Scylla

Thanks for your replies. Lots of praying, reading, rest, and so on has made my mind much easier. I am still working on it all. I no longer feel so horrid. I am not dismissing what I have done. I am still working on repentance. I really liked the quote about being a hospital, not a museum. I do have a tendency to REALLY beat myself up about not feeling worthy enough for the temple, no matter how I am living my life at the moment. I think I should somehow achieve perfection, when that is never possible for anyone. Doesn't mean I should assume that I can go to the temple no matter what, but that I need to cut myself some slack.

I'm not trying to justify it... I just have such conflicting thoughts in a stressful period in my life and I just can't discern what's me beating myself up, what's Satan trying to drag me down, what's things I need to take care of. I've been confessing it all out to the Lord and I am not going to do it before the temple. And yes, I am repenting because I want to return to Him. Not sure where you got the idea I didn't.

I decided to delurk because I am worried about my upcoming temple recommend interview on Sunday with the stake president. Endowments and temple marriage. As background....I'm an older single gal (30s). I have struggled with masturbation off and on over the years since my later 20s. Sometimes it would be months...in later years, it's been around once a week, I would guess, on average. Beat myself up about it throughout. I had confessed this to more than one bishop over the years. The last bishop I talked to (the one before this) ...he just said work on doing it less. That's all. So I try to do it less than once a week. I didn't succeed always. I have a high libido and....it's not easy. Especially since the fellow and I get frustrated since we can't do anything. I've also had some chastity problems with the fiance before, though we did go in and work through it and have been better. I'm about to be married in less than a month. I had my interview with my bishop already, since he was going on vacation (and is there now) and I was going to go home before the wedding to finish up details. I felt ok saying yes to the chastity question, though I hadn't mentioned the masturbation part to him before. I had thought before that I might bring it up, but it didn't happen during the interview and I felt ok about it. However, I just slipped up and did it again since that interview. Now I am freaked out. It's still less overall...one time in 3 weeks, but its close to the interview. If I have to wear a chastity belt, I'll make sure it doesn't happen before my endowments so it will be a month by then. I took the sacrament the Sunday after, and talked with Heavenly Father during that time. I felt more peaceful about it. I've also been praying a lot. I feel peaceful about it sometimes...I do. I pour out my heart. But sometimes it goes back to huge waves of doubt. I am having a hard time discerning between the feelings of guilt and not feeling worthy enough for the temple -- I keep feeling like I have to be perfect -- and the fact that I am having a roller coaster hormonal ride (new birth control that leaves me weepy and overemotional), stress, and lack of sleep. Sometimes when I read things online, pray about it, etc, I do feel peace that it's ok, since I've been trying, that's enough. Other times I'm crying in my fiance's arms and wondering what's going to happen if the stake prez says I can't go. He (fiance) doesn't think it's a serious enough sin to have to go to the Bishop, having been told before by a bishop that you didn't need to. (you still repent, just work it out with the Lord. I've been doing a lot of talking to Him, that's for sure!) And I've read such a varying spectrum...some bishops like that one I had saying Just try to be better, or ones who just won't give you a recommend if you are doing it at all. Some bishops saying yes, it's something you have to talk to them about, some saying no, you don't. I don't know the stake president, so I have no idea how this will go. I freak out that now I'll not be able to get a recommend. Can't talk to the bishop before since he's not around. I'm running out of time so I can't really postpone it. If it comes to it, we'll just have a civil wedding before the reception instead of the ring ceremony and work on the temple later. I don't know...I just feel so emotional lately. I just don't know what to believe in my mind anymore. I do feel calm sometimes, and other times I am in a tizzy. Sometimes I don't feel like I need to mention it, since it's still less than before, and since I've been talking it over with Heavenly Father so much. Sometimes I feel I should. Help? Thanks.