potatobug

Thank you--

Thank you. At this point we are at least in regular contact with him. We also have another, very dear and special family member, who is in regular contact with him, and this is a great comfort-- His situation is sadly unique; the several times we had him tested and tried to get him 'under the SS/disabilities umbrella' . . . he just barely didn't make it, and we were told several times that we had 'enriched' his environment and raised his IQ just enough that he couldn't qualify for assistance, which he really does need. We raised his IQ (it was astounding to be told that by the best cognitive psychologist in two different places) and effectively disqualified him-- in other words, his 'native' IQ would have qualified for assistance--so, we've been on our own for getting him any special help; there are those with lower IQs who actually have better judgement than our son and who are more . . . compliant. Our son has a very bright spirit and a "I can do anything" attitude which gets him into trouble. It's slowing down some; he is beginning to realize that he 'can't do'--and while it's heartbreaking, we hope he will be willing to get more help-- He has wrecked enough cars, for example, and gotten enough citations and driven unlicensed enough that he owes many, many thousands of dollars worth of debt--which he shrugs off; he simply doesn't answer his phone and forgets about it. At this point his poor judgement is his biggest problem; he still does not see danger coming. This does make it more difficult to help him. While he felt accepted by his spouse . . . he was more compliant, because he wanted to please her. He was surprisingly responsible with his little children. When he felt that that stopped he went haywire-- Unfortunately, she, too, is handicapped, though much, much more able to function and at a much higher level. We did have one bishop who was helping him and us about 8 months ago, but the man was released, and he found our son's father in law to be extremely difficult as well-- Thank you for caring-- My husband and I are getting counselling, and we are also getting medical help; we both lost our health when this happened--and we do have a special needs child still at home who needs constant attention-- I used to hear about people . . . getting ill when these sorts of things happened. Our daughter in law, who wants still to be our daughter in law . . . has found out that he is, sort of, safe--he's not on the street; sometimes there are people 'out there' who do not live as "we" would like who can be quite kind-hearted, and the people he is with seem to be on that level-- there is also a non-LDS church which is reaching out to him. He has such a desperate need to go to church, and we LDS are so family-centered, and with his new WoW problem he might be treated badly; we are not sure if we can realize that, but we are not at all worried about his testimony; it's a very childlike one; he loves Jesus, and we are simply grateful for anyone who will reach out to him. These people are being kind, and they even feed him once/week--and they may find out that if he joins their church it won't mean very much to him or them. It's always interesting to see people respond with enthusiasm to our good-looking, friendly, smiling son . . . and then try to 'go deeper' with him, realize he does not comprehend and just give up (we don't find it amusing at all; it's very sad, but we stopped telling people long ago that he was special needs, because people would take one look at him and tell us we were crazy; then they would talk to him for a few minutes and get annoyed with him and walk away, being annoyed with us and with him; we've watched the pattern over and over again; our son LOOKS good, or he did; we have noticed that as he has gotten older his teeth have gotten bad, and he has begun to look unhealthy; yes, we are concerned about that, too; his wife did take him in for a check-up, and there is nothing seriously wrong with him, but he isn't looking as good as he used to)--non-LDS church members may think he will be a new 'convert', but it won't be of much value to them--so we are not even remotely worried; ministering angels are everywhere-- and apparently, according to him--his new boss is kind--it's not a good working environment, but it could be worse; he had a job not long ago where he was constantly being physically assaulted--so the management let him go--he simply was too big of a target-- When I wrote that we know 'cognitively' that he is unworthy, I was mentioning that our son and daughter in law have made it known to us that since he left he has done a number of things that would cause a 'normal' person to have a temple recommend suspended completely-- we know that this really doesn't mean anything; we have had quite a few spiritual experiences in which we have been told that we don't need to worry about his accountability; Father in Heaven is taking care of him--but it's still heartbreaking for parents--we are worried, for example, about disease; we are parents-- we just watch . . . and wait . . . and hope-- we are being very prayerful and careful about every little thing-- maybe now the most important thing is that he knows we love him-- when he expressed once a desire to come 'home' (he didn't grow up here and has no ties here but us; his in-laws and he and his wife actually moved to the community where he grew up, and he does know a few people there; at least a few months ago he was still in contact with his old scoutmaster and a dear old bishop or two)-- he then said, "no, I want to stay here in case I can see my children"-- he really does love the little ones, and they miss him, too-- my daughter in law and the children ran into him in a store, and he was with some scary looking people; the children just cried out, "daddy, daddy!"-- but our daughter in law didn't want them near those people-- dilemma-- If we can get our health back, we might be able to find a way to see him; for now we have to stay alive, and that has been a challenge lately-- I never dreamed that something like this could break a person the way it has us--

Thank you for your ideas; we have been considering everything-- Mostly thank you for caring--

Thank you for responding--

I am looking for, if possible, adoptive parents in their 60s (or close) who have a special needs/handicapped child who has literally been lost. In the case of my child (I am married, and my husband is grieving, too) the situation was complicated by the child marrying (in the temple) to a similarly handicapped but cognitively more highly functioning person-- that person realized that living with a spouse who is about 9 or 10 in capacity/maturity/understanding and about 6-7 in judgement . . . was too difficult, and recently the spouse who is higher functioning asked my child for a divorce. The divorce was often mentioned before the reality, and my child left. We were unable to find our child for some time; we live across the country from where our child and spouse and children (yes, several small children) live-- Involved in this effort was a hostile and abusive parent-in-law to our handicapped child. We do know how difficult it can be to live with someone who does not understand many, many things about being an adult and being responsible, and we made every attempt to talk to the future in-laws before the marriage took place. We were deeply concerned at that time. The parent-in-law did begin to demean our child, who is not a person who demeans anyone. Yes, our child had many behaviors that were very difficult; we don't excuse that-- what is hard is that we knew that once our child began to be disrespected by so many people, *he* would flee, and *he* ran-- after some time, we found *him*--and *he* is not in a good place. *He* has his scriptures; he managed to get *his* dog-- *he* is living with an unmarried couple; he has developed Word of Wisdom problems that were never a problem before, ever--(in *his* late 20s)-- We know that he has breakfast on Sunday morning; he found a church (not LDS) where they serve breakfast to those in need-- *He* is working in a very unsafe environment, but it is possible that *his* boss is compassionate-- *He* wants to fight the divorce, but *he* has no concept of what would be involved in that; *he* only knows that *his* spouse doesn't want him, and *he* is very traumatized by the parent-in-law. We are in communication with *him*. Internet and phone service does go down regularly-- We KNOW in a cognitive way that *he* is very unworthy, but we also know that *his* boundaries are so poor and his understanding is so poor that . . . *he* is not even quite sure what worthiness entails. *He* was always such a bright spirit, and has never had any inclination to hurt anyone. He (giving up the asterisks) is very easily abused, led, taken, robbed, etc.; he has not, ever, been able to defend himself well-- Unfortunately, he is large, not bad looking . . . and is very, very good at convincing people of an alternate personality, though he is always aware that it is not his reality-- he has lived in a pretend world much of his life, though he easily leaves it-- He has a computer game addiction; he thinks that nobody (except several LDS bishops and his abusive-parent-in-law) is 'evil' or bad or can hurt him in any way. He has no sense of danger. He is very good at telling people what he wants them to believe about himself, even if it is impossible for them to believe. Because he does have a very low IQ, he is always surpised when people don't believe audacious things he says--he just can't reason well enough to see that he will not be believed, but he continues to tell these 'stories'. he feels no shame when he does something/anything wrong, but he has a very powerful desire to please those he loves and to be accepted, anywhere there is acceptance. He had been cleared for a special mission when he met his spouse and decided to marry instead. Is there ANYone out there who has a similar situation? We are not in a position to put him in any kind of treatment center; his WoW problems do not involve alcohol or drugs at this point-- he does work, and he works very hard, but he loses jobs easily when employers do not understand his limitations-- Even though we are much older parents, we have another special needs, younger child, of the opposite sex (well under 18) in our home, and we know that under the circumstances we cannot have our child come home-- also, if our child leaves, there is a good possibility that he won't even be able to see his children again, though our child-in-law admits openly that there has NEVER been any abuse of his children-- Abuse of spouse and children is not an issue in the divorce; immaturity and inability to be married are the chief issues-- Has anyone else had any kind of experience close to this at all?