Hi everyone,
My name is Jennifer. I'm 24 years old. I was raised in the LDS church and left when I was 15. I was inactive for 8 years. During that time I was a member of a non denominational church, married the love of my life and now have 4 small children (Ages 6, 3 and 1). My family is my world and so is my husband.
Also during those 8 years I preached against the church and said horrible things to all of my family and friends. Well, for some strange reason in February I had a dream. I dreamed that Jesus and Joseph Smith pulled me out of a dark place and told me to "come home". I was pulled back to the LDS church immediately. No questions asked.
It has been 8 months that I have been hiding this secret from everyone (accept for my parents who raised me in the church). I was very open with my husband at first and he told me that he loves me and supports me but that he will never go to a Mormon church or allow our children to be exposed to the beliefs. He also told me that I should give this some time.
I admit that I fell away for a little while during those 8 months because it became too difficult. I felt guilty for hiding this from my husband. I felt bad having to hide my Book of Mormon under the mattress. I became sad knowing that I could not teach my children the gospel. I felt sad that my family and I couldn't enjoy church together. I was crushed at the thought of never being sealed in the temple (which happens to be right down the street from me). Imagine having to look at it every single day. So close yet so far. I didn't have fellowship and I could not go to church. So I decided to try the typical Christian route and stick to the norm for the sake of my family. But I have yet again decided that I need to keep following my heart.
I have some questions. I know that I am going to speak to my husband again eventually but in the mean time I am still unable to go to church. I can't go behind my husband's back and have missionaries over or have visiting teachers. I can't have the ensign in the home. I can't go to the temple. I can't be open about my beliefs. I have done so much damage that I don't even know how to take back what I said about the LDS church.
Do you think God is okay with what I am doing? If I were to die tomorrow would I be with Jesus? I just need advice on what I should do because at this point I only feel 30% mormon based on my actions. But in my heart I am 100%. Thanks for any advice.
Jennifer
