tumbledquartz

Thanks, Sarah. You're definitely right about the fact that I need to get healthy for me. Honestly, the only times I've been able to lose weight is when I wasn't trying to lose weight, but, rather, to be healthier. Not to be argumentative, but just to clarify, I gained 30 pounds, lost 10, and mostly have fluctuated between those two weights my whole adult life outside of pregnancies. I had even gotten down almost to my pre-marriage weight at one point between pregnancies. It's only since my failed attempt at losing weight despite training, diet, and running 2 triathlons last year, and then being injured, that I have gained another 20 lbs, putting me now at 50 lbs over my healthy weight. I'm just tired and frustrated right now, but I'm not giving up entirely on getting my weight back down. You're right again, of course. I used to be better at this. I used to look in the mirror and see an amazing person who just happened to have some flaws like everyone else. It's only in the last year or so that I've started looking in the mirror and seeing myself the way my husband sees me. I'm working on that. I actually had already been to the bishop to get some help and counsel about seeing myself as a beautiful daughter of God again before I even knew about any of the substance abuse or cheating, etc. But, aside from all that, I'm still human, and I do want a man to love me, and beyond that, to be /wanted/ and /adored/ by him. I've prayed to feel God's love and for that to be enough for me to be happy, and sometimes I feel like it is. But sometimes I just want my husband to look me in the eye and tell me I'm gorgeous and beautiful and that he'll never want anyone but me, like he used to before I gained weight. Really, the biggest reason I posted was just as clear-cut as the title of the thread. I just wanted to know that I wasn't crazy to think it was possible that someone - maybe even my husband???? - could look at me just the way I am now and feel like a lucky guy to have such a great wife. I don't know; maybe that really is too much to ask, but I hope it's not. At least now he's willing to admit that maybe he's wrong, and that maybe he could use some counseling, and he's agreed to see both a counselor and the bishop. So, we'll see what happens...

Isn't there something in the bishop's handbook r that instructs you on what to do in these cases? What were the crimes the man committed? I'm inclined to believe that they would need to report more serious crimes like rape, murder, etc. but, like Vort, I admit I'm not the expert.

My husband says he's mostly willing to talk to the bishop, but he's scared of being turned in because of the pot. Where is the line between a bishop's commitment to confidentiality and his responsibility to report illegal behavior?

I can tell you what he says will be better. He will be able to sit in church, go to an amusement park, and basically go anywhere in public without being tortured by seeing beautiful women. He says church is the worst because anywhere else, he can tell himself that they probably don't have all my other great qualities, but at church, he knows that those women are also spiritual, LDS people like me. He says he doesn't think about it while we're being intimate or anything; it's just seeing other women that he can't have that are better than me that drives him crazy and is the reason he cites for not going to church anymore.

I long for that - for someone to call me beautiful and "lovely momma" and say that he loves me no matter what I look like. I want that so bad. But I also know that the grass isn't always greener. What if I leave and go looking for that, and even find it, and then find out that the guy has other problems that I'm not having to deal with now? Just hearing that some guys feel that way, though, gives me hope that maybe my husband can also be that way. Every time we've gone to counseling, he's agreed to go just to get ME fixed up - he never admitted he had any problems. But maybe that will change now. I don't know.

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it. Since being diagnosed with bipolar, I've made great progress through counseling and medication and I'm not nearly as moody as I was, and I've tried to improve my housekeeping as well. But the thing is, out of all the issues I have, he says the only one he /really/ cares about is the weight. He says he'll never complain about the house or anything else if I'm skinny. (not that it won't still bug him, but since I've said he's overwhelmed me with complaints, he just wants me to concentrate on the weight.) The thing is, I made great efforts last year, working out five days a week, I cut out ice cream which is my absolute fave, and ran some triathlons and 5Ks, but I didn't lose any weight. And I got injured, discouraged, quit, and then gained weight. But none of my effort means anything to him because he says it's "results that count" and he wants me to have a "body-for-life body" like some of our neighbors, one of whom has even competed in bikini competitions. Honestly, I've known about the porn since he started years and years ago, but he had indicated to me more than once that he had quit, and, as naive as I am, I didn't continue to question him about it. The truth is that he can't tell a lie if I ask him straight-up, but I now know he's very good at evading the question or giving a half-answer. Like when I found his beer two weeks ago and questioned him about when he started drinking again, he told me (it's been just over a year), but he didn't tell me anything else. When I questioned if he was doing drugs too, he said, "I'm not doing hard drugs like cocaine." It wasn't until later that night that I realized he really hadn't answered the question and I asked him flat-out if he was smoking pot and he admitted he was. So over the past week, as questions have occurred to me, I've learned to ask flat-out questions. When I asked if he'd cheated on me, his reply was that he "hadn't had intercourse with another woman." Which I now know was code for "I'm going to try to get out of answering this with a straight answer and maybe get away with it." So I asked if he had had oral sex with another woman and he was silent for long enough that I knew my answer. He doesn't want to tell me details because he says he's ashamed, but he did tell me he's never seen her again and never will. So, based on the fact that he can't seem to lie to me if I ask him a straight question, I believe him when he says that he was clean and sober for 18 years and that he knows he needs to quit the alcohol, and that he only cheated on me once. I don't know; I'm just so frustrated and confused right now. He's basically a good person, honestly, and he feels bad about what he's done. And he says he loves me and that's why he's stayed with me despite being unhappy about my weight. He cites all the good qualities I have, that I'm sweet and caring and that I'm taking our kids to church and teaching them the gospel and everything. But he just can't get past the weight. To answer some of the questions that have been asked, I do have daughters, and a son. He seems to be in a really humble place right now, saying that he feels lost and that he doesn't think he's strong enough or good enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, and he says he's willing to see the bishop and maybe even go back to church. So I have hope that maybe we can work things out, but he's just so adamant about the weight issue. He insists that the only two possible outcomes are for me to lose weight or for him to leave me.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, mostly not-so-happily, but we've been working on it. One big thorn in our marriage is the fact that in our first year of marriage, I gained weight, and he says he never wanted a fat wife. I've never been enormous by any means, but I weigh about 50 pounds more now than I did when we met. Never mind the fact that he gained just as much weight as I did - men are visual and women aren't; therefore, it doesn't matter if he gains weight, but it matters if I do. I've tried to lose weight and sometimes been successful and sometimes not, but right now, I weigh more than I ever have other than when I was pregnant. He has told me that if he knew I would never get a hot body, he would leave the marriage right now. He's only staying in hopes that I get with the program and get skinny. I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman. Things have really deteriorated this last year and then the last few weeks have been terrible because I just found out a whole bunch of crap that I had no idea was going on. He's been drinking, smoking pot, looking at porn, and, the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex. But he is adamant that he isn't going to do that again and that he's going to quit the alcohol and porn. He's even talking about coming back to church, something he hasn't done in several years. Part of me just can't get over kicking myself because I knew before I married him that he had been through rehab and had had problems with alcoholism, drugs, and had been sleeping around before I met him. But he had repented and was very spiritual and I was just super naive, I guess. There were red flags that I didn't see because I was just so desperate for someone to love me and I had a bird in the hand - someone who gave me tons of love and wanted to take me to the temple. He's been going through this whole mid-life-crisis over the last few years as he approached age 40. He's now losing weight and taking great pains to look good, including using lots of anti-wrinkle cream and is even talking about hair replacement therapy. He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her. Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance. But then parts of me wonder if he's right. Will I have any chance of finding a decent guy if he leaves me and I'm still fat? Can a man REALLY love a fat woman? Or is that too much to ask for? I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that. If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.