Squashy

I am still suffering because of this but I have had so much support from the church that I enjoy life as much as possible. I don't feel suicidal at the moment and I feel much stronger. Thanks Nadwin I hope you are feeling ok and are not suicidal.

Thanks for your support much love to you. I will be back soon.

Fast Sunday was very difficult and cried most of the way through it. I guess I had a constant reminder of how weak I am. I spoke to the Bishop and told him I am feeling very bad at the moment. Not bad enough to end my life though and I am still here so I thats a good start. Thanks for showing such love checking on me. The Elders came and ate with me on Sunday and they are here next Sunday also. We watched a dvd and chatted. The dvd showed the story of John Tanner. It was very moving as I myself had terrible leg ulcers on both legs so that I was unable to walk for nine months. John Tanner thought he was going to die soon but he still gave his all to God. I wish I could be more like him. Until now the missionaries had been impressed by how much I learnt in a short space of time and how much I studied and read the Book of Mormon. They were amazed that after my first visit to church I wanted to be baptized. They are under no illusions now of what I am really like and how I feel. They were shocked by how upset I was. I had no way of hiding it any longer. I feel better for the tears because of the relief. I am sorry for the fuss I made though and feel ashamed. Poor missionaries they did their best. The rest is up to me now.

Aw no poor thing! I am sorry you are suffering I will pray for you. Being pregnant can be stressful at the best of times I hope you will feel better soon. At least you will have a beautiful baby and something very precious to look forward to. I wish I could find the appropriate scripture to help. Take care of yourself please and let me know when you have your baby.

Firstly thank you Jennarator and sorry to hear you have this problem too. When I was pregnant 18 years ago I was so ill I weighed less at 9 months pregnant than I did at my normal weight. I should have got help then. Secondly Someday you are right the people that I work with are very disturbed and it can be distressing to see thank you for your input also. Lately I have had terribly disrupted sleep getting no more than four hours a night and because I have been awake I have given in to hunger and binged. Last night I had the best sleep since I don't know when six and hours of it. I feel so much better for it. I will be attempting to fast this Sunday and if I fail I will still contribute the money for the meals. I will try not to beat myself up if I fail. I have the missionaries who taught me visiting on Sunday as I put my name down to entertain them. I know they will help me if I ask. Sorry for being so negative I can see there is a way forward now. It will not be easy but I want to change so badly I have to take that path. Much love joy and peace to all of you who answered this post and have given support.

Thank you for that I am starting to believe that what I do is because of illness rather sin. I feel a little better today and was not so preoccupied with food today. I managed to do a whole 12 hour shift in work today without being sick and it was not such a struggle. I will speak to the Bishop on Sunday and try to get help.

Thankee you! :)

Thank you for the vibes and I hope your pregnancy goes well. After being folded up in Applepansys arms and vibed by you Bini I somehow strangely feel a little better. I wish this feeling would last. The feeling I had after my blessing lasted several days and I did not feel afraid. I was feeling really scared earlier but not so bad now. You really are so kind.

The hospital I work in know I have an eating disorder they just don't know bad I feel. They would be shocked if they knew but I guess they can't help if they are not aware. I could call The Samaritans but that is more for emergencies. I have been thinking about it for months now and I suppose if I was going to do it I would have done it by now. Sorry for sounding so negative. I will have to get help soon as I am feeling so unwell physically as well as mentally. Please pray for me.

Thank you for your kindness but I work in a Mental Health Hospital so I know what happens to people like me. I can't bear this struggling and pain. It is my fault as missionaries have prayed for me and blessed me but I still fail. The way I treat food is a sin. People are starving all over the world and I waste food. I don't deserve to have any food. My first fasting sunday I was in total turmoil. I am so selfish. Suicide is selfish too so I am not surprised I am tempted.

I have only been attending church for six weeks and have been baptized but inspite of struggling with my eating disorder this whole time I feel I am beginning to lose the battle. I have had this problem since I was a young child. My mum used to restrict my food due to her own mental health problems and I would steal from bins for food. I became such a scavenger and food obsessed that it lead to me binging and then throwing up. Yes it is disgusting and its a sin but I am struggling every meal time. Eating is pretty much torture for me and it seems the church events have lots of food related stuff which isn't helping. There was even food at my baptism which made me feel bad. I couldnt eat it cos I knew I would find it difficult. Out of all mental health problems eating disorders have one of the highest suicide rates and I can understand why. I don't know what to do next except maybe pray for forgiveness. I am at the end of my tether and can tell nobody.I want help but I am beginning to feel there is no hope for me and my faith is not strong enough. Cry for help? Cry for forgiveness. What will happen to my spirit after I am dead if I commit suicide?