I am 30 years old and a life long member of the LDS church. I honestly believe that it is the true church. Right now I am separated from my wife of 7 years and we are literally just a 2 hour session on LegalZoom away from being divorced if we can ever find the time... We were married in an LDS temple, I also received my Patriarchal Blessing soon after, and I blessed both of our beautiful girls who were born into the covenant.
Anyway, I have been addicted to porn and "things that go along with it" since I was about 14 or 15. So you can pretty much say it has been a huge part of most of my life. I have been to see my bishop (I believe 3 or 4) at various points along the way... The first in Jr. High (imagine a 14 year old talking about masturbation and girls with a bishop... very nervous) and the most recent just last summer. I'm 99.9% sure that my wife/soon to be ex has no clue, I think I learned how to hide it really well after being caught a few times by my dad in high school, although she does know about my semi-promiscuity before we ever met.
There were about a dozen times when I messed around with girls, but never went "all the way". After my wife and I officially separated and chose the divorce path my life really started getting worse morally. A month after she took our 2 kids to her parents, the loneliness got to me and I met a girl off of craigslist who was in town for a one night work thing and we ended up doing pretty much everything but sex... This happened literally 2 days after my latest initiation with my bishop to get the whole porn thing resolved. I have no doubt that Satan worked overtime on me and kicked me while I was down with a rendezvous that was literally crafted by the devil himself. But, I have no excuse.
With this and added to the whole porn problem, I went through the process, met with the Stake President and Bishop's council (btw, I am not so sure I would have ever started the process had I known that I would have to give the same confession to no less than 5 people who I see at Walmart twice a week...) and ultimately I was disfellowshipped.
I started off really well on the repentance process but broke down rather quickly. Dabbling in porn and everything that goes along with it... It really has become a daily habit again and I have even sunk to the level of paying webcam girls to perform for me and phonesex with girls I meet on dating sites.
I really do want to purge this evil from my life but I feel like it's too late and I've had too many chances and just don't have the power to do it. But what really bothers me is not knowing how every blessing I have received or covenant I have made is effected. I didn't become a Priest or Elder worthily, nor did I make my temple covenants or subsequent temple visits worthily, or bless my children worthily or receive my Patriarchal Blessing worthily... so on and so on. Most of which I discussed with my bishop this last time, so he is aware that I have not really done anything worthily.
So is it all lost and nullified even if I do somehow find it in me to change?
I should probably also mention that I was sexually abused when I was 3. My father's work (LDS Church ironically) had our family in South America and it was the gardner... A whole other issue that only those in the bishop's council, and I guess anyone reading this, knows about. My parents don't even know to this very day, although other kids in our American enclave were also victims that my family does know about.
Also, our divorce has nothing to do with any of this... She was having multiple online affairs and neglecting her duties as a mother while spending all of her time with online gaming (Thx World of Warcraft). She really has no idea of my addiction, and it really didn't effect our sexual relationship or my relationship with her family.
