brokendoll

The one most important thing that I wish to repent of is breaking my temple covenants. Since I divorced my first husband, I have regained my temple recommend. But I can't go back to my first husband. He is no longer temple worthy and I don't love him. My second husband has no testimony of the church and fights me on every point of doctrine, every commandment I wish to keep. I have placed myself in a very compromised position. I recognize now, too late, all of my wrongdoing. Now I am reaping what I have sown. And it feels as though I have failed this test. It just seems impossible to make things right. I've boxed myself into a place where a temple marriage is out of the question for me. I have no idea how this can be resolved.

I recently attended a Strengthening Marriage class presented by a BYU professor and author. He really put eternal marriage into perspective for me. He said that before we came to this earth we spent eons of time preparing for this life. Our Heavenly Father and Mother created us with the express purpose of sending us here to attain our second estate. The two most important tasks that we must accomplish here are first, the covenant of salvation, namely baptism and second, temple marriage, the covenant of exaltation. Those who do not keep their second estate will not have the privilege of eternal increase. The only beings who will be sexual in the world to come are celestial beings who are married and who have been true to their covenants. If people truly understood this doctrine, there would be no divorce. Temple marriage is the number one important thing for us to accomplish here! The rest of our eternity depends on it! I knew this. We all know this. But still I have made poor decisions throughout my life. My parents divorced when I was five. My mother dragged me through many of her relationships with different men and a marriage to a child molester. When the child molester kicked her out, we moved far away and found the church. I grew up alone mostly, taking care of my half sister. It was a lonely childhood, but I did have the church after a time. I had my first child out of wedlock with a man (returned missionary) that I didn't love. He said he loved me. I felt unattractive and rejected having reached the age of 25 with no suitors to speak of. I was graduating from BYU and I guess I was desperate and full of pent up frustration and lust. It started out with my just wanting someone to go out with and then someone to make out with. I was just using him. I didn't understand how relationships were supposed to be. I didn't understand my personal worth or how to act with others, especially men. I ended up marrying him in the temple a year later when our son was three months old. But I didn't love him. I guess I was trying to make things right even though I didn't like him as a person. I was too weak to give my son up for adoption. That is what I should have done. It took five years and two more children to realize that I was growing to hate my husband. Why did I have more kids with him? I was still a mess then. I wasn't thinking of them or him, just myself. I had always wanted kids and even though I couldn't stand him, I truly fell in love with our children. But I see now that it was pure selfishness. I developed a crush on some other guy and divorced my husband. I didn't get with the other guy. But once that was over I didn't want to go back to my husband. A few years later I met someone else, a non-member someone else. This time I was completely in love with him and we got along great. I ignored a lot of things that are causing me grief now. His belief system and his family traditions were totally the opposite of what I really wanted. But, following this pattern of not so great decisions, I married him anyway. He actually ended up getting baptized and I thought we were on our way to hopefully going to the temple together. However, we went through all the steps and the answer never came. Now we have three children. My older children live with my mother in another state because they wanted to go to college there. My second husband got baptized and seemed to be progressing in the Gospel. He was called as the Ward Clerk. However, it was a struggling ward. There were few strong members and these few had to pull the weight of the whole ward. My husband got to see the difficulties that are inherent in such a challenge. He became disillusioned with the church. He started reading anti-Mormon literature. In short, I don't think he ever really had a testimony. I suppose you might think that I never had a testimony either, judging from my long history of bad behavior. But I do know the Church is true. There is obviously a disconnect between what I profess and what I do. The consequences of my actions have fully come to bear upon me at this point in my life. My older kids have left the church. My younger children have a greater affinity for my husband's way of doing things, since he really is much more patient and kind to them than I am. That is not to say that I am horrible to them. I am not. I love them dearly and they love me, too. He just has a gentle way with them that is so convincing. That is a big part of why I love him. He is very good at building good relationships in our family. I really have a lot to learn from him. But I feel a little hopeless. I want to figure out why I go to church and say I believe in all of this yet I have not made the right decisions to ensure my keeping of my second estate. They say that Christ's Atonement can heal any wrong. I believe it is so, but how in the world can I repent of all this stuff? I can't go back to my first husband to whom I am sealed, nor do I wish to. I am quite discouraged in my current marriage because my husband is so negative about the church now. He is pulling my little children away from the church. I don't even feel comfortable praying in front of him or teaching our children important truths that I know it is my responsibility to teach them. I pray and pray because I am so troubled. I am writing this to help me figure it all out. Any thoughts anyone?