as I kept looking for this girl that would love me for me.

It's possible for blessing to be turned against you. example: If Adam took the fruit of eternal life after the fruit of knowledge of good and evil the plan of salvation would have been void. This girl of my dreams and I could have had something together. I had years to prepare to meet her, and I thought I was ready for anything. I looked high and low. I went to clubs, bars, church, everywhere. My mind was open to any possibility. A dated strippers, church girls, women from work, and school, I kept an eye out for her everywhere I went, even when I went to Europe, NY, DC, everywhere. I even dated a girl that said she was into witch craft and used to go to the satanic church. (goth boom of late 90s). Did not see that coming that it might be a blood relative. I grew up back east so I didn't have much of a concept of cousins like that. It's possible for things to go sideways, and not work out, and the former promises we made to each other and God before we were born are still in effect but are now not bringing us close together. I still have this connection, and she is un-initiated to any religion, and completely unaware what she is doing to me.

My bishop gave me peace of mind that I actually can date and marry my 2nd cousin. Turns out it is legal in all 50 states, but 1st cousin marriage is only legal in a dozen or so, and if you wanted to you would have to have "genetic counseling" whatever that means. My cousin is 19 now, so it's too late to do anything about the rape she suffered as a small girl at the hands of my other 2nd cousin. The police wont do anything now since she is an adult. In general my bishop wants me to get more so on track with all standards of the church before he will officially bless me one way or another. I asked for a blessing, but I guess my heart was not in the right place he felt, and he just wanted me to continue going to church and reading the scriptures, and abstaining from sin. That doesn't matter anymore. She won't give me the time of day, she's engaged to a great guy, and she tolerates living with her life long rapist, and wont get help. I want to get my life together and look for someone else, but it's hard to do when I still feel her take a shower, sleep, get stoned, or have sex. 8 times I called over there on 8 different occasions and she was in the shower when I called. I can numb my reception of spiritual things by getting drunk but that is temporary and hangovers suck. I get my life back on track and even more spiritual, and in tune, and I can feel her better then I want to.

I kept things simple. I actually maintained that simple belief in love all my life. That is the relationship structure I wanted. I felt loved by this girl, though I didn't do anything. It was unconditional.

I got a scripture trivia app for my phone, and even that reminded me of her and the last 24 years. "when a dream comes true, it is a joy". Dreams of the future would come true, and it always made me happy, whatever it was, because I was a little bit closer to seeing her again. For years I'd get close to girls and if they didn't remind me of her I'd throw it away, and conversely she gave me several chances with her to get something going on between us, and right at the moment where I could have advanced things further toward actual being close together, I was the one to step on the breaks. She's pissed at me for doing that too many times, and for making a fuss about her rapist living with her. I have zero "game" when it comes to meeting girls, or picking them up, or pair bonding, or anything relationship wise. I've never gone past the 3rd date, and the longest I was with a girl was back in HS and she actually wasn't there the whole time, and moved. *Basically I need advice on meeting women, relationship advice. My friends from church got this DVD on how to pick up women, but I don't want to just "score", or date a "hot chick", or whatever. i wish there was something church related on confidence etc.

I'm on here for advice, but also if someone else has had their heart broken into a million pieces because of loss of an eternal companion. It's a hard rocky road back to recovery, and getting back on the straight and narrow. I'm all broken up inside, and now supposed to find someone else when I can't even sleep at night anymore. I need something real to get over the pain. I feel some peace of mind at church. I dozed off on the couch for only a couple minutes, but slept better than I did a whole week at home, and left church rested for once. But I miss church too much. I haven't even seen conference in a while. I missed this last one, and actually a year or two worth. Like my friend that introduced me to the church, he was always offended that people always said they were devout and stuff, but then wouldn't make any effort to watch conference, or dress up, and go out and listen to the prophet in a worshipful way.

Also, because I believe in Jesus Christ, I was content that I would never see her in this life, or feel like that again, and I was ready to live all of my life alone, and die a virgin instead of just being with someone. The key to my heart was her. Gates open now, the search is over. I just got to find someone else.

Good point. They are closely tied together however. We are commanded to love God with all our heart might mind and strength, and the same exact verbiage is used to describe how we are supposed to love our eternal companion. I know there is another verse in the scriptures that sayeth: "he who loves his wife more than me is not worthy of me", insert anyone or anything else there too. The verse mentioned pretty much anyone. Generally for the Love of God I have not murdered my cousin for raping the girl of my dreams, and being a cancer on society, and now I'm trying to replace all those feelings I had for her with only God, and that is hard because I searched for her all my life.

I waited all my life to find the girl I dreamed about when I was almost 11 years old. I saw dreams of the future, and so far they have all come true. The dream I had of her was what inspired me to find God and religion in the first place. Dreams came true, and it was heaven when she looked in my eyes. It was an undescribable peace I felt, much like the peace one feels when they pray if the church is true, or take the sacrament. I had this belief that was affirmed in the church that she was my eternal companion. I joined the LDS church when I was almost 17, and continued searching for her. I gave up looking sometimes because dreams come true if I want them to or not, so I just figured one day I'd see her, and she'd look deep in my eyes, and I'd be reunited with my eternal love. Waiting all my life for some stranger, or someone to make me feel peace somehow wasn't a great way to score dates, so eventually I just started dating, but if the girl never reminded me of her, I never let a date progress at all, even if the girl wanted me to kiss her good night. 19 years go by looking for this girl, I'm grandfathered out of the singles ward. 2006 I move back home and my worst fear comes true. =I left home in 99 because I heard my kid cousin be nick-named "duck", the only name I had to call her in my dream in 87, and I moved back in 06 to work for my other cousin that started his own company. at 14 she asked for a guitar lesson, and while in her room she stuck her face in mine like she wanted to kiss me, and I felt that eternal heaven and peace like I did when I saw her in 06. I was dumbfounded I would ever feel like that ever again, since no one ever made me feel that loved. I didn't do anything with her, and I was in utter dis-belief that the girl I had been searching for all my life was not even born yet, and was my own 2nd kid cousin. I remained in denial and had nothing to do with her for fear feelings would grow. 08 my other kid cousin moves into that house, and turns out had raped her when she was a little girl, and became a drug dealer in Vegas, and admitted to me when he got back that he murdered someone. I'm worried of course, and go to the cops, FBI friend at church, anyone, but he's still free. I don't have to warn anyone in that house because he brags about how much drug money he made, and how he got away with murder. My 1st cousins in that house get addicted to hard drugs, not just weed, and I watch her life go down the toilet. She was the nicest smartest kid growing up, and her parents were completely irresponsible, and her grandparents let her parents be horrible parents. Then they let a drug dealing murderous pedophile move back in a molest and rape her more. 2010 comes, and the last dream in the series comes true. Most all my dream/visions of the future have come true, accept one. (I had a dream/memory) of flood destroying my home town. (that is how I know if a dream is a dream, or a memory of the future, that is how it feels, it feels real). I never wanted it to be her. I didn't think to go to the bishop or pray about it if it was her, I just assumed it wasn't. Then I found out the parents of Jesus Christ were 1st cousins, and that cousin marriage has been the method of operation of royal families, in every nation in the history of the world. It must have been normal back with Adam and Eve, and their kids having kids with each other. The subject is not brought up much at church, but my other cousin that grew up Catholic was well aware that Joseph and Mary were cousins. I accepted that it was her, and for the 3rd time in my life felt the same peace I felt only twice before. I realized the eternal war between good and evil in my heart was over, and in every way I loved this girl. Her life is still in the toilet, her cousin was kicked out when I made a fuss to everyone in that house, but has moved back in. She is engaged to someone, but she hasn't been that true to him, however rape, and reliving rape with the rapist that has been abusing her all her life doesn't count. I burned my bridges with them, and for the last year, I have no vision for myself. the only dream that has yet to come true, but I'm sure will, is the destruction of my city. I fasted and prayed about this girl of my dreams, for years with no answer. In retrospect I could have been more devout. I don't feel anything when I look at someone else. When I'm at church I can feel again, but I'm going to a family ward now, and there is no one my age to talk to that is single. I was uber faithful at times past, but I felt my story change, but I didn't want it to change so much that I wouldn't see her. I feel like hammered crap as my boss would say. My hopes and dreams of my whole life end abruptly. My bubble burst in 06, and I waited for the last dream to come true what would be 4 years later, in 2010 just in case I was mistaken, though i knew I wasn't. My whole life style has changed, and is upside down. The pre-foundation of my faith has been shaken, when it was the center of my strength and greatest hope in this life and the next. I had a bought with alcohol, and tried weed once, and sleeping around with women, in a desperate attempt to find someone else, and feel that way for someone else. I almost became an alcoholic like my parents, but didn't, and have no preference for drugs, and luckily no stds, or kids that i know of. I have to find someone else. I've fallen in love with church girls before, and when they got married in the temple, the spell was broken, and I no longer dreamed of them. Temple Marriage works. Now I feel like that is the only way I can safely sever the connection I feel with her. (had dreams about her having sex with her rapist, and then she'd say something about rape or sex on her facebook, -or feel her have sex with someone other than her bf, then they break up because she cheated on him, amazing coincidence, or actual eternal connection that was established before either of us was born). I've gone to my Bishop with all of this.

Haven't been on lds websites much lately, but I've been a member of the church since 93. I'm less active now, but want to change that, and get my life in order again. Already at a glance I can see plenty of forum posts that I think will be quite helpful in getting back on track.